thecrucible Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 Hello all, any advice on keeping feelings under wraps in dating? I went out with someone last night, an old friend I used to have (still have) a crush on. It’s been three months since I broke up with my ex so I don’t think I’m on the rebound...but I already feel butterflies even though it’s only been a few hours on one evening. It’s kind of ridiculous as I might not see him again and he might not feel the same. I wonder if I just feel this way because it’s the first time I’ve been out with a man in a while? I’m trying to distract myself and chill out On the positive side, it has provided a kind of epiphany about my last relationship.
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 Rebound or not, that you only know the real answer. Do you still miss your ex? Do you still have feelings for your ex? Usually 3 months isn't a very long time but everyone processes break-ups differently. I'd say before you complicate things for this "old friend" of yours is ask yourself what is it that you want from him and if you're ready for anything more, if you're not ready for more then you might as well slow it down by going out less with him or making it clear to him that you're not into relationships. Your "old" friend has a partner? Does he like you? Things can get complicated quite quickly so think of all the possible outcomes based on your current state of mind and emotions. Best Regards
Author thecrucible Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 @Kaarek - I don’t think I miss the ex anymore but I haven’t been in a rush to find anyone else. I was unhappy for a long time in the relationship and we were off and on. I’ve been focussing on myself and enjoying my job these past few months. He doesn’t have a partner. He’s like me - three months post break-up. We aren’t close friends but used to work together. I hadn’t seen him in years before I saw him last night. I suppose I feel a strong attraction but my head says “don’t be ridiculous”. I’m just out of practice in terms of keeping perspective so after sleeping on it, I’m now thinking “this doesn’t mean anything except that I find him attractive”. I’m not afraid to get into anything. I’m thinking I have to assume he’s not interested as it’s safer than thinking that he is for my own sanity. Thanks for your thoughts
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 I would personally say to keep in touch and occasionally hang out but not extremely often unless you both feel the urge to do so. When you see that you both tend to want on meeting more often and be around each other, then it's very important to have "the talk" as they call it and put the cards on the table of what really one expects from each other. You're attracted to him but you don't really know if he is as well therefore in order to avoid future disappointments going at a slow pace it'll be the safest path for both of you. Give yourself more time and you'll eventually notice at some point if you "miss" that closeness you once had with a partner. Best Regards
Author thecrucible Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 @Kaarek Thank you. It’s maybe because it’s only the second guy I’ve been into since the ex. Usually when I start off with the interest, it goes wrong. Yes time will tell. The hardest part is texting which I suck at but I’ll hopefully know when to call it if it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. I’ve had many like that before but for some reason I feel anxious. It’s totally dumb but I think I’ve been quite emotional this year. I mean I don’t really know him that well so why am I getting my knickers in a twist? Wait I know what it is...it’s the texting nightmare and all the associated angst.
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 You'd be surprised but many times most of our emotions are self-triggered and we tend to think it's because of external happenings when in reality we are the ones stimulating them constantly! I'm sure you'll find the right balance, don't you worry! Best Regards
Miss Spider Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Omgosh the butterflies are the best part, though!!!
Author thecrucible Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 @Cookiesandough - totally. It’s just trying to control them so I don’t over invest in anyone and it doesn’t interfere with my life haha. I’m not even conscious of it.
Author thecrucible Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 On 12/31/2019 at 11:46 PM, Kaarek said: You'd be surprised but many times most of our emotions are self-triggered and we tend to think it's because of external happenings when in reality we are the ones stimulating them constantly! I'm sure you'll find the right balance, don't you worry! Best Regards Thank you. Yes I know what you mean. Dating can make me feel vulnerable. It’s the texting and overanalysing what I’m writing etc and thinking I have to come up with something really witty. I drive myself mad. I have social anxiety which might have something to do with it.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 Once you've developed your confidence to the point that you're solid and strong on your own, this kind of anxiety goes away. It's a process. We're all works in progress. It took me until now, my early 40s to begin to feel TRULY strong and happy all on my own. Magically, that's when my ideal man appeared in my life. One of the biggest problems plaguing humanity is that the majority of people feel, for one reason or another, that they're not good enough. But the truth is you're more than good enough, you're beautiful, you're wonderful, you have so much to offer even with all your flaws (we all have many flaws). Once you truly realize this and embrace it, life is golden
Author thecrucible Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 Thanks @RubySlippers Yeah I need to invest less in what a guy thinks. Basically meeting this guy tomorrow but I’m not really sure what to expect. Haha I’m probably stronger than I think but it’s that sense of the unknown. And I already know him as I worked with him way back. So it’s that kind of “is it really a date?” scenario. We’ve been texting a bit and a bit of flirting over the last three days. I’m pretty okay on my own and not bombarding the dude but this happens to some extent with any guy I like, even during a period of time when I was single for six years. I’m doing well in my career and have a social life though. I guess I ought to be strong and just trust the process that anyone not right for me would just be weeded out in time haha 1
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