vita_brutta Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) Do rebounds ever go right? To start things off, my husband left me about 7 months ago. Following this, I became really close friends with a colleague. I could tell that romantic feelings were developing on his side, but I never reciprocated and he never acted on it. That is...until he found out about my divorce. I'm gun-shy when it comes to telling people about it, especially people I work with, so no one even knew I had been married, just that I was single. So I had waited (several months in fact) until I felt I could trust him to reveal the big secret of my recent split and how much it hurt me. As soon as I let that out into the open, it was like a switch flipped and he was all over me. I knew it was a bad idea but we were such close friends that it felt natural and safe. Furthermore my judgment was clouded by heartbreak and loneliness, and I gave in. We've now been seeing each other for a couple of months, which I realize is rather short, but things had seemed to be moving forward very fast. He has said beautifully romantic things that make me feel so special, something my ex never did. He's even told me he loves me on multiple occasions. To feel so deeply loved when my divorce had made me feel like the most unloveable person on Earth was like magic. Of course all this flimsy, heady nonsense isn't built to last. There are all kinds of signs that he's not as serious, or even as interested, as his pie-in-the-sky romantic babble would suggest. He's never introduced me to his friends, even those who have nothing to do with our place of work. He doesn't seem all that enthusiastic about spending time with me, as I'm always the one to initiate even though he's told me he has ample free time. In the earliest stages of our...whatever this is, it seemed he couldn't get enough of our time together, so this is rather jarring. At this point I'm questioning so much about him and myself. Did he ever really like me, or did he just smell blood in the water? Did I screw things up by bringing baggage into a new relationship? Is he immature, or have I come on too strong? I have a sinking suspicion that he wants to break things off but is too scared to tell me for whatever reason. So now I wonder what my next step should be. Force the issue and ask him point blank why he's been distant and how he really feels? End it myself and preserve my dignity? Honestly, I don't want to do that because I really do like him. I feel so lost, and I don't want to be abandoned yet again. I want him to stop playing these stupid games and just be honest, but I also fear the answer he'll give if I ask what he's really thinking. Can someone please help me get my head screwed on straight? Is there any chance of setting this ship aright? Should I even want to? Edited January 7, 2020 by vita_brutta
snowboy91 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Rebounds rarely go right... but usually that's because of unresolved issues (fear of being alone, unresolved feelings, etc) on the part of the person rebounding. Your case sounds like it may be due to a lack of interest on his part. It's seven months, it's when the honeymoon period roughly ends. I don't think that what's going on is anything to do with this being a rebound, but you should still talk to him about where this is heading. Ideally what you want is a relationship with someone who is committed to you, but what you have is someone who seems disinterested. Given that, would you prefer to continue a distant relationship or leave to find someone better? Or leave to regroup after your last relationship, which I gather you haven't really had time to do?
Author vita_brutta Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 Sorry for the confusion - the divorce was seven months ago, and this new guy and I have only been seeing each other for a couple of months. So I'd say the honeymoon stage should still be somewhat in effect, which probably makes this worse. The disconnect between his words and his actions, as well as the pullback over the last couple of weeks, is what bothers me most at this early stage. Part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's just busy with work (true) and it'll pass. But he was arguably even busier when we first got together, and he has talked a lot about his vast amounts of downtime of late. And the latter is definitely not him fishing for me to ask him to hang out, it's just a status update. I guess my preference would be to communicate to him how I'm feeling, and if he doesn't want to make it work then so be it. I'll be sad for sure, but if there's one thing my divorce taught me it's that you can't make someone love you, and frankly I wouldn't want to anyway. In the future I think I'll be more wary of anyone that comes on so strong so soon. It's flattering, but not sustainable and most likely not entirely truthful.
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 This isn't a rebound, this is just a guy that was lusting after you. He love bombs you...that's in the player hand book. You intuition is right, the red flags are there, there isn't any real substance to this. The best thing you can do is back off and come back down from your cloud. 1
kendahke Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 It sounds more like you were a conquest idea for him and once he conquered, he was over it. I'd leave him alone and finish with your healing from your divorce. How long were you married? 1
smackie9 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Ya now that you know you still got it, you can now relax and be one with yourself for a little while. Enjoy your newfound freedom. It's all about you now, and no one else.
2BGoodAgain Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 actions do speak louder than words... words are important, but they should be the icing on the cake.... cake being actions. So yeah, you know already what's going on.... As for rebound, there isn't really a time limit on it... yeah, you may not be emotionally distraught where you're breaking into tears at any reminder of your last reiationshiop, but the end of a rebound can be more profound and lasting depending on the circumstance and length and depth of that relationship. YOU determine if your rebound period is done. Doesn't hurt to ask trusted friends on their thoughts. As a general rule, for people coming out of relationships.... be wary of people who fall fast for you.... not always, but often, they fall out of love equally as fast...... b/c their attraction to you is only skin deep, or worse, just their perception of you, instead of the reality that is really who you are... so this might be that situation. like others above, go have a frank talk with him... and if he doesn't seem to be honest with you or himself, leave... i know it won't be easy, but staying b/c you don't want to be alone, is good short term, but you'll be miserable and unhappy long term. Love yourself enough to leave a relationship that isn't making you happy.
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