hapa Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I unwittingly got involved with a man who is engaged...he told me that he was single when we met. We had established a "friend wt benefits" relationship, but I recently found out from another friend that he was engaged. My conscience is not allowing me to continue, so I am going to break-off our relationship. I have pictures of us together on vacation together...should I tell his fiancee?
slubberdegullion Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 No. It's not up to you to play policewoman or private investigator. There's no upside at all in letting the cat out of the bag. Ditch him, go NC with him and move on.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 ...should I tell his fiancee? If you could magically make this situation work out 100% in your favor, how would you want this to work out if you tell? What is your primary purpose for telling, and what is the desired outcome?
brubaker2004 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 it IS a tough one. i would initially say just move on, but then i think if I were the fiance than I would definitely want someone to tell me so it would be MY choice to enter into a marriage and life of possible misery.
Author hapa Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 I'm imagining myself in her position...and if my fiance were cheating on me, I would most certainly like to know. I almost think that she has a right to know...esp. if she plans on spending the rest of her life with the man. I'm not doing this for me, just sympathy for the fiancee...I am completely through with the man.
legrtova Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Wow, that's a toughie... If you told her, you would cause pain and probably found your self in the middle of things, but you offer her a chance to find someone better before it's too late. He will probably deny having anything to do with you. If you don't tell her (as, in my opinion, it is non of your business), she might (probably will) find her self in a position of a woman being cheated on during their marriage. At that time kids might be involved, etc. Wow, Good Luck!
mopar crazy Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Wow, that's a toughie... If you told her, you would cause pain and probably found your self in the middle of things, but you offer her a chance to find someone better before it's too late. He will probably deny having anything to do with you. If you don't tell her (as, in my opinion, it is non of your business), she might (probably will) find her self in a position of a woman being cheated on during their marriage. At that time kids might be involved, etc. Wow, Good Luck! I agree, this is a tough one. He may lie his a$$ off to her, do or say awful things to you and make you look like the liar. I really don't know what to tell you. I think she will find out eventually what a pig he is w/o you having to tell her. If you feel you need to tell her then do it w/ a letter anoymously. I would want to know if my fiancee was screwing around on me but I would rather not know who it was.
hooghie Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I think you should tell her. Maybe mail the pictures to her with a note saying you had no idea. I would definitely want to know. YES, I would hate the OW, but would ultimately appreciate the fact that she let me know. I use to work with this girl Jen. She was engaged to a guy she had been dating for 6 years. One day, a woman showed up at her door with a 2 year old. Yeah, Jen's man had a baby with another woman AND he was planning on going through with the wedding without telling her. Jen was really hurt and it took her a LONG time to get over it, but she never married the guy and now she is married to someone who is AWESOME. If this woman hadn't told her, things would have been A LOT worse.
Sami_D Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Since you weren't really a g/f but a 'friend with benefits', and he wasn't married yet... I think that, even if you do tell her, he'll almost certainly be able to blag his way out of it. Many women would just take that in their stride and ignore it, and let him 'get away' with it, believing you were just a 'thing' and he's ready to commit to them (which may well be the case). But I'm not one of those women. I'd want to know. So... Maybe you should pass on the information anyway. Anonymously (because I have a suspicion that it won't change a thing, and might just get you labelled all sorts of things). That way, it's up to her if she wants to ignore it.
legrtova Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 If you feel you need to tell her then do it w/ a letter anoymously. I would want to know if my fiancee was screwing around on me but I would rather not know who it was. I agree 100%! IF nothing else, she will start questioning and thinking about it.
RecordProducer Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I don't think this is about what Hapa wants to achieve or how we believe the situation will develop. I would say she is concerned with the moral side of the question "Should I tell her?" She wants to do what's right so she wants to know what we think is right. I would like to know if I were the GF/fiancee/wife. But I wouldn't interfere by telling.
Sami_D Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 She wants to do what's right so she wants to know what we think is right. I would like to know if I were the GF/fiancee/wife. But I wouldn't interfere by telling. That's so odd, because that is so many people's reaction. You'd like to know, but you wouldn't want to tell. Why is that, I wonder? Interestingly, I have noticed that when it's a W, rather than a g/f or fiancee, people come down strongly on not telling. Where is the difference? If I was a wife, I'd like to know my H was cheating. But... I would be really reticent to tell a W her H was involved in an A, and I think that goes for so many people.
RecordProducer Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 You'd like to know, but you wouldn't want to tell. Why is that, I wonder? I'd like to know my H was cheating. But... I would be really reticent to tell a W her H was involved in an A, and I think that goes for so many people. Because those two are different ends of the situation. You would like to know for egoistic reasons. You wouldn't tell because of the same motives. Telling the wife is supposedly pure altruism. But you also don't know what kind of damage you will cause. Plus you don't care that much, it's somebody else's business so you can just do nothing. It's not important to you while the knowledge of your husband's affair is very important to you.
Sami_D Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Is it really egotistical to want to know if your SO is cheating on you in some way? I wouldn't think of it like that. I would want to know because I hate being lied to, because I want to know all the facts all the time, even if that means I'm hurt. Is that egoism? I don't know. True altruism doesn't exist. Everyone does something for themselves. Even if it's because they can think they did 'the right thing'. But I can see your argument. I can see how people don't tell because they might cause more harm than good. Actually, I think that's a very good thing.
RecordProducer Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Is that egoism? Egoistic reasons, not egoism. We have personal interest in knowing the truth about our husbands but we arereluctant to go through the hassle of opening somebody's wife's eyes.
nextel Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Be a woman and just walk away. It will catch up with him someday.
Razorback05 Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 I would'nt tell. If this guy has a conscience, it will eat him alive until he eventually confesses to it himself. If he doesn't have a guilty conscience about it, then the chance that he is a very skilled liar are rather high...
helena abadi Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 if you do not know the fiancee, what would be the reason to tell her? do you care what happens to her, if she marries this guy? are you bitter about breaking up with him and want to get even? sounds as tho if he's cheating on her while he is engaged, then he will do it when they are married. what a jerk. i had a situation where i saw the husband of a friend cheating on her. i sat on the information for a while. then i saw how much she was suffering with his strange behaviour, unable to pinpoint what was wrong. she suspected, i think. so i told her. yup, it all blew up and she threw him out, but she thanked me for telling her. she was profoundly relieved. they are back together, but he never admitted anything in the end. i hope he is behaving himself. who knows.
RecordProducer Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 if you do not know the fiancee, what would be the reason to tell her? do you care what happens to her, if she marries this guy? are you bitter about breaking up with him and want to get even?I think she is simply concerned about the moral side; she wants to do what's right and help another woman. they are back together, but he never admitted anything in the end. i hope he is behaving himself. who knows.This is one of the reasons why people are reluctant to tell. Nobody wants to bring the bad news plus risk to be called a jealous liar. In your case, she was grateful, but he didn't come up clean and remorseful so she either didn't fully believe you or accepted him as a liar and cheater. I think both.
jaye Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 I unwittingly got involved with a man who is engaged...he told me that he was single when we met. We had established a "friend wt benefits" relationship, but I recently found out from another friend that he was engaged. My conscience is not allowing me to continue, so I am going to break-off our relationship. I have pictures of us together on vacation together...should I tell his fiancee? well why don't do leave him alone telling her would be better for her but in a way not good. cus she will really be hurt but the guy seem to be a jerk. In the end what good is it going to do for you? I'd say keep your 2cents outta this. Good luck and find someone else;)
floatinglotus Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Hi Everyone, It has been some time since last visiting. I thought I'd just check in now and again. But basically, I'm over one of the most horrid periods, however, if I can chip in with a helping hand, I'm more than happy to oblige. I told the W everything and to this day, I believe I did the right thing. If I was the W, I'd want to know (let's be honest folks, if your spouse was having an affair, you would want to know). Furthermore, it allowed me to move on. Letting the hurt and sorrow out of the bag did for me what no amount of NC was able to do. As for this being "none of your business", well heck, both you and he made it your business when you had an affair. That isn't a plausible reason for not telling her. I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't. Put yourself in her shoes and then decide.
liswil Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 I agree with Sami D. Why is it that we think that the third person shouldn't get involved in their marriage when one of the married people DID involve her in their marriage? It's like we treat the married couple like they have feelings and lives but the other person is treated like a non-person with no life and no feelings---and suddenly----no say in the trio.
helena abadi Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 Hi Everyone, It has been some time since last visiting. I thought I'd just check in now and again. But basically, I'm over one of the most horrid periods, however, if I can chip in with a helping hand, I'm more than happy to oblige. I told the W everything and to this day, I believe I did the right thing. If I was the W, I'd want to know (let's be honest folks, if your spouse was having an affair, you would want to know). Furthermore, it allowed me to move on. Letting the hurt and sorrow out of the bag did for me what no amount of NC was able to do. As for this being "none of your business", well heck, both you and he made it your business when you had an affair. That isn't a plausible reason for not telling her. I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't. Put yourself in her shoes and then decide. well, good on you for telling her. if you play with fire, don't be surprised if you get burned! you had a responsibility to healing yourself first, to do what you had to do to heal and move on.
liswil Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 As for this being "none of your business", well heck, both you and he made it your business when you had an affair. You put that VERY well!
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