smackie9 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 Hey I'm just stating that you also have to consider the BF's pov and put yourself in his shoes to make it an even playing field. I know that a lot of OPs in these types of threads solely come here to find affirmation to make themselves feel better, and not really seeking help. She doesn't want to breakup with her BF. And would there ever be a discussion that she would tell him that he's being insensitive and unfair? Doubt it. This will blow over and she will carry on as normal. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Hey I'm just stating that you also have to consider the BF's pov and put yourself in his shoes to make it an even playing field. I know that a lot of OPs in these types of threads solely come here to find affirmation to make themselves feel better, and not really seeking help. She doesn't want to breakup with her BF. And would there ever be a discussion that she would tell him that he's being insensitive and unfair? Doubt it. This will blow over and she will carry on as normal. They've already had a reasonable discussion and because of her insistence that such a discussion be had, they came up with a new strategy for future outings. Again, if her account is accurate, I did consider the bf's pov.
HappySenior Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Hey I'm just stating that you also have to consider the BF's pov and put yourself in his shoes to make it an even playing field. I know that a lot of OPs in these types of threads solely come here to find affirmation to make themselves feel better, and not really seeking help. She doesn't want to breakup with her BF. And would there ever be a discussion that she would tell him that he's being insensitive and unfair? Doubt it. This will blow over and she will carry on as normal. Then lets reverse this.. I'm taking a guy out for "just a drive down route 11 for a half hour". I'm driving my car, it's a stick and he doesn't know how to drive one (or I don't let others drive my car). Along the drive, i say "I want to stop at this antique store on this road." I stop, we spend an hour. We get back in the car, driving some more. I drive further away from home, and we come up on a movie theater. I stop there and say "I want to watch this movie". The guy has now spent 3 hours with me in a car, doing what *I* want to do. Would that be considerate? Of course not!
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) But she already agreed, and it was planned was it not? It wasn't like driving on the way there and saying "Oh by the way we will be out for 24 hours+" There are sacrifices that you make for your partner. He had something planned. If she didn't like it, she could have said forget it, I couldn't handle it and sent him on his way alone. She's an adult, she can make her own decisions, and made the best of it on her own. Edited January 5, 2020 by smackie9 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: But she already agreed, and it was planned was it not? It wasn't like driving on the way there and saying "Oh by the way we will be out for 24 hours+" There are sacrifices that you make for your partner. He had something planned. If she didn't like it, she could have said forget it, I couldn't handle it. She's an adult, she can make her own decisions, and made the best of it on her own. I'm going to exit out of this thread after this post. It sounds like she has moved on with the understanding that her bf will make his own compromises in the future. Anyway, in paragraph 3, she says that upon arriving at her bf's friend's house she was told that they were going to stay the night. He was too tired to drive back (an hour drive). Surprise. In paragraph 4, he adds another surprise by telling her that they will spend more time. I must be reading another post or something...
PinkFlamingo Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 3 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: This isn't about her not having her toiletries. Please. That is a simple fix. 1. BF rushed her and she forgot. BF rushed her. He wanted to get on with HIS agenda. Yeah, you could argue that she could have asked him to turn around to retrieve her toiletries, but do you think this BF would have? Or perhaps he would have given her more grief about not being organized, etc.? 2. BF was the one who was ambiguous about the plans. I suspect intentionally. Then sprang the extra day and events on her w/o discussion. 3. BF has the car, not her. Would she have left if she had her own car, probably not. She is essentially at the whim of her BF's decisions as to how things were to go. Let us focus a little the BF's reaction. Not at all understanding during the time despite #1 and #2. 4. Being spontaneous and going with the flow is great and all, but it should happen if the other person has no other commitments. The BF decided, unilaterally, that they were going to stay longer. Did he, at any moment, think about what the OP had planned or wanted? NOPE. OP, I would be miffed too. At no time, realistically, did you have a choice. You could have made the experience less stressful for yourself, but the most important thing is your BF has drafted and agreed upon a plan of action next time he has the notion of unilaterally decided what you both would do. I also felt the other posters were a bit harsh on her. I know the kind of people who put everybody under pressure, never give you a complete set of information and then act annoyed if they have to deal with your problems although they only occurred because of them. Some people are just not very understanding and her boyfriends seems to belong to this group, while the OP seems more like the quiet kind who is not used to speaking up when people neglect her needs. I know my guyfriends would be more helpful.
Miss Spider Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) Just my opinion, but I really don’t understand though why it would be so hard to let her pop into a Walgreens or something. She could possibly even take his car if he absolutely couldn’t spare the 10 or so minutes. It is high maintenance, but seems like a small price to for b1a6 to stay looking pretty and be comfortable Then again, perhaps this isn’t the first time something like this has happened and he lost patience? Edited January 5, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
preraph Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 1 hour ago, SummerDreams said: This exactly is the problem with extroverts; their way of thinking is "why are you making this such a big deal?". I just want to add again something I said in my original post here. I am an introvert in the sense that I would not like to be stuck there at that house for that long either and am not comfortable around a houseful of strangers. But because of that, I would NEVER have agreed to this plan without either taking my own car or getting myself a hotel room to escape to and regroup and relax, even if I had to pay for it myself. That is what I have done on occasions in the past such as family reunions or even holidays. And I got a separate room so I could keep my own hours. Introverts don't have to be disorganized OR helpless. That's a choice. 6
stillafool Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 I think if I were her and knew bf was in a rush to spend time with his friend and knowing my period was coming I would have told him to go alone. I would stay home and be comfortable. 2
stillafool Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 3 minutes ago, preraph said: I just want to add again something I said in my original post here. I am an introvert in the sense that I would not like to be stuck there at that house for that long either and am not comfortable around a houseful of strangers. But because of that, I would NEVER have agreed to this plan without either taking my own car or getting myself a hotel room to escape to and regroup and relax, even if I had to pay for it myself. That is what I have done on occasions in the past such as family reunions or even holidays. And I got a separate room so I could keep my own hours. Introverts don't have to be disorganized OR helpless. That's a choice. I do the same when I visit out of town. I come and go as I like. 1
PinkFlamingo Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 2 minutes ago, preraph said: I just want to add again something I said in my original post here. I am an introvert in the sense that I would not like to be stuck there at that house for that long either and am not comfortable around a houseful of strangers. But because of that, I would NEVER have agreed to this plan without either taking my own car or getting myself a hotel room to escape to and regroup and relax, even if I had to pay for it myself. That is what I have done on occasions in the past such as family reunions or even holidays. And I got a separate room so I could keep my own hours. Introverts don't have to be disorganized OR helpless. That's a choice. She sounds pretty young and might not have made these experiences yet. Personally, I just hate going to parties where I need a ride in someone else's car. I was stuck at places at night and couldn't go home, because I don't drive and depended upon someone else to drive me home. Which means, suck it up until your driver wants to go home or run around and find someone else who also wants to go home earlier. 2
preraph Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 ^ Me too! I had a roommate when young that couldn't be depended on to 1) be able to drive home safely or 2) even go home. She ran off in the middle of a little interview once leaving me stranded. She was an extrovert deluxe. Anyway, I told her civilly I was taking my car (even when I drove her, I'd end up waiting on her) from now on and we just did that. Then we were both happy. I realize that's not always practical, though. Communication is key. Otherwise, you will ALWAYS end up at the whim of another person. 1
Atwood Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 Hi! I’m just popping into this thread because I read the first post and I really resonated with what you said. I’ve always described myself as pretty scatter-brained, however, I’ve come to realise that because I am such an agonisingly anxious person, other worries sometimes climb the priority list over toiletries and such like “oh my god I’m meeting new people, I should make sure I take my best clothes” and then I go and forget all of my underwear (true story about going commando to meet my partner’s extended family). Not to mention that if I’d started bleeding, I’d be screwed because I didn’t take sanitary towels either. I love the way you approached your thread by bolding your communications. As far as I can see, you’re pulling your weight in the communication department. You have told him you’re an introvert and when things didn’t quite go to plan, you very maturely talked things through and set down some ground rules for next time. One thing that leapt out at me was “my bf told me” instead of asked. The reason why I noticed this is because, if you’re anything like me, is it possible that you’re often frustrated because you’re kind of put in positions that you’ve agreed to but then you can’t put on the breaks? I’m incredibly introverted, anxious and I also have some distressing symptoms and a chronic illness, so it’s very important that I’m fully prepared for long trips and that I always have the option to get home. However, I’m also a massive people-pleaser and there have been times where I’ve been unable to say no or make a fuss because I feel so guilty but I also feel so stressed and overwhelmed by the situation. At this point, your partner needed to be on your team. You needed him to settle you somewhere comfortable, go out and grab you some sanitary products and ask “do you need to go home?”. My partner knows full well that I will go along with things that I don’t want to do because I feel very guilty putting my needs first, so he will step in and save me from situations when he can see I’m exhausted or grumpy. I think your relationship is very young, and there’s plenty of time for you both to work these things through and talk about your needs. My partner wasn’t very sensitive or understanding to my needs at first, and neither was I to his. Now we both know when the other needs to get home or needs some assistance and we have an agreement to always have each other’s backs on it. I think you need to keep persisting gently with the explanation that it doesn’t matter whether you’re an introvert or not, if you’re out of your comfort zone and things haven’t gone to plan, you need to support each other. I can’t for the life of me understand why he didn’t go to the nearest supermarket and grab you some basics. Btw, don’t feel guilty for being grumpy. You were right before your period and you felt greasy and gross (I’m sure you didn’t look as bad as you felt, but we all know how crap we feel before a period), and it’s understandable that you just weren’t in the mood for it. I think in time your boyfriend will hopefully adjust to that as well. Make sure your partner is always asking you whether or not you’re down for plans instead of just making them and expecting you to come along. That’s just the respectful thing to do
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) He did take her to Walgreens... Anywho, she's posting as a person with anxiety/introvert. IMO it didn't have to be this bad for her. If I were hosting overnight guests, even if last min, I would go out of my way to make sure they had everything they needed. I'm surprised that no one offered to let them know to help themselves to a shower or anything like that. They did have a place to have a nap tho? Edited January 5, 2020 by smackie9 1
Atwood Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 Just now, smackie9 said: He did take her to Walgreens... Thank you for flagging this up to me. I didn’t see that part! It’s better than I thought I honestly don’t think OP has much to worry about as actions speak louder than words. OP, I would focus less on trying to get him to understand introversion and just frame it as “this is what I need in a relationship with you” 1
preraph Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 11 minutes ago, smackie9 said: He did take her to Walgreens... Anywho, she's posting as a person with anxiety/introvert. IMO it didn't have to be this bad for her. If I were hosting overnight guests, even if last min, I would go out of my way to make sure they had everything they needed. I'm surprised that no one offered to let them know to help themselves to a shower or anything like that. They did have a place to have a nap tho? If I was stuck somewhere, for whatever reason, with no clothing change, even if they didn't offer the shower, I'd ask, and even if there was no one to ask, I'd take a spit bath in the sink and I'd wash out my underwear and roll it in a towel and dry it overnight and my blouse too, as long as it wasn't something too heavy. I'd ask to borrow my BF's t-shirt to sleep in since presumably he brought what he needed. 3
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, preraph said: If I was stuck somewhere, for whatever reason, with no clothing change, even if they didn't offer the shower, I'd ask, and even if there was no one to ask, I'd take a spit bath in the sink and I'd wash out my underwear and roll it in a towel and dry it overnight and my blouse too, as long as it wasn't something too heavy. I'd ask to borrow my BF's t-shirt to sleep in since presumably he brought what he needed. This is why I say stop focusing on the negative, suck it up and figure something out instead of wallowing in self pity. Makes me wonder if "Forgetting" was an actual ploy to get back home after the party....spending the night over at a strangers house would be constantly on my mind, and would be concerned about having everything I need. Edited January 5, 2020 by smackie9 2
Atwood Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 3 minutes ago, preraph said: If I was stuck somewhere, for whatever reason, with no clothing change, even if they didn't offer the shower, I'd ask, and even if there was no one to ask, I'd take a spit bath in the sink and I'd wash out my underwear and roll it in a towel and dry it overnight and my blouse too, as long as it wasn't something too heavy. I'd ask to borrow my BF's t-shirt to sleep in since presumably he brought what he needed. I think you’re right and I also think these skills come with time. I hope OP uses this as a steep learning curve. We’ve all had to go through stuff like this to realise our plan of action for next time. Anxiety isn’t a rational beast and it’s easy to think up what you should have done afterwards and I’m sure OP can think of a million different things she could have done, but probably felt like a deer in headlights at the time. The frustration probably came from her bf being dismissive and taking it personally instead of being encouraging and calming. Being an anxious introvert dating someone with very little interest in making plans has taught me that it’s so so valuable when your partner meets you halfway and keeps you informed and calm, but always overestimate how much preparation you’re gonna need. 1
preraph Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 Well, if it never occurs to someone they can clean up in the bathroom in private, that goes beyond unskilled, though. 1
OatsAndHall Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/4/2020 at 4:46 PM, b1a6 said: I did f*** up by forgetting my things, I know I am forgetful sometimes. I acknowledged it and apologized for it. I didn't want to ruin my boyfriend's time, I just thought we could compromise by either going later in the day, or leaving the next morning. And I just wanted him to understand that not everyone is the same, some people don't like being at parties for hours on end. But judging by the majority of the responses here I guess I should have just sucked it up. It would have been nice to know that we would have been spending time there the next day though. I don't think it's fair for that part to have been sprung on me and I don't think I should have had to ask ahead of time "Are we going to be spending time the next day as well?" But now I know it's a possibility, so I will ask. Communication, communication, communication... My gf has a big family; they get together all the time, hang out all night and drink heavily. This isn't my cup of tea and I was upfront with her about that from the very beginning. We came to a compromise; I spend a lot of time with her and her family but I always drive myself so that I can leave when I'm tired. I go, have a good time with her and her family but call it quits when I'm ready to do so. On one occasion, she drove because she stated that she didn't want to stay long. She started enjoying herself and we ended up there until after 1am. I was irritated but I kept it to myself and reminded myself that I had the option to drive myself and I chose not to take it. I didn't badger her to leave or remind her of the time; I smiled, nodded, and did my best to enjoy myself. She apologized on the way home and I told her it wasn't necessary. But, I made sure I took my own car the next time we went out. And, there are times when I simply won't join them. They were all going to a concert at a small, packed venue one night and I tapped out on it. I hate that venue as it's overcrowded and really too loud to enjoy the music. I drove myself, joined them for dinner and then went on my merry way. 3
Foxhall Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 17 hours ago, preraph said: I just want to add again something I said in my original post here. I am an introvert in the sense that I would not like to be stuck there at that house for that long either and am not comfortable around a houseful of strangers. But because of that, I would NEVER have agreed to this plan without either taking my own car or getting myself a hotel room to escape to and regroup and relax, even if I had to pay for it myself. That is what I have done on occasions in the past such as family reunions or even holidays. And I got a separate room so I could keep my own hours. Introverts don't have to be disorganized OR helpless. That's a choice. good advice here, dont put yourself at the mercy of other people 1
scooby-philly Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 OP, I had to stop reading after the first page of responses because people make so many assumptions and don't think and reflect. And heck, several people did not clearly actually read your post before responding. I will not presume to know whether or not you and your bf are meant to be together long-term. Introverts and Extroverts can workout together. And extroverts can, and many do, learn what it's like to be an introvert and vice versa. There's a lesson though to be learned here by you, by your bf, and by you two as a couple. First, if you know you need certain things to feel comfortable in a situation it's on you to have those with you. If you forget (and it happens to us all) then you need to express the need immediately and a person's SO needs to understand that and take care of their partner. Also, it sounds like you needed to make your bf understand you need clearer plans when going into a new setting with so many new people. Your bf needs to learn what introversion is and also to plan a little bit better - in the context of spending so much time with people you don't know when you don't have a way out. As a couple, it sounds like you're having relatively healthy and mature conversations, but it seems like in the moment he wasn't mature and understanding of your feelings. Now that being said, I think moving forward (with or without this guy) you need to be more planned and strategic with conversations BEFORE you get stuck in this sort of situation again. There's no point in "soldiering on" into a situation you're uncomfortable with if you're going to be miserable about it. I understand and I'm not insulting you and your personality. I'm the same way (though maybe a little bit more closer to extroversion) - so I can relate. But if you left and got into the car with him without getting the information, plan, and support you needed to make it through for his sake, then you're as much to blame for the "situation" as he is. Now in terms of "educating" him...you need to find something that he absolutely hates to do - that drains him, that he loathes, that makes him uncomfortable, and then use that as a starting point for explaining how those sorts of situation make you feel. And for the sake of the "long-term" compatibility thing - look - it's all about our experience, our understanding, our needs, and our wants. Let's imagine a scale of 0 to 10 - 0 being extreme introversion and 10 extreme extroversion with 5 being someone who's balanced between both. I'm an extroverted introvert - mabye a 4/6 split. 3/7 if it's been a bad week or 2/8 if I'm depressed - but generally about a 4/6. But based on my wants, my needs, and my experience - I can say I know I couldn't date someone who was a 8 or higher towards extroversion or a 0 or 1 introvert - the one would exhaust me and the other would bore me. But it's also about how other things come into play. For me, someone who was 6/10 on the scale but did what your boyfriend did without considering my feelings would hurt me. Or a 6/10 who had 1,000 friends we had to constantly keep up with would annoy me to no end. Similarly, a 4/6 or even a 5/5 who had hobbies that were completely different than mine and didn't care to learn about mine would not be a good fit for me. So keep that in mind Here's hoping you work it out!
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