Allisondave61 Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 (edited) Looking for thoughts on where to go after it appears I (30 F) gave my bf (40 M) an ultimatum I wasn’t trying to give. He moved to my hometown a year ago and me back to the area six months ago. Before he moved, he asked me if I would be alright living in my home town for life. I said fine. Over the last year or so he has asked me to move in, I said no. I don’t feel comfortable until I’m engaged. Okay so we went on Thursday to a travel agency. We have talked about a beach trip for some time. While placing the order he said he would pay for 2/3 (the flight basically) After dinner & back at his house I became increasingly moody and crying. Buyers remorse. I couldn’t sleep and had a bad attitude (this happens at least once very other month. It’s an awful habit of mine...this has happened before about major decisions I.e when I moved back to the area I second guessed it and cried very immature I know) I finally told him that I’m worried about my financial situation, I’ve talked with my mom & I wanted to fully move out of their house within the next several months. I’m sick of being stuck where I’m at with money and living out of my car (going back and forth from my parents house to his). I want a place with my stuff, I’m 30!! He was slow to respond stating I could keep stuff at his place, moving it out of My storage locker. He then said I could move in. I said I’m not going to move in with anyone until I’m engaged. He eventually said why can’t you just stay here and then go to your parents house once a week or so. I said I have standards about this. In between he said you agreed to this trip and we’ve been talking about it. TRUE!! But buyers remorse is a bitch & looking at my bank account was not fun, sharing my feelings. He eventually asked why I don’t move in, given there is something locked in his parents safe, asking if I could wait two more months (I’m assuming a ring). It’s been weird since then. Then last night I asked oh did your parents come into town... just being nice and he became so defensive. It’s like I’m not asking about the ring, damn it!!! I’ve told him multiple times that I’m sorry if I seemed manipulative and asked if he was mad. He said no... but who the f knows. Any thoughts? Sound like a deal breaker? Should I bring it up again? Let it go? My anxiety is so high right now. Edited January 6, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator More info/paragraphs
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 I think you have some figuring out to do. First thing you need is a better budget. You need to get control of your money so you can afford a place & a vacation. Second thing, apologize to your BF for the buyer's remorse about the vacation. Remind him that your reaction was partly due to financial stress. Get him to help with budgeting if you are bad at it. He's paying 2/3 of the vacation. He's obviously into you because he wants you to move in. I get why you don't want to live together & encourage you to stick to your guns. On the vacation have a real heart to heart talk with him about your position on the subject of co-habitation but reassure him that you are not giving an ultimatum or even begging for a ring but you just have standards & living together is not on that spectrum. When you get your own place it will be easier to have him come to you sometimes & you can always leave some necessities at his house to make you feel less like you are living in a car. 1
Hopeful30 Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 Why do you want to be engaged before moving in? Do you feel it's a big step and are afraid to move forward without solid commitment?
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 I say drop it. If you don’t believe in moving in before marriage, stick to your principles. Otherwise, if you do, that’s your decision and not about him. Same with the trip. You need to consider your finances carefully before stuff like that and if you have regrets you can’t put that on your partner. So yeah just drop it in move on. 2
Els Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 (edited) I am really perplexed. You don't want to move in together before getting married, fine - that's absolutely your prerogative to decide, and he accepts that. But you don't want to live with your parents either... and it seems you aren't willing to put in the sacrifices needed to rent a place of your own or to get female roommates. Secondly, you agreed to the trip and yet the thought of paying 1/3rd of it is making you hysterical - were you expecting him to pay 100%? It sounds like what you are REALLY expecting is for him to marry you right now so you can move in with him, presumably rent-free (which it sounds like he has offered but you aren't accepting because you must have both the free rent AND marriage)... and you are going about this in an incredibly immature and manipulative manner IMO. Were I him, I would be wary. Edit: I just read your other thread below... seriously, girl, get a grip on yourself. Do you REALLY want to marry this guy!?! Just call things off already, and get roommates. Edited January 6, 2020 by Elswyth 2
Hopeful30 Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Elswyth said: I am really perplexed. You don't want to move in together before getting married, fine - that's absolutely your prerogative to decide, and he accepts that. But you don't want to live with your parents either... and it seems you aren't willing to put in the sacrifices needed to rent a place of your own or to get female roommates. Secondly, you agreed to the trip and yet the thought of paying 1/3rd of it is making you hysterical - were you expecting him to pay 100%? It sounds like what you are REALLY expecting is for him to marry you right now so you can move in with him, presumably rent-free (which it sounds like he has offered but you aren't accepting because you must have both the free rent AND marriage)... and you are going about this in an incredibly immature and manipulative manner IMO. Were I him, I would be wary. OP, I think you need a taste of independence. Living alone is beautiful. You learn alot about yourself and it's a beautiful (and I believe necessary) experience. You seem to crave freedom from family but aren't ready for serious commitment with a partner. This in-between is, I believe, the reason for your uncertainty about this situation. It's not black and white, there are other outcomes. Do not limit your thinking to 'this or that'. Possibilities are endless. If finances are tight, then make financial freedom a priority above all else. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. It is unwise to commit to a relationship when you aren't happy with yourself. Make your personal happiness a priority and all else will fall into place. Edited January 6, 2020 by Hopeful30 2
Author Allisondave61 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Posted January 6, 2020 Thank you everyone for the insight. This is my first relationship. My concern is how he currently feels about what I said and how I have acted, and where to go. This isn’t the first time I’ve become overwhelmed (typically when I’m stressed) and act like I’m a perpetual three year old. I’m surprised he’s still around, really. It’s immature and embarrassing, and I’m working on it, though there’s only so many times some one can say I’m sorry. Our financial relationship is 50/50, and I have never asked him to pay for anything of mine. Never and he never has. That’s how I want to keep it. On Friday, after all this happened he asked to help clean out my storage over the past weekend, and move some stuff into his house. Some of my things are there.. I don’t want to take too much to feel as if I’m really pressuring him right now. He was kind of awkward on Saturday... though continues to offer to move in my stuff. Today he’s acting like nothings ever happened...
d0nnivain Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 Then take his lead & act like this has all blown over because for him it has. Still it's time to put on your big-girl panties & figure out your finances. 2
Els Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 3 minutes ago, Allisondave61 said: Our financial relationship is 50/50, and I have never asked him to pay for anything of mine. Never and he never has. I'm sorry, but this does not jive with other things that you said. 1. If 50/50 was the expectation, then why bawl at a 66/34 vacation split? 2. You explicitly mentioned in your other thread that: Quote He says he “loves me,” requesting my preference on an engagement ring, pays for things, including family dinners with my family Look, I'm not here to judge however the two of you decide to split your finances. But firstly, do keep your story straight, and secondly, if you were intending to split the bills then just move in with a roommate while you figure stuff out with your boyfriend, it will cost you 0 extra. 1
Author Allisondave61 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Posted January 6, 2020 Yep. He pays and I pay for things too, and honestly it’s becoming more and more tit for tat, as I don’t want to be “like his other girlfriends” - who would ask him for money and expect him to pay for everything, as he has previously mentioned. Hell one time he was like you’re saving me a lot of money compared to the last two... Anyway Deep down I did expect him to pay. He mentioned several times that he was and I brushed it off and then ended up paying what he did.... which Im not complaining about at all, but if you’re going to do something do it.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 The root of all your issues is that you're not in control of your finances and financial decision-making. Check out Dave Ramsey's free YouTube clips and podcast. He's a personal finance guru with a wealth of knowledge and sound advice. I've been listening to him for about a year, and he's helped me completely transform my thinking and planning around money. No one can get your finances in order except you. It all starts with making smart decisions that set you up for success in the future, rather than impulse decisions for short-term gratification. 3
scooby-philly Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 I'm still curious - I read, but didn't respond to you previous post about this relationship. You need to address his very immature and insulting behavior first. And to me, it seems like you want a modicum of independence. And that's fine. Tell him that. Tell him you just want to have your own place for a while - not everyone gets that feeling, but some people do - and do what you can to save more and to earn more so it's possible. And if he doesn't respect your desire, then call it quits.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 Why would you get engaged to somebody that lives in their car? You are clearly financially irresponsible, pushing for engagement is a terrible idea on your part, how about you find a roof to be under before you even consider getting married... Sorry if this is harsh, but this guy would be a fool to ring somebody in your situation. 2
kendahke Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 6 hours ago, Allisondave61 said: I want a place with my stuff, I’m 30!! He was slow to respond stating I could keep stuff at his place, moving it out of My storage locker. He then said I could move in. I said I’m not going to move in with anyone until I’m engaged. He eventually said why can’t you just stay here and then go to your parents house once a week or so. I said I have standards about this. He doesn't want to marry you at this time in his life--that's why he's not putting a ring on your finger. No sane man is going to take on a full grown dependent who's not taking responsibility for their finances and life. If you have standards, then stay with your parents, negotiate a low rent in exchange for house chores etc., get a second and/or third job to amass the $$$ to afford to move into the type of home you want to live in. You cannot make a grown man who doesn't want to marry you do it if he doesn't want to. Time to pull up your big girl pants and get out there and do what you don't like but have to do in order to get the money to live as you like. 1
Author Allisondave61 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Posted January 6, 2020 I’ve never asked him for anything, money included, nor do I depend on him for anything/ money. I took a pay cut to live closer to him, a job which I would be able to return to if this does not work out. My stress was high and I shared my feelings after the purchase.... obviously not appropriate or good communication
Ambereyes Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 You make me think you are trying to find a meal ticket, and even if this ticket has major flaws you are still keen to marry him to solve your finance problems. You try to act independent by paying for your own living costs (which is small comparing to a house) but you eventually want a man to provide you a better life. 1
Author Allisondave61 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 I want to know what he wants. I have a better job opportunities else where, after moving here for him. He would never “pay my way,” nor would I expect anyone too
Ambereyes Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 You want a place with your stuff cuz you are 30. And what exactly does it have to do with him? 2
Els Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 18 hours ago, Allisondave61 said: I took a pay cut to live closer to him, a job which I would be able to return to if this does not work out. Do you mean you lived on your own previously before you moved?
lana-banana Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 Per your other thread, this man isn't mature enough for a serious relationship, much less a marriage. I'm not really surprised to hear this is your first relationship because most mature women wouldn't tolerate this in a partner. I know you want a big commitment but the world is full of men who won't openly ogle or follow other women in your presence. (Following her out of a store...are you kidding? And checking out another woman at your birthday? Where is your self-respect?) Communication issues aside, this relationship seems like a bad match. He's lecherous and has no impulse control; you have no relationship experience and still struggling to be sufficiently independent. You apparently don't understand each other very well. Remember, engagement/marriage doesn't make problems go away. If you're unable to express yourselves or work through issues at this point, it's unlikely to get better without serious and sustained commitment to change. Is this really the man you want to be with for the rest of your life? 2
Interstellar Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) How long have you been dating? It takes at least 2-3 years to get to know someone, and Statistics show that moving in before getting married has a higher likelihood of divorce. Personally, he should give you the ring, then you can move in together after you get married. I’m concerned about your mood swings. How severe are they? You said this happens every other month so I’m guessing six times a year. That may be tolerable but if this happens regularly and it’s severe where you do it every month it may drive him or both of you crazy so don’t get married and have kids. Edited January 7, 2020 by Interstellar
Author Allisondave61 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 24 minutes ago, Elswyth said: Do you mean you lived on your own previously before you moved? Yes. For five years.
Els Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 1 minute ago, Allisondave61 said: Yes. For five years. Then I think you should go back to that, especially in light of your other thread. Why do you even want to marry this guy, from everything you've said about him?
Author Allisondave61 Posted January 7, 2020 Author Posted January 7, 2020 36 minutes ago, lana-banana said: Per your other thread, this man isn't mature enough for a serious relationship, much less a marriage. I'm not really surprised to hear this is your first relationship because most mature women wouldn't tolerate this in a partner. I know you want a big commitment but the world is full of men who won't openly ogle or follow other women in your presence. (Following her out of a store...are you kidding? And checking out another woman at your birthday? Where is your self-respect?) Communication issues aside, this relationship seems like a bad match. He's lecherous and has no impulse control; you have no relationship experience and still struggling to be sufficiently independent. You apparently don't understand each other very well. Remember, engagement/marriage doesn't make problems go away. If you're unable to express yourselves or work through issues at this point, it's unlikely to get better without serious and sustained commitment to change. Is this really the man you want to be with for the rest of your life? First relationship, wanting to settle down, him telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me, him moving to my home town... I will admit some times it is confusing, especially with the way he acts. Though with the “tantrums,” I’m not much better some times. There’s anxiety thrown in, thinking that he’s going to leave me. I agree... it’s not healthy
Calmandfocused Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) I think there’s some “princess syndrome” going on here. You want your partner to be your “knight in shining armour” who will look after you, take care of you and solve all your problems. I think that’s the reason why you haven’t made your financial responsibilities a priority, even though you’re 30 years old. Deep down you’re hoping that you won’t need to worry about it and that your boyfriend will sort it all out for you. This explains why you got so hysterical about the holiday payment. Op, I say this with love: you do need to grow up somewhat and take care of yourself at the age you are. Your parents nor your partner should be taking care of you at your age. I strongly suspect that your emotional and physical dependency is contributing to your boyfriends patience wearing thin with you. If you want to keep him, show him some strength and independence. In other words look after yourself, manage your own money and learn to emotionally regulate. Edited January 7, 2020 by Calmandfocused 1
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