Johnny2x4 Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 I’m in bed with a girl I started dating casually, she asks me about us having sex and how many woman I have had with. I tell her 0 and she gets excited that she is the first one. However she tells me she is on her period and we’ll have to wait a few days. I tell her it’s fine. the next week, we are in bed together, she is on top of me kissing me in bed saying things like “first time” asking if I am nervous. She then tells me she needs birth control pills from the mail, I tell her it’s ok whenever she’s ready. In fact this was a regular basis. She would get into sexual positions with me acting out sex and make an excuse not to have after her bring up sex. Saying things like you should do it with “someone else special, then come back I won’t be mad”. Finally this happened again days later, and I told her to stop because it is really uncomfortable. Telling her it’s obviously not these excuses, so I kind of pushed her to tell me what it really was. Apparently she had a really personal issue down there. Saying she doesn’t want to be sexually active right now. I tell her it’s fine not knowing whether at first to believe her or it’s just another excuse. I believe her sort of, because she was texting a friend about it. Part of me wants to believe but after all the excuses I’m still on the fence about it. Honesty and communication is key in a relationship right? Is it because I still have my virginity? I feel that it really doesn’t make sense to bring it up continuously knowing that you can’t do it. Am I doing something wrong or am I paranoid?
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 I don't know but she's definitely playing the tease. 2
Author Johnny2x4 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) Should I just stay away from this woman? Is this a red flag? Will it look bad if I leave just because we can’t have sex? Edited January 9, 2020 by Johnny2x4 1
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 If you enjoy what is going on, stick around but I don't think you do. You said you know how important communication is but you sense she's not being straight with you. Her teasing is at least a yellow caution flag. That statement about you going out & having sex with somebody you care about 1st then coming back to her is just daft. If you were in love WTH would you come back to her? Look bad to who? You aren't getting any of your needs met with her. She's jerking you around physically & emotionally. What I want to know is why you are staying? 2
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) There is lost opportunity if you stay. I mean lost opportunity to meet someone else that will get you laid. Tip: you don't have to tell anyone you are a virgin, nor do you have to reveal your "number". I think that kinda thing is just stupid to ask, but I guess it's just me. It's no ones biz TBH. Edited January 9, 2020 by smackie9 2
preraph Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 You shouldn't even tell anyone you're a virgin that you're dating. It's like making that her problem.
Author Johnny2x4 Posted January 9, 2020 Author Posted January 9, 2020 Oh, ok so what should I have said then? She tells me I have to be honest always right?!
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 Honest does not mean brutally honest. You could have turned it back on her & asked her #; you could have remained silent; you could have said something pithy like "a gentleman never kisses & tells" or "my past doesn't matter, I'm here with you right now." All of those responses are true. None are lies. You are not obligated to exactly answer every question thrown at you but you can't lie. 2
Author Johnny2x4 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Posted January 10, 2020 We’ll, I didn’t really try to make it her problem. I’m not that insecure about it, I guess that’s what I messed up on.
balletomane Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 The problem here isn't that you were too honest, it's that your gf isn't responding with the same level of honesty. My bf was a virgin. I was glad he felt comfortable enough with me to be open about it. He said he felt a bit embarrassed by it, given our society's expectations of men. I replied that he's dating me, not society, so society can keep its opinions to itself. And that was the end of it. The conversation lasted for all of three minutes. Neither of us made a big deal of it, but I think the honesty helped us to become closer as a couple. This woman's reactions say a lot more about her than they say about you. A considerate partner wouldn't act like that. 2
ChatroomHero Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 It all comes down to what the personal issue is. If it is say, a yeast infection, it makes total sense. She wants to have sex but knows she "can't" really go that far. If it is an STD or something like that and she has told you, then that is what it is. If she hasn't told you what the issue is, nobody here can really help you. Whatever is going on down there is why she is doing what she is doing. She is making excuses, her excuses would be driven by whatever her issue is. Whatever she says about you being a virgin, needing birth control...is kind of irrelevant if she is self conscious about something, because she is just in protect mode. Do you know what her issue is? If you don't know what her 'really personal issue' is, seeking opinions on here is pretty much pointless. If it is a valid issue, then she is embarrassed and that is why she is making excuses and what ever her excuses are, is just a deflection. If it is not a valid issue, then it's something else. You won't know unless you know what her issue is and if you do know what her actual issues is, then only you would be able to determine if she is deflecting or jerking you around.
Author Johnny2x4 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) I know the reason, but She told me it’s extremely personal to her, so I don’t think I should say . It’s not an STD, or a yeast infection. I feel like some are missing the point of my question. I just feel like it doesn’t make any sense to tease me and bring up us having sex only to back out knowing that she can’t have sex. Like I’m not even asking about it she keeps coming back to the topic. Right now I am having a hard time believing her, because she does throw out a lot of excuses, to make me do things on the regular. Edited January 10, 2020 by Johnny2x4
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 Is she going to be able to have sex in the foreseeable future? Or is this issue something that is chronic and will limit her ability indefinitely? I don't think you being a virgin is necessarily the problem. You need to ask yourself whether you can manage being in a relationship in which penetrative sex isn't on the table.
rjc149 Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) I respect your desire to preserve her privacy, but without us knowing her reason, it's going to be a guessing game as to why you doubt this reason and how to answer your question. There's a lot of vague info in your posts that are tough to advise you on. Typically, when a girl is very sexually attracted to you and very eager, she will still have sex on her period or without birth control. So yes, those are just excuses. Depending on your age (which you haven't provided) your virginity may or may not be an issue. If you're a grown man over 25, most women will subconsciously find your virginity a turn-off even if they love how sweet it is for you to be "waiting for the right one, the right moment" etc. A 25+ year old male virgin means he can't attract women, or he's too sensitive, or not confident, and that's unattractive. Harsh truth. And there's a lot of potential baggage that comes with taking a grown adult's virginity (emotions, clingyness etc) that a lot of people would rather avoid. Two words of my advice: don't get into a relationship to lose your v-card, lose it before getting into a relationship. Get some sexual experience. It's not some magical, rose petal carpet moment that you cherish for the rest of your days. I lost my virginity an hour or so before I puked up all the Milwaukee's Best I drank at a freshman house party. I had no idea what I was doing, and it was over before I knew it. It wasn't romantic and that's 100% fine. And she never knew I was her first, which brings my second word of advice, which is that no one needs to know you're a virgin except you. Of course, there's no reason why you need to take my advice. You do you. Edited January 10, 2020 by rjc149 2
Lotsgoingon Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 She's sounds like some kind of game player ... playing in a game that no one knows the rules about. This behavior is a red flag ... the fact that you can't figure out this oddness ... red flag. She's got something twisted going on in her head. Don't stick around too long. People acting odd like this at the start ... aren't even bringing their A (nutsy) game ... She's got a lot more nuttiness where this came from.
Author Johnny2x4 Posted January 11, 2020 Author Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) Alright so don’t be brutally honest? Edited January 11, 2020 by Johnny2x4
ExpatInItaly Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 2 hours ago, Johnny2x4 said: Alright so don’t be brutally honest? If she does indeed have an issue that prevents her from having sex, your degree of honesty about your virginity isn't all that relevant. She wasn't going to be able to sleep with you anyway.
ajequals Posted January 11, 2020 Posted January 11, 2020 Sounds like maybe a bladder infection. I've seen those cause a women to go crazy if left unchecked. usually a week of antibiotics clears that up but who knows
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