I've reached tipping point with my ex

[Blondegirl89]

So as stated in my previous post, I recently done up my exes home for him while he was away. We are on pretty good terms, while he was away he was sending me stupid texts like random photos or videos of his nights out. I think that was more to keep the communication open. 

 

Anyway he returned yesterday and called me, to say he loved what I done with his place And that he wanted to cook me dinner. He makes this one dish he knows I love so he offered to cook it for me. He then realized next week is New Years and asked if I had plans as if I didn’t he would like to cook me dinner that night. He said he would call me today to chat. 

 

The thing is, I feel like he’s really trying to rebuild the relationship even though he was the one who always said we are friends. 

 

Now i made a joke when I done his place up for him I said now the ladies will be super impressed when you bring them back. And he said he had no intention of bringing anyone back.

 

my friends are all convinced he is trying to get us back together as New Years Eve is a day you only want to spend with those you are really close with. He also got me a personalized Christmas present that he had his friend make for me. I haven’t seen that yet but he told me he got it for me. Does this sound like he is trying to start something again? 

[smackie9]

I guess you won't know til NYE now won't you.....

[schlumpy]

9 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said:

my friends are all convinced he is trying to get us back together as New Years Eve is a day you only want to spend with those you are really close with. He also got me a personalized Christmas present that he had his friend make for me. I haven’t seen that yet but he told me he got it for me. Does this sound like he is trying to start something again? 

 

Many strangers kiss at New Years Eve but I do agree with your observant friends that he would like more.

 

How do you feel about that? Did he dump you for someone else or did you dump him?

[Blondegirl89]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

 

Many strangers kiss at New Years Eve but I do agree with your observant friends that he would like more.

 

How do you feel about that? Did he dump you for someone else or did you dump him?

 

Well I don’t know how to feel lol he dumped me to be honest we let petty things come between us at the time but that was over a year ago and I’ve definitely grown and I think he has.. but I feel it odd he wants to spend New Years with me 

[alphamale]

he has zero interest in getting back together and Is just using you

[mark clemson]

I'd lean towards he wants to get back together. Sounds like you may find out soon whether or not that's accurate...

[Versacehottie]

I'd guess he wants to get back together.  I also think it's possible that he wants to make sure you don't have or make plans with any other guys.  What do you want?

[Blondegirl89]

As per my previous post, my ex wanted to spend New Year’s Eve together. He wanted to cook me a meal as a thank you for helping him out. I decided against it for the risk of him canceling last minute and leaving me on New Years with nothing to do.

He said he really wanted to meet me for a coffee and a talk and still wanted to cook me a meal during the week. Well low and behold a few days passed and I didn’t hear from him. 

I sent him this exact message 

“ Seeing as it’s looking like we aren’t meeting up. Disappointing but sure look... I’ll post your keys out to you”

he replied and was like we agreed the weekend. We didn’t I have texts saying during the week.  I said 

‘No, we had discussed meeting during the week as we where both off. But not to worry.”

i tried to keep the short and sweet and he replied with this 

“Anyway... I don't get the reason for all this anger. When you are feeling better I am more than happy to meet you like I suggested before. You can also write and ask about it before coming with that energy“ 

I kept my reply short and sweet 

“no I’m not angry, I’ve no reason to be angry. I’m sure our paths will cross in 2020” 

I really didn’t want to do that but I just was like, I was fine once without him I’ll be fine again. He then went from being petty to sending me this message 

“I am still very grateful for what you did and I wanna say that in person and show my gratitude with a nice dinner. And as I said before - many times - I would be very happy if we could continue being friends. I really don't see the reason for you being disappointed... anyway, I had a long week and I'm glad its over”

he has sent me messages like that before saying he would be very sad if I wasn’t in his life anymore. 

Now I will be 100% truthful here I would’ve liked to have given it another go. I genuinely thought that if we could build from friendship maybe it could work but I don’t anymore. The thing is, we get on amazingly when together people always assume we are a couple. 

My motive for being his friend was to be a friend but with the hope of maybe it growing into something more or maybe not.

for him it seems he just wants to be friends.

Guys what makes a girl that special even after everything you want to keep them in your life?

He never told me why he wanted to be friends if he said something like “listen I think you’re so funny I don’t want to lose that” I’d understand but All I get are I don’t want to loose your or id be sad if we weren’t friends. 

any advice would be appreciated. 

[spiderowl]

You have done up his house and he wants to thank you. This is what one might do for a friend, go to some trouble to make a special meal. I think if you are hoping for more than friendship though you would be disappointed. Doing up your ex’s house is going above and beyond. Why did you do that? He is going to think you will do anything for him.

I honestly do not think this guy will truly value you unless you become unavailable to him. You are like mother in the kitchen, a known quantity, a fall-back and security while he goes out to play romance with other girls.

Edited January 4, 2020 by spiderowl

[Piddy]

If you still have feelings for him then you can never be friends.  It'll eat you up.  If he want's to just be friends and you want more then I'd move on.  You can only be friends if you get to the feeling where you are indifferent to him.

Only then can you be friends.  Sounds like you want more and he doesn't.  You have to be honest with yourself.  

Edited January 4, 2020 by Piddy

[Blondegirl89]

I agree,  I also agree that I was to available for him. I Appreciate the gesture though. 

[Mr. Lucky]

18 hours ago, Blondegirl89 said:

Guys what makes a girl that special even after everything you want to keep them in your life?

For many guys, it's the thought they might be lonely or without sexual companionship.  You're convenient and a known quantity, hence the desire to keep you near...

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

You sound like a great friend and that is why he wants to keep you around.  However your heart wants more than friendship with him so therefore you can't be one of his gal pals.  I've dated guys that I would love to have had as a platonic friend but the romantic feelings were gone.  He was sincerely trying to pay you back with a home cooked meal because you helped him.  Nothing more.

[Mrin]

21 hours ago, Blondegirl89 said:

As per my previous post, my ex wanted to spend New Year’s Eve together. He wanted to cook me a meal as a thank you for helping him out. I decided against it for the risk of him canceling last minute and leaving me on New Years with nothing to do.

He said he really wanted to meet me for a coffee and a talk and still wanted to cook me a meal during the week. Well low and behold a few days passed and I didn’t hear from him. 

My thoughts:

1. He _was_ wanting to get back together or at least explore it. 

2. He was really looking forward to rekindling things on NYE

3. You rejected him by turning him down. I still have no idea why you would do that if you wanted him back. 

4. It stung. He sulked for a few days and didn't contact you.

5. And then you went all unhinged and sent the crappy little "I'll send you your keys" preemptive passive aggressive text and crap went downhill from there.

6. I can guarantee you the thought "whoa, dodged a bullet there!" has crossed his mind a few times.

Self sabotage all over the place.

 

Sorry,

Mrin

Edited January 4, 2020 by Mrin

[Highndry]

You just sabotaged the very thing you wanted. You are not ready for a relationship until you fix that part of you.

[HappySenior]

Beware the guy who reads anger into things you say that are not angry words. I just divorced one of those. He would also read insults into other things I said that weren't meant to be insulting. I'd casually make a remark "I wish you hadn't done that." (mildly disappointed) and he would say I was angry.  You want to be with someone who will read you accurately and/or will not use the charge of your being angry as manipulations. 

"I don't get the reason for all this anger. When you are feeling better..." that this guy said.  That is gaslighting - telling YOU what you feel when you have not said you were anger or that it was "all this".  That sentence is designed to put you on the defensive and make you feel guilty.

You don't want a guy like that.

[Blondegirl89]

Well for everyone wondering we met yesterday evening for dinner. He cooked my two favorite dishes. It was a very nice and pleasant evening. Lots of smiles and laughter. He told me himself he really enjoyed it. 

We got to chatting about the break up and I apologized for everything I done wrong in it. I asked him why he really wanted to be friends. He started to stumble on his words and said when you love/care for someone  the way I did for you, you don’t want that person to leave your life. He never told me he loved me when we where together but yesterday he said he really did care for me he stumbled but he definitely emplied he did love me and he still cares a great deal for me and wants me in his life.

strangely enough it was like I had gotten the best closure. I was finally able to apologize for my mistakes in the relationship and I felt like a weight had been lifted.

We had always said we would get married and buy a cottage in the mountain, so when his birthday came around I spent days tracking down a sculpture of a cottage and gave it to him with the inscription “A reminder of what we are building towards” I seen it on his coffee table and asked him why he kept it. He said it meant something to him and he would never get rid of it and it was a reminder of good times.  I actually thought that was very sweet. 

I left with good feelings for him but I have finally realized he doesn’t want to get back together.

I do still find him attractive, I don’t think he does although he did say he thinks I’m super beautiful. So I really don’t know if there is attraction there or not. 

He also said he knows I would be a dream wife for anyone and for a while I was the dream wife for him. 

I know he doesn’t want anything more, he told me himself he doesn’t want another serious relationship. 

So ive decided that I can be his friend, now that I got closure but I won’t reach out to him anymore and  I’ll let him be the one to reach out. 

 

 

[Commongoal123]

I really think you need to just cut ties with him and move on.  There are so many red flags here.

Let go and move on without him in your life.  So many games here.  You will both be better off without each other.

[Blondegirl89]

Well another update! 

After the dinner etc and some texting back and forward he informed me he was seeing someone. 

I wont lie, it’s all well and good being an ex’s friend till one of you start dating again. I simply said to him I can’t be his friend and that as much as I would love to have him in my life seeing him with someone, getting engaged, married etc would just hurt me too much. 

He kept saying he didn’t want to loose me as a friend and that him being in a relationship shouldn’t be a reason I disappear. 

I put my cards on the table and said I would’ve liked if we could’ve worked things out but that I respected his decision and that because he’s dating someone new I’m going to leave him be and unless he wanted to talk about us there really wasn’t much to say. 

I told him I wasn’t going to block or remove him from all my social media’s because that’s just petty and childish although I really want to now. 

He watches all my story’s on instagram, normally in the evening however now since I told him it was goodbye for good he watches them as soon as I post anything. - I know that doesn’t mean anything btw. 

He texted me saying I could always count on him no matter what and that he is so thankful for all the love and support over the last while, he also mentioned some projects I’m working on and was like “I look forward to hearing about them when your ready to talk” and “take all the time you need but know you’ve got a really good friend waiting for you”

I bumped into him the other day, I was very cold towards him. I actually felt back but I feel like he needs to know I’m not playing around anymore. That I’m done. 

i really don’t think he realizes I’m done for good now. While I was upset I’m glad I’ve said goodbye for good. 

I just want to be happy and to be honest I am happy when I don’t think about him which is less and less by the day. I know it’s a very big rant but I just needed to get it off my chest.

As for social media should I block him? Some days I’m fine other’s I just want to rid my life of him. I do have other ex’s on social media and couldn’t care less if they are on it or not but with him he triggers reactions in me and I’m 100% sure he knows that.

Any advice? 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Remove him from your social media, and remove him from your life. It has nothing to do with being childish, and everything to do with finally moving on. You will regret not doing so as soon as these two start posting things on each other's profiles, anyway. Would you really want to see photos of their latest holiday together? Pics of him enjoying a cozy Sunday breakfast with her? Frolicking in the park with the wind in their hair and googly-eyed at each other?

It sounds very much like he wanted to keep you warm until he knew if things were going somewhere with this other woman. When he realized they were, he couldn't not tell you he was dating someone. Remember that while he was sweet-talking you, he was also surely already seeing her too. That was his prerogative as a single guy, of course, but you and he were clearly not really on the same page. 

There is no reason to keep this "friendship" going anymore, no reason to make him feel like the bigger person by being friends with an ex (i.e. you) and boosting his ego knowing both his current and ex-girlfriend want him. 

[preraph]

Yes, you need to go ahead and remove him from your social media so your mind isn't at all on what he will think about what you put up there.  I'm sorry it didn't work out.  He likes you, but he doesn't love you.  You deserve someone who does.  

[Blondegirl89]

So this is an odd one. 
 

myself and my ex have been over a good while. We really haven’t spoken properly or met since Christmas. I helped do up his house for him as a friendly and kindHe asked me to go to lunch with him during the week for a catch up but he disappeared and I didn’t hear from him for a while. 

Then today while minding my own business guess who walked into my job unannounced to see if I was free for coffee. He said if I was busy then he would come back later on for it.

I agreed and we went for a coffee. It was so bizarre, he said that he knew we had planned to meet and that he hadn’t gotten around to it yet and that he felt like he needed a walk so came down to see me. 

I just got my hair done and lost weight which surprisingly enough he noticed and commented on saying my hair was really nice and that I looked slimmer. He never complimented me when we where together lol we had a chat and he was asking about my mother. I told him she was diagnosed with cancer and we where waiting on the results to come back. 

he said please let me know the results and not to worry that he was there if I needed anything.

sorry for the long paragraphs but I felt it needed to be explained.

now am I wrong in thinking it’s a bit bizarre to show up unannounced at someone’s job? Especially an Exes. My colleagues couldn’t get Over it. One thinks he’s testing the waters and the other thinks he was checking up on me.

He has a girlfriend or at least he did last time we spoke, I haven’t asked or even care to ask. 

While we where together he would always text me to say he was outside. I know it doesn’t mean much but surely he had some sort of motives. 

to be honest I only agreed to go because I was concerned he had bad news or was engaged or something bad that would probably require a face to face chat over a coffee but all he wanted to do was say hi. 

This is the second time he’s done this, a months ago he surprised me and brought me to lunch. 

thoughts? 

[Pleasant-Sage]

Trying to weasel his way back in?

[snowboy91]

He could be wanting to get back with you, or he misses your companionship and wants to be friends. It's weird, but I can't see anything malicious about it.

Up to you to decide what you do about that. Do you just not want to see him again, are you happy being friends or do you want to get back together? 

[assertives]

He cannot take no for an answer. I remember you mentioned in one of your posts how you told him that you don't want/cannot be friends with him. But he refused to not have you in his life or whatever dysfunctional equivalent of that. 

His behaviour has been consistent. He gets alot of benefits out of having you around, so of course he's going to want to keep you around. You on the other hand, have shown him you don't really mean it when you say you don't want or cannot be friends with him. He has just totally bulldozed his way and disregarded your feelings and did not respect your decision on this. You'll be in for round 2 (or 3 or 4) of hurt and disappointment if you don't put your foot down.

Edited February 27, 2020 by assertives