primer Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 Would dating someone that has a juvenile delinquent daughter be a deal breaker for you? I have been talking with a guy and we get along pretty good. His oldest daughter (16) has been getting in trouble for underage drinking, smoking, truancy, etc. I was okay with that. Well . . . . . Now she is in jail for burglary! She was with some other kids over 18 and they broke into someone's house and stole guns and other items. She was the one that knew the homeowner was gone for a few days. When they got caught, there were drugs involved. Something tells me to keep my distance from this family. I wonder if I am being too harsh.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 Yup. I know we all have so-called 'baggage,' but there are acceptable and unacceptable. When in a brand new relationship, if you are entirely healthy, you should not have quickly invested too much into that relationship. Way too much to learn, discover before making a serious commitment. I have dated women with kids living on the streets due to drug use, kids who are irresponsibly unambitious and manipulative, and each time, I have ended the relationship very early. I am not without my own issues, but nothing as potentially tumultuous as that hovering over me. There's this nauseating saying..."Life is too short..." Ack, so obvious and so subjectively convenient, but true for most of us. Why would you embroil yourself in a romantic relationship with someone who is directly involved in such issues? You know that this will certainly affect your relationship with him, your present, and future. Nothing wrong with waiting to see how this works out, how he deals with this, and how this affects him short term, but for me, I would not get involved. There are people out there looking for a healthier relationship who have more to offer right now, with far less, drama. People always say something to the affect that they do not want drama...how funny so many of us voluntarily see it and embrace it. 3 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 Children are a product of their parents and the way they raised them. I wouldn't get involved with a man with such a troubled child. You're not being harsh. You're being smart. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 15 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Children are a product of their parents and the way they raised them. I wouldn't get involved with a man with such a troubled child. You're not being harsh. You're being smart. Not always true. I have friends whose children have major struggles right now (addiction, suicidal thoughts, sexual identity issues) and they are all amazing parents. With that said, s***ty parents get s***ty kids more often than good parents get s***ty kids. Tread carefully. 4
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 16 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Not always true. I have friends whose children have major struggles right now (addiction, suicidal thoughts, sexual identity issues) and they are all amazing parents. With that said, s***ty parents get s***ty kids more often than good parents get s***ty kids. Tread carefully. Didn't want to come right out to say this, but too true, too often. This is not to say that it is the fault of the person of interest, but it could be that an ex, who is still in the picture, is also adding to the drama and dysfunction. I have seen way too many people dating fitting that scenario.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 ^ Yes, or they're spoiling the kids, thinking they're doing a good thing but really making life too easy so the kids rebel and stir up drama to give themselves more challenge. 1
Author primer Posted January 4, 2020 Author Posted January 4, 2020 I guess I wouldn't want the kid knowing where I lived. I would also be afraid to leave my purse or personal belongings around her dad's house.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 17 minutes ago, primer said: I guess I wouldn't want the kid knowing where I lived. I would also be afraid to leave my purse or personal belongings around her dad's house. These are a couple of other things to seriously consider...their problems, inevitably, become yours. No way. 1
Daisydooks Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 (edited) Why would you stay in a situation like this? I would personally end it. Even if he is amazing, and you see yourself spending forever with him. My mom did and she loved my dad to pieces until the day he died. They were bonded and close. My brother wasnt an issue until he was. He hit high school and s*** hit the fan. He rebelled. I'll explain below. Given his situation, he had every right to be VERY angry inside and it came out in very negative ways. Unfortunately, my mother had already been involved with my dad, married him and had me when my brother started acting out. I wouldnt want to deal with this as a parent, so I'd have even less desire to sign up for this as a step mother. Especially if you dont even know her yet. I have never dated anyone with kids. Kids are a deal breaker for me. Even the good and cute ones are a deal breaker/hard pass. I want kids so it has nothing to do with hating children. I adore them. My own. I don't want to raise someone elses, or deal with someone elses, or associate myself with someone elses. I saw my mother do it and although my brother turned out to be a beautiful human being, he did have issues when he mother dropped him off at our door full time at 13/I was 4. She didnt think she was signing up to be a full time step parent when she met my dad. What she got was a step son with many, many, many issues where work and therapy and a lot of trust needed to be worked on. At 18, his friends robbed OUR home. We were gone, so there was no one injured, but HIS OWN house was ransacked and he was the one who set it up. I still dont know how my mother ever forgave him for it. I was 9. Had we been home, god only knows what would have happened. He didnt participate in the robbery of our home, but set it all up, let his "friends" know no one would be home and facilitated the entire thing and made it look like a break & enter. He had so many issues because he came from a broken home, with a messed up mom who made my dad out to be the devil and in my brothers early years he was not hands on. She moved him all over the place until she met her 3rd husband and wanted to move to Arizona from Canada. My dad said no. She dropped my brother off at our doorstep and off she went to Arizona with hubby #3. I have avoided dating men with kids because I simply have never seen step parenting go well. My mother did an amazing job and we are a family, even though my dad is gone. We do Christmas, birthdays, speak often, and are involved in each others lives. We were raised as full siblings and I dont consider him a half brother. I always remember him living with me because I was so young when he moved in. My mother shielded me from so much and live in hell for many years. I wouldnt sign up for that life if someone paid me to. Edited January 5, 2020 by Daisydooks Additions and edits
basil67 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 11 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Children are a product of their parents and the way they raised them. I wouldn't get involved with a man with such a troubled child. You're not being harsh. You're being smart. Was discussing this with a friend who was a teacher in juvenile detention. She said that some kids come from messed up backgrounds and some come from perfectly normal parents who used good parenting. I've seen good parents who produce one child who has it all together and one really troubled child. And I've seen bad parents who have done the same. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 16 hours ago, primer said: I have been talking with a guy and we get along pretty good. What's the end goal? If it's to build into a serious relationship, then she'll be an even bigger factor to be dealt with. And he'll always have the distraction of her troubles. It's a bit like dating someone moving overseas in six months. That fact puts a ceiling on your future as a couple... Mr. Lucky
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 dealbreaker......Something like that is a big part of their life, and I personally wouldn't want to hear about it or see it, so what's the point? You don't want that kind of thing seep into your life, because over time it will.
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 But where were parenting skills? Don’t think you’re being harsh at all.
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