Miss Spider Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) I broke up with my boyfriend a little while ago. I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore. Based on my previous relationships, telling him this didn’t seem like an option. One night he stayed the he night with a mutual friend’s house in a snowstorm. He was honest about it, texting me throughout, but I twisted it for an out. I was waiting for something, even minor, to give me an out. I know it sounds horrible and I feel remorse for it. Since, he has been begging me and making me feel extremely guilty. And I know I should. Yes, I should have told him I just didn’t want to be with him, but I think the same outcome would happen. He has been saying he doesn’t understand and he’s heartbroken and just generally making me feel terrible. He’s been begging me to talk but I’ve remained radio silent. so I ask, since there is nothing left for me to say, is it morally ok to block him. I have a few of his things and I am thinking of dropping them off at his doorstep soon when he will be gone Breakups are a nightmare. I truly doubt I will ever enter into a relationship again. Not worth it. Edited January 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I He was honest about it, texting me throughout, but I twisted it for an out. I was waiting for something, even minor, to give me an out. I know it sounds horrible and I feel remorse for it. You should! Just be honest with the poor guy. 4 1
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 He's continuing to pursue you because you weren't honest about the reason for the breakup. He thinks if he can get you to understand what happened (or didn't) that night, you will reconcile. Tell him the truth - that you don't feel there is a future with him regardless of the night in question. Give him his stuff and wish him well. 7 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) Okay fine. But I really don’t think telling him will make it any easier. Before this, I got out of a relationship with a guy by ending it with him one night. I told him I just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He went on and on, asking me how I could “fake it” up until that point (Like I was supposed to act bitchy to him?) and completely blind side him. He said there has to be a reason and we can fix it blah blah. He said love just doesn’t disappear for no reason. He cried and sent me videos of him crying and other disturbing stuff Then, a month and a half later I started dating this guy, who is a distant acquaintance of his. He told people I must have cheated with this guy and left him for him. He said my excuse that I just fell out of love was bs. He also stole my puppy we got together that he originally let me keep out of my yard, Now this guy.... Every time I offered him his stuff he said no. He said that we’re worth more. I will tell him but I think the reason, if you guys think it will help. Not that it should matter. I just want to move on. And never, under any circumstances, enter into a relationship again Edited January 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: And never, under any circumstances, enter into a relationship again Well, that's just silly. Just tell him, "I hate that this will hurt your feelings, but I have just lost romantic feelings for you. It wasn't anything you did wrong. I'm firm about this and will not change my mind." You don't need to justify yourself even if he says you do. This is a lot kinder than you accusing him of wrong-doing when he did nothing wrong that night with the snow. 3 1
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 18 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I will tell him but I think the reason, if you guys think it will help. I think it will help him but, more importantly, it will help you. There is something to be said for acting with honesty and kindness. If he chooses not accept your words, that's on him. 6 1
FMW Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 I agree with Cautiouslyoptimistic. Tell him the truth about your loss of interest. Since he thinks you broke up with him over something that can be fixed if he can convince you of his side of the story, he's going to keep trying. I know you had a bad experience with saying something similar to someone else, but I don't think you should let that make you opt for not being truthful in the future when it's more convenient for you. And unless you are happy with your only non-platonic interactions with men being ONS, then you're going to have to learn to roll with the uncomfortable parts of deeper connections - like having to call an end to things when you see you aren't interested in continuing. 4 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 “If I ever meant anything to you..” I copy and pasted what you said, CO, and he said if he ever meant anything to me I will meet him in person to discuss things and that doing it this way is making him feel worthless... Can this just be over now
preraph Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Yeah, now block him. He didn't respect your decision. 2 1
stillafool Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Can this just be over now When you Block him it will be over. What are you waiting for? 1 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: “If I ever meant anything to you..” I copy and pasted what you said, CO, and he said if he ever meant anything to me I will meet him in person to discuss things and that doing it this way is making him feel worthless... Can this just be over now He thinks he can change your mind. He might even think you, being a girl and all, don't know your own mind and what you really want. I don't typically block people, but if he won't leave you alone, go ahead. 2 1
Beachead Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) Hey Cookiesandough, You have every right to end a relationship. No one can fault you for that. But.. Being the dumper, I'm sure this decision didn't just come to you overnight. You probably started feeling something off about the relationship in advance. Over time that feeling just worsened until you reached your limit and called it quits. I bet you probably wrestled with the decision a little wondering if you were making the right call or not. Whatever it is, you've had time to think about it, while he likely didn't (Because he didn't know). This affords you a head-start on healing. Also, being you initiated the breakup, you are leading it. You know why you wanted to end it and you know exactly why you don't want to work it out. While you're 90% over this, he is starting out at 0%. He's shocked and at the mercy of your lead. To him, he doesn't likely doesn't understand how, why or where this is coming from. Doesn't matter if you explain it to him or not, it'll take him about a year to see what you already know right now. But right now, he's still in the state of mind that things can be sorted out, because he sees a future with you. He wants to realize that future so he is looking for solutions. This isn't to make you feel badly but to give you an understanding that being dropped can be overwhelming and confusing. You need to be sensitive to where he is coming from while at the same time, respectful to yourself and what you want and need. I know its a difficult thing to remember..but this guy has nothing to do with your previous relationships or how they ended. Don't project what you went through in those relationships, onto him. Its not fair to him. If you get into a relationship, then understand you have a certain degree of responsibility towards how you handle the other person's heart. And that responsibility is especially important when you are ending it. You guys both got into this together, you guys both worked on your relationship together, and you end it together. That's respect. That's love. So tell him the truth and then tell him you have to block him so that the both of you guys can move on. He might not like it, he might get angry and say something ridiculous out of pain.but I'll tell you, if he's a quality person, he will come to respect you for it in the long-run. There won't be anything him, his friends or his family can say about the way you ended it because it was respectful. After that, what he chooses to do is on him. - Beach Edited January 3, 2020 by Beachead 5 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 19, 2020 Author Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) My ex has been using emotional terrorism against me I haven’t been updating, but after I blocked, this story wasn’t over. I realized I had a ton of stuff I left over at his place where I had been practically living. Some stuff was irreplaceable. I was prepared to let it go though. It was worth it to not have to deal with it. However, he contacted me on FB messenger. He was talking about how he hasn’t eaten, hasn’t slept, his parents are worried about him, etc. He gave me screenshots of him telling that girl who asked him for weed again “No, Even though nothing happened that night I smoked you out, but it bothered my girlfriend, so please don’t contact me again. I can’t help you .” She just replies “oh ok” He said he just doesn’t understand why I’m doing this to him. Basically just making me feel bad AF. So I let him call me. On the phone, I explained again that it is me, not him. I just didn’t feel it. Every time I would say I can’t see him again he would start to get hysterical. He would go “no please no you can’t” in a tearful voice. And cry. It freaked me. I hate doing that to someone. I tried to be stern as much as it hurt. I asked him if I could please have my things. If he would just leave them outside his door. He said he just wants to meet one last time for closure because he felt he deserves that. I said “maybe. I don’t know when though, and please don’t message me” I don’t know what I was expecting. He had never been to my house because I stay with my folks while I’m in school and they wouldn’t have approved on him. He only knew my school hours. He came to my school again. This time he left a bouquet of calla Lillies ( my favorite flower) and a rose with a very painful note attached at my car in the lot. I don’t know if he left or was lurking. The note said he was respecting my request to be left alone. Not. I never gave him my address, but he does know where I live(google, presumably) and it scares me. Right now, he seems unstable. He said he doesn’t know how he’d survive and got very emotional. I know people tend to catastrophize at first after a break, but he seems to not understand I have 0 interest in being with him. I feel ill about this whole thing. Very nervous and sad. I am probably catastrophizing too. Thank you for reading. Edited January 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) I don't think you are catastrophizing (he sounds unstable and obsessed), but I do think you should take this as a serious lesson about how you string men along and play with their emotions by NOT being honest with them (or maybe even yourself) about your feelings and intentions. This is what it leads to. You really have to stop entering into these interactions with men based on your own ego being fed and instead use your intellect (and compassion for them) more.....you really need to be thinking "do I see us going the distance, and if not what should I be sure NOT to say to lead him to believe I do?" You seem to have serious trouble drawing this line and need to tell yourself it's OK to not just tell the guys what they want to hear in order to have your own ego (and maybe theirs) fed! If you continue on this path you've been on I really think something bad is going to happen to you someday becuase you really do lead men on. Edited January 19, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic 3 1
Author Miss Spider Posted January 19, 2020 Author Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) Thank you, cautiously. I know that I do take things too far and all it takes is one wrong person for things to go very bad. You’re probably right about why I do it, but I have noticed I also sometimes have people pleaser qualities and I hate letting people down. I’m working on drawing more boundaries. Also finding other things to do when I am bored or lonely, instead of turning to dating. Thanks again. Edited January 19, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Noproblem Posted January 19, 2020 Posted January 19, 2020 (edited) I just feel you are very fickle, you don't need to be in a relationship right away after breaking up, also you just can't end it without solid reason and expect people will be ok with it! Always give closure! You can't just say I stopped loving you. How, why, what happened, people need to know and they will try to convince you. But you just don't wake up one day and say oh, Bye! but actually you didn't say bye! You just fought with him and then left. People have feelings and they get hurt, and they can't let go easily. If you don't like the guy 100%, don't be with him, don't give your stuff, why your stuff is at his house? Go to his place and take your stuff back with you.. Don't just any guy who is interested and look cute, no stalk his social media, know the people he surrounds himself with, and know what kind of family he comes from. If he is surrounded by losers, and all they do is smoking week and drinking and partying and comes from a dysfunctional family with no goals or anything, then sure, he'll cry when you leave him... Also block this guy everywhere, he is crazy! Are you by any chance Gemini or any fire/air signs.? Edited January 19, 2020 by Noproblem 1 1
scooby-philly Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 I love posters that cherry pick the responses that let them off the hook. OP - I'm not going to weigh in on this guy. It's a one-sided discussion with only your opinion and thoughts. HE could be crazy, he could be needy, he could be a lot of things. But your post does not suggest that you are respectful or understanding of what a mature, adult relationship involves. People split all the time. It happens. If you want to be a decent person, then if YOU decide to break things off, you need to be honest with the person. Even a nice, caring, mature man will still feel crushed if not given a straight goddam answer. And more importantly, as my buddy Beachead pointed out - if you FELT things for a while and didn't share them with him, didn't talk, didn't give him an opportunity to help address them, then you are not ready for a mature, healthy relationship . What do you think will happen when you get married, have kids, have a career? Put yourself in his shoes? Would you want your husband of 10 years walking out on you simply because he "felt" like it - but never gave you any signs or brought up what was bothering him? I'm not advocating what you should do in this situation because I'm sure there's a lot more detail you need to share and I'm not going to weigh in with an opinion. But with all due respect, if you want to find a mature, happy, healthy man - remember - respect and love goes both ways. 3 2
Funktionull Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) Don't try to pass off your own cowardice and reluctance to be honest as you trying to spare someone's feelings. It isn't your job to make someone ok with it, your only responsibility is to be honest and forthright. You can't allow their reaction to be their problem if you don't do that. Yes.. please block him. Not for you, but for him. In fact, I'm in agreement with you on never being in a relationship again. At least not until you have figured out the fundamentals of common courtesy and adulthood. Edited January 20, 2020 by Funktionull 1 1
Funktionull Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 On 1/2/2020 at 5:58 PM, stillafool said: When you Block him it will be over. What are you waiting for? More attention I would guess. 1
Silver_star Posted January 20, 2020 Posted January 20, 2020 If you ever felt anything for this guy just block him, don't respond and let him have time and space to get over you. It's not harsh, it is actually kinder at this point because you can't give him any closure or words that would make him feel better, and you arent going to get back with him out of guilt, nor should you. You responding to him and his emotions right now is serving your ego, but not doing him any favors, even if he thinks it is. You say it makes you sick, but think of it logically...if he stops getting to see you/talk about it with you than he can start to heal and move on. Since you are already over him, be the bigger person and do the right thing. Closure is not something that is always given. You might not even have any for him...doesn't sound like you do. He deserves to heal and move on, and you say that is what you want...so block him, stop responding, throw out the flowers. One day, in the not too distant future he will be over you. Maybe take some time to yourself to figure out what you actually want and need in your life right now, maybe it's not a relationship. 2 1
Author Miss Spider Posted February 22, 2020 Author Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) This is more a rant,. It’s not so much about this ex, but my ex, but my ex prior to him who I will call Ex 1. Ex 1 and this ex used to be friends. I started dating him after I broke up with Ex 1 and they stopped being friends . I broke up with both because I lost interest. Anyway, , I am currently talking to another guy who is acquainted with Ex 1, mostly because he is friends with Ex 1’s sister and brother in law who own a live music venue they all play at often. Ex 1s sister is a total b**** who hates me. This guy I’m dating asked her husband if next Saturday he can bring me to the venue for a party and he said “You can but Lauren(ex 1s sister’s name) will not be happy about it lol” Then I found out she told a mutual friend “Jon asked my husband if she can come and I told him that it’s legally we can’t say no but no one will talk to her and no one will serve her at the bar ” She said “I don’t understand why he wants to bring her. No one wants her there” What a b****cake. And I did NOTHING to her other than break up with her brother like half a year ago and she is still so salty over it. She is mad I took a gift of a Grecian dress and some expensive earrings before the break up. I had no choice but to act normal. She said I was using her brother. So I snapped and told her she knows nothing about me and needs to stay in her lane. Get. Over. It. She also called me a benzo Barbie and falsely accused me of stealing Xanax out of her cabinet when my brother and her were dating. She’s the benzo head. Maybe she should ask one of the several strangers coming in and out of her home all the time who do coke and s***. Ugh I’m so angry. 6 months and still with this sh*** Edited February 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough
kendahke Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) I'd put him on block on everything and move forward. He doesn't live close enough to you to be showing up where you hang out, does he? Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke 1
kendahke Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: And I did NOTHING to her other than break up with her brother like half a year ago and she is still so salty over it. She is mad I took a gift of a Grecian dress and some expensive earrings before the break up. And you're surprised? Blood is thicker than water. She doesn't appreciate you hurting her brother. Best thing you can do in the future is to set guys down the way in which you'd appreciate being set down. I'd leave everyone in the circle alone and drop your line in another body of water. Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke 1
preraph Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 I think you might out to just let him know that it wasn't just that one thing and that you had been feeling detached from him for awhile and that a breakup was inevitable. Then if he persists, which he will, block him.
FMW Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 Pretty par for the course I'd say. Regardless of whether or not you think you did anything wrong, it's not unusual that the family of someone you break up with might not be happy to have you around and might even trash talk you. If you are going to hang out with this other guy it probably should be somewhere other than a venue owned by the ex's family. 1
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