Why doesn't he initiate?

[ElecLibre]

32 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Dating somebody with a similar value to your own actually degrades the value that you have; there is an inherent structure of power within relationships, two people cannot just coexist without compromise or conflict, there are to many variables in life, at the end of the day, one of the two has to enable the other to eclipse them, its just often we dont want to do that because then the values drop so much that the one with higher value feels like they are settling. 

This is actually a very interesting line of thought and makes sense especially in the digital over-connected era where options are limitless. Thanks for sharing these thoughts!

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, ElecLibre said:

This didn't cross my mind at all! Perhaps...

understand, it's not something he's going to broadcast to someone he's barely doing the minimum with due to the embarrassing nature.

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Or as the others said, this might just be platonic for him, he just enjoys my company when I'm around but nothing more.

  Then there is something about you that doesn't turn him on enough for him to arse himself because just as you thought he is:

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ridiculously hot and intelligent, it's really hard to find this combo so not only is he great eye candy with a body to die

he may not think the same about you and instead would rather keep you at bay so he's not feeding into your ideas for him and you. I'm sure you're not the only woman he's met who has the same take away about his packaging and method.

Edited January 3, 2020 by kendahke

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Piddy said:

Good work..........  On the protection....... Are you OK being friends or are you looking for a sexual relationship with him in addition to the married guy?

YES! She already said in a previous post that she was disappointed when she invited him up after the date that he declined because she wanted to have sex with him.

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, kendahke said:

ridiculously hot and intelligent, it's really hard to find this combo so not only is he great eye candy with a body to die

If this is the case this guy is not hard up for sex.  Like most men with his assets he probably has women lined up to boink him.  He's in no rush to just get sex because it probably comes too easy for him.  He's selective.

Edited January 3, 2020 by stillafool

[VIOLET EDEN]

19 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yeah the fact that she invited him up to her apartment and he declined is further indication of his low interest.  An interested man would jump at the chance for at least a real kiss.  If he were a younger man I might agree that he is playing a game but at 44 it's doubtful.  It is clear that she's interested.  I don't think he's keeping her on the side; she's keeping herself there.

Or maybe he is being respectful, but there is another angle here, maybe he doesn't want to date, but just wants companionship, you should probably ask hi  what he wants out of this acquiantance.

[kendahke]

17 minutes ago, VIOLET EDEN said:

Or maybe he is being respectful

from OP's first post;
 

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I'm 29 and met a guy (44 -) through OLD,

he was quite intense at first, really insisted he wanted to meet up,

then he dropped me home and kissed me on the cheek.

we met up a few more times but always when I suggest it,

he never texts first or asks if I'm free,

I didn't message him for 4 weeks, and he never checked in.

I did finally wish him happy new year he immediately answered and said he hopes we can meet up soon.

 

That's him being respectfully disinterested.

[PinkFlamingo]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

The man is 44, he's not a boy, he doesn't need you to take his hand and teach him how the dating game goes.

Great words. I just used them on a guy I know. 

[ThorntonMelon]

I am one of the biggest fans of black and white advice this planet has ever seen. And yet I think in this case going black and white with advice could be misleading.

I would absolutely put on the table that you're interested but don't feel that level of interest back. His response will tell you what you need to know. He will likely ask you why you're saying that and you should tell him what you told us. Not accusatory just statement of fact. 

I went out with someone recently who I was interested in, but I just could not get a decent vibe from her even though she continued to suggest dates. Eventually I just backed off at which point she called me out for doing so. The point isn't that you're right or he's right, just don't assume anything in this case. He keeps going out with you. There's a reason. 

[PinkFlamingo]

23 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

For some, sure, but when you are seeing multiple people, as we all do in the dating game, you cannot just focus all your effort onto one individual, as it becomes overwhelming for them; there is an inherent weakness in being available, and too much chasing leads to that weakness being shown.

A man that does not immediately make himself available is engaged in value building, where as men with no value have to work within a set time frame or risk having their abundance of availability exposed, which is why most men with a lower value attempt to go right to sex and why women with lower value do the exact same thing.

This man vs. women warfare reeks of pickup artist pep talk. I think what is true is that most people, men and women alike, have become tremendously frustrated with flakiness, online dating, the shallowness when meeting people, fake ideals that are presented on Instagram. The average man is certainly not doing better than the average woman. 

Edited January 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[PinkFlamingo]

To answer the question of the OP, I don't think he is interested in you as a girlfriend. He probably likes you as a platonic friend, therefore he isn't doing much. Not necessarily because he doesn't like you, but he is not in love with you, so you are just not in his mind. But since he does like you, he appreciates your suggestions for meetings. I assume you haven't been overly aggressive with your sexual advances?Then he has probably assumed that there is no need to start any talks with you to set things straight and since most people dread initiating "talks" they rather keep quiet unless there is a strong reason.

[Piddy]

Here's the dilemma for me.  In my era we had one night stands, but we didn't have more than one sexual relationship at a time.  She is seeing a married man in a relationship, but he gave her his blessing to have sex with other people as long as she uses protection. 

So now if the new guy progresses into a sexual relationship does he deserve to know about the married guy?  And if the new guy is having sex with other women, does ElecLibra deserve to know?

This has the makings of a soap opera.  OK, senior moment.  She answered me previously that they can keep everything on the hush hush until they're thingy turns into a relationship.  A little too convoluted for me, but I wish her luck.............

Edited January 3, 2020 by Piddy

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

6 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said:

This man vs. women warfare reeks of pickup artist pep talk. I think what is true is that most people, men and women alike, have become tremendously frustrated with flakiness, online dating, the shallowness when meeting people, fake ideals that are presented on Instagram. The average man is certainly not doing better than the average woman. 

Man vs. Woman is done... It has been done for a while now, the focus is value. Y'all talking about all this pick up artist nonsense sound like you listen to it yourselves and know it well, maybe you should stay away from all that, I really have no idea what you are talking about, yet people consistently bring it up. The focus of what I am talking about is value; value is simply a mindset applicable to men and women, not just one specific sex... Such shallow thinking is probably what leads most of these people to listening to all this pick up artist non-sense in the first place.

[PinkFlamingo]

11 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Man vs. Woman is done... It has been done for a while now, the focus is value. Y'all talking about all this pick up artist nonsense sound like you listen to it yourselves and know it well, maybe you should stay away from all that, I really have no idea what you are talking about, yet people consistently bring it up. The focus of what I am talking about is value; value is simply a mindset applicable to men and women, not just one specific sex... Such shallow thinking is probably what leads most of these people to listening to all this pick up artist non-sense in the first place.

And of course, you came up with all this value thing yourself. Give me a break...

[ElecLibre]

19 hours ago, Piddy said:

Here's the dilemma for me.  In my era we had one night stands, but we didn't have more than one sexual relationship at a time.  She is seeing a married man in a relationship, but he gave her his blessing to have sex with other people as long as she uses protection. 

So now if the new guy progresses into a sexual relationship does he deserve to know about the married guy?  And if the new guy is having sex with other women, does ElecLibra deserve to know?

This has the makings of a soap opera.  OK, senior moment.  She answered me previously that they can keep everything on the hush hush until they're thingy turns into a relationship.  A little too convoluted for me, but I wish her luck.............

So MM and I aren't exactly in a "relationship". We see each other regularly with the climbing group and act normal, and we don't go on dates or anything, it's really more of a FWB situation where he will come over sometimes for sex and that's it, then we go back to our lives.

Of course if I get into a relationship with someone new, I would tell MM that I'm not interested in hooking up anymore, but I'm clearly not at that stage with Mr. Mysterious so I'll deal with that when it happens. I guess I'll have more answers after our date tonight

[Wanderlust2018]

12 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said:

And of course, you came up with all this value thing yourself. Give me a break...

I think what CAPSLOCK BANDIT is saying has some merit.

This is not like pre-industrialized times, when people married “folk” within their same small circle and community, since that’s all they knew and had “available.” We are in an age where it’s often easy to discern and know what the potential partner brings to the table...or not... The overall value so to speak. 

As CAPSLOCK BANDIT states, value isn’t gender exclusive. We all know people who date and seek out those within the same or close to the strata as themselves, be it financial, educational attainment, social status/standing, career, goals, self-worth, etc. 

Theres nothing wrong with one knowing their inherent value and whether or not they choose to adjust what they’re willing to accept or not. Would most women enter into a relationship with a man who was say, unemployed, and perhaps lacking in education or ambition!?!? Of course not and why should she? That man does not have value in her eyes...nor is a secure and safe option. I realize this isn’t exactly the same scenario as the OP describes, but in context and essence, is overall the same; the guy she’s interested in may not value her at the same level as himself. Why should anyone settle!?!? 

 

[ElecLibre]

TL;DR: he IS into me, but he wants to be my sub. 

Hi everyone, so I initially posted here to go into the date prepared for the "conversation" and boy did it go somewhere I didn't expect at all! So he comes to fetch me for our date, all smiles and hugs and a passionate kiss when he sees me saying "wow I missed you, you look amazing"... So I casually said: well it's not like you checked in on me and he just said: yeah it's been really busy with the holidays etc.. Some bulls*** excuse but I didn't want to start the date with a fight so I let that slide.

The date was great, the connection was still there, and then we went to grab something to eat which is when I asked him point blank "if I hadn't reached out, would you have?" and he was evasive at first with the bulls*** answers and I said that I know when something is up and I'm getting a vibe from him so just let me know if he wants just a friendship etc.. So he finally said it: he got a vibe frome me on our first date which disappeared after a while and so he figured I wasn't what he was looking for sexually but he enjoys the company otherwise. I asked him to elaborate, and it turns out that he thought I was a Domme, especially through text and during our first date, but after that I softend up and became "nice"... 

This lead to a whole discussion of kinks, turns out the guy wants a woman to dominate him, humiliate him and treat him like a slave. He wants to serve her and be ordered around! So that's not really me, as in its a role that could come up briefly in one sex session but in general I'm not really a Domme! On first dates I put up a lot of barriers at first so that's why he felt that. He insisted that I have potential and that there is a dominating charisma (?!) to me and that he would love to be my slave. I told him I've got zero experience in this but I'm always up for new experiences so I wouldn't mind seeing how this can all fold out. You should have seen the sparkle in his eyes, like a child on Christmas day. 

He then said: let's go to the movies. This wasn't planned as part of the date, but I went along with it, appreciating the fact that it would give me time to process all this. We go to some low-key place for some local indie movie, we sit in the back row which was completely empty and after a while he whispers to me: "please let me worship you, let me go where I truly belong, at, your feet" and, I kid you not, the guy gets on his knees and lies down at my feet and starts taking off my shoes and kissing my feet.... At this point I was in between "what the f*** is going on?" and "i might actually be into this" so I just let him go ahead and kiss/lick my feet and toes and caress my legs for a good 15 minutes while I watched the movie - it was strangely arousing. I told him then that was enough and he got up and just watched the rest of the movie as usual. 

He then dropped me home, and we didn't speak about the Domme part at all, and I needed time to process it all anyway so we just kissed goodnight and he told me to think about it all and let him know if he can have the pleasure of serving me. 

This obviously opens up a whole new set of questions concerning femdom and foot fetishism so I'll be posting in that category later, for now I just wanted to give you all the update given the time you invested in responding! 

[Veronica73]

Thanks for the update! 

[PinkFlamingo]

Crazy story.