Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) Hi My gf and I have been dating for over a year. Through that Time we have nearly broken up about 5 times total, 4 times from me and once from her. My main issue is that while I do find some real basis for our relationship to move on, I want some stability. I, personally think it's healthy while dating to have atleast 4-6 months of stability before even considering further steps like marriage or talking about a future. We have another issue being that her visa expires fairly quickly in 5 Months. Her employer Is sponsoring her but she says she wants to see commitment from me that involves knowing that I see a future together, I have said that effectively means seeing marriage together which I can't say right now, I said I think it's fair to want stability given we nearly broke up 2 months ago. I said that I can't give a commitment level of marriage, thinking about building finances together etc unless we are atleast stable for 4-6months. She never has said she wants the same level of stability and says that she will decline her employer sponsoring her and will go back to her home country. Tldr: gf is committing to doing employer visa for 2 years, I don't see a future unless we have no near breakups for atleast 4 or 5 months (nearly broke up 2 months ago). She then says she will decline employer visa And go back home, leaving us to decide a long distance relationship. I feel she Should want to be stable first before committing to the future. We have broken up about 5 times in over a year of dating. Edited January 1, 2020 by Kev Mak Title change
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Any woman in 2019 who is pressing you into marriage definitely does not have your best interests in mind; marriage is the most legally significant endeavor you will make in your entire life, she should of thought about her Visa expiring when you two broke up, do not marry this person.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 She doesn't want marriage right now, she is effectively saying that if she goes through with her employer visa (which lasts 2 years)she wants to see that I am committed to a future together (which basically means marriage in my eyes), I have said that I can't see that unless issues in the relationship are and can be resolved, namely near breakups don't happen for atleast 4 to 6 months.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 Mearly broke up once because of a small fight over me saying "go away don't want to talk right now" where she left my place. Another time because she was actually being manipulative about her visa, called her out saying I won't be doing that and we should break up. She agreed she was being manipulative and we moved on. The last time was because she was going through mental issues, but said she both couldnt handle a relationship and that she thought we were different people.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) Nearly broke up once because of a small fight over me saying "go away don't want to talk right now" where she left my place. Another time because she was actually being manipulative about her visa, called her out saying I won't be doing that and we should break up. She agreed she was being manipulative and we moved on. The last time was because she was going through mental issues, but said she both couldnt handle a relationship and that she thought we were different people. (This was 2.5months ago) I basically said enough is enough, no more commitment till we see some stability. I think what I'm trying to glean from this forum is that if a relationship has nearly broken up 4 times, is that normal? And if i feel it's worth salvaging, is 6 months of stability much to ask? Edited January 1, 2020 by Kev Mak Change of idea
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Why have you broken up so many times? I would like to know this as well. OP, you are being very reasonable provided your reasons for breaking up were reasonable. Even if not, YOU must have had YOUR own reasons that you felt were concerning enough to break it off. But why get back together? Hmmmmm.... If your reason(s) are fundamental to the stability of any relationship, your relationship, will it change if you two are engaged or married? Also, I cannot help injecting the possibility that her foreign status has a lot to do with your need to rush into marriage. Frankly would never get involved with anyone who is not a citizen of my own country for obvious reasons. I have known too many people whose relationships became nightmares after the deed was done...the true intentions came out.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 This relationship is too riddled with problems to go the distance, OP. You are smart to avoid committing yourself to it. It’s not the stuff of marriage.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 She is also saying now that if she doesn't see that commitment to future, she will go back to her country. Her idea was that she would take an employer visa for 2 years, after which I'd have to decide if I'd like to live in her home country for a year or so.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, Kev Mak said: She is also saying now that if she doesn't see that commitment to future, she will go back to her country. Her idea was that she would take an employer visa for 2 years, after which I'd have to decide if I'd like to live in her home country for a year or so. Threats... Why not take the 2-yr employer visa? Continue with the relationship to see if it does result in more...marriage? Why isn't that an option for her? 5
Noproblem Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) She is trying to force you using fear tactics. Edited January 1, 2020 by Noproblem
Author Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 5 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Threats... Why not take the 2-yr employer visa? Continue with the relationship to see if it does result in more...marriage? Why isn't that an option for her? That is exactly what I'm saying and feels more reasonable, she says she is being locked in to one employer for 2 years and that because she doesn't have anyone here she misses home and that's why she feels it's a big commitment on her part. I said unfortunately that shouldn't override the health of the relationship. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, Kev Mak said: That is exactly what I'm saying and feels more reasonable, she says she is being locked in to one employer for 2 years and that because she doesn't have anyone here she misses home and that's why she feels it's a big commitment on her part. I said unfortunately that shouldn't override the health of the relationship. Ah, understood. She must be miserable at that job, no? Regardless, your wanting to fix the problems that have resulted in multiple break-ups is wise. Would you share what they are?
Author Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Ah, understood. She must be miserable at that job, no? Regardless, your wanting to fix the problems that have resulted in multiple break-ups is wise. Would you share what they are? I think that at times she was miserable but I guess we all are at some stage. She is early in her career, and honestly I have met the people she works with and they seem generally great. The primary problems are how when I discuss an issue in the relationship she questions my commitment to the entire relationship itself, if I bring up something like hey I need more time before I can say i want to commit long term, she immediately asks me "are you testing me?" I've said I'm not going any further as I don't feel comfortable discussing a relationship issue without her questioning mynoverally love for her. It generally feels like she's going to do what she wants and she's not keen on addressing it, and if I do bring it up then she questions the whole thing, hence me not being able to move any further as we are jot really working together. Edited January 1, 2020 by Kev Mak Add comments
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, Kev Mak said: I think that at times she was miserable but I guess we all are at some stage. She is early in her career, and honestly I have met the people she works with and they seem generally great. The primary problems are how when I discuss an issue in the relationship she questions my commitment to the entire relationship itself, if I bring up something like hey I need more time before I can say i want to commit long term, she immediately asks me "are you testing me?" I've said I'm not going any further as I don't feel comfortable discussing a relationship issue without her questioning mynoverally love for her. It generally feels like she's going to do what she wants and she's not keen on addressing it, and if I do bring it up then she questions the whole thing, hence me not being able to move any further as we are jot really working together. More manipulation and emotional control. I feel that she is more interested in her citizenship than the relationship. I am not saying that she does not have feelings for you, but she is looking out for number one right now...her. Tread very very carefully. As a last ditched effort, I would re-emphasize your need for time and why working for another 2 years and also working on the relationship is not a viable option. It sounds like it should be.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 Thanks very very much, I really really appreciate the replies here, I think I've gotten back some of my sanity and have atleast been able to confirm I'm not being unreasonable for wanting more time to have a feeling of committing to someone for decades. I've told her that I don't want to see her go, but I can't say I'd be at a level of commitment without facing and resolving the actual problems in the relationship.
schlumpy Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Go to couples counseling and see if you can't find your answer there.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) I think I'm not keen on counselling already, I feel if we already know what's wrong it's really about working together to make that change, which requires analysis such as I've described. I think going from each step of the relationship she does often bring up things like how we'd be when we are married and If I say anything that might insinuate we wont get married she immediately considers my committment suspect. Which ib turb makes me think, why even date if you just want someone to committ at all costs. Edited January 2, 2020 by Kev Mak Add comment
Caauug Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: More manipulation and emotional control. I feel that she is more interested in her citizenship than the relationship. I am not saying that she does not have feelings for you, but she is looking out for number one right now...her. Yes you are so right Gr8 she is looking out for number one, she has to be as OP is not looking out for her. OP is doing as your instructions and looking out for himself. You have broken up 5 times in the last year? When are you going to give up and find someone more suited? Why are you putting yourself through this so many times? Please do yourself a favour and let her go and stop wasting time. I have (kind of) been in her shoes, except I did not miss my home country and it would have been hard for me to go back at the time. What people your GF needs are people that will be there for her solid as a ROCK, have faith in her, be beside her in thick and thin. It is a major move to leave one's home country and some times for good and for ever. Depends if she can be duel national not all countries allow it. OP you are not her ROCK, let her go.
kendahke Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 4 hours ago, Kev Mak said: She never has said she wants the same level of stability and says that she will decline her employer sponsoring her and will go back to her home country. Then let her decline her employer and let her go back to her home country. She wants a green card, not a relationship with you. Big difference.
mortensorchid Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Huh ... Reading about all the things that have gone on before is ... Not good. Are you one of those people who just likes to create trouble or problems when there are otherwise none to be seen? Seems like you are the one with the issues if you have broken up with her 4x already. I suggest for both of you that you should end things ASAP and save both of you more depression, anger and hard feelings. You seem like you want things to work but they ... Just aren't. Good luck.
Author Kev Mak Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 30 minutes ago, Caauug said: Yes you are so right Gr8 she is looking out for number one, she has to be as OP is not looking out for her. OP is doing as your instructions and looking out for himself. You have broken up 5 times in the last year? When are you going to give up and find someone more suited? Why are you putting yourself through this so many times? Please do yourself a favour and let her go and stop wasting time. I have (kind of) been in her shoes, except I did not miss my home country and it would have been hard for me to go back at the time. What people your GF needs are people that will be there for her solid as a ROCK, have faith in her, be beside her in thick and thin. It is a major move to leave one's home country and some times for good and for ever. Depends if she can be duel national not all countries allow it. OP you are not her ROCK, let her go. I think fundamentally what has pushed me away is if I have ever brought up an issue in the relationship it has always been about questioning my committment, it's never been about us vs the problem it's me seeing a problem and bringing it up then her going me= not committed or not loving her. The best example is prior to when she knew her employer was sponsoring her, she asked me if I would do partner visa 6 months into the relationship, I said no, and she accused me of not loving her, I said that was manipulation and she agreed. Now we've moved on from that then 4 months down the track she said she wanted to break up with me and I said ok part of that breakup was due to her own mental problems. (This was 2.5 months ago). Now she has said that because her employer is sponsoring her she changed her mind a bit and is missing home and wants to go back, and that I need to decide quickly if I want to have a future with her, I said I can't do that since you wanted to break up only 2.5 months ago.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 What sort of mental issues does she have? It very much sounds like she’s trying to get permanent residency/citizenship in your country and is using emotional manipulation to do so. Let her go back to her own county if she chooses. The chances that this relationship would work out are incredibly slim anyway. There’s too much chaos and instability. 1
Author Kev Mak Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: What sort of mental issues does she have? It very much sounds like she’s trying to get permanent residency/citizenship in your country and is using emotional manipulation to do so. Let her go back to her own county if she chooses. The chances that this relationship would work out are incredibly slim anyway. There’s too much chaos and instability. She has had a few issues of feeling quite depressed/ futility of life etc. She has come out of it in the last month or so but I have again said I need that time to see us improve together . Which I feel is fair given everything, fundamentally from what I see in the comments is that : - nearly breaking up so much is not normal - asking for more time (4+ months without so much as a hint of the relationship being questioned) before committing is a reasonable request for stability. If it doesn't work out after that it's probably the best for both of us
Ellener Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 I emigrated to the US on my then husband's visa, then we split up and I had to stay married to him for several years until we had green cards because he changed jobs and the applications had to be started over, so of course we kept trying to fix a relationship which never worked from day one, neither of us could move on. It was a mess. You are right to be reluctant, and people are telling me it's way harder to get permanent residency here now if you're American, it takes longer. I was really lucky as we relatively quickly got national interest waiver green cards, I don't even know if you can get them any more, but I do remember at one point as the marriage fell apart he was obnoxious to me and said if I didn't do what he said I'd have to leave the country and lose access to my son; he apologised afterwards and did not make good on his threats, but it could have been horrendous not just for us but our child. The start of a relationship I think if it's not fun and loving but she's depressed and futile, well that tells you there what your life's going to be like, ie. really difficult. Too difficult.
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