starr3546 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Hi everybody, my boyfriend and i have been dating since may for the past 2 months it has been getting very serious. Before me he dated a girl for about 8 months; she broke up with him and really hurt him. I know he loved her and that she completely tore him apart when she broke it off. They were at the time in a long distance relastionship. Since then he has moved home and she has seen him aroundd. So now on to the rest of the story....About a month ago he told me that she sometimes calls him; which was very un-nerving to me. I asked him if i should worry about this and he said no. The other day i was using his phone to call my phone and i went to the letter int he alphabet where my name would be as well as hers and i noticed that he had erased her phone number from his phone. But then this past friday we were going to a concert and she called him. He just looked at the phone and said "what does she want" and put the phone down. When i asked who it was he told me it was his ex, but it made me kind of mad that she was still calling him. I didn't let him know this at the time because i didn't want it to ruin our night. We had a great night that night, and then the next morning well afternoon actually she called him again around 3 o'clock p.m. and he answered right in front of me and told her he would call her back. I didnt know it was her at this point and didn't ask. Anyways that same night we both went out with our friends and decided to meet up at the bar a lil later. While at the bar i saw his ex, she was pointing at me and talking about me to her friend. ... she knows who i am because me and my bf dated a lil last summer. Anyways i went to meet up with my boyfriend at another bar. While there she walked in. He knew she was there and was being very affectionate and in some ways i think trying to make her jealous. We walked right by her and i didn't see this but she pinched his butt and said hey what's up..... he turned around and was just like hey, not stopping to talk or anything. She was staring at us and then while we were dancing i kept seeing him look over to where she was standing to see if she was looking....now it is human nature to try and make those who hurt us jealous even if we are happy with who we are with, but i can't help but feel nervous about her. When she calls she doesn't ask for him back or anything but still it makes me nervous and upset. That night we talked about the situation and he told me i have nothing to worry about. This is when he told me that she called him earlier in the afternoon that day when i was over. I asked him if he called her back and he said yes but she didn't answer the phone. Then i asked him why he called her back and he told me because he knew that she would ask him what he did the night b4 and then he said that he could tell her that he was at a concert. Which he said she would know what that meant because she knows what going to a concert means, and that he always takes a girl. Which i think is ****....there is no reason for him to call her....I told him i want him to tell her to stop calling him, and he really didn't answer me. But he told me he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, and that he was glad i was at the bar with him that night so he didn't have to talk to her. He talks about the future with me and things we are going to do and swears i have nothing to worry about, but still i hate that she calls him....so here i guess i have two questions, what should i do if she keeps calling him, how can i trust him when her calling him is always in my mind, and secondly what does it mean that he called her back, is it what he says the just wants to make her jealous b/c of human nature.....someone please help!!
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 What is the time frame of them breaking up and you getting together with him? This would help me figure out if he's still into her or really not into her. People move on. I just hope he isn't stringing you along so he doesn't have to be alone. I don't know what kind of person he is, but right now, to me anyway, he seems like a jerk! He knows and is totally aware of your feelings, rightfully so, considering how much he loved her! He's not standing up to her or telling her off! You have every right to feel the way you do.
RecordProducer Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I think all his actions are completely okay. You are more worried about his feelings, because he loved her. I don't think you have anything to worry about so far. So what if she calls him? My BF gets upset when my ex emails me with love statements and he doesn't have a clue how little it means to me (what the ex says to me). Don't tell him to stop talking to her. Being possessive doesn't yield any good results. Just let him do what he thinks he needs to do. If he loves you, he will remain yours. If he doesn't then he will find another girl (not necessarily the ex). So if you feel that he is into you, you have nothing to sweat about. Some people will come here and tell you that it's not right that he talks to his ex, that you should forbid the phone calls and give him a hard time. But think of it from your perspective. If your ex calls you, is it your fault? Do you have to be rude and f*ck them off because your partner wants you to?
erika2610 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I think all his actions are completely okay. You are more worried about his feelings, because he loved her. I don't think you have anything to worry about so far. So what if she calls him? My BF gets upset when my ex emails me with love statements and he doesn't have a clue how little it means to me (what the ex says to me). Don't tell him to stop talking to her. Being possessive doesn't yield any good results. Just let him do what he thinks he needs to do. If he loves you, he will remain yours. If he doesn't then he will find another girl (not necessarily the ex). So if you feel that he is into you, you have nothing to sweat about. Some people will come here and tell you that it's not right that he talks to his ex, that you should forbid the phone calls and give him a hard time. But think of it from your perspective. If your ex calls you, is it your fault? Do you have to be rude and f*ck them off because your partner wants you to? It wouldn't be her fault that her ex called her no, but it'd be her fault if she called him back and had a conversation with him, and told her current boyfriend she was gonna call him back. I think it's just disprespectful of him.. he knows how she feels about this. He doesn't have to be rude to her.. just tell her to stop calling him.
newbby Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 i agree it sounds slightly worrying, that he is still trying to make her jealous. i dont think, in itself, someone talking to their ex is a problem, but the way he is doing it and admitting to you that he wanted her to know he was with a girl does sound like a little cause for concern. it is human nature, especially since she hurt him, and it may be nothing more than that. i dont think that laying down any rules is a good idea though, i think far better to say to him that you will give him time to figure out what he wants and give him some space away from you. it is not unreasonable for you to say this, but, telling him he cannot speak to her will more likely drive him away, whereas giving him space to figure out his feelings for her, may make him realise that actually, there arent really any.
Leid Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Starr, I'm in no position to judge this guy..but I have been in a similar situation (with b/f's ex's and phone calls). It's disrespectful for him to even answer the phone, KNOWING who it is, in your presence. You may want to let him know that's not cool with you. Then, trust comes in. You can't be w/ your guy 24/7 and if you're not comfy now he may use that later to his advantage if he wants out. My solution in the past was to pick up a new interest or a class. When your mind is on something else, you don't have time to worry about whether some ex is calling. And you'll eventuallly get his attention when he sees you're not worrying about him! Best of luck to ya... Leid
kscholze Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 It is a very tough situation. My ex/gf would get text msg from her ex all the time, and I thought nothing of it. Well when we broke up she was back witih him in a month. (maybe sooner) now she text me and tells me that she loves me when I see her while with her ex ( who is now b/f) She is a different breed though.
Author starr3546 Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 they broke up in feb... and she didn't start calling him again until about a month ago
Author starr3546 Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 thanks that is how i feel, it is disrespectful to my feelings!! There is no reason for an ex to call!
Thoughts Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 my situation is a little more tricky... i've been with my boyfriend since march 1st. we moved in together june 1st. (we've known eachother for over 8 years and i used to date and live with his brother - my current boyfriend and i HATED eachother up until the day we first slept together) ok... so - when my bf and i got together he was still with his ex. and in fact - HE NEVER BROKE UP WITH HER. they were together for about 2 1/2 years - the same amount of time as me and his brother. we started sleeping together because i was very upset with his brother and he knew that was the reason. we NEVER thought we would end up together. he and his girlfriend were having problems for a while. he just stopped talking to her. he would disappear for weekends at a time to be with me and she would just wonder why he would disappear. it was in May that we realized how real this was and that we were in love. he still to this day has not verbally broken up with her. she is psychotic and she has proven this by her actions of freaking out and calling his friends etc. etc. so, as much as i feel she should know a) he has a new girlfriend b) he is living with her and c) it is his brother's ex - he feels that it is none of her business and she will just go a little crazy. since we've been together she's called him. moreso at the beginning - and he would answer on rare occassions - but, hasn't answered in a few months - in fact she stopped calling altogether a month or so ago. well, two days ago she started calling again. and then this morning she called at 6:50 am!!!! her mother is sick with cancer and i am hoping she has not passed - but, my boyfriend doesn't want to deal with the situation - he figures she will just go away. i am starting to get a little annoyed. i know i can't keep her from calling him, but i think she should know he's moved on. he doesn't want to call her back or talk to her because he feels it will encourage the phone calls and if her mother has passed, he doesn't want to know - because she needs to find someone else to lean on - i know this is a little jumbled - writing it at work - just would love some thoughts on the situation.... thanks
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