Writing a letter to an ex.

[Chloe1995]

Hi

 

just broken up with my gf of the past 4 months. In the time that I’ve been apart I’ve been looking at myself and realised that I’ve made some mistakes. I wanted to know if writing a letter to her detailing how I feel and how I’ve realised that I didn’t treat her right and how I have rectified this now. 
 

Or Is this something for me to write and then never give her. 
 

I don’t want her back I just want to end in good terms. 

[Piddy]

If you don't want to get back then there is nothing wrong with doing that IMO.  With my break up years ago I would've appreciated a letter like that from her.

I say go ahead and do it.  

Edited January 8, 2020 by Piddy

[schlumpy]

This is a flip of the coin. It depends a lot on the type of person she is. Will she use it for revenge and rub your nose in it or will she take it as confession is good for the soul? Only you know how she will react. Make your choice based on whether you will be apologizing or settling an old score.

[Chloe1995]

So If I wanted her back don’t write the letter and send it just keep it for myself. I’d I don’t send it. 

[schlumpy]

If you want her back then it has to be her decision. Instead of a letter get one of your common friends to let her know that you asked about her then let it be. She will know the door is open. If she contacts you then you can apologize if it feels right.

I can't advise you on what to say. Some women would love to hear an apology but I think it depends on whether she has any feelings for you. That's something you will have to discover for yourself and make an on-the-spot decision about.

[Piddy]

You're the dumper.  Do you want her back or not?  If you're not sure then don't do anything until you decide.  You'd be playing games with her otherwise.  If you decide you want her back then send the letter and say you want to get back together, because of all the introspection stuff you mentioned.

Sounds like you're not sure what you want.  How did she take the breakup?  Was it a bad breakup etc..  Has she contacted you trying to get back with you or have you not heard from her?

Edited January 8, 2020 by Piddy

[Chloe1995]

I wasn’t the dumper. She was. I just didn’t handle it well. She has asked to meet up since and I have agreed to it today. 

Edited January 8, 2020 by Chloe1995

[d0nnivain]

Never ever send a letter like that to an EX, especially if you are the dumpee.  The EX doesn't want it.  Here you were only together for 120 days.  Sending such a letter puts you in a very bad light. 

You can write such a letter for purposes of getting your thoughts in order but don't send it.  Instead, write it & stuff in it in a drawer for at least a week.  Pull it back out.  Re-read it.  It should make you cringe.  then find a safe controlled space, light it on fire & watch the smoke drift.  That should help you let go. 

Why are you meeting with her?  What do you think will happen?  Since you say you don't want her back but you want to end on good terms, let her talk.  You listen.  She called the meeting.  Let her say whatever.  All you say is things like "thank you for telling me"  or "I understand what you are saying".  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Chloe1995 said:

I wasn’t the dumper. She was. I just didn’t handle it well. She has asked to meet up since and I have agreed to it today. 

Why did she break up with you, and how did you handle it?

Some specifics might help us understand how receptive she might be (or not) to such a letter. 

[scooby-philly]

Agreed. First off, after just 4 months you don't owe her the letter, especially as the dumpee. Second, if she wants you back she knows how to get into contact with you. Third, if you want to write the letter for your own sake - do it. Just bury it in a book or a drawer as someone said and come back to several times to check your feelings and see what progress you've made and what new revelations have come to mind. Fourth, do not go and meet her. Politely decline. Ask her to allow a friend or family member to pick up your stuff if she's busy and if she isn't if she would kindly drop it off somewhere for you (where an when you will NOT be there). If she's given no reason (or she has and you didn't tell us and it's not "hey, I'm sorry I made a HUGE MISTAKE, blah blah blah," then the outcome will not be good. If you weren't the best person you can be, apologize to her in the letter (which YOU DO NOT SEND) and use it as a lesson moving forward. She will either try and make you feel bad, string you along and play with your emotions, dump on you, etc. Be mature and walk away.

[rjc149]

For God's sake man, do NOT send a letter to a girl who dumped you. Handwritten, email, text message, just don't do it. 

When you are dumped by a girl, the strongest, most attractive, sexiest thing you can do is to accept the breakup, walk away, and never contact her again. Because this conveys that you are secure, confident, have other options, and emotionally strong-willed. She will wonder if dumping a strong, confident man like you was the right move. 

Writing her a letter puking out your pain and feelings and sorrow conveys the polar opposite of this, while also giving her the validation that you still want her. Don't do any more damage to your situation. 

However, writing a letter FOR YOURSELF helps to organize and asses your thoughts, feelings, and gives you insight into where you made mistakes and how she may have felt about your conduct in the relationship. It's helpful for that. There will be days where the letter will be sad and apologetic, days where it will be angry, days where it will be emotionless and cold. It will become an organic document reflecting your feelings. But once you send it, that's it. You send a snapshot of your feelings at the moment you wrote it. Regardless of what you wrote, you WILL regret it. 

Don't send the letter. Go no contact. 

Edited January 8, 2020 by rjc149

[The Outlaw]

Since you don't want her back, write the letter (just don't send it) anyway since it's closure for you. It's the best way to begin to move forward. 

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, Chloe1995 said:

Hi

 

just broken up with my gf of the past 4 months. In the time that I’ve been apart I’ve been looking at myself and realised that I’ve made some mistakes. I wanted to know if writing a letter to her detailing how I feel and how I’ve realised that I didn’t treat her right and how I have rectified this now. 
 

Or Is this something for me to write and then never give her. 
 

I don’t want her back I just want to end in good terms. 

Good terms for whom?  If you don't want her back, then just write it and burn it and keep it moving. She doesn't need to know this.

Edited January 9, 2020 by kendahke

[Legatus]

I can see a mix of responses, so I would like to put my own forward too. 

The key is not just the reason for writing but more what you expect to achieve. I recently wrote a letter to somebody that perhaps most of people here would say it wasn't attractive or strong. I wrote to her many times but never send it because before, the letters were created when I couldn't talk to her and they helped me get out what I couldn't. 

Now the letter was more of a goodbye letter in case I don't see her again. I knew I could have changed my mind so I sent it as soon as it was finished. I felt a big relief mostly because I never expected anything from it. I still don't know if she received it, read it, not to mention I would never expect her to respond to it.

Weird thing is that she recently came back to my life. I am different now and way more relaxed. I still like her but I live more in the moment rather than thinking where it could go. I don't know if it was the letter that made her come back or not. There's a chance but at the same time perhaps not. 

In my opinion it all depends on how the letter reads. Admitting to your mistakes and writing it down might give you more closure than you think. If you start trying to sell yourself so that she takes you back - that's where I agree with others who say it will read like you're just this poor little thing who wants another shot. 

In the end all I can say is this: be prepared for everything but expect nothing.