Author Kev Mak Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Ellener said: I emigrated to the US on my then husband's visa, then we split up and I had to stay married to him for several years until we had green cards because he changed jobs and the applications had to be started over, so of course we kept trying to fix a relationship which never worked from day one, neither of us could move on. It was a mess. You are right to be reluctant, and people are telling me it's way harder to get permanent residency here now if you're American, it takes longer. I was really lucky as we relatively quickly got national interest waiver green cards, I don't even know if you can get them any more, but I do remember at one point as the marriage fell apart he was obnoxious to me and said if I didn't do what he said I'd have to leave the country and lose access to my son; he apologised afterwards and did not make good on his threats, but it could have been horrendous not just for us but our child. The start of a relationship I think if it's not fun and loving but she's depressed and futile, well that tells you there what your life's going to be like, ie. really difficult. Too difficult. Thanks for the story, makes me realise how visa things can also fester issues in the relationship and better to put them out in the open now rather than explode later. What has confused me is that we had the visa issue before, when she didn't know about her employer sponsoring. That was an actual time limit we had. Once we found out that her employer would sponsor her, it was great because now we had time. Now she's imposed this almost time limit again even though her employer is sponsoring her because she now changed and said she misses home, and told me it's a huge committment for her to be here. I said no, we had enough ups and downs, i want stability for 5 months before I can see a future. Thats when she accused me of testing her etc. I felt also that she would want some base stability also. I agree I think on one level the visa thing complicates it, but she has 2 more years given her employer is sponsoring her. Edited January 2, 2020 by Kev Mak Add comment
schlumpy Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 It would not be wise to marry based on the pressure and time constraints required by the SO. She should be trying convince you that your life would suffer without her in it and not talk about time tables, commitments and visas. She should be demonstrating what she can bring to the table and that a life together with you will be significantly better then apart. My wife was German and she did those things and I responded by asking her to marry me and she added value to my life. She never gave me an ultimatum and I think she would have let me go if I had not asked and that hurts just think about it but it is a measure of her strength of character. We filled out the paperwork required by the military and she was issued a green card which she kept for years while her parents were alive. When they died she applied for US citizenship and has now been a rabid American for more years then she was a German citizen. Lots of marriages work with a foreign partner. It just has to be the right one. 2
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Your main issue is that you haven't acknowledged that this isn't going to work for you. It's time. So what if she will go back home...let her. It's pretty obvious you are being used for her own benefit. You both can't work together as a team when she doesn't want to be a team player. Breaking up with someone that many times just proves that. If it don't feel right, then it's not. Let her go. 1
Caauug Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: It would not be wise to marry based on the pressure and time constraints required by the SO. She should be trying convince you that your life would suffer without her in it and not talk about time tables, commitments and visas. She should be demonstrating what she can bring to the table and that a life together with you will be significantly better then apart. Lots of marriages work with a foreign partner. It just has to be the right one. I think that time is gone for her and maybe missed by OP. it is down to desperate times for her. Over the years.... I have done what is required to help get people citizenship (always at work). I was (kind of) in the same boat, they were 457 and I was spouse sponsored so not really a "Boat". It didn't really matter we still had the same end goal. Most of them were leaving Africa and had no citizenship as they left there mother country to a 2 year employment visa. That was way beyond my concept at the time. I was commonwealth to commonwealth countries so easy as I could be duel national. I know it can be very stressful as more than once I have had to sit them down at work and explain "What ever happens I will do the most I can for you". And I did. What they (we) needed was a sure thing, something or someone to lean on. To be there when everything else is gone. To be a ROCK when our life was in complete turmoil, and it is when changing countries. My immigration was easy, thanks to my wife. She stuck with me through thick and thin. She was my ROCK. 1
Author Kev Mak Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Caauug said: I think that time is gone for her and maybe missed by OP. it is down to desperate times for her. Over the years.... I have done what is required to help get people citizenship (always at work). I was (kind of) in the same boat, they were 457 and I was spouse sponsored so not really a "Boat". It didn't really matter we still had the same end goal. Most of them were leaving Africa and had no citizenship as they left there mother country to a 2 year employment visa. That was way beyond my concept at the time. I was commonwealth to commonwealth countries so easy as I could be duel national. I know it can be very stressful as more than once I have had to sit them down at work and explain "What ever happens I will do the most I can for you". And I did. What they (we) needed was a sure thing, something or someone to lean on. To be there when everything else is gone. To be a ROCK when our life was in complete turmoil, and it is when changing countries. My immigration was easy, thanks to my wife. She stuck with me through thick and thin. She was my ROCK. I'm sorry but when someone asks and discusses a big a thing as citizenship they don't and shouldn't say things like "are you testing me?" My perspective is that commitment should be followed by healthy discussion and a healthy relationship not guilt tripping. After all she is the one who moved to this country, so fast tracking something that could affect both of us, possibly any kids we have, families, and any money, without the relationship being stable (which I've clearly realised it's not) is really paramount, what I've realised from this is not a period of time where we are stable, but for HER to want to be stable, if she chooses to go back then LDR might be better. I, certainly don't want any kids I have to be in a dysfunctional household. We have improved like I said, but again, that will take time to prove. What i came here for was to understand if that is stable, to nearly breakup so many times, clearly not, and please dont misconstrue, the breaking up has been two way as well. Edited January 2, 2020 by Kev Mak Delete comment
preraph Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Well, if she's only here on a visa, at some point unless she gets married ( I assume that will work but don't know where you live) at some point she will have to live in a different country, so are you willing to go with her? If not, I don't see how this is going to work. Two years' visa isn't enough stability for me to marry anyone. I think she may be simply pressing for marriage so she can get citizenship. If you are not ready to marry her, there is no theory under which you should marry her, period.
lurker74 Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 On 1/1/2020 at 5:17 PM, Kev Mak said: ...she says she is being locked in to one employer for 2 years and that because she doesn't have anyone here she misses home and that's why she feels it's a big commitment on her part. I would call the FBI or whatever the main authority in your country is because I cannot believe that in 2020, slavery or indentured servitude exists! That is, I suppose, if she is in fact not allowed to quit in less than 2 years if things don't work out or she can't stand it any longer. In other words, the deadline she is giving you is arbitrary. You should never bow to an arbitrary deadline, in relationships or otherwise.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 5 hours ago, lurker74 said: I would call the FBI or whatever the main authority in your country is because I cannot believe that in 2020, slavery or indentured servitude exists! That is, I suppose, if she is in fact not allowed to quit in less than 2 years if things don't work out or she can't stand it any longer. In other words, the deadline she is giving you is arbitrary. You should never bow to an arbitrary deadline, in relationships or otherwise. No she actually has to do the 2 years with the same employer, her employer is good, gives her every other weekend 3 days off. Decent wage, friendly, just a little fast paced. If she hates it so much and wishes to quit her job she has to go back to her country. So yes, the deadline to ask me to commit more now, is arbitrary, she can choose to take her employer visa then quit in a years time if she hates it so much.
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