New here. but not new as an Other Woman - partner separating

[EEK]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Well she said it "dissolved" and I assumed that meant "divorce" but now I don't know.  Is he just separated OP?

Sorry for the confusion. no actual divorce, just the separation that happened in the last couple days. 

 

[EEK]

3 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

I can't understand how being the back up plan for 13 years is the ideal situation for a woman. You say "all men are capable of cheating" but not all men cheat. This man has shown that he can disrespect not only the mother of his child, but also the woman who he says he loves the most since he had at least two more affairs during the time you were not together. He has shown his true colors and these colors suck in my eyes, yet you have chosen to spend your life with this man. I mean, no self respect? Nothing?

Well, for me, at the risk of being bashed in here, I'll tell you that the ideal situation for me for many years were married men. I was widowed young. And was in no way looking for a relationship. Single men always fell in love and wanted more. Married men didn't. He and I were co-workers/friends, and after about 6 months it became a friends with benefits, I trusted him yet I was NO WHERE near capable of having a relationship. Fast forward 6 or 7 years I wanted a real relationship and he wasn't capable of giving me one, his daughter was still young and he wasn't going to leave.  I entered into a relationship that lasted 7 years with my then boyfriend. That relationship ended. The homicide case was closed, and his daughter was graduating. That's when I told him I wanted a real relationship with him. It's only been about a year and half that I've been the "back up plan". And no, this last year and a half hasn't been ideal. He's not perfect by any means. Neither am I. But he stuck by me through a very difficult time in my life and he never not once judged me for how I chose to handle it. 

[Veronica73]

Homicide case? Was your husband murdered?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, EEK said:

Sorry for the confusion. no actual divorce, just the separation that happened in the last couple days. 

 

Oh I see now.  No wonder there's no champagne.

[EEK]

31 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

Homicide case? Was your husband murdered?

Yes he was. I was a wreck. It was very traumatic. I met MM about 9 months after it happened. He watched my very messy grieving and never not once judged me. And became my best friend. He was a rotten husband to his wife. I told him that many times, but he's is a phenomenal father, lover and best friend. Edited to add, I shouldn't say rotten but he definitely could have been better. And I told him that, just a few hours ago actually.

Edited January 4, 2020 by EEK

[Veronica73]

I’m so sorry about your husband. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, EEK said:

Well, for me, at the risk of being bashed in here, I'll tell you that the ideal situation for me for many years were married men. I was widowed young. And was in no way looking for a relationship. Single men always fell in love and wanted more. Married men didn't. He and I were co-workers/friends, and after about 6 months it became a friends with benefits, I trusted him yet I was NO WHERE near capable of having a relationship. Fast forward 6 or 7 years I wanted a real relationship and he wasn't capable of giving me one, his daughter was still young and he wasn't going to leave.  I entered into a relationship that lasted 7 years with my then boyfriend. That relationship ended. The homicide case was closed, and his daughter was graduating. That's when I told him I wanted a real relationship with him. It's only been about a year and half that I've been the "back up plan". And no, this last year and a half hasn't been ideal. He's not perfect by any means. Neither am I. But he stuck by me through a very difficult time in my life and he never not once judged me for how I chose to handle it. 

 

Wow...  I learned something from this post.

 

My initial (wild, uneducated, unfamiliar-outsider guess) was gonna be that the same psychology shared in your first post creates  the same position  for lots of OW's once the coast is clear .

 

But you offered something HERE which at least affords some logic (regardless of whether it is moral).

"single men wanted more. married men didn't"

... from the perspective of someone about whom it is very understandable  that she wouldn't want to invest heavily  (at that point in her life).

 

Wow...  all of these human factors  'collaborate'  and result in so many messy social situations.

 

It's always much more difficult to take the steady high road than to (what is typically) complicate matters further  with the easy choices.

 

 

[EEK]

5 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

I’m so sorry about your husband. 

Thank you. I've come a long way. I spent years in and out of hospitals because of the PTSD. I almost lost my son. In fact I really credit MM for teaching me how to be a mother again and getting my son back full time. (my mom took him after the murder because I just wasn't stable) I got myself together tho.... It just took a really long time because I was in a court room every few months. 

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, EEK said:

Yes he was. I was a wreck. It was very traumatic. I met MM about 9 months after it happened. He watched my very messy grieving and never not once judged me. And became my best friend. He was a rotten husband to his wife. I told him that many times, but he's is a phenomenal father, lover and best friend. Edited to add, I shouldn't say rotten but he definitely could have been better. And I told him that, just a few hours ago actually.

I'm sorry about your husband.  Why WOULD MM judge you or anyone else judge you when your husband has been murdered?  You certainly shouldn't be.

[EEK]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry about your husband.  Why WOULD MM judge you or anyone else judge you when your husband has been murdered?  You certainly shouldn't be.

I was judged. I was messy. I became a sex addict. An alcoholic. An unfit mother. I really went off the deep end... But I'm no longer that woman. 
 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That is awful, EEK! Who murdered your husband?

[EEK]

Oh man, this thread got way off topic. LOL 

Here's the update: 

I've been distant today with only a couple replies. I've made sure I have remained supportive yet honest. It seems as tho the weight of all his choices over the years have finally climbed onto his shoulders.  And it's heavy on him. 

[EEK]

4 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

That is awful, EEK! Who murdered your husband?

It was a co-worker. But it was very public and there have been several news stories on it so for that, I don't want to go into specifics. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

2 minutes ago, EEK said:

It was a co-worker. But it was very public and there have been several news stories on it so for that, I don't want to go into specifics. 

No need!  I'm glad the killer was caught.  I'm sure that was horrible.

[Hip Pocket]

7 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

I can't understand how being the back up plan for 13 years is the ideal situation for a woman. You say "all men are capable of cheating" but not all men cheat. This man has shown that he can disrespect not only the mother of his child, but also the woman who he says he loves the most since he had at least two more affairs during the time you were not together. He has shown his true colors and these colors suck in my eyes, yet you have chosen to spend your life with this man. I mean, no self respect? Nothing?

Men throughout history have “disrespected”, stepped out on, and cheated on their wives, it doesn’t mean that they’ll always cheat on future partners. My dad didn’t cheat on the woman he left my mother for, nor did any of my friend’s H’s who left for them, and neither has my long term MM stepped out on me. I suspect that the OP’s MM has stepped out for so long due to being in an unsatisfactory M for as much time. Not all Ms were a match made in heaven. 

[EEK]

44 minutes ago, Pocket said:

Men throughout history have “disrespected”, stepped out on, and cheated on their wives, it doesn’t mean that they’ll always cheat on future partners. My dad didn’t cheat on the woman he left my mother for, nor did any of my friend’s H’s who left for them, and neither has my long term MM stepped out on me. I suspect that the OP’s MM has stepped out for so long due to being in an unsatisfactory M for as much time. Not all Ms were a match made in heaven. 

 Well said. Thanks! 

 

Edited January 5, 2020 by EEK

[EEK]

1 hour ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

No need!  I'm glad the killer was caught.  I'm sure that was horrible.

He was caught and released about a year ago. Our judicial system is a joke. 

[Hip Pocket]

2 hours ago, EEK said:

I was judged. I was messy. I became a sex addict. An alcoholic. An unfit mother. I really went off the deep end... But I'm no longer that woman. 
 

I’ve read up on this a lot because after a Dday BW decided that my MM was a SA. Though it boggles our minds we educated ourselves by reading up on it and he did extensive IC and we all concluded, including his IC, that he was nowhere near being a SA. He was just a regular guy getting his normal needs met. Including filling his heart with joy.
 

I suspect you read up on this subject as well? It sounds like you’ve come a very long way so kudos to you! 

[EEK]

23 minutes ago, Pocket said:

I’ve read up on this a lot because after a Dday BW decided that my MM was a SA. Though it boggles our minds we educated ourselves by reading up on it and he did extensive IC and we all concluded, including his IC, that he was nowhere near being a SA. He was just a regular guy getting his normal needs met. Including filling his heart with joy.
 

I suspect you read up on this subject as well? It sounds like you’ve come a very long way so kudos to you! 

At the consistent prodding of my IC I actually attending Sex Addicts Anonymous For almost 2 years. I watched people lose their jobs, their marriages, their families because of sex addiction. It's just like any other addiction in my opinion. I know my MM isn't a sex addict. He's just searching for happiness. 

[Poppy47]

14 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

I can't understand how being the back up plan for 13 years is the ideal situation for a woman. You say "all men are capable of cheating" but not all men cheat. This man has shown that he can disrespect not only the mother of his child, but also the woman who he says he loves the most since he had at least two more affairs during the time you were not together. He has shown his true colors and these colors suck in my eyes, yet you have chosen to spend your life with this man. I mean, no self respect? Nothing?

She would certainly be starting a new kind of relationship with somebody who has proven repeatedly that he cannot be trusted or reliable.

Poppy.

 

 

[SummerDreams]

OP I am sorry for everything you've been through but sorry, the excuse "I only chose married men because single ones wanted a relationship" is ridiculous in my eyes. So are you suggesting that all single women who want sex without a relationship should wreck houses? Can't they just SAY to the single man they are dating that this relationship won't become more serious? 

Also what you are saying is contradictory because you said "I choose married men cause they don't want a relationship" though you are about to have a relationship and marriage with your married man...

Edited January 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed typo

[elaine567]

Plenty single men would give their right arm to be in a sex only. "non-relationship" with a woman.
My guess you wanted to "punish" the wives and gfs for perhaps having something you had lost.
Taking a man away from his wife and family can be a big ego boost.
"I am so special he is willing to risk everything for me" 

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Plenty single men would give their right arm to be in a sex only. "non-relationship" with a woman

Sure. But most women only want to have sex with a man they’re sexually attracted to, at a minimum. There’s a reason incels are single. 

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, SummerDreams said:

are you suggesting that all single women who want sex without a relationship should wreck houses?

Seriously? Many people have sex outside of marriage. Most of that sex is never discovered. “Wrecking houses” isn’t a necessary consequence of extramarital sex. And when it is, why is it he SW who “wrecked the house” rather than the MM, whose role it was to protect their own marriage? 

[SummerDreams]

18 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Seriously? Many people have sex outside of marriage. Most of that sex is never discovered. “Wrecking houses” isn’t a necessary consequence of extramarital sex. And when it is, why is it he SW who “wrecked the house” rather than the MM, whose role it was to protect their own marriage? 

When a crime is not discovered it doesn't mean it's still not a crime. Same with extramarital sex.

The OW has a big role as well as the BM for having sex with a married man. Do you want to say it's 50-50? It's still a big responsibility. This woman said she wanted to have sex only with married men, so in my eyes her responsibility is even bigger than a woman who gets with a man who maybe lied about being married and she found out later.