If you have feelings for someone other than your partner does that mean you should end it?

[themfeels]

Been with my partner for 3+ years now. Very comfortable together, can completely be myself around him, he's sweet and funny and a gentleman. We live together. He is happy about our future whereas the thought of marriage and kids fills me with dread, which he knows. I don't know how I would react if he proposed to me, I think I would freeze and not know what to say. Regardless I love him so much and can't imagine life without him.

I've been feeling things for one of our mutual friends for a long time now. I don't know if the other guy likes me that way. Nothing has happened between us, I would never cheat. I just feel very strongly towards him, he exhibits a lot of qualities my partner doesn't have (he's exciting, fun, romantic, etc). He gives me butterflies and I hate it. I feel like a monster for feeling anything for someone else.

A while ago I was really frustrated with my relationship because my partner is the most unromantic person I've ever met and I didn't feel loved at all. I took us to couples counselling. A while later was seriously planning to leave (I don't mean leave him for the other guy, I just mean leave in general, there's absolutely no guarantee that this other guy would want me). Couldn't do it, every time I really thought about it I realised that I couldn't leave because I love him too much and he's my home.

In recent months things have been going along really smoothly, we've both been putting in more effort. I've been trying not to think about the other guy and have been feeling more in love with my partner, like maybe I've been focused on the things my partner isn't and have been overlooking all the wonderful things that he is. However I still feel like I've got one foot out the door, I've been driving around with boxes in the boot of my car for a year now just in case it ends and I have to move out, and I haven't been wanting to book holidays too much in advance, things like that.

And the other guy was at an event we attended recently and I could hardly look at him, I still feel a strong emotional and physical pull towards him.

What if me and this other guy are meant to be together and he's waiting for me to end the relationship, only I'm too cowardly to do so? He's a good guy so I'm assuming he wouldn't make a move or say anything beforehand out of respect for my partner, not that I would allow it. Or what if its fairly normal to feel things for other people and I've just spent way too much time in my head and blown it completely out of proportion and put this other guy on a pedestal because I was so unhappy with my relationship, which in the meantime has improved a lot, and that maybe my feelings for this other guy will subside in time?

"In the end we regret what we didn't do more than what we did do" keeps running around and around in my head, making me panic.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[lana-banana]

4 hours ago, themfeels said:

He is happy about our future whereas the thought of marriage and kids fills me with dread, which he knows. I don't know how I would react if he proposed to me, I think I would freeze and not know what to say.

While every relationship will have some kind of doubt or uncertainty, the very specific feelings you describe above are something else. Your relationship may seem fine, but you have fundamentally different desires for your future, and eventually you'll have to make a choice. You can imagine your life without him, you just don't want to.

Your use of the word "dread" really struck me as someone who was once with a wonderful gentleman that I dreaded marrying. He was such a nice and loving guy and he really wanted to marry me, but I knew in my gut I'd end up having a passionate affair with the mailman at age 42.

Even if you aren't the marrying type, if the thought of being with someone for the rest of your life fills you with dread, they aren't the right long-tern partner for you. This is your gut telling you to free yourself. Listen to it. Long-term breakups are hard, but you deserve a relationship with someone you want to commit to, and he deserves a partner who wants him just as much.

The issue with your mutual friend is more complex. He may have feelings for you that he's never wanted to reveal out of respect. He may not be attracted to you. And he may really struggle with the idea of coming between friends. If you sincerely believe you would regret not telling him the rest of your life, then I think you should do it. But you have to be cognizant of the costs, including to your soon-to-be-ex and your entire friend group.

When I awkwardly acknowledged I kind-of had feelings for a coworker and felt uncomfortable about his flirting with me, I realized it could blow up my entire life. I had just broken it off with the wonderful gentleman (like you, I realized I was feeling strongly for someone else, which is reason enough to end things). And my coworker was in a very serious but very unstable relationship. It was the riskiest decision I ever made, but I knew I'd regret it forever if I didn't. And I thank God for it every day because we're now married and making it work. 

You are the only person who can decide what you want to do, but you owe it to yourself (and him) to let your current boyfriend go. It's not right to stay in a dying relationship out of fear. Being single is a hell of a lot better than lying awake full of dread.

Edited January 2, 2020 by lana-banana

[schlumpy]

Tell your current boyfriend what is going on. You are absolutely wasting his life, he doesn't know it and he needs to. It will then be his decision as to what path his life will take and not yours. I don't know what his decision will be but at least you will taken a small step towards recovering your own integrity. 

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, themfeels said:

"In the end we regret what we didn't do more than what we did do" keeps running around and around in my head, making me panic.

While it makes for a nice quotation, there are plenty of people who are now far too dead to tell you how wrong that sentiment sometimes is.

It sounds to me like you're not really ready yet to settle down and have a family. As people here will tell you (especially in the Infidelity/OM/OW sections) that other person always looks far better when you don't have to sleep through their snoring and haven't watched them puke into a toilet all night. GIGS. For most couples those giddy initial feelings eventually die down.

I've read that "settling" for pretty good is how many families actually get made. However, YOU sound like you have one foot out the door at all times. You'll have to sit down and decide what you REALLY want here. "Settling" is not the same as making a mistake that should have been foreseeable.

IF you decide to stick with this guy, do both of you the favor of fully committing to him.

[preraph]

You and the other guy are not "meant to be."  Neither are you and this guy.  It's entirely up to you, your partner, and the other guy to direct your own lives.  No one is pushing you together except yourselves.  

 

You are not ready to settle down and raise a family, and you don't ever have to be.  I never was.  You know that's what your current man wants (and probably what most men would want) and if you don't want that, you ought to let him know so he can find someone who does.  The grass is always greener, you know.   If you're happy with this guy, chances are you're better off with him if you can agree about not having a family. 

[stillafool]

Please let your current bf go.  Do not hold onto him just to have a man around.  Do the right thing and let him go.  You know you  don't love him or want what he wants - a family.  When you break up with him then you can chase the other guy for a relationship.

[FMW]

Don't stay with your boyfriend unless you love him as romantic and sexual partner.  Loving him as a great guy and friend isn't enough.  You're already being tempted by an attraction to someone else - not because the other guy is your soulmate but because you're missing that physical attraction with your boyfriend.  That desire for something more isn't going to go away, it will only strengthen. 

You don't base a relationship on sexual attraction alone, but it's still an important ingredient.    

[themfeels]

Thankyou everyone for your considered responses. I feel very confused, it's hard for me to think straight, I really can't tell what I want or how I feel. Any time I try to analyze my thoughts it doesn't work, I just end up more confused than before. I struggle to make even the most basic of decisions. Sometimes I feel happy with my life other times I feel like I want to drive into a tree. I think there is something wrong with my brain. I should probably seek professional help. I wish all of you the best

[Mr. Lucky]

12 hours ago, themfeels said:

I feel very confused, it's hard for me to think straight, I really can't tell what I want or how I feel.

You're conflating two separate issues.  Even in the best of relationships, we can become aware of our feelings for other people.  With good boundaries, those things go away.

But your lack of attachment to your BF is a whole different thing.  Successfully building a marriage and family requires a foundation of commitment to each other, lacking in your case.  You can only fool yourself - and him - for so long.  Time for a very honest conversation...

Mr. Lucky