I don't want a serious relationship

[Interstellar]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yet you managed to call the other girls trashy anyway.   I can't help but believe your critical attitude towards others is part of your problem.

Reminds me of a woman who wrote this love columnist and she criticized those blonde bimbos and the columnist put her in place by saying, “What’s wrong with them? just like you, they want to be loved too. Taking a kinder, gentler attitude towards other human beings will serve you better in the long run.” 

Edited January 6, 2020 by Interstellar

[gaius]

Taking a kinder, gentler attitude toward other human beings will not serve you well in the long run. Plus mortens problems have nothing to do with that. "I dumped her because she called some other woman trashy" said no guy ever.

Attraction and desire always involve a subconcious dance of sorts. A constant flow of action and reaction that we aren't fully aware or in control of. And for whatever reason it doesn't seem like Morten knows how to dance. Her actions and reactions don't brew long term desire in men.

She could sit down either by herself or with a therapist and try and figure out why that is, analyze the dynamics and make as many improvements as she can, but until she does it will probably just be more guys who enjoy her company because they know they can have her (ego boost) but don't really want her. Until they find someone who can dance.

[basil67]

gaius, I used to have a habit of saying rude things about other people and my partner promptly pulled me up on my behaviour.   Had I kept it up, I expect he would have gotten very tired of my attitude and walked.   Calling someone trashy is a symptom of a bigger issue of negativity and cynicism.  

[fishlips]

You seem nice enough on this forum, but of course, none of us know you. I would ask a good friend (preferably male) to give you some brutal, honest feedback about yourself. It may hurt, but it will probably tell you a lot. Be open and accept what they say. 

I doubt your problem is physical, because as others have said, people of all shapes and sizes have partners. It's probably something you are doing or not doing, whether you realize it or not. 

While I doubt you called anyone trashy in person, you might have been condescending in other ways. The only people who would know are people who know you well.

[NuevoYorko]

As someone already said, stop comparing yourself to others.  I've certainly criticized your judgmental attitude in the past.  It is not a good quality but, sure, that's not "why."  The short answer is that they connected in a way with someone that they did not with you.  Maybe they felt great around the "trashy" woman.  

You might take some comfort in knowing that probably 90 plus percent of the people you see partnering up have also experienced being passed by in favor of someone else.  It's part of life.  That said, since you see a pattern of this in yourself, you probably can do a couple of things about it.   They would start with some kind of self assessment and identification of things you might be doing to sabotage yourself, which would include choosing unlikely candidates and / or turning a blind eye to clear cues that something is not going where you'd like it to go.  

I definitely notice a different attitude from you, at least here; you seem more open and willing to be vulnerable without jumping immediately to bitterness.  You also recently started engaging with people who respond to your posts; in the past you started many threads and just moved on when people got involved.  I think this is good.  

 

 

[bobby_digital]

Just to chime in, as others mentioned...looks are probably not the issue if one is getting asked out. Unless there is a hidden physical issue being discovered later.

From my experience women get dumped for one or more of the following in order of likelihood:

1. Hygiene issues: body odour, bad breath or foul vagina smell
2. Boring personality and expecting to be entertained or basically dumb in that they don't have much intellectual engagement
3. Kinda disrespectful and not making partner feel good when being around them. Making man feel less of a man somehow
4. Misrepresentation of certain things about themselves and more specifically their past

Now if sex has happened multiple times then 1 can be eliminated otherwise guys would bail after first/few encounter.

If woman contributes meaningfully during texting/chats and face-to-face discussion on various topics then 2 can be eliminated.

For 3, men generally like to be appreciated for the little or big things they do...just little acts/behaviour to show they are not being taken for granted. Also allow them space to fulfil certain roles that traditionally are expected of them.

 

Only OP can do an honest self-assessment to see if any of these may be the case and affecting prospects for long-term relations

[Gaeta]

On average those relationships last how long?

They past you because you were not it, that's all. Why you were not it has nothing to do with you and all to do with what they're searching for. Took me almost 4 years online to end up in a long term relationship. Many men past me, I past many of them. I was dumped for being too cerebral, too confident, too successful, and a bunch of reasons that should have been viewed as qualities but were viewed by these men as flaws, not because of me but because of THEM and their insecurities. 

So, you hang in there and keep on searching and you'll find. Don't waste time on dead-beat-divorced-dad. If you stop giving your precious time to the wrong men you won't feel like you're wasting your life on these men. Drop and discard fast when you don't feel like you're dancing together to the same beat. 

Edited January 6, 2020 by Gaeta

[mortensorchid]

To answer some questions / comments made on this (and other past) threads, something that has affected me was something that a guy friend said to me a long time ago.  I have had people rip me to shreds over things in the past (back into my teens and into young adulthood).  A guy friend said to me a long time ago that I sent out signals to guys around me at all times.  Ever since he said that, along with some other things, I adopted a rather cold and aloof demeanor with others.  You can't read my emotions on my face or my body language.  Think Daniel Craig as James Bond, he became the model for me.  It's a shield that I have put up against others, I don't share much about myself with others, especially coworkers who are the most horrible of offenders.  So I apply this to all around me for the most part.  Some people I have heard in gossip circles have said I am cold and unfeeling, others who know me say that I am not like this.  But I suppose this is going to follow me around.

So what to do? 

[Ambereyes]

7 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

 

So what to do? 

Stop being cold and aloof

[schlumpy]

I certainly understand your need to protect yourself emotionally but I don't think closing yourself off when your wishes are to find a satisfying relationship will work. It would be better to just develop a thicker skin and not take what people think, say or do to you to heart. That doesn't mean you should suffer ill treatment in silence. You should always know when to walk away. 

[Gaeta]

I also agree you shouldn't pay attention too much to what people say. First, people that know you as a colleague, as a sister, as a neighbor have no idea how you are in your romantic relationship. I realized that when my brother set me up on a blind date with a friend. My brother and his wife only had good things to say about that guy, he was a top guy! always available, helpful, polite, etc etc. I met him and sure he was all that but as a boyfriend he had nothing to offer: single guy living in a shed, hating his job, eating frozen pizza 7 days a week. 

You keep going till you find the one. 

[gaius]

On 1/6/2020 at 12:45 AM, basil67 said:

gaius, I used to have a habit of saying rude things about other people and my partner promptly pulled me up on my behaviour.   Had I kept it up, I expect he would have gotten very tired of my attitude and walked.   Calling someone trashy is a symptom of a bigger issue of negativity and cynicism.  

I think you're assuming that because morten is disdainful of women who have what she wants on here that she's somehow always negative and bitter in conversation in person. Which I don't really get the impression of. Most women I've seen are judgemental of at least one other women for a variety of reasons. It's fairly normal and not relationship killing.

I would guess (it's a guess because I haven't seen her really get in depth about the specifics in her interactions with these guys) that she's a mix of not opening up and coming off as sort of desperate. Not knowing how to pull back when it's appropriate or create balance in the relationship. Having the urge to still give gifts to a guy who isn't even giving you the respect of sleeping with you or calling you his girlfriend suggests that.

It's funny, because it seems this latest guy is coming over and pouring his heart out about his divorce, and his hurt about getting cheated on, and it's made her feel a great sense of connection with this guy, to the point she calls him her boyfriend. But I don't think he even knows that she thinks they're boyfriend/girlfriend in her mind, or that she has this much confusion and angst about whats going on and their status. He's pouring out his heart and emotions to her and she's falling for him, but she's not really returning the intimacy and he's not feeling the same.

All in all just a guess based on limited information, but telling her to suppress the one real emotion I've seen her display on here I don't think will open up the doors for relationship success.