Author Blondegirl89 Posted February 27, 2020 Author Posted February 27, 2020 11 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said: Trying to weasel his way back in? I think so. I haven’t heard from him in a while then he shows up and is very complimentary and sweet. I don’t know what to think. he texted me after to say it was great to see me and to let him know about my mother’s test results which I think is a genuine concern as he got on great with my family. It’s just a little odd. I’m not going to worry about it at all. It was nice to see him, but I am dating again and have moved on and matured enough to value what we had but Realise it just didn’t work out. I think by me leaving him be his interest levels have risen and he’s curious as to what I’m up to.
Author Blondegirl89 Posted February 27, 2020 Author Posted February 27, 2020 11 hours ago, snowboy91 said: He could be wanting to get back with you, or he misses your companionship and wants to be friends. It's weird, but I can't see anything malicious about it. Up to you to decide what you do about that. Do you just not want to see him again, are you happy being friends or do you want to get back together? no sure if he does want to get back together or not. The fact he’s in a relationship or I think he is makes me think it’s just the friendship he misses. don’t get me wrong when we hang out it’s like we continued where we left off never any awkwardness and we are both extremely comfortable around each other. So I’m guessing he misses that connection. I realise now that even though we did start romantically we built and amazing friendship we really became best of friends but let petty relationship stuff come in the way. Which resulted in the breakup. Its odd to have such an amazing connection but not to be together. I’m glad we broke up. It done me the world of good and I would do it all over again. I don’t and do want to be his friend at the same time. To have a solid connection like we have is something so rare, I really mean that. We have something but for me I don’t want to be hurt. Whether it’s as a friend and watching him date or as a partner and having the fear or loosing him. It’s hard for me because everytime I look at home I just wanna hug him and tell him everything is gonna be ok. I feel like I have to protect him. Like a parent does a child. I know that sounds odd and crazy but if it shows anything it shows that my love for him was genuine and true so I’m proud of that. As much as I do think we have that connection I don’t text him, ask to meet up I leave him be to go on with his life as am I. But now I feel like he can sense he’s loosing me and has gotten scared and is trying to keep me on the hook.
kendahke Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 On 1/15/2020 at 2:23 PM, Blondegirl89 said: He watches all my story’s on instagram, normally in the evening that's getting ready to change once his girlfriend figures out what he's doing and who he's watching. We see this scenario on this board every week.
spiderowl Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 He should respect your decision not to stay in touch. Turning up unannounced is disrespectful and controlling. Giving him plenty of no contact time is a good way to get him to miss you. It is best if you can enforce your boundaries though. 1
preraph Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) My impression is he sounds like a nice enough guy, like you said, not malicious. I guess he misses you, but did he ever let you know why he ruled you out as someone to have his future with? He obviously likes the things you do for him (and he reciprocates, very nice). Was it physical, do you think? Or arguments? I think all you can do is reiterate that you can't hang around being just friends with him because that would be too painful and probably not allow either of you to keep a partner. And just remind him you thought you had made that clear and so has something changed? Put him on the spot. Say, I thought you understood I couldn't just keep being only friends, but here you are, so has the earth shifted on its axis or what? I think he sounds like he would be straightforward. Don't just ignore it. I mean, he sounds like a giver and you are a giver. You'd think that would be a great combination, but my only other random thought, and this in light of him repeatedly opening the door to you leaning on him and keeping him updated about your mom or letting him know if you need him some way, makes me think -- maybe you need to need him for something. Maybe you need to have a flat tire or have him come look at a small leaky faucet and see if it needs a plumber, maybe you ought to ask him for a ride somewhere, like for instance if your mom was in the hospital, ask for a ride because you may be too upset to drive. And here's why. I have an ex-bf who I then worked with and went through his next two marriages. On Number 2, when it imploded, I I asked him why he married her anyway (everyone but him could tell she was nuts -- histrionic), and I mean I was open about it with him because by then we were kind of friends and I said, I just really don't get why you'd marry her over someone like me. And one of the things he said was, "You didn't NEED me." He needed to feel needed, and I now know he needed to be needed so that he could then feel, you know, heroic and appreciated. She, being histrionic, was totally needy and he was later manipulated by someone who figured that out about him. Anyway, he's the second of my loves who needed to be needed in one manner or another. The other needed to actually rescue a damsel. That's all that would get him settled down for any time at all. Anyway, think about it. It seems odd, I know, but I believe since he sounds pretty nice and your communication isn't crap, that I would just throw the dice and come up with something you need him to help you with and then make him feel really good about that and be appreciative and see if 1) he really does help you; and 2) if he helps you, if it doesn't warm him back up, maybe. Worth a shot! Edited February 27, 2020 by preraph
Author Blondegirl89 Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 14 hours ago, preraph said: My impression is he sounds like a nice enough guy, like you said, not malicious. I guess he misses you, but did he ever let you know why he ruled you out as someone to have his future with? He obviously likes the things you do for him (and he reciprocates, very nice). Was it physical, do you think? Or arguments? I think all you can do is reiterate that you can't hang around being just friends with him because that would be too painful and probably not allow either of you to keep a partner. And just remind him you thought you had made that clear and so has something changed? Put him on the spot. Say, I thought you understood I couldn't just keep being only friends, but here you are, so has the earth shifted on its axis or what? I think he sounds like he would be straightforward. Don't just ignore it. I mean, he sounds like a giver and you are a giver. You'd think that would be a great combination, but my only other random thought, and this in light of him repeatedly opening the door to you leaning on him and keeping him updated about your mom or letting him know if you need him some way, makes me think -- maybe you need to need him for something. Maybe you need to have a flat tire or have him come look at a small leaky faucet and see if it needs a plumber, maybe you ought to ask him for a ride somewhere, like for instance if your mom was in the hospital, ask for a ride because you may be too upset to drive. And here's why. I have an ex-bf who I then worked with and went through his next two marriages. On Number 2, when it imploded, I I asked him why he married her anyway (everyone but him could tell she was nuts -- histrionic), and I mean I was open about it with him because by then we were kind of friends and I said, I just really don't get why you'd marry her over someone like me. And one of the things he said was, "You didn't NEED me." He needed to feel needed, and I now know he needed to be needed so that he could then feel, you know, heroic and appreciated. She, being histrionic, was totally needy and he was later manipulated by someone who figured that out about him. Anyway, he's the second of my loves who needed to be needed in one manner or another. The other needed to actually rescue a damsel. That's all that would get him settled down for any time at all. Anyway, think about it. It seems odd, I know, but I believe since he sounds pretty nice and your communication isn't crap, that I would just throw the dice and come up with something you need him to help you with and then make him feel really good about that and be appreciative and see if 1) he really does help you; and 2) if he helps you, if it doesn't warm him back up, maybe. Worth a shot! I agree I genuinely don’t think there is any malice there. as far as the break up, it was my insecurities and his ability to open up that caused the rift that led up to split but we both grown since so at least something positive came from it. It forced me to take a long hard look at myself so I see the positives in it. as far as making him feel like I need him, I think you are on to something. He was going through a rough patch for a time in our relationship and he needed me a a lot. I do think maybe that might have something to do with it. Maybe he wants to be the one who was needed. I just don’t know how to go about it? I’m very independent and hate asking for help if I can do it myself. I mentioned I was considering moving jobs and he offered me one on his team, I said no thanks but maybe I should ask for help with that. Maybe I should need him to help me with my interview practice what do you think? 1
preraph Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) Absolutely, ask him to help you move! Every guy who has ever cared anything about me helped me move, whether they were an ex or not. Realize that "protecting" and "providing" are how historically men have shown they really care. These things kick in when they really care about someone or want the person to care about them. He wants to do some providing for you. Let him do it. What have you got to lose? I want to tell you one more story about my ex that needed me to need him that just blew my mind. Again, we dated for awhile and he ended up, after a tiff, sleeping with my friend/roommate, so that was that. But then we were in the same small industry and ended up in the same office for some years. During this time he was dating a lot. Anyway, I had to move apartments and was just kind of thinking out loud to him about my fears and location and all, having an old car at the time. And he said, just like he was my husband or something, "Well, I can drive you," and he was talking on a going forward basis. And he didn't live near where I was moving. He'd have been going out of his way. I emotionally couldn't handle the situation already, so didn't take him up on it, but I realized how far he'd go to help me, even though we weren't even dating anymore. It's a nice trait, but I grew up pretty independent, and like you, would have felt funny, but now if I had to do it again, I might have gone back in time to when we were dating and leaned on him more. Lord knows I needed the help. Just don't forget to liberally praise him for helping you, because that's the just reward. Now, it is possible he is trying to assuage a little guilt here, but you know, that's okay too. My ex certainly was after what he did. It's okay. It strengthens the bond. It's a crap shoot it will turn into more, but it's really not a big risk. Now, I wouldn't involve him too much in your work, because working with exes is a mixed bag. Incidentally, I just want to add, if you've been on here long, you'll know that 99 percent of the time someone on here is complaining about an ex making them miserable or whatever (which is what this board is for), I'm usually for letting them go and just moving on. It's only because the picture you painted of him sounds like he is such a nice guy and nothing glaringly wrong with him that I am suggesting maybe you make one more run at him. But at any point if it seems like he is resolved to be "just friends," and if it will keep you from moving on to stay friends, then don't do it. He just sounds like he might be worth some further effort. Edited February 28, 2020 by preraph 1
Author Blondegirl89 Posted March 2, 2020 Author Posted March 2, 2020 On 2/28/2020 at 4:39 PM, preraph said: Absolutely, ask him to help you move! Every guy who has ever cared anything about me helped me move, whether they were an ex or not. Realize that "protecting" and "providing" are how historically men have shown they really care. These things kick in when they really care about someone or want the person to care about them. He wants to do some providing for you. Let him do it. What have you got to lose? I want to tell you one more story about my ex that needed me to need him that just blew my mind. Again, we dated for awhile and he ended up, after a tiff, sleeping with my friend/roommate, so that was that. But then we were in the same small industry and ended up in the same office for some years. During this time he was dating a lot. Anyway, I had to move apartments and was just kind of thinking out loud to him about my fears and location and all, having an old car at the time. And he said, just like he was my husband or something, "Well, I can drive you," and he was talking on a going forward basis. And he didn't live near where I was moving. He'd have been going out of his way. I emotionally couldn't handle the situation already, so didn't take him up on it, but I realized how far he'd go to help me, even though we weren't even dating anymore. It's a nice trait, but I grew up pretty independent, and like you, would have felt funny, but now if I had to do it again, I might have gone back in time to when we were dating and leaned on him more. Lord knows I needed the help. Just don't forget to liberally praise him for helping you, because that's the just reward. Now, it is possible he is trying to assuage a little guilt here, but you know, that's okay too. My ex certainly was after what he did. It's okay. It strengthens the bond. It's a crap shoot it will turn into more, but it's really not a big risk. Now, I wouldn't involve him too much in your work, because working with exes is a mixed bag. Incidentally, I just want to add, if you've been on here long, you'll know that 99 percent of the time someone on here is complaining about an ex making them miserable or whatever (which is what this board is for), I'm usually for letting them go and just moving on. It's only because the picture you painted of him sounds like he is such a nice guy and nothing glaringly wrong with him that I am suggesting maybe you make one more run at him. But at any point if it seems like he is resolved to be "just friends," and if it will keep you from moving on to stay friends, then don't do it. He just sounds like he might be worth some further effort. I’m a little afraid actually. I don’t know if I should do anything. He was the one who insisted on being friends and showing up and surprising me at work etc. I do still care but I’m also not willing to go through it all again. would you suggest to continue down the friend route and ask for help? I Was gonna ask him for help and then invite him to mine for a dinner. Just dinner And cook his favorite meal to say thank you. But if he still has a girlfriend well then I don’t want to make him uncomfortable and I wouldn’t actually offer to cook for him but I don’t know if he still does or not. So I’m not sure to do. i don’t want to cause a rift if he is in a relationship but I also don’t want to ask. By asking it shows I’m interested and I don’t think he should see that I am interested if he is or not.
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