Prettyinblack Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 After 2 months + 1 week, my ex b/f called and started chatting away like no time had passed at all! We have spoken 2x since the break-up and I have suffered horribly, working like Hell to get my act together, rearranged my whole house after I ALMOST sold it, have taken in a male border, and NOW he calls all nervous like, and asks if I would like to meet him for coffee on his day-off or got to a Jam on a Monday night. I don't know, but I am feeling mixed about this.....I have wanted him back, cried myself to sleep, smoked too much, lost weight, re-decorated and worked my as* off to get to 'this place' and now what the heck do I do? He called from work, had to serve a customer, asked if I minded if he called me back, and he did and then I prattled on like some school girl who has never had a "boy" call her..... go figure. I love him like I've never loved. That's what f***ed it up to begin with. Me, the big strong career woman who has her act together can't keep her head on straight when she loves a man. So, I don't know whether I will meet him for coffee or not. I don't want to and be a nervous wreck.....If I do decide to go, how do I keep it together without blabbing about how he is my true love and I have been miserable???? Pretty bad, eh?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 If I do decide to go, how do I keep it together without blabbing about how he is my true love and I have been miserable???? Pretty bad, eh? No, its not bad. Its completely understandable. You may have to literally bite your tongue, but when you think you are getting ready to say something like that simply choose not to. It will be a hard choice, but your best bet is to sit back and let him do all the talking. If he doesn't bring up relationship type stuff, then you don't either. When you say your goodbyes, thank him for the coffee and a good time and then go back to your healing process. There's no telling what it is he wants, but if you sit and let him do all the talking it will become apparent what his motivation is for it. Just give back what you get. If he gives light chit-chat, then give it back - and nothing else. If he has it in his mind that he wants to 'start over' then keeping it light will be doing just that. He will make himself scarce if you dredge up a lot of hurt and pain at this stage of the early game.
freckles3131 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Tough call.....If it were me, I don't know if I could go without some expectation....and if it didn't turn out the way I imagined(i.e. with the "I miss you etc...) and he just missed my "friendship" or he was bored/in a dry spell and figured, "what the hell, start dialing the ex"......I don't know, if he hurt you to that extent(been there....NOT a good place) do you want to take a chance of going back to how you felt on day ONE?? I mean, can you imagine??? Of course......the curiousity would be killing me.....so, if you can handle it possibly being "just coffee" and walk away okay with that and not be a total mess all over again, go for it...if you aren't sure....you might be setting yourself up to take some HUGE steps backwards....
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Great advice from both of you and thank you very much. What you both siad, resonates deep within me and I am now thinking of the 'options', dare I say. I have always been the 'communicator' in the relationship..He, the silent one who stores up what he thinks, and I'm sure, half the time, has conversations in his head. The night we broke up, I was soooo angry at him, I told him that "the biggest he and I ever had, occurred between his ears." It would be interesting to let 'him' do all the talking. And, I am a little concerned that it will be a huge step backwards. I feel nervous now, whereas I never did before. Real nervous.....what the heck????
freckles3131 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Of course you are feeling nervous.....you are afraid this little get together is going to hurt you...you are already in touch with that sick feeling that you had just worked so hard to put behind you.(well, as much as you have) I would say...if you do go........go and listen and DO NOT accept anything but 100%, no less......if he does start "talking" tell yourself it had better be the speech of his frickin' life and if not, you keep on truckin' baby! Now....read my posts when u get a chance, esp. todays...Art Critic has been helpful, but could use another opinion.....good luck, keep us posted!
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 11, 2005 Author Posted October 11, 2005 So here's the update....we met for coffee. He had this glazed look when he saw me and kind of looked disappointed that it wasn't a big kiss, hug and 'reunion' sort of thing. We grabbed a coffee and sat in the van for about an hour. We got caught up. He kept saying that I was the nicest person he ever knew and that he had trust issues and that if there was anyone he should trust, it's me (tears in the eyes on this subject). This led to a conversation about trust, issues in the relationship and him asking if we could get together on the w/e. We did on Saturday night....went for dinner, back to my place and talked until 1:30 in the morning. Actually, I had the most fantastic time. I had told him during the coffee date that we had communication problems and that I needed more conversation and on Saturday night, he talked and talked and talked. We had had a few drinks and he spent the night, but NO SEX. I made it really clear that if that was going to be a problem, I could call him a cab and he said he would respect that and he did. He left on Sunday morning telling me his plans for the day and I told him mine and he left. We never said, "so what about next week-end or call me", it was just kind of left. I am now having anxiety. Some issues resolved, others not at this point. I felt good about the night but am not sure where we are going from here. Lots of hugging and stuff, telling me he has missed me, the cats, the house, everything. It was like we were back together but I'm not sure. And yeah, the old feelings resurfaced....for both I think. Now what??? Urgh!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Go day by day. Grasping at an uncertain future will do nothing but put it that much further out of your reach. Its a fragile time. Sit back and let him come to you at his pace. When he calls, even if it has been a few days and you are fuming... tell him that you are happy to hear from him, and sound like you mean it. This is one of those cases where the phrase "you draw more flies with honey than vinegar" really means something. Be affectionate, and loving - but only to the degree that he does. Match and mirror his pace. He will be a lot less skittish if you do.
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