evrim Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 Hello everyone, long time lurker first time poster here. I alwas enjoyed reading on loveshack but this time I have my own question. I tried to keep it short. I am not a native speaker so don't beat me for the mistakes There is a girl working in a pharmacy whom I am interested in. The pharmacy is in her name and her father helps her. It is more like a family business. I know her for a little over a year. I couldn’t show my interest very clearly but I think she noticed it anyways. I couldn’t take things further because her father is almost always present around. I hesitated ver much. A few times I tried to engage her in longer conversations but it went nowhere. Things stayed formal the whole time. Since it is not a grocery shop to do daily shopping my visits to there are very sporadic. Once or two in a week to once a month and even a little longer than that. I very seldom come across her outside either. She is relatively new in town. No one I know knows her. I almost have no information other than her name and which city she come from. Very high likely she is single for I haven't seen her with any man suggesting they are lovers. In two occasions where I saw her in a grocery store I couldn’t approach her. I am shy towards women I find attractive and I feel she is reserved as well. In one of that moments all I could say was a good night even though I felt that she gave me the opportunity to approach her. Finally to take the things further and introduce myself officially I asked her to make me a skin lightening mixture for the sun spots on my face. A simple do-it-yourself formula anyone can find on the internet. She accepted eagerly and I ordered the ingredients online and I took them to her a week later. I introduced myself, we chatted a bit, I showed some sources about what I want over the internet from my mobile. She wrote my name and number down and told me that she would make research as well and she would let me know. Everything good and I leave. My plan was that when she finished to prepare the lotion and call me to come and take it, I would ask her for a coffee to thank her for her trouble. Ten days have passed and I heard nothing from her so I decided to go to the store and check how is it going. Her father was absent, she was alone with her employee. She greeted me with a joyful smile and asked me if I would like a tea. Stupid me declined for it was near a closing time. And then she told me she couldn’t find proper information and she would like to see the webpage I showed her before. I said I can send her the link to it with whatsapp. She said great and readily gave me her number and saved mine in her mobile. Before I leave she asked for a day more and I said no need to haste. I asked her if I am troubling her she said no that she liked these kind of stuff. And I leave. So, there was no response from her again for three days. I texted her Saturday afternoon with a smiley saying “ I guess you forget about my lotion” Hoping to start just a little conversation. She answered on Monday saying she is sorry with a sad face emoji. She is taking her time to not make something wrong. I text back saying no problem. And that text stayed in one grey tick for a day and a half, stayed in two grey ticks until friday and turned to blue ticks. She didn’t respond to that. I don't know, everytime I saw her she was into mobile. I felt rejected and sad, like she was trying to brush me off. Finally I gathered my courage and went to the store to talk to her with the intention of saying the mixture was just an excuse to have a coffee with her if she accepts. She was with the employee (50 something man, later I suspected him that he is a relative of hers) again. I walked straight to her and began to talk. He was beside her the whole time yet I told her my motivation in a very clumsy way. I couldn’t talk easily when he was near. She didn’t respond with much emotion, just a little smile. Nothing like yes I would or no thank you. And continued to talk about the lotion. They were pharmacy on duty that morning and she said she is sorry she is tired and something more but those lines were blurry as I felt rejected, I couldn’t listen to her carefully. She even told me that I can prepare it myself. I mentioned coffee again with no response. In a moment of when he distracted I asked her about coffe again and this time she said ok but changed the subject to the lotion again and told me she would prepare it and call me. Result. The same! It has been 5 days and no news again. It is a really easy mixture to prepare.I dont want to go there nonstop, I dont want to be annoying and make her uncomfortable. Even by texting or calling. Though my interaction with her in this situation was just three times; two face to face and one by text.. It’s been 25 days total. I don’t know what to think. I know I am overthinking, I feels uneasy. Sometimes I think that she couldn't talk comfortably with me that day and also during normal work days and she expects me to reach her. Sometimes I think that she said okay to brush me off. Sometimes I think that she just doesn’t care and shame on her for promising something and keeping me waiting for it. What would you think , what would you do?
snowboy91 Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 (edited) It seems like you're being really timid about this. Set a time and date for coffee, whether it be in person or via text. The worst that can happen is you find out she's not interested in you in that way. Usually I stay away from asking out people at their place of work, unless I get a strong feeling that they are being more friendly/curious toward me than their job would suggest. It rarely, although it does occasionally, happen. Edited January 9, 2020 by snowboy91
Legatus Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 6 hours ago, evrim said: I guess you forget about my lotion To me that seems like tiny guilt trip disguised as cheekiness.. Why not ask how's it going and whether she made any progress? You've assumed she had forgotten, which might not be the case at all. 6 hours ago, evrim said: with the intention of saying the mixture was just an excuse to have a coffee with her Probably female perspective needed here but since she doesn't know you there's a chance she will either think it's cute & creative or a bit weird in negative way. Either way too risky. I wouldn't try to "achieve" anything at her work place. Whether there are customers, her dad, or the employee, she tries to do her job first. You have her phone number so you could simply send her a message asking to go for coffee one day after work (but make it specific) and that's it. Do not expect her to answer straight away or ever. Stop coming to the shop just to have these awkward conversations because it's her workplace - that might be putting extra pressure on her and that's why she's reserved. You have her number so make it super clear you want to see her outside of work and stick to it 1
hercules22 Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 why not try call her if you got her phone number? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 I don't think she is interested, OP. She has given you very little indication she wants to interact beyond talking about this skin treatment. I would personally not continue to pursue this. 5
schlumpy Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 If you keep doing what your are doing you will end up looking like a stalker. If you can't talk to her then write out what you want say on a note and pass to her at the counter with your phone number. Then it's up to her. You are not building a relationship, you are building a fantasy. 3
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 I would leave it alone. She is a merchant. She smiled at you & was pleasant because it is her job. You mistook that for personal interest. She was happy to help a customer. She does not want to date you but she doesn't want to offend you & lose a customer. Sorry. 5
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 Dude she's not interested. She is just being professional, and likes being helpful to her customers. Sorry but if you start asking her out using her personal phone#, that will deter her from giving it out to her other male customers, ruining it for them, when they really need her help. IMO it's never kool to ask someone for a date when they are on the job. 1
Mrin Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 Leave it alone. She's not interested. Don't become_that_guy_. 2
healing light Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 Yes, you're approaching stalker territory at this point. Your pushing for the coffee 3x must have been really uncomfortable for her at her place of business. I think she is merely trying to be polite, and you've been pressuring for this "lotion" which is why she told you that you can prepare it yourself so she could get you off her back. She's not interested and she's likely feeling harassed at this point. 1
Author evrim Posted January 10, 2020 Author Posted January 10, 2020 On 1/9/2020 at 3:46 AM, snowboy91 said: Usually I stay away from asking out people at their place of work, unless I get a strong feeling that they are being more friendly/curious toward me than their job would suggest. It rarely, although it does occasionally, happen. True, I got dates with working girls in their workplaces but as you mentioned it I act on it after a long observation and gauging their level of interest. And of course after being regular customer. I observe how they interact with me and other customers. 18 hours ago, Legatus said: To me that seems like tiny guilt trip disguised as cheekiness.. Why not ask how's it going and whether she made any progress? You've assumed she had forgotten, which might not be the case at all. ...Stop coming to the shop just to have these awkward conversations because it's her workplace - that might be putting extra pressure on her and that's why she's reserved. Actually that message was the first sentence of a longer one. And I sent it 5 days after our last conversation. Because she requested to have one more day to prepare it. I thought I should check in.The longer message would be: “ I guess you have forgotten about my lotion\cream (smiling emoji) I am ready to treat you with a hot coffee in return for the fastest delivery (emoji)” Sorry I am translating it to English and it loses its essence. It would convey my real intention but I cut it short. Though it is not a good one either. If I wrote like you said it would be much better and conversation starter. I have never ever talked about going out or having a coffee together or did anything suggestive before my last visit. Only time I had this conversation with her they were about to leave the store. I am a regular customer for a year and a half although it is very sporadic. I am always polite and formal. 17 hours ago, hercules22 said: why not try call her if you got her phone number? I simply chickened out . 16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: She has given you very little indication she wants to interact beyond talking about this skin treatment. I would personally not continue to pursue this. Yes it looks so. 16 hours ago, schlumpy said: If you keep doing what your are doing you will end up looking like a stalker. I visited her work place just twice in a month and messaged her once. First one to see how was it going. That was when we exchanged our numbers. I didn’t do anything other than that. It is the last visit I talked her about my intention. 13 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I would leave it alone. She is a merchant. She smiled at you & was pleasant because it is her job. You mistook that for personal interest. She was happy to help a customer. She does not want to date you but she doesn't want to offend you & lose a customer. Sorry. 12 hours ago, smackie9 said: Dude she's not interested. She is just being professional, and likes being helpful to her customers. Sorry but if you start asking her out using her personal phone#, that will deter her from giving it out to her other male customers, ruining it for them, when they really need her help. IMO it's never kool to ask someone for a date when they are on the job. You are particulary right but I don’t agree with you. You are so certain. Mind you I don’t condone persistant stalkerish behavior but how do these women get dates or boyfriends if no one tries to approach them ? They are working all they long with almost zero to none sociall activity after work. ( At least it is where I live). Suppose there are many men around their work area bu what if they don’t find any of them attractive enough or what if all these men are taken? And one of their customers happens to be the man piqued their curiosity. Shouldn’t they show some interest? How does he tell the difference? Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I am that man 12 hours ago, Mrin said: Leave it alone. She's not interested. Don't become_that_guy_. I am doing my best. I have never waited ouside of her work place for her or faked meeting by chance. I dread to be that guy. 6 hours ago, healing light said: Yes, you're approaching stalker territory at this point. Your pushing for the coffee 3x must have been really uncomfortable for her at her place of business. I think she is merely trying to be polite, and you've been pressuring for this "lotion" which is why she told you that you can prepare it yourself so she could get you off her back. She's not interested and she's likely feeling harassed at this point. I thought she was reluctant because of the man beside her. And I thought I couldn’t express myself clearly. When I am anxious I tend to mess things up. Thats why I was persistant, I didn’t want to leave with doubt. It was really a mistake I should have choosen more appropriate moment. I wrote those responses not to argue with you. I tried to bring some clarity. I still open for your opinions. And I thank you all. I listened the ones here who suggested to contact her again and I sent her a message. I apologized her for if was pushy and made her uncomfortable and said I hope she didn’t compelled to say yes. She said there is no problem. Excuse her that she has cold these days so she couldn’t prepare my "cream". She is hoping she will be allright in a day or two. I texted back: It would be a miracle not to catch cold when dealing with patients everyday. I hope you get better son. So we are good and having coffee when you are feeling better. (shy face emoji here) --- This is the last time I pushed it. Her: (with two shy face emojis) yes thats right. Let me prepare the cream first… Again it seems formal response on her part. May be this is her interaction style or may be she is being polite again and will brush me off or flake at the end. I can’t say for sure.
Legatus Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 You didn't really push it. You finally asked her with fairly established timeline (after she feels better). Now it's up to her to follow through once she gets over the cold but you should be proud - you made the move and that's great. Don't expect her to follow through but if she does - amazing! 1
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2020 Posted January 10, 2020 I'm pretty sure she has a social life, a circle of new friends, family, goes out just like anyone else, and possibly will use a dating app some time or another. So no she has other options other than men hitting on her at work.
manfrombelow2 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 When a person clearly shows (through her actions) that she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore, you accept it and move on. It's simple as that. 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 OP, I would leave it alone. She’s not interested. Customer facing staff are usually friendly to customers. Since you already asked and she did not respond affirmatively, she’s not interested. lt’d be in your interest to leave it alone.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 7, 2020 Posted February 7, 2020 Usually the best way to proceed in situations like this--when it's hard to determine if someone is interested in you beyond you being a good customer--is to just let the meetings play out. Over time, she share just tiny bits more of yourself ... with each encounter, you guys get to know each other more ... at some point, if the energy is really there, you'll just find a way to ask her out. I think in this situation, you really have to let her take the lead ... as in express an interest in hanging out. Otherwise, you cannot assume she is interested just based on her warmth.
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