How can I get my bf to understand my introversion?

[b1a6]

Me and my bf (of 5 months)'s New Years Eve celebration didn't go as well as expected.

He told me we would go to his friend's house about an hour away and possibly spend the night there. He wanted to get to the house by 2 or 3pm. I asked him why we had to get there so early since it was a New Years Eve party, which I knew would go until midnight. He said that his friend's family always starts thing up early, and they like to chill with each other before the party. Plus he hadn't seen this friend in a long time, so he wanted to spend more time with him.

 

A little while after we departed, I realized that I had forgotten my stuff (makeup remover, cleaner, shower toiletries etc.), so I was hoping that we would just go home after the party. But upon arriving to the friend's house, my bf made it clear that we would sleep there that night. He would be too tired to drive us home, and he wanted to keep hanging with his friend the next day. (I couldn't go home myself because I don't have a car). Ok, fair enough, I didn't want to make my bf drive home if he was tired, and I also understood that it had been a long time since he had seen this friend.

 

After eating and watching a movie, we went to his friend's cousins' house. I took my bf aside for a little to explain that I was feeling kind of frustrated. I was already grumpy because we were supposed to sleep in in the morning, but his alarm kept going off early so I didn't get good sleep. I told him that I wish we could have gone to the party later in the day, especially since I found out we would have to hang out with his friend more the next day. I said that I also wish I could sleep at home since I didn't have all my stuff, but I would be okay with sleeping there if we went to a convenience store to buy some makeup remover.

My bf got all serious and said something like "I really didn't expect you to react this way. I just took you here to meet my friends and his family, who are like family to me, and to have fun... and you're telling me you're not enjoying your time here." I told him that his friend and his family were very nice, it had nothing to do with them. It was just that I don't like being at parties for such long periods of time. I do enjoy parties, but I just want to be there for a few hours and then get out. I also tried explaining that he was having a good time because he's more extroverted than I am. But he said he doesn't think the issue has anything to do with being extroverted or introverted. I felt like he was trying to say that I'm some kind of pain in the ass and that the reason I wasn't having fun was because I don't like his friends. I said that I messed up by forgetting my toiletries and apologized for that, but I didn't like that we had to be there for so long.

 

Eventually we both got tired, so we took a nap and we felt way better. We went to his other friend's house and had a good time at that other party. We slept at his friend's house (the one I met earlier in the day). The next morning, I REALLY wanted to go home, but he and his friend wanted to go to the gym for 2 hours. Even though I felt completely disgusting and unpresentable -- my hair was oily, I had no makeup to put on, I felt gross overall without being able to shower because I didn't have my stuff with me. I decided to go because it was better than waiting for 2 hours in the house. So I bit the bullet and went with them. I tried to forget about my appearance and feeling and just work out, but then I went into the bathroom and found out I had just gotten my period. My panties (my favorite pair at that) was completely soaked in blood... on top of how gross I already felt. I told my bf about it and he did express concern, and he said he was about to finish working out. I came out to meet him and he was talking on the phone. I started complaining that I wanted to go home.

 

We came back to his friend's house, ate some late lunch, and dropped his friend off at work. We finally left to go home but I was in a horrible mood, whereas my boyfriend was very content and satisfied. I kept bugging him about small irrelevant things, because I was clearly upset but he wasn't acknowledging it. He told me that he was irritated that I bugged him to go home at the gym, even though I only did so at the end.

 

When we got home we decided to have a discussion about it. He explained his side and feelings and then I explained my perspective and feelings. He said he should go to partied by himself from now on, but I thought there was a better compromise than that. We decided that he would help remind me to bring all my stuff, and we would be extra careful about it for parties where we think we might spend the night. And for parties where we won't spend the night, we would set a specific time when we would leave. (I hate the feeling of not knowing when we're going to leave, because my energy gets spent quickly at parties).

 

I am super glad that we talked it out and made a compromise... but my concern is that throughout this whole ordeal, my boyfriend couldn't understand at all how my intoversion was related to the problem. I felt like rather than trying to understand my feelings, he thought that there was something wrong with me and that I was being a pain in the ass.

Is there any way that I can explain this to my boyfriend to help him understand my side of the issue better? We have always been able to talk out any issue, but I am worried that if he doesn't understand my introversion, then it will cause problems later in the relationship.

[preraph]

Part of the problem here was him wanting to stay a long time and you not wanting to stay a long time but you have to realize that's what people do sometimes with relatives in people who feel like family to them. 

 

You were very disorganized or else you were being passive aggressive by purposely forgetting those things so you have an excuse to go home early and I'm pretty sure that's what he would have thought and probably the rest of the gang. Now really who doesn't know when their. Is about to start? Those things were all your responsibilities. 

 

Also at any point you had the option of just saying I don't want to do that or bringing a separate car so you can leave early, but instead you tried to manipulate it by making it seem like you had to go home early. 

It doesn't really matter if he understands your introversion or not. You could have just said no, you go on and go and I'll stay here or I'll come over for an hour or two and then leave. 

 

Instead you for the reason it got to be an issue the whole time when he was trying to enjoy himself. 

 

Sometimes we have to suck it up, but usually we can just say no. I don't like long gatherings myself and would never agree to one that didn't involve me having a private hotel room to escape to. 

[Miss Spider]

Some people just do not understand it and I don’t think you there’s any way to make them. In relationships you’re sort of expected to go through stuff like this - compromise, meet and spend time with their family and friends, step outside of your comfort zone, and possiby put yourself in uncomfortable situations if it matters to the partner. All you can do is hope it’s just once and a while and get through it if they’re worth it to you 

Edited January 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[stillafool]

Unless the friend lived outside with no running water  I would have still gotten up and taken a shower.  Sometimes guys appreciate having a girl who can tag along clean face or they will think you''re high maintenance.  If you felt icky I certainly wouldn't have went with them to work out I would have stayed behind let them have that time to themselves.

Edited January 4, 2020 by stillafool

[elaine567]

Sorry but you were a complete pain in the ass, the whole time. He was showing you off to friends and family and all you could do was grump and moan.
Keep this up and you will get dumped by this guy and the next one and the next one...

[Interstellar]

What’s your bf’s age? He should’ve explained to you beforehand that you will be spending the night there. He doesn’t sound like a details guy and maybe he’s also young, inexperience, and immature. Did you explain to him about your introversion and that you need to recharge after? I’m the same way. You should tell him if there’s any plans to spend the night again at peoples houses that he lets you know in advance so you can prepare, and ask him any other relevant details. such as: Is there gonna be running water? Are we going camping? Will there be food? the Location - this is very important, etc...then you can go to google maps and research the area if there’s any nearby convenience store, etc...just in case you forget something.
 

Heck, I will check how safe the area is as well because if you’re a woman you can’t be too careful.
 

See there, I just gave you a preemptive plan for next time. You gotta learn to be smart and think on your feet.

 

Edited January 4, 2020 by Interstellar

[schlumpy]

Ok, you got caught in a bad situation. Considering it's not a weekly event, you should have made the best of it. If you had been more positive, perhaps you would have found that you were enjoying it. In the future never go to a party without an escape route. Don't get trapped into things you don't want to do. It will just breed resentment. Accept that your new attitude will cause friction in your relationship but that's the price us introverts pay.

 

[b1a6]

23 minutes ago, preraph said:

Part of the problem here was him wanting to stay a long time and you not wanting to stay a long time but you have to realize that's what people do sometimes with relatives in people who feel like family to them. 

 

You were very disorganized or else you were being passive aggressive by purposely forgetting those things so you have an excuse to go home early and I'm pretty sure that's what he would have thought and probably the rest of the gang. Now really who doesn't know when their. Is about to start? Those things were all your responsibilities. 

 

Also at any point you had the option of just saying I don't want to do that or bringing a separate car so you can leave early, but instead you tried to manipulate it by making it seem like you had to go home early. 

It doesn't really matter if he understands your introversion or not. You could have just said no, you go on and go and I'll stay here or I'll come over for an hour or two and then leave. 

 

Instead you for the reason it got to be an issue the whole time when he was trying to enjoy himself. 

 

Sometimes we have to suck it up, but usually we can just say no. I don't like long gatherings myself and would never agree to one that didn't involve me having a private hotel room to escape to. 

Okay... you're making a lot of assumptions here. I did not purposely forget my things. I gathered all of my things into a compact bag before we left, but I forgot it because we were in a rush to get out there. I thought there was no need to rush, but my bf was rushing me. 

 

There was no way for me to bring a separate car. As I wrote in my post, I don't have a car so I did not have the option to leave. 

 

Lastly, my boyfriend did not make it clear that we would spend the night (he only said MAYBE) and he certainly did not bring up (until we got there) that we would be spending more time there the next day. 

[b1a6]

27 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Some people just do not understand it and I don’t think you there’s any way to make them. In relationships you’re sort of expected to go through stuff like this - compromise, meet and spend time with their family and friends, step outside of your comfort zone, and possiby put yourself in uncomfortable situations if it matters to the partner. All you can do is hope it’s just once and a while and get through it if they’re worth it to you 

Thanks for your response. We have compromised by setting a time to leave and making sure I have all my stuff when we spend the night, at least until I get a car. 

[Interstellar]

2 minutes ago, b1a6 said:

Lastly, my boyfriend did not make it clear that we would spend the night (he only said MAYBE) and he certainly did not bring up (until we got there) that we would be spending more time there the next day. 

Then you should’ve PRESSED the issue beforehand. “Maybe” is not good enough. And he will eventually, relent and say something like, “well, yes...we may spend the night there.” 

[preraph]

It was YOUR responsibility to 1) bring your things, 2) find out what the plan was and 3) either say yes or no.  Your forgetfulness and lack of communication, sounds like, caused problems here.  

[b1a6]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

It was YOUR responsibility to 1) bring your things, 2) find out what the plan was and 3) either say yes or no.  Your forgetfulness and lack of communication, sounds like, caused problems here.  

I did f*** up by forgetting my things, I know I am forgetful sometimes. I acknowledged it and apologized for it. I didn't want to ruin my boyfriend's time, I just thought we could compromise by either going later in the day, or leaving the next morning. And I just wanted him to understand that not everyone is the same, some people don't like being at parties for hours on end. But judging by the majority of the responses here I guess I should have just sucked it up.

It would have been nice to know that we would have been spending time there the next day though. I don't think it's fair for that part to have been sprung on me and I don't think I should have had to ask ahead of time "Are we going to be spending time the next day as well?" But now I know it's a possibility, so I will ask.

[elaine567]

Flexibility is a skill you need to develop.
You are too rigid in your thinking.
Relax and learn to take things as they come.
 

Quote

FLEXIBLE THINKING
Flexible Thinking is a very important social skill.  The ability to think flexibly helps people to get along with others, helps groups to be more effective, and helps people solve problems and or try new ways of doing things.

 

[FMW]

You've only been together 5 months so you're still experiencing new firsts with each other.  This was probably your first trip together to see his friends/family right?  So this was a learning experience.  You now know that he's probably not going to be very detailed about the plans so you have to prepare yourself ahead of time.  You'll either come up with a compromise (which it sounds like what you've done for future overnight trips) or you don't go together.  I know you don't have a car, but there might be other transportation options.  

You are well within your rights to feel grumpy about the situation, but as has been pointed out, it's an example of one of those things that couples have to learn to deal with.  

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

You are well within your rights to feel grumpy about the situation, but as has been pointed out, it's an example of one of those things that couples have to learn to deal with.  

OR you realise you are incompatible on a basic level,.
He is the party, stay all night, spontaneous kind of a guy and you need a more rigid schedule in order to feel comfortable...
You will be cramping his style with all your complaints and "rules"... 

[Gr8fuln2020]

Did you ask him to turn around as soon as you realized you forgot your things? You say "a little while after we departed...."

Honestly, I would be a little annoyed too if my SO decided, without any discussion, to want to stay longer. Sometimes so-called spontaneous people can be inconsiderate of other's time and space. I feel this is especially true when you are expected to stay at the home of people you do not know. HIS friends and family, correct?

Are you two compatible? Earlier posted this possibility. He is more spontaneous and you are clearly introverted and require some organization, planning. Nothing wrong with that. I would think that this is a lesson for both of you and it seems that your post-discussion may prevent future issues. Very reasonable conversation and clearly he made concessions that addressed the issues that precipitated the less than successful event. Good for you.

Edited January 5, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[preraph]

Now you know he will do some last-minute stuff so before you agree to do anything pin him down about the plan. Being together always takes compromise, but I agree that it's possible you're just not all that compatible because of lifestyle differences. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree you were very rigid and difficult. Your guy wanted to enjoy the holiday with friends and you were being a drag.

In the future, if you know you can't enjoy such an occasion, make your own arrangements to get to the party at a certain time and go home at a certain time. It's not his responsibility to cater to you like a child. 

I just spent my 2-week holiday with my new boyfriend on his turf, in his house out of state with his kids. While he was very accommodating of my preferences, there were plenty of times when his kids spent the night or we went out to lunch with them. During those times, I let him take the lead and set the tone. I went with the flow of what was happening. As a result, we all had a wonderful time and now he's talking more seriously about merging our lives and building a long-term future together.

[Noproblem]

I completely understand you, I wouldn't stand to socialize with people for so many hours. Especially if they are not my friends. And I wouldn't like to spend the night with them either, but I wouldn't want my bf to drive at night espcially when it's the new near eve and most people are drunk and crazy driving there.

Also, when we visit people, we can't do a lot of stuff we can comfortably do at our home, for example you couldn't shower, but hey you could've borrowed their shampoo because nobody is cheap enough to not lend a shampoo to guests!

But hey. Next time you forget your make up and stuff, you go to the drug store immediately and buy cheap ones. Easy fix!

I wouldn't bear to stay without make as well, and I always carry small make up bag with important make up stuff,  tooth brush and toothpaste and two or three period pads.

 

Also, nobody needs makeup remover to remove make up, you can use any kind of oil and then use soap to wash your face! You being very difficult to be honest... ( on the makeup remover and couldn't shower thing!) You can basically shower with water and simple soap) Sometimes I clean my hair with soap with my sculp is being very sensitive!)

 

 

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by Noproblem

[Noproblem]

5 hours ago, preraph said:

. Now really who doesn't know when their. Is about to start? Those things were all your responsibilities. 

 

 

People with irregular period do not know.

It's not that uncommon!

[basil67]

I get the frustration of being stuck with a heap of people who you don't know.  But to me, the high maintenance bit was you preferring to be dirty and cranky over using the soap and shampoo of the people in the house you stayed in.  And surely someone had something remotely resembling makeup remover.   Even a good rinse off with just water is better than nothing.   It's really not a big deal.  

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by basil67

[thecrucible]

Hey OP, 

I understand where you’re coming from as I’m introvert/HSP(?) too. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about this but could have tried harder to make the most of it. But I understand that it wasn’t spending time with his friends but lack of clarity over plans which unsettled you. You could explain your introversion to him in practical terms - that advance notice of what’s involved will put your mind at rest. You could also say that you want to give meeting his friends another try and explain that you understand how he feels etc. It might be interesting to share more with him about how your introversion impacts on various parts of your life. 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, Noproblem said:

People with irregular period do not know.

It's not that uncommon!

No its not. but women usually carry pads and stuff around with them in case it starts unexpectedly. That is all part and parcel of being a menstruating woman.
Even "regular" woman can get surprises every now and again.

[SummerDreams]

OP, being an introvert my whole life and discussing this issue with many extroverted and introverted people I have come to the following conclusion: An extroverted person CANNOT understand the needs and feelings of an introverted person. You see it also in this thread. The way I read your first post I see a very polite woman who wanted to cause the least trouble possible. Other people just saw you as a grumpy pain in the ass. I will tell you now, there is no way you can convince an extrovert that you lose energy by being with people (you don't even need to TALK with them, just being around them is enough) and that you then need to be alone to regain energy lost. Just quit trying, I'm telling you. If I were in your shoes, firstly and mostly I would never be with such an outgoing person who has no idea that other people don't have the same energy as him and he doesn't even care to understand it. But even if I was with him, the moment I had expressed my concerns and he dismissed them, I'd be in a taxi and out of there. If you don't respect yourself how do you expect others to respect you? So my opinion is that you should start dating people who are closer to your way of living and thinking. I'm an introvert to the most extreme, my H is an introvert as well but he occasionally likes to have social interactions, and we struggle about this very often. Don't try to fit an extrovert's life, you just can't. Simple as that.

[Veronica73]

I disagree. I’m an extreme introvert. And extroverts can understand and accommodate. Also, OP was kind of being a pain in the ass. If you’re an introvert, or really anybody, you need to be able to take care of yourself. And not blame other people when you didn’t take care of yourself.