Syd8 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Hello. I'm new here. I'm a 45 year old male who. My girlfriend passed away in April of 2019. When is a good time to try to start dating again? I'me very much still grieving over her loss.
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 So sorry for your loss....you must finish with your grieving, and feel at peace before you will be ready. If you do it too soon you will feel guilt. Guilt is one of those things we have to work out when we lose someone close. Have you tried any counseling? I know men have a tendency to not ask for help. 3
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) It would be unfair to a new woman to start something with her, and then realize you aren't emotionally ready. It hasn't even been a year yet. If you feel you still want to have your needs for companionship and intimacy met while you heal, please let the other person know you are only seeking something casual for now. Don't lead anyone on. Edited January 7, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 6
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) I think the old tradition of one year is rooted in practicality. That's a normal time in which to process what's happened and move through the stages. Agree with smackie, this is one of those times when guidance can be really helpful. The loss of a loved one brings with it a whole spectrum of difficult emotions, a tough path which a counselor can help you navigate. I doubt your GF would have wanted you to be alone forever. Time to take some proactive steps to move on with life... Mr. Lucky Edited January 7, 2020 by Mr. Lucky 2
Interstellar Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) You need to go through the different stages of grieving first, you can’t rush this, it’s cathartic and helped me when I lost a loved one then and only then can you start dating again. Edited January 7, 2020 by Interstellar 1
FMW Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 I'm sorry for your loss. How long were you with your girlfriend? Since you are actively grieving, it's certainly too soon right now to start dating. It's different with everyone, but you'll know when you feel ready to move on. I would say a year at the minimum, but likely it will take a little longer than that. But the fact that you are thinking a little about it means you are making progress. You're just not quite there yet. In the meantime, if you have (or can make) female friends who understand your situation it might be helpful to you in transitioning back into the single scene slowly. It would allow you to start enjoying female companionship again but without moving too fast. But just make sure they are clear that you are still grieving and don't have expectations for anything more than friendship anytime soon.
Author Syd8 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Posted January 8, 2020 Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate the advice. One day at a time. I'm hoping to see a therapist soon. 2
Happy Lemming Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) I've actually been in your shoes... I had a long term girlfriend pass away when I was in my mid to late 30's. First I crawled into a bottle of tequila, then I lost almost 50 pounds and I never left the house (except to go to work)... it was a rough period of time. After about 6 months of self destructive behavior, I emerged, cleaned myself up and started going back into the world to attempt to date. Edited January 8, 2020 by Happy Lemming
Author Syd8 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Posted January 8, 2020 13 hours ago, Finding my way said: I'm sorry for your loss. How long were you with your girlfriend? Since you are actively grieving, it's certainly too soon right now to start dating. It's different with everyone, but you'll know when you feel ready to move on. I would say a year at the minimum, but likely it will take a little longer than that. But the fact that you are thinking a little about it means you are making progress. You're just not quite there yet. In the meantime, if you have (or can make) female friends who understand your situation it might be helpful to you in transitioning back into the single scene slowly. It would allow you to start enjoying female companionship again but without moving too fast. But just make sure they are clear that you are still grieving and don't have expectations for anything more than friendship anytime soon. We were together for 4 years.
Author Syd8 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Posted January 8, 2020 8 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: I've actually been in your shoes... I had a long term girlfriend pass away when I was in my mid to late 30's. First I crawled into a bottle of tequila, then I lost almost 50 pounds and I never left the house (except to go to work)... it was a rough period of time. After about 6 months of self destructive behavior, I emerged, cleaned myself up and started going back into the world to attempt to date. Thankfully I never got self destructive. I'm glad you were able to overcome it. But I'm with you on the doing nothing but work issue. All I do is work and sleep. I still see her sons once a month for dinner, so that helps.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 Sorry for your loss, Syd. Been there. Didn't do therapy for many years later and after numerous relationships, I found myself a simple shell. As others have said, not fair to those who are ready to go out when you are not. Give yourself time, therapy, and then get back in there. One thing that seems to be a premium is a fully emotionally healthy person to find in this dating world. I, unfortunately, live in a part of the world where certain cultural baggage really hits many of the dating pool hard. So many emotionally damaged people. Dating can really suck and I often ask 'why are you dating with all this going on?' Don't be one them if you can help it. Don't be like I was years ago. In the end, taking your time to be ready also protects your from making mistakes of judgment, etc. Good luck.
Happy Lemming Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 1 hour ago, Syd8 said: I still see her sons once a month for dinner, so that helps. For me... I moved, but I've always been nomadic, so it wasn't that big a deal... But yes, moving away was like hitting the "reset" button on life. I quickly finished up a fixer-upper house I had been working on and sold it, then I moved far away. Everything was new and fresh, no landmarks (restaurants, clubs, etc.) to trigger memories that would take me to a sad place. I was also (kind of) friends with her brother and sister-in-law, but I let that friendship fade away, as well. It was just too painful to talk about stuff with them or visit. For me... that seemed to work for my recovery. Best of luck, Syd.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 You can date again whenever you are ready. There are no rules. However it doesn't sound like you are ready yet. Have you considered joining support group for others who are grieving the loss of a SO? My deepest sympathies for your loss. 1
lurker74 Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 As @d0nnivain said, you're ready whenever you're ready. And in some cases, you'll never be ready. If you're going to try online dating, it probably could be sooner rather than later just because the threshold is lower. But you deserve and so does your date to set some ground rules. Perhaps the most important one is, don't talk about your deceased girlfriend. I don't mean don't mention her or her sons or keep it a secret, but be careful not to talk about the things you miss or the things you liked about her. That is for your therapist, not a date. Also recognize that there's a good chance the first person you meet online (or even the first few) are, to some extent, guinea pigs. That's not entirely fair to them so treat them with respect and be kind; I am sure you would anyway but special attention here will go a long way. If you are thinking about asking someone out who is already in your life, you can likewise do so, but I would suggest therapy first so that you do not unwittingly use that person as your therapist. Love can happen quickly. But love can be fickle and sometimes excitement masks itself as love. Sadly, you'll never be ready for that until you do it. But it's also OK if you feel like you aren't ready. The world will still be there when you are ready.
scooby-philly Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 OP, I'm so sorry for your loss! It sounds like you had a great relationship in that you still see her sons. As everyone already said - there's no real guidance for when the time is right. The fact that you came on here to ask and what you shared proves that you're trying to move on from the grieving process but may still have emotional ties that need to be undone. And as others have already suggested, finding a real good friend or two (women preferably but guys are okay too) to go out with who truly want the best for you and can understand that you may need to cut things short sometimes or need to walk outside for a minute or my cry or scream while doing something - lean on them. And progress in the grieving process is a rollercoaster. You won't know when it's over till you look back and the track has been flat for a while. Counseling is always helpful, but if that's beyond your means or it doesn't fit your style, a support group may work as well. One thing to be protective of - don't let others' issues and problems get projected onto you if you join a support group.
Author Syd8 Posted January 10, 2020 Author Posted January 10, 2020 Thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions. I will consider all of them. I really appreciate your help.
Zippy2000 Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 On 1/7/2020 at 3:38 PM, Syd8 said: Hello. I'm new here. I'm a 45 year old male who. My girlfriend passed away in April of 2019. When is a good time to try to start dating again? I'me very much still grieving over her loss. Sorry to hear for your loss of your girlfriend. I would not start dating just now as you are not emotionally ready for any kind of relationship. You need time to recover. Find a hobby, develop yourself but only you will know when you are ready. It took me 4 years to get over my girlfriend and any girl I dating. I was comparing them to my ex. Don't date. Keep busy or go travelling.
kendahke Posted January 13, 2020 Posted January 13, 2020 On 1/7/2020 at 10:38 AM, Syd8 said: Hello. I'm new here. I'm a 45 year old male who. My girlfriend passed away in April of 2019. When is a good time to try to start dating again? I'me very much still grieving over her loss. I'm very sorry for your loss. There is no hard and fast rule on when you're ready. If you're still "very much grieving over her loss", it might be too soon for you. Do you feel you are emotionally ready to fulfill a new woman's expectations for a relationship? Can you be with someone new and not bring up your late girlfriend?
Author Syd8 Posted January 17, 2020 Author Posted January 17, 2020 Thank you to everyone who has offered advice. Today would've been her 50th birthday. I told her last year we were going to have to celebrate it big time. I miss her so much. I am having dinner with her sons tonight to honor her day. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 18, 2020 Posted January 18, 2020 35 minutes ago, Syd8 said: Thank you to everyone who has offered advice. Today would've been her 50th birthday. I told her last year we were going to have to celebrate it big time. I miss her so much. I am having dinner with her sons tonight to honor her day. Awww. I'm so very sorry for your loss :(. 1 1
FMW Posted January 18, 2020 Posted January 18, 2020 Hang in there Syd. At some point the clouds will part and you'll be able to move on and remember her without the sharp pain. 1
Noproblem Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) I don't understand, if you are still grieving why you want to date again? You are not ready! Edited January 20, 2020 by Noproblem
FMW Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 Even though he's still grieving, Syd probably misses feminine contact, emotional and physical. I'm not talking about sex (although he may be missing that as well). Most of us have a need for contact that goes beyond purely friendship. That's why I would suggest that he go ahead and start easing into things, just make it very clear to the women he meets where he's at emotionally at the moment.
Author Syd8 Posted January 20, 2020 Author Posted January 20, 2020 5 hours ago, Finding my way said: Even though he's still grieving, Syd probably misses feminine contact, emotional and physical. I'm not talking about sex (although he may be missing that as well). Most of us have a need for contact that goes beyond purely friendship. That's why I would suggest that he go ahead and start easing into things, just make it very clear to the women he meets where he's at emotionally at the moment. Thank you. You are right.
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