Terrylee1 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 My husband and I had an argument last night because I had seen that he started watching pornography. He denied it at first but then said it's no big deal. It hurt me to my very core. It may sound silly, but it felt like a betrayal. We have been married for 3 years. I have recently gained a little weight and don't feel real sexy to begin with and aside from that, when we have attempted sex he cannot get aroused with me. We were arguing and I told him to leave me be. He was storming out of the house and on his way out he shoved me so hard against the wall. This is the first time I have experienced this. Not only do I feel betrayed, I feel so sad that his behavior was violent and I'm not sure how to proceed. Please anyone, reach out to me. I feel so lost. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Were you blocking his path intentionally when he wanted to leave to cool off, hurling insults at him, or in his face yelling? Not blaming you or justifying his completely unacceptable actions, just asking for more information to get a better picture of what happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) Sorry for the delay in responding, was waiting to see if they took down the duplicate post. I'm male, but my philosophy is that once is not a pattern but twice is. If he does something violent again, you might need to consider leaving him. Overall it sound like a pretty significant rough patch. You'll probably want to look into marriage counseling (MC). Also, if there is not a medical or similar reason for the ED (alcohol, age) then it may be a psychological reason. Definitely not good and something to discuss in MC. Edited January 8, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrylee1 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted January 8, 2020 17 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Were you blocking his path intentionally when he wanted to leave to cool off, hurling insults at him, or in his face yelling? Not blaming you or justifying his completely unacceptable actions, just asking for more information to get a better picture of what happened. I was asking him to calm down. Talk to me. Let's be adults and tell me the truth. I knew he was angry. I should have let him go and then I wouldn't have been in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 First and foremost, he should NOT have pushed you unless he was defending himself from blows, which he wasn't. It sounds like you just wanted to work things out. When emotions are running very high with someone, the best thing to do is let things cool off and then address it when things are calmer. Has he spoken with you about this and apologized? Maybe you two should seek counseling. How long have you been married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrylee1 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Share Posted January 8, 2020 1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: First and foremost, he should NOT have pushed you unless he was defending himself from blows, which he wasn't. It sounds like you just wanted to work things out. When emotions are running very high with someone, the best thing to do is let things cool off and then address it when things are calmer. Has he spoken with you about this and apologized? Maybe you two should seek counseling. How long have you been married? We have been together for 7 years. Married for 3. His mother is dying from Alzheimer's and mine cancer. I don't mean to sound terrible. I dislike my mother immensely so I'm not stressed on my end. My husband is very stressed. I don't want ignore what transpired between us and we have spoken. We are seeking out marriage counseling. I told him very softly yet with conviction. We are to never touch one another in a physical manner during disagreements or fights. That is something I won't tolerate. He told me that the pornography was something used as a stress release. I have been a bit unavailable he felt due to my own struggles. This does not make it go away. We begin counseling on Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 See what happens at the counseling. Is he remotely sorry for having shoved you? That would be a 1st step. If this truly was a 1 time thing, brought about by the untenable situation in which you find yourselves, that never happens again, you should be able to get past it with help. But if any violence ever happens again you almost have to walk for your own safety. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) I know too well the emotional distress you are under. I let slide the first time my ex-husband pushed me, then it became wrist grabbing, arm squeezing, and it escalated. Some will say if the first time you make it clear you won't tolerate it then maybe there won't be other incident, my take on it is if you forget the first time you're sending the message you'll forgive the 2nd time as well. Using pornography as a stress reliever is an excuse, he's not having sex with you because he's probably addicted to porn as of now. The therapist will address all this with him. Good luck with counseling and please don't forgive that 2nd time like I did. Edited January 8, 2020 by Gaeta 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Good job getting into counseling. I hope it helps. Losing a parent can be stressful whether we have a good relationship with them or not. You really won't know how you're affected until the time comes. I know this from experience. I don't like the kind of material your husband watches either, and it bothers me that my boyfriend uses it too. However, it's everywhere and free these days--and it's addictive. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 I'm glad you're taking the step to go to MC. Hopefully it will help and he can get his temper under a LOT better control. Neither of you are there to be vented on. In response to a different topic mentioned in your original post: IMO it's important in a marriage that both partners needs be met to a reasonable extent. Sometimes that partly means giving loosening expectations and giving the other person some freedoms. I look at porn (BSDM porn mostly) and if my wife told me not to I'd tell her that I feel I should be able to. We have a don't ask, don't tell situation since she knows I do that. That said, we have sex regularly and "successfully" so both our needs are being met. IMO allowing your husband to (reasonably) meet his needs while also asking (and if necessary insisting) that YOUR needs also reasonably be met can be a bit stressful at first but is ultimately healthy for a marriage. If you truly feel that porn is "betrayal" and he truly wants some leeway with it, well that is going to be a problem you'll need to resolve somehow. Of course, if he's turning to porn as a "replacement" and neglecting you and your needs in the marriage, that's also unacceptable. I've never seen porn as that, but perhaps your situation is different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 How did you find out he was using porn?? TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Having dying parents is not an excuse for violence. You’re well within your rights to leave, but if you want to give it a shot, ensure you bring it up in counselling and make sure he knows that you won’t tolerate it again. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Do you have children? Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 On 1/7/2020 at 11:55 AM, Terrylee1 said: ...I told him to leave me be... On 1/8/2020 at 8:11 AM, Terrylee1 said: I was asking him to calm down. Talk to me... which was it? Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Where i come from, you go straight to jail for touching a woman like that, all she does is make the call and his fate is sealed. Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 That is good that you are going to counseling. I don't know. If my husband shoved me against a wall, I don't think I would trust him again. Is he genuinely sorry and does he realize what a bad thing he did? There is a big difference between pushing someone out of the way and pushing them into a wall, but I guess he could have been trying to move you out of the way and accidentally shoved you against the wall. What exactly happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrylee1 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 On 1/8/2020 at 2:07 PM, thefooloftheyear said: How did you find out he was using porn?? TFY He plugged his phone into the nav screen in his truck and it popped up brunette beauty bangs herself. Whoops Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 Once anyone shoves, hits or lays hands on you in a controlling and violent physical manner a taboo is broken and it's easier for him/her to cross the line again when push comes to shove (excuse the pun) again. Violent physical behavior escalates over time. If someone were to do that to me, I'd figure out some sort of consequence for it. If it was someone I was married to I believe I'd leave for at least a night if not more to "think things over." If it was someone I was dating that would be the end of the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 counseling might not solve this problem. Maybe, depends on so many things. Better as a last resort. My guess is that he knows he is wrong but won't admit it. People who are caught lying or some moral wrong become angry--and very defensive. this is no excuse and no good reason to hit or shove you. Unless you pushed him? How long and how often does he look at porn? Hardcore or partly nude? Is it a habit? You need to know these answers to see if this is serious enough to justify your anger. Men are curious about nudity. Try not to take the porn looking personally.Let us know what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 With his porn use and lack of arousal with you, he has effectively discarded you as his love interest. That is a big problem and one that is not easily fixed. One cannot manufacture desire. I guess there is also some contempt for you creeping in. Men often have no time for women they are not having sex with. When you called him out on his porn watching behaviour and his denial, he felt humiliated and criticised, he was shamed, got angry and lashed out. As LWP has mentioned he has crossed the line and that is often the start of abuse. If you have children then I agree MC is worth trying, unless you feel in danger, but if you do not NEED to stay then perhaps you need to reassess this whole relationship. Walking on eggshells waiting for the next time is no fun... Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) I think the porn is probably worse than the shoving. Shoving/slapping are what we call "openhanded" techniques. Meaning, not intended to be physically damaging. It happens, and unless you're 4'10" and 80lbs and he's 2-3x your weight you aren't in danger. Women are too easily freaked out these days. If my husband had let me go for being physical, I'd have been kicked out a long time ago. Some people (men especially, but some women too) just react like that. If it escalates to "closed-handed" stuff like punching, then you're at risk. Stay around for the counseling, because lack of desire is what's ending your relationship. That can be fixed! All he's got to do is stop the porn and all you've got to do is be warm and available. It isn't like he has someone else, and it is likely the fact that you're "feeling unsexy" that is keeping sexy time from happening. Usually feeling unsexy leads to acting unsexy and being unavailable. You've got the power to reverse that. I know it has been an unpopular concept on this forum, but I'll present it here. A decent relationship is partially built on the idea that you mutually don't have the right to say no to sex. He can't deny you, you can't deny him. Obviously if there's health issues or something like that, then there's a reasonable exception. But all else being normal - sex is a major bonding method. Ever wonder why lots of couples have make-up sex after they fight? Bonding and reassuring. Sort out his porn and your unsexy self-image, and you've gone 75% of the way to getting your marriage back. That ought to be good news, right? Edited January 11, 2020 by major_merrick Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) Here's an idea. Trying watching porn together. 😎 Men are very visual regarding sex. I've been looking a naked women since the days when Playboy wasn't showing frontal nudity. ☹️ When I first saw porn I said, HELLO. 😮 As a horny teenager I'd loved to have had porn to masturbate to. It would've beat the Sear Roebuck catalog models in bras and panties. 😀 For many guys and gals porn is fun to watch. Watching other people have sex is a huge turn on for many people. And not all porn is raunchy. There's plenty of sensual porn that is actually tastefully done. My sister went to hairdressing school with a girl back in the 70's that had a huge porn movie collection. It was 8 millimeter back then shown on a Bell and Howell projector. I know because me and my girlfriend had one. I met this girl once, but had a girlfriend. If I was single I'd have asked her out in a New York minute. My type of girl. 🙂 So, not everyone thinks porn is a bad thing. Porn for many couples is an aphrodisiac. I like oysters, but I'll take watching some porn over eating oysters anyway of the week and twice on Sundays. 😉 Edited January 11, 2020 by Piddy 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 She doesn't want to watch porn, as porn is her "competitor". This is not a couple who are having great sex and who just need extra titillation. He is NOT getting aroused by her, and you want her to sit and watch him getting aroused by other women??? She feels hurt, disappointed, betrayed, rejected and cheated upon if not actually disgusted... He prefers porn to her is the bottom line and that is not a good feeling for any woman, especially one who is newly married. Women usually to feel desire need to see desire in their man, a man that prefers porn and his own hand is not going to stimulate any desire in a woman... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 (edited) 49 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Women usually to feel desire need to see desire in their man, a man that prefers porn and his own hand is not going to stimulate any desire in a woman... I agree if he prefers porn over his partner and has no sexual attraction for her anymore, then that is a problem. But, some of us men can chew gum and walk at the same time. Porn is not a competitor for the woman. It can enhance sexual desire though IMO. And again, many couples do enjoy watching porn together. The issue here isn't porn. The issue here is he's lost sexual attraction to his partner. Really nothing to do with porn. He's choosing to not release his sexual energy with his partner. Getting rid of the porn isn't going to make him be suddenly attracted to his partner IMO. Edited January 11, 2020 by Piddy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2020 Share Posted January 11, 2020 19 minutes ago, Piddy said: I agree if he prefers porn over his partner and has no sexual attraction for her anymore, then that is a problem. BUT that IS the problem On 1/7/2020 at 4:55 PM, Terrylee1 said: when we have attempted sex he cannot get aroused with me. Link to post Share on other sites
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