Girl I have been dating for 3 months is friend with an former « sex-friend »

[Poutrew]

8 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I know it’s unhealthy but I feel like i need to know if something happened with that guy on new year s eve. I ve had multiple occasions to look at her phone over the last few days but i resisted the urge.... 

If something did happen, then i woud have no regret walking away. It’s the unknown that makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe next time i need to take a deep breath and have a look into her phone again....

As I said earlier, don't let anyone here guilt you into not snooping her phone. Do what you need to do. At the least, a lot of your valuable time will not be wasted. Good luck.

 

[gringoloco]

3 minutes ago, JTSW said:

No, don't go snooping in her phone again.

That's just seriously disrespectful.

If you want to know the truth just ask her already.

I would like not having to do it too but you know very well she can lie.

She already told me she hadn’t been with anyone since we started seeing each other. But knowing her past i just don’t buy it. The messages i saw planted a doubt in my brain, even though I know for sure the guy  left before the end of the party. 

 

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I would like not having to do it too but you know very well she can lie

The answer is not to keep delving into her phone, the answer is to let her go as you do not trust her an inch.
You will never completely trust her.

Your last gf was paranoid as she could not trust you and that felt good to you as you knew she was desperate to keep you.
Now you cannot trust this gf  to stay away from other men, and you are the paranoid one... its not a great feeling is it?

[d0nnivain]

16 hours ago, elpandillero said:

 I would like her to adjust a bit

Why does she have to adjust?  Why don't you have to become more trusting & secure?  You are the one being overly suspicious here.  

 

53 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I would like not having to do it too but you know very well she can lie.

She already told me she hadn’t been with anyone since we started seeing each other. But knowing her past i just don’t buy it. The messages i saw planted a doubt in my brain, even though I know for sure the guy  left before the end of the party. 

Break up with her. You don't trust her & you are now veering off into seriously paranoid.  

You know the guy left the party before you & your girl yet you insist something happened with him.  If you ask her, you assume she will lie.  This is no way to live.  

You actually think the toxicity that your EX exhibited -- not letting you out of her sight -- is love.  You have trouble accepting that well balanced people can casually flirt without cheating or that they trust their partners.  

[gringoloco]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Why does she have to adjust?  Why don't you have to become more trusting & secure?  You are the one being overly suspicious here.  

 

Break up with her. You don't trust her & you are now veering off into seriously paranoid.  

You know the guy left the party before you & your girl yet you insist something happened with him.  If you ask her, you assume she will lie.  This is no way to live.  

You actually think the toxicity that your EX exhibited -- not letting you out of her sight -- is love.  You have trouble accepting that well balanced people can casually flirt without cheating or that they trust their partners.  

I wasn’t at that party because I had another one planed. He was (she invited him last minute) and yes he left before the end around 4 am (they finished at 7am).  That leaves quite some time for sex if you really want to... Also I know she was extremly drunk. Her circle of close friends had not met him before so that adds to the weirdness. When talking about the party with me she said her « friend » left around 4 am. She didn’t go into much details about who he was or what history they had. This I found by myself in her phone.

The only way i get the end of the story is by snooping...

I hate myself for feeling this way and being this paranoid, I wish I could just not have heard all these things about her past but now it’s eating me...

 

[gringoloco]

it wasn’t a « date » as she presented him as a « friend » but honestly that makes me feel super uncomfortable I litterally couldn’t sleep tonight because i was thinking about it.

Now the only thing I have on my mind is to make her come around tonight so i can look at her phone and see what happened. I have a big presentation in 2 days, and i feel like i can’t focus because i don t have the answer to that

At the time we hadn’t had the exclusivity talk, but still that should have been implicit to her so if something happened i would feel massively betrayed

Edited January 14, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

20 hours ago, elpandillero said:

The only way i get the end of the story is by snooping...

That's the childish immature way to go about it.

You could try the grown up and respectful way and ASK her 

You need to get a grip. Obsessive and insecure is very unattractive. 

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, elpandillero said:

At the time we hadn’t had the exclusivity talk, but still that should have been implicit to her so if something happened i would feel massively betrayed

No.  Exclusivity is never presumed.  It only happens after the couple talks about it & they both agree.  

Are you seriously going to try to force a relationship with her knowing you don't trust her & you can only be happy if she completely changes as a person & practically never speaks to another man again? 

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

No.  Exclusivity is never presumed.  It only happens after the couple talks about it & they both agree.  

Are you seriously going to try to force a relationship with her knowing you don't trust her & you can only be happy if she completely changes as a person & practically never speaks to another man again? 

I won’t force anything. I know I have my own insecurities to deal with, I ve been a bit damaged by my past relationship and I need to change my perspectives on what a healthy relationship is.

I like the girl so I really want to try and see if I can manage, if I can’t well I’ll just give up. 

I haven’t been the best partner in the first 3 months as I was very distant. Only when i realized I could lose her I started caring a lot. I know I should have gone with her on New Year’s eve, I had no reasons not to...She was always the one chasing me in the beginning.

I ve always been afraid of not having the upper hand in a relationship, because I ve been manipulated by a woman last year for who i fell in love too quickly only to get burned as she wanted her ex despite pretending she was in love. It kicked hard.

It is difficult because I m forcing myself not to get too attached but I can’t help it.

 

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I ve been manipulated by a woman last year for who i fell in love too quickly only to get burned as she wanted her ex despite pretending she was in love. It kicked hard.

She's not your ex.

Have a heart to heart with her about it all.

It's always better to talk things out calmly together and voice your issues.

My husband and I do this because we use to bottle our frustrations up with each other but now we've learned to sit and talk about it.

It really helps .

Edited January 15, 2020 by JTSW

[gringoloco]

Hey, just wanted to update you guys on this

So basically I managed to get into her text messages and read the rest. I know it’s VERY bad but I had to finish what I wrongly started...I won’t allow myself to do it ever do again.

The whole conversation on Jan 2nd was going like this :

her: made it back safely yersteday?

him: yes, and you? you enjoyed the rest of the party? Do you resent me?

her : yes it was great. I thought you were the one resenting me. 

him: why would I resent you?

her: I don’t know, maybe I was a bit heavy with the alcohol

him: no don’t worry it’s fine

her : did you enjoy the party anyways ?

him : yes, it was great your friends were very nice

her.: good then

So that’s the story. I will never really know what happened, maybe he tried something and she didn’t let him and that’s why he left....

Fast forward to next saturday (Jan 5th) he asks her what she’s up to in the evening. She said she was going to a party with her boyfriend (me). Then he said « ha, that’s cool ». And since then there wasn’t any other texts

So in a way I feel a bit better because I can tell she didn’t hide she had a boyfriend, and she mentioned it to him later on again. 

I just hope this guy is not gonna try to hit on her again, and that if he does she will react properly.

I need to have a discussion with her about the fact that I m uncomfortable with her drinking too much if she’s alone or with other guys around. On New Year’s eve she really drank a lot and clearly I don’t know how she could react in those circumstances...I don’t think she handles alcohol very well, especially as her father passed away less than 2 months ago...It’s just that It’s difficult to bring it up without sounding accusatory, and judging. 

 

Edited January 19, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

Well I'm disappointed that you went down the disrespectful route instead of the adult route. 

You were advised to have a talk with her, a heart to heart, but you didn't listen. 

She will find out you went through her phone and any decisions will be out of your hands when she realises you don't trust her. 

Those messages show that there is nothing going on between them. You have absolutely no proof whatsoever that he hit on her.

Sounds like she drank a bit too much and became a bit ignorant toward him. 

You need to stop all this immature behavior of yours because you are creating problems where there aren't any. 

[gringoloco]

57 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Well I'm disappointed that you went down the disrespectful route instead of the adult route. 

You were advised to have a talk with her, a heart to heart, but you didn't listen. 

She will find out you went through her phone and any decisions will be out of your hands when she realises you don't trust her. 

Those messages show that there is nothing going on between them. You have absolutely no proof whatsoever that he hit on her.

Sounds like she drank a bit too much and became a bit ignorant toward him. 

You need to stop all this immature behavior of yours because you are creating problems where there aren't any. 

I know it is immature, I shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but It was difficult to talk about it without her realizing that I indeed snooped into her phone.

She is not hiding much, she leaves her phone with me often and there s not even a password, once she even asked me to answer by text to her mom while she was busy. 

I realize it is difficult for me to forget all those stories I’ve heard about her from either her and her friends from when she was single. Now i imagine that whenever she’s going to be drunk alone she’s going to be all flirty and ultimately when the magic fades between us, cheat on me. I’ m trying my best to value her in our relationship, make her feel appreciated, but I don’t know if that will be enough. The fact that she has a lot of guy friends doesn’t help.

She told me her ex used to hate that guy, and he used to snoop into her phone too, so it sent me some negative signals..

Edited January 19, 2020 by elpandillero

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I just hope this guy is not gonna try to hit on her again, and that if he does she will react properly.

She is only 22, guys are going to be hitting on her for decades ahead. If she is the cheating kind, then she will cheat at some point.
We have had guys on here whose wives cheated on them after 30 years of marriage...
You are trying to control a situation that is just not controllable.
You have no evidence that this girl is untrustworthy, yet you snooped into her text messages..
With no trust there is no relationship.
She will get fed up and leave.
I guess if you do not get a handle on your insecurity and jealousy, you will still be snooping around on somebody else's phone history in 30 years time...
Maybe by that time you can install secret cameras all around your house too... just in case...

[d0nnivain]

You really are being too jealous & controlling. If anything those texts prove you can trust her.  Yet instead of trusting her, now you want to regulate what & how much she consumes because you don't want her to be intoxicated around other men.  Geesh.  

Honestly I think you need to re-evaluate whether you are ready to date.  It sounds like you don't want a date so much as to be in control.  It's like you think your SO should only have a life when you are right there to supervise.  What are you going to prohibit her from doing next, working because there are men at her place of business & you heard that lots of affairs start at work? If you can't trust, you can't love.    

[ExpatInItaly]

Good heavens, you are a lot of work, OP. 

I don't think you are ready to date at all. Your whole approach to this relationship has been quite immature for a man of 29 years, and speaks to your deeper problems with insecurity. You are far more fixated on having the upper-hand and being in control and making her understand your importance than you are actually building a healthy, adult relationship with this young lady. You admit you only really started caring about her when you realized you had competition. That tells me you're not that into her, but got all hot under the collar because it threatened your sense of self-worth and hurt your ego.

Now, do I think she made a good choice bringing a former FWB to this party, and over-sharing about her sexual past? No. Those are not good choices. However, you have to realize that she is still immature herself. You both are, but in very different ways. This is where you reflect on your real compatibility. Nobody is forcing you to date the young party girl, but since you persist, know that the way you are handling it is going to backfire on you sooner or later. 

This relationship will almost surely be a short-lived one. Why? Well, given what you have written about her, she is not ready for the future she fantasizes about. It doesn't matter how much she talks about marriage; she hardly knows you yet. This is how you know she loves the idea of love, but hasn't yet developed a true sense of what such a commitment entails. For you, see the reasons I mentioned in the first paragraph. You are deeply insecure and trying to make her fix it. That isn't going to work in the long-run. Instead, you need to reflect on yourself and why you feel you are not good enough to keep a woman without playing silly games and attempting to control the narrative: do you not feel you're accomplished enough? Not attractive enough? Not great enough in bed? What?

[gringoloco]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good heavens, you are a lot of work, OP. 

I don't think you are ready to date at all. Your whole approach to this relationship has been quite immature for a man of 29 years, and speaks to your deeper problems with insecurity. You are far more fixated on having the upper-hand and being in control and making her understand your importance than you are actually building a healthy, adult relationship with this young lady. You admit you only really started caring about her when you realized you had competition. That tells me you're not that into her, but got all hot under the collar because it threatened your sense of self-worth and hurt your ego.

Now, do I think she made a good choice bringing a former FWB to this party, and over-sharing about her sexual past? No. Those are not good choices. However, you have to realize that she is still immature herself. You both are, but in very different ways. This is where you reflect on your real compatibility. Nobody is forcing you to date the young party girl, but since you persist, know that the way you are handling it is going to backfire on you sooner or later. 

This relationship will almost surely be a short-lived one. Why? Well, given what you have written about her, she is not ready for the future she fantasizes about. It doesn't matter how much she talks about marriage; she hardly knows you yet. This is how you know she loves the idea of love, but hasn't yet developed a true sense of what such a commitment entails. For you, see the reasons I mentioned in the first paragraph. You are deeply insecure and trying to make her fix it. That isn't going to work in the long-run. Instead, you need to reflect on yourself and why you feel you are not good enough to keep a woman without playing silly games and attempting to control the narrative: do you not feel you're accomplished enough? Not attractive enough? Not great enough in bed? What?

Thanks for your perspective. You sure made some valid points.

I don’t think I’ m insecure about either my looks or my sexual performances. As a matter fact those are probably my two main assets and she compliments me on it all the time.

It’s more that I’m struggling with the idea of trust and how to maintain a relationship when there is competition around. I feel like I think too much, and sometimes I should just speak my mind whatever the consequences are. This is true for everything in my life. I am too afraid of being taken advantage of. When she does something I don’t like, then I should have the guts to tell it to her straight away wether she likes it or not. This I’m struggling to do, because I m too afraid of losing her. 

I have been used to hook-up / fwb relationships, and I m struggling to understand the dynamics of a real relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Again, what do you not feel you bring to the table that you're convinced other guys would? People with a healthy sense of self-worth are not so threatened by every hint of competition, so to speak. 

What is it you don't like about yourself?

[JTSW]

You don't trust her at all even though she has given no reason not to at all. 

Break up with her. 

She deserves so much better than this. 

Edited January 19, 2020 by JTSW

[gringoloco]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Again, what do you not feel you bring to the table that you're convinced other guys would? People with a healthy sense of self-worth are not so threatened by every hint of competition, so to speak. 

What is it you don't like about yourself?

I feel i m not social enough/fun enough at times, whereas some other guys have the gift of gab and that could threaten me keeping my girl if they s*** chat her and she’s seduced by that. Also I feel like I don’t speak up for myself enough.

I’ve always had an easy way with women, it’s very easy for me to seduce them and have sex with them, but I feel like I m constantly obligated to be my best to keep them.

Yet I don’t think I’ m insecure. On the contrary, I feel like I’m a huge upgrade for her, and that she would never ever be able to find better than me.

I don’t know if it’s me being insecure, or me not trusting her due to her promiscious past and naturally flirty behavior, especially when drunk.

Edited January 19, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

22 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I’ve always had an easy way with women, it’s very easy for me to seduce them and have sex with them, but I feel like I m constantly obligated to be my best to keep them.

This just sounds like bragging. You don't sound very attractive to me tbh. 

23 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

Yet I don’t think I’ m insecure. On the contrary, I feel like I’m a huge upgrade for her, and that she would never ever be able to find better than me.

Oh you are seriously insecure. You don't have 100% control of this relationship and you're flipping out. 

You are being completely unreasonable. 

If you weren't insecure then you wouldn't have gone through her phone. 

[gringoloco]

10 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This just sounds like bragging. You don't sound very attractive to me tbh. 

Oh you are seriously insecure. You don't have 100% control of this relationship and you're flipping out. 

You are being completely unreasonable. 

If you weren't insecure then you wouldn't have gone through her phone. 

I never said I was the best boyfriend to have. I said my looks and status (I have worked my ass of to get the job I have today) have always gotten me women’s attention, but I know I lack other qualities hence my insecurities....

Edited January 19, 2020 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I feel i m not social enough/fun enough at times, whereas some other guys have the gift of gab and that could threaten me keeping my girl if they s*** chat her and she’s seduced by that. Also I feel like I don’t speak up for myself enough.

I don’t know if it’s me being insecure, or me not trusting her due to her promiscious past and naturally flirty behavior, especially when drunk.

On the first bolded point above - if your girl is that easily seduced by a sweet-talker, then she is not that committed to you to begin with. Nobody wants a stick-in-the-mud at social events, of course, but if you're generally pleasant and engaging then I don't think this should be as much of a problem as you fear. 

On the second bolded point - you either trust her or you don't. Don't force yourself to be a with a woman whose values and character are incompatible with yours. That is a question of making wise choices in dating rather than attempting to change someone to fit your vision of a good partner. Is there room for compromise and change from both parties? Sure. But you're not going to get that by invading her privacy. 

My guess is that because you have no problem attracting women and getting them in bed, you didn't actually realize how insecure you are. It wasn't an issue because you weren't really dating them, it seems. Now that you are dating this girl, and you feel threatened by another man, your insecurities and anxiety are going into overdrive. Purposely distancing yourself, trying to make her jealous, snooping through her phone? Dude. You're 29, not 19. You've been dating this girl for all of 90 days. You need to reign in this behaviour and start tackling your underlying issues, rather than playing these games. 

[gringoloco]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

On the first bolded point above - if your girl is that easily seduced by a sweet-talker, then she is not that committed to you to begin with. Nobody wants a stick-in-the-mud at social events, of course, but if you're generally pleasant and engaging then I don't think this should be as much of a problem as you fear. 

On the second bolded point - you either trust her or you don't. Don't force yourself to be a with a woman whose values and character are incompatible with yours. That is a question of making wise choices in dating rather than attempting to change someone to fit your vision of a good partner. Is there room for compromise and change from both parties? Sure. But you're not going to get that by invading her privacy. 

My guess is that because you have no problem attracting women and getting them in bed, you didn't actually realize how insecure you are. It wasn't an issue because you weren't really dating them, it seems. Now that you are dating this girl, and you feel threatened by another man, your insecurities and anxiety are going into overdrive. Purposely distancing yourself, trying to make her jealous, snooping through her phone? Dude. You're 29, not 19. You've been dating this girl for all of 90 days. You need to reign in this behaviour and start tackling your underlying issues, rather than playing these games. 

I didn’t think any of this before, but the fact she invited this guy on new year’s eve + the way she behaved with this other guy at the party we went together really got me wondering what was going on.

She’s very nice to me, texts me all the time, tells me I value her, no one has ever valued her like that, that I’m the best she has ever had in bed blablabla....

But at the same time, at that party we went to, after everyone got drunk towards the end, she was giving into this other guy’s bulls***. He was complimenting her like « you’re really the queen of this party! » Then he started saying he could dance on Shakira.. and she was like « oh yeah I want to see that! ». I went to the restroom and when I came back there were laughing in the kitchen and she was trying to get him to dance on Shakira. Then they started saying they should make another party with their friend in common. She said she was going to bring Vodka, and he shoud bring Tequila. I was really shocked honestly.

I just didn’t know what to say on the spot. I’m still thinking about this now. It was 2 weeks ago, and now i feel like it’s too late to bring the issue up to her, I should have said something on the spot

Edited January 19, 2020 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you might just be incompatible with this girl. 

You are nearly 30. She is only 22. While chronologically you're not so many years apart, you're at different points in your lives. She's still partying it up whereas you appear to be less inclined these days. I was too, at 29. Getting drunk and wild was largely behind me at that point. She doesn't see the harm in getting very friendly with other guys, when alcohol is involved; you do. 

You have very different ideas and expectations for what you want out of dating. Her character is also quite different from yours. There are already issues at 3 months, and you two haven't hit the heavy-lifting moments of the relationship yet.

You could try talking to her about it, but I suspect that not much is going to change. This is who she is at this point in her life. You have to decide if you can accept her as she is, or if you'd prefer to date someone who is naturally already more in sync with you.