Jane4780 Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 I’ve (30F) been dating a guy (25M) for 6 months and we’ve become very close during that time. We have been exclusive the entire time and we spend several days of the week together. One of the things we haven’t said yet are those lovely 3 words. We’ve danced around it plenty and I know we both say it with our actions most of the time. I’ve wanted to say it to him, but wanted it to be at the right time. He was out of town for the holidays for a week and we missed each other quite a bit. One of the things he told me while he was away was that there was something that he wanted to tell me in person when he got back home and because of the context of the conversation, I was 100% sure it was those three words. I had also been thinking about being brave enough to say it when he came back, but it looked like he was beating me to the punch. So, he comes back from out of town and we spend the day together and also hang out a couple more times since he’s been back, but he hasn’t said anything. Nothing that seems like he would be going out of the way to tell me that would be so important that he would need to tell me when he got back and in person, and definitely not those 3 words. Do you think maybe once he saw me in person from getting back he got too nervous? I’m not sure how to approach it. I was fully prepared for him to say it and when he still hasn’t (and made a point to let me know), I feel a little saddened by it. His dating background is that he had a long term ex that cheated on him and I also had a long term ex that cheated on me, if that helps.
greymatter Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 If a BF said that to me, I would have been worried that he wanted to break up with me. I'm curious why you haven't asked him what he wanted to talk about, since you've seen each other several times since he got back? 1
Author Jane4780 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 Well, since I thought it was that, I also didn’t want to force it if it was something he was nervous about. It definitely wouldn’t be breaking up - the context of the conversation that he said that in was us telling each other how much we missed being together and being so excited for him coming back. 1
Caauug Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Oh how sweet.... Why does he have to say it first? If you are afraid to express emotions by simply saying "I love you", what is it going to take when there are real issues? A good time to tell him: Just before he falls asleep whisper in his ear, with the right timing it could seem like a dream or it will jolt him awake. You can have multiple tries if you hit the dream first time....
Ambereyes Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Ive been through the exact thing. BF was overseas and expressed increased feelings for me and hinted those words. He said "wait till I come back" also. But he didnt say it after he came back. I dont know why guys do these sort of things but Im guessing life got in the way and they forgot. If everything else is good, dont sweat on it. Eventually I kind of said it first, and he gladly said it back. So no big deal. OP you can say it first if you feel the moment is right.
Legatus Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Actions speak much louder than words. You're looking for the perfect time, guess what - doesn't exist! If you feel it, you say it, but then you back it up with your actions. You're dancing around the subject with him, which is not even that hard if you truly feel it..
Lotsgoingon Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Get a voice .. that going silent and not asking thing--doesn't work. Just teaches your partner (in this case a guy) that he doesn't have to follow through. When people let me back off of something without even asking ... unconsciously, looking back, I lost respect for them. I'm like they don't have memory, they didn't ask me about something I said just ago, so wow, I don't have to follow through--and this person is fine! They can't read my cues ... so when I ANNOUNCE I have something to say in person, they don't even follow up. I lost respect for these folks and immediately there was an electric jolt in my brain that, "not being held accountable. I can get away with what I want." Are those the signals you want to send? You could have asked him what he meant (you don't know that he was going to say the l word). But the idea of not asking what he wanted to talk about ... in order not to pressure him? ... You think he's a baby. That thinking just does not work.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 If a guy hadn't said I love you to me within 6 months of dating, I'd be long gone. 1
preraph Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 I disagree with most of you. Six months isn't that long. But the main reason I disagree is that I have known more than one guy who does not say "I love you" until they are ready to back that up with an escalation of commitment, such as engagement. And there is nothing wrong with that. It should come with some obligation, don't you think? Ask him what he wanted to tell you. It may have zero to do with that and might just be something he wanted to tell you that was trivial when he had someone standing over him or something. There are PLENTY of guys who aren't about to say I love you and make a further commitment until at least a year. 2
Author Jane4780 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Posted January 8, 2020 All of your answers are so insightful - thank you! 21 hours ago, Caauug said: Just before he falls asleep whisper in his ear, with the right timing it could seem like a dream or it will jolt him awake. You can have multiple tries if you hit the dream first time.... I love this idea! We are both hopeless romantics, so this is right up my alley too. 21 hours ago, Ambereyes said: Eventually I kind of said it first, and he gladly said it back. So no big deal. OP you can say it first if you feel the moment is right. I think I might be where you were with this. Did you ever ask him or did he ever say why he didn’t? 16 hours ago, Legatus said: You're dancing around the subject with him, which is not even that hard if you truly feel it.. I’ve been on the verge of saying it on so many occasions during the past month or so. I hesitate each time, and for me, I know I’m getting in my own way because of my past. I want him to hear it and know how I feel and at the same time I know that makes me vulnerable to being hurt again. It’s irrational yet I can’t help but get extremely nervous right as I’m about to attempt to say it. And then I hesitate and think maybe that’s not the right moment or time. 4 hours ago, preraph said: There are PLENTY of guys who aren't about to say I love you and make a further commitment until at least a year. That’s interesting - why do you think that is? I know we’ve both had pain in our past. My particular situation is that my ex-husband had a long-term physical/emotional affair which is the core reason for my hesitation in saying it despite knowing that I feel it.
preraph Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 It's common sense and also tradition for some. There aren't too many parents who would advise their kids as they taught them things growing up to start making a big commitment at 6 months. Now that doesn't mean he won't say I love you. But if he says it apart from commitment then you can't attach commitment to it. It will just be words.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 If I don't feel love for a person at 6 months, it ain't gonna develop at 8 months. 1 1
schlumpy Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 If you two wait too long, the moment will pass you by.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: If I don't feel love for a person at 6 months, it ain't gonna develop at 8 months. Exactly. Many men have confirmed to me what I've read in various places - that since their interest and attraction are sparked by physical attraction, then cemented with behavior, they usually know very fast if they have that level of feelings or not. My boyfriend told me about a month in that he loves me, and has told me every day since, backed it up 100% with actions. Two months in, he told me he wants to make me his fiance, as girlfriend isn't a worthy title for what I am to him. Of course, this isn't an official proposal, but he's made his intentions crystal clear and is backing them up with everything he does.
kendahke Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) On 1/6/2020 at 11:16 PM, Jane4780 said: he told me while he was away was that there was something that he wanted to tell me in person when he got back home I"d point blank ask him what was it that he wanted to tell me in person. You've been together long enough to ask him this. No sense in cursing the darkness when you can light a candle. Edited January 8, 2020 by kendahke 1
Gaeta Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 If my bf had said this to me I'd ask him what it was about probably 5 mins after he can in the door. 2
Ambereyes Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 21 hours ago, Jane4780 said: I think I might be where you were with this. Did you ever ask him or did he ever say why he didn’t? I didnt ask. I think it's too petty to ask "You said you would say it. but why didnt you say it?". The important thing is we love each other, that's enough. I dont think a man has to say it within x months. Some guys put big value in these words and do not say them easily. Besides, just because a man hasnt said it, doesnt mean he hasnt felt it. My BF didnt say it till the 6th month but he felt it long before that.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 28 minutes ago, Ambereyes said: I didnt ask. I think it's too petty to ask "You said you would say it. but why didnt you say it?". The important thing is we love each other, that's enough. No, it wasn't petty to not ask. The question you would ask of course is "What was it that you wanted to tell me in person?" That's the question you wanted to ask. You don't want to to assume it was the "love" issue. You really are telling him through not following up that he can say stuff and totally not follow through. You are signaling some real bad signals--that you basically will put up with anything. 1
Ambereyes Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: You really are telling him through not following up that he can say stuff and totally not follow through. I really think you are blowing it out of proportion. It's not like he made a promise or something like that, there is no following through that he is obliged to. Sometimes I feel like telling my BF a silly joke, the next day I dont think it's funny anymore so i dont tell. what's the matter? But sure OP can ask if she wants. In my situation, because i knew it was ILY, I didnt think there is a need to ask. But in her situation, if it could be something else, she can ask.
rjc149 Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 On 1/7/2020 at 5:04 PM, Ruby Slippers said: If a guy hadn't said I love you to me within 6 months of dating, I'd be long gone. Interesting. I was dating a girl who left me because I never asked her to be my girlfriend or told her that I loved her, and she assumed she was just my FWB. Lots of men's advice literature out there these days which dictate that the man never ask for exclusivity first, never say 'I love you' first -- but the consensus among most women here is that if the man isn't the one moving the relationship forward, they'll disconnect from him and move on. Then again, when a man is too relationship-focused and sensitive and he's rushing things or moving them along inorganically, that's also a turn off. Men walk a tenuous middle ground here. I would cut him a little slack. He's been hurt, he's got scars, that makes people scared to be vulnerable again.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2020 Posted January 9, 2020 1 hour ago, rjc149 said: Lots of men's advice literature out there these days which dictate that the man never ask for exclusivity first, never say 'I love you' first -- but the consensus among most women here is that if the man isn't the one moving the relationship forward, they'll disconnect from him and move on. Then again, when a man is too relationship-focused and sensitive and he's rushing things or moving them along inorganically, that's also a turn off. Yeah, and there are more people living alone in the West than ever before in history, a bleak situation for humankind. Apathy and inaction don't get a man anywhere. If a woman likes you and respects herself, she'll be turned on and delighted by her man taking the leadership position and moving the relationship forward. The most joyful conversations with my friends about their relationships are always about the man initiating the next level of commitment. The most widely desirable men have always moved things along the quickest with me. These guys have options, know what's out there, and know what they want. They also understand that if they don't lock down a good woman, many other men will eagerly step up to try. If a man seems hesitant or halfhearted, a good woman is going to lose interest and move on. 2
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