ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) I’ve been talking to this guy for a little over 3 weeks now. Things started out very strong, he would text me everyday by 6:20am to say good morning, he told his parents about me which surprised them because he usually doesn’t talk about girls with them, he was sending a lot of messages, and calling every night. During the holidays, we both left the state to be with our families. This is when things really changed with him. He has a daughter and he doesn’t see her often, so he flew her into his home state to hang out with him and his family for 10 days. During this time, communication was minimal which I was totally understanding of. We are now both back in the same state (he just returned 3 days ago) and things still aren’t back to normal. I kind of started to get worried just because it didn’t feel like he was being himself. I asked him a series of questions, like if he was still into me, if he wanted to keep pursuing things, if he wanted to continue hanging out. He mentioned needing a couple of days to get over missing his family and daughter; also dealing with being back at work and figuring out what’s wrong with his vehicle which he has spent $5,000 on. He said that he still likes me and that everything is the same, but he wants to take it slow because if we rush it, it won’t last. However, I am still finding it difficult to accept this. I know that men and women are very different, but when I came back to our state, I didn’t need any time at all to recoup. I am trying to give him time and space and what I am noticing is that the less I reach out, the more he seems to. He does still show an interest, but it’s still not where it was. I am being told that I need to really step back and let him lead because that’s what guys like to do. My thing is though, when he steps back and doesn’t say much, I immediately think that he isn’t interested. So if I step back and do the same, could he possibly think that I’m not interested either and then move on? I am really wanting some male advice on this situation. ALSO - I told him I wasn't pursuing any other connections and he said that he wasn't either. However, his Bumble location has been changing so I know that he is logging in when he's at work and at home. I get on his profile to show friends pics of him and stuff and this is when I can see his location changes. Should I be concerned about this? Edited January 7, 2020 by ALH adding more
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Not to be rude or judgemental, but people who have children that they do not regularly see are usually in some type of messy financial situation or addicts... To me, it is a red flag for sure, but maybe others feel differently.
Miss Spider Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) Yea his interest seems lukewarm. To be honest, your post sounds a bit desperate and that can push people away, especially at the beginning. Shouldn’t be monitoring his location on bumble or barraging him with texts asking if he’s still interested etc. In fact, at this stage, his lack of interest should cause a drop in yours as well because it’s been shown your communication styles are incompatible at best. Edited January 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 I think he's not that into you. If he were, he'd be more assertive and he wouldn't keep logging into the site. He's still looking because he hasn't found quite what he's looking for yet.
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 Yes, we have met up a few times in person and this is when I asked him what his feelings were about me and stuff. He just gives off some confusing signs. Last night I asked him if he wanted me to make him dinner sometime and he was sooo excited. Responded with, "You know the way to my heart!!!!! I would loooove that!!!" When I receive messages like that, it makes me think that he is still interested. Then last night he texted me something very personal about one of his roommates, which shows that he feels comfortable telling me things. Also, he saw a snapchat on my story of my new baby niece and he sent me a text asking about it. So, he does still do little things to show that he wants to keep communicating. I just want it to get back to normal.
Interstellar Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) On a scale of 1-10 how good looking are you? Guys will put up with all sorts of s**t lol with a good looking woman. If a man digs you he will move heaven and earth to find a way to be with you. Some guys may take longer but it will happen. Edited January 7, 2020 by Interstellar 3 1
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I think he's not that into you. If he were, he'd be more assertive and he wouldn't keep logging into the site. He's still looking because he hasn't found quite what he's looking for yet. Right. I agree that the lack of assertiveness in concering. Actually when he was home, he logged in to show his brother pics of me. So, sometimes I tell myself he's logging in to show friends and stuff which probably IS NOT the case I just don't get how literally 4 days ago, he was telling his mom all about me and even called me while he was still in the room with her and said that his parents would love me and that I'd be great with his daughter. It just seems weird that all of that could have changed in less than a week.
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, Interstellar said: On a scale of 1-10 how good looking are you? Guys will put up with all sorts of s**t lol with a good looking woman. If a man digs you he will move heaven and earth to find a way to be with you. Some guys may take longer but it will happen. I get that I'm a 9-10 quite a bit. I don't want to sound conceited, it's just literally what I've been told. So are you saying that I shouldn't be concerned by his lack of communication? I should just wait it out and see if it gets back to where it was? The thing is, what we had BEFORE we both left the state over the holidays, seemed pretty promising. He said he just needs time to get back to normal and I'm really trying to be patient with him. Like when I asked him if he was still interested, he literally laughed and was like, "Whaaat are you even talking about?" It's like in his mind, he thinks everything is okay and when I start to question it, it just confuses the hell out of him.
lana-banana Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 I don't know that you have anything to be concerned about. It's only been 3 weeks and he said he wants to take it slow. That being said, it's clear he's not all-in or completely smitten with you, so you're just going to have to wait and see how this develops. But I would say if the signs don't consistently indicate he wants more---e.g. if he continues to be "confusing" or he doesn't become more communicative and focused on you---then I'd just let it go. A good rule of thumb is to never give more than you get. If he texts a few times a day, then text a few times back. Don't send him more messages or invest more time than he gives to you. Trying to turn up someone's interest by giving them more attention never works, and is more likely to turn them off altogether. 1
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, lana-banana said: I don't know that you have anything to be concerned about. It's only been 3 weeks and he said he wants to take it slow. That being said, it's clear he's not all-in or completely smitten with you, so you're just going to have to wait and see how this develops. But I would say if the signs don't consistently indicate he wants more---e.g. if he continues to be "confusing" or he doesn't become more communicative and focused on you---then I'd just let it go. A good rule of thumb is to never give more than you get. If he texts a few times a day, then text a few times back. Don't send him more messages or invest more time than he gives to you. Trying to turn up someone's interest by giving them more attention never works, and is more likely to turn them off altogether. I totally agree! I'm just gonna lay low and see what happens. Yes he did say he wants to take it slow and the first time was actually right before he left the state. He snapped me that he missed me and I responded with "miss you too"...he didn't respond so I playfully brought it up later while he was panicking trying to find transportation to the airport. I think I had sent like 3 texts in a row and he was getting annoyed. He responded with, "I can't have you doing this when I have my daughter. I do miss you but you need to slow down because I want this to last." I actually brought that up to him a couple nights ago when I stayed and he said, "Yes, that's where I'm still at." So I hope he isn't BS-ing me and that he genuinely is still interested.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 I'd back burner him and date others. Sounds like he's either not that into you, or he's wishy washy because he's not ready to seriously date period. 1
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 Just now, Ruby Slippers said: I'd back burner him and date others. Sounds like he's either not that into you, or he's wishy washy because he's not ready to seriously date period. Hahaha, I'm not far from that point some days. It's just weird to me that he told his mom so much about me, even to say that I'd be a good with his daughter who is his whole entire world. I feel like that's a lottttt to go and say about someone if you're not into them, ya know? Hopefully you can understand my confusion.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 37 minutes ago, ALH said: So, he does still do little things to show that he wants to keep communicating. I just want it to get back to normal. The thing is that since you barely know each other, you haven't established a "normal" yet. You don't know what he's normally like, and vice versa. This could be exactly his "normal" - hot and heavy at first, then gradually taper off. It's thus crucial that we don't put a lot of stock into what we see so early on. Only time can help us understand who we're dealing with. I would thus caution you against getting too swept up in the honeymoon sparks. Sure, it feels great to have someone interested in you, but him already telling his parents about you is a tad premature. He hardly knows you. Enjoy the moment, yes, but keep some perspective about this. You're still virtually strangers to each other, still learning about who the other person truly is. Let him show you who he is, and don't be tempted to put the cart before the horse. Sometimes people who dive in quickly are just as fast to hop out of the pool. Time will tell if he's one of those. Don't panic if he is - it just means he isn't the right guy for you. 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 When a man is really into you and serious about you, there's no confusion. It's 100% clear. I'm in a fairly new but closely bonded relationship, and this man has made his feelings and intentions 100% clear from day 1. I haven't had to wonder at all. This is how it should be. Knowing what I know now, if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't waste a moment on men who are "confused" or make you feel "confused" by their wishy washy behavior. That you even put up with it cools his jets, shows him he doesn't even need to be that clear to get you - not a good precedent to set. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 9 minutes ago, ALH said: Hahaha, I'm not far from that point some days. It's just weird to me that he told his mom so much about me, even to say that I'd be a good with his daughter who is his whole entire world. I feel like that's a lottttt to go and say about someone if you're not into them, ya know? Hopefully you can understand my confusion. Can’t put a lot of stock in one particular behavior Maybe he didn’t but said he did Maybe he did but his mom knows he’s a player Maybe he really felt that way and changed his mind etc.
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: The thing is that since you barely know each other, you haven't established a "normal" yet. You don't know what he's normally like, and vice versa. This could be exactly his "normal" - hot and heavy at first, then gradually taper off. It's thus crucial that we don't put a lot of stock into what we see so early on. Only time can help us understand who we're dealing with. I would thus caution you against getting too swept up in the honeymoon sparks. Sure, it feels great to have someone interested in you, but him already telling his parents about you is a tad premature. He hardly knows you. Enjoy the moment, yes, but keep some perspective about this. You're still virtually strangers to each other, still learning about who the other person truly is. Let him show you who he is, and don't be tempted to put the cart before the horse. Sometimes people who dive in quickly are just as fast to hop out of the pool. Time will tell if he's one of those. Don't panic if he is - it just means he isn't the right guy for you. I 100% agree that this could be his normal - I've never thought about it like that until now. Agreed, I need to let his actions show me who he is. And he actually did say he's trying to take it slow because he wants it to last and that in the past, when he's dove in too quickly, things have ended soon after. I told him I've had the same experiences and he said, "Yeah, exactly!"
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: Can’t put a lot of stock in one particular behavior Maybe he didn’t but said he did Maybe he did but his mom knows he’s a player Maybe he really felt that way and changed his mind etc. Totally could be! You never know. He actually told me that he USED to be a player but that he could never do that to me because I'm "too good of a person." Even went as far as to say that he was looking for new jobs and saw some out of state ones that he turned down simply because he "couldn't do that to me." 1
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 9 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: When a man is really into you and serious about you, there's no confusion. It's 100% clear. I'm in a fairly new but closely bonded relationship, and this man has made his feelings and intentions 100% clear from day 1. I haven't had to wonder at all. This is how it should be. Knowing what I know now, if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't waste a moment on men who are "confused" or make you feel "confused" by their wishy washy behavior. That you even put up with it cools his jets, shows him he doesn't even need to be that clear to get you - not a good precedent to set. I agree!!! I would love that. Just to know that you're both on the same page. I feel like that's how him and I were before he left the state and went home for 10 days. It's definitely not a normal situation, so it's like, do I wait and see if we get back there (because I think he has some great qualities that I'm looking for in a guy), or do I leave? OR do I just completely pull away and let him chase?
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 I actually spoke with my male counselor about this issue this morning and sent him screenshots of our communications last night. He said, "Oh he definitely still likes you. He's engaging, he tries to keep the convo going, he uses emojis which means he's putting thought into his messages and that he isn't lazy. If I liked a girl, those are the messages I'd be sending her." So it could be that I just perceive things differently than everyone else. There might not be a problem at all, I don't really know.
ThorntonMelon Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 2 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Not to be rude or judgemental, but people who have children that they do not regularly see are usually in some type of messy financial situation or addicts... To me, it is a red flag for sure, but maybe others feel differently. Just wanted to say this is patently and irresponsibly wrong. Not that it's a red flag for you, that's probably true. The rest of it.....on the edge of insulting to single parents who sometimes have to make impossible choices. 1
Author ALH Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 And recently, I noticed he viewed my snapchat story but it's been 4.5 hours since I sent him a text and he still hasn't replied. It just makes NO sense to me.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 45 minutes ago, ALH said: Totally could be! You never know. He actually told me that he USED to be a player but that he could never do that to me because I'm "too good of a person." Even went as far as to say that he was looking for new jobs and saw some out of state ones that he turned down simply because he "couldn't do that to me." Honestly? He still sounds like a smooth-talker. Those are some pretty big words for a woman he's known 21 days. I'd tread cautiously here, OP. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 1 hour ago, ALH said: Totally could be! You never know. He actually told me that he USED to be a player but that he could never do that to me because I'm "too good of a person." Even went as far as to say that he was looking for new jobs and saw some out of state ones that he turned down simply because he "couldn't do that to me." What a load of $#!+. This guys sounds like he's still a player, and is clearly still trying to meet women on the app. That being said, I've learned to NEVER keep asking a man where you stand with him or how he feels. Observe his behavior, as his actions will tell you what you need to know. Repeatedly asking him comes across as begging for attention and makes you seem like a nag. Also, you are way too invested in the outcome of this. It's only been 3 weeks. You haven't even scratched the surface of who he really is as a person.
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