help??

[Deserted and Lost]

Hi

I just found this site, and I am looking for guidance or something..

 

2 weeks ago last friday, my husband went to workout at the gym in our community.. when he came back, he was in an odd mood and I realized that he was drunk.. He got very upset when I asked him if he was drinking, and proceed to tell me that he wanted to Separate for 4 weeks. He would not tell me why.. At that point (2am) he walked out of our home and left..

We have been married for 5.5 years, together for almost 7 and friends for over 10 years, we have a little boy that will be 4 in less than 30 days.

 

I was not aware of anything being wrong with our relationship, we were "happy". We were looking for a new home to purchase up until that day..

our realtor was shocked..

 

We work together, (basically self-employeed) and we have since we met, we changed careers together.

When he left, he went to his brothers house.. (rich, older, single brother)

He doesnt come to work.

He calls alot, says hes coming to work but never shows..

My situation:

when he left.. We both work in a commission only industry, we recently relocated our office, and had little to no income for several months..

we are just now starting to make some income..

I didnt have much money in our account, due to paying bills, and food etc..

I was basically left with no money, a car that barely runs, our child cant go to daycare because I cant pay for him to go, so my mom is helping out but she is in her mid 70's.. I can only do so much of our work, due to volume, and I am loosing a lot of biz, the property that we live at now is a lease, and there was an agreement made, that since the landlord refused to repair our A/C unit, he would take our security deposit of 2 months, and our last month rent as payment for the remainder of our lease.. so my husband knows we have to be out by Oct 30..

 

After he left, he was calling me a million times a day, then after about a week he said we needed to talk.. which consisted of him getting a laptop from the house, saying Hi to our son for 30 seconds, and grabbing a few shirts, and pants, and a pair of shoes.. He didnt take all of his stuff???

He said that he needs his space so he can think about things.. He said that he still loves me and our child. He said that he will come to work, etc.

 

He called to talk to us, and told us that he wanted to take us to the beach..

Saturday... Sat came and left, and he called to say he would take us the next day.. Sun.. came and left, he was sorry he was busy.

Monday, he calls, very depressed, and crying, and asked for me to go by where he is staying at. I went there, and we wound up sleeping together. Later that evening he calls, and asks for me to bring our son to see him..

so I brought our son there, and they played till our boy fell asleep and then he asked me to sleep over..

I left early the next morning, due to work..

He called me quite a few times over the next few days, and then last Thursday, he came to work.. all he did was cry.. he called me late thurs night, and said he would call me Fri, to go with me to our sons audiology exam. Friday, he cancelled.. I was left to bring my son to the audiology exam and learn that he has a loss of hearing in one ear, by myself.

My husband called later that day, and to him it was no big deal.. the doctor will fix it..???

 

Sometimes I call him and he takes my calls, and other times he doesnt.. I can leave a message for him, and nothing..

 

I didnt hear from him anymore..

Last Saturday, I went to go buy milk for my son, and I found a letter pasted to the door that wound up being an "Eviction Notice". It looked very official to me at that point, and I called my husband, and told him about it.. I was crying and at this point I was feeling like I was going to have a breakdown..

He told me that he would arrange for a place to stay for us, he said that I am being overly stressed by this..

 

I did not hear from him again until Sunday, he told me to bring our son to see him.. He is 40 mins away.. I drove there, and he was not there, I waited 20 mins or so, nothing.. my little boy was in tears for hours.. He asks everyday about daddy, where is he, why wont he come home.. ??

 

I left him a note that said... thanks for being such a great dad and spouse.. and left the eviction papers there..

 

I got no response.. this morning he called to say that he wants to see me and our son, he loves us so much and he is sooo sad and depressed.. and that he'll call later for us to come..

He called around 2, and said he would call as soon as he got back to his place..

I still havent heard anything..

 

I stopped calling him everyday, I am leaving the ball in his court, I guess, and I know better then to ask his family what is going on, since they never know anything..

 

I love him so much, but I am so hurt and confused, and lost..

I cant take it to

I dont know what is going on, is this normal, what should I do??

Help Please???? How do I handle this..

[brittanyjean259]

I might not have much expeirence with this. well none what so any. Im very young.

 

maybe he is having a mid life crisis? I here Most middle aged men go through that. look it up.

[westernxer]

It's about time you found out what the hell is wrong with him. Waiting for something to happen is getting you nowhere. Get tough!

[Deserted and Lost]

No Mid life crisis.. He is 30 and I am 29..

 

How do I get him to talk?? He just says hes thinking, and sad about us being apart..

I dont know what happened... everything seemed fine and then poof..

any ideas to get him to talk..

[westernxer]

Tell him you want a divorce. If that doesn't get him talking, nothing will. Sounds extreme, but he's not exactly making an effort to improve the situation, isn't he?

 

Would he consider counseling?

[Deserted and Lost]

I asked him that, and he said no.. he has things he has to think about..

I even mentioned that I was going to file a divorce, his reply was,

but I love you, I just need time to think about things, and see how it is to be independant..

[westernxer]

Does being independent mean shunning financial responsibilities?

 

I'm sorry, but he's full of it.

 

"I love you" means nothing if there's no action to back it up.

[Deserted and Lost]

Thanks for a moment of reality!

That is so true..

but he isnt working therefore he is not generating income..

He is costing me about 35K for October in lost biz..

He is borrowing money from his brother, I assume..

and therefore can not/ will not support me and our son..

 

I guess I am under too much stress with this relationship, work, parenting, etc.. to see things clearly.

 

I have no Idea how to get info from him, let alone money..

And If I file for a divorce now, I will wind up paying him money..

I have always earned twice what he does.. (my attny told me that)

 

????? Hence my Deserted and Lost title....??????????

[jhurtinct]

Is he possibly into some sort of drug, for his actions to be so strange. My b/f has been into somethings along with family members and it could sound like it, I would ckeck that and the rest of his activity out somehow, sorry for you situation and I wish you the best, be strong for that little one (that's what I'm tring to do for mine(almost 4)

[Ladyjane14]

Sounds like there's a snake in your woodpile, dear.

 

Men don't usually leave out of the blue like that. There's a better than average possibility that he's seeing someone. That would explain the tears and the mixed signals. His loyalty may be divided in two, thus his emotional response running hot then cold.

 

You can't fight what you can't see. If you're not 100% certain of why he left.....it's time to find out.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Deserted,

I really feel for you ..Sounds to me that he wants to see how the single life is like his brother.. Why do you think he is keeping in the lurch ? He wants his cake and eat it too!! I would just move on and let him do what ever you have a little boy to think about.. Why isn't he working ? He must be do some partying and wanting to go the single way and see how he likes it ..So he tells you not to divorce him because he don't want to lose you cause he isn't sure what he wants!! I would tell him to grow up and be your hubby and his son's dad or you are moving on!!! Good luck hope it works out and realizes what he wants before its to late!!

[Deserted and Lost]

suggestions on how to find anything out??

how do i find out what the problems is if he doesnt talk..

I dont have enough time to follow him..

 

he never left the house, except to go to work, or shopping, and 99.9999% of the time he was with me..

so where would he meet someone?

He cant use comp very well, so that would be out, and all my comps including my home ones are connected to a server that records every page, etc.. so no computer chick..

 

Ideas on the getting him to talk or how to find out what is up would be great..

 

No drug problems either.. he does like to drink but not daily...

[jhurtinct]

Can you talk to a mutual friend about it, can you have mom stay with your child one night whild you go and maybe find where he might hang out? Do you some close friend or family that can help you. Maybe start couseling for yourself and then see if you can get him to come along.

[Ladyjane14]

The cell phone is usually the best indicator. Affair partners talk...and talk...and talk.

 

Unfortunately, sometimes it's not always possible to get the detail records. There are some cheaters who actually invest in a separate (secret) phone.

[GuySimple]

Hey, who said 30 wasn’t mid-life. It sounds like a case of he woke up one day and realized the 99.999% of his life was pretty routine. He’s got to work through whatever he has to work through. You could spend a lot of time trying to figure him out when he probably doesn’t know what he wants, needs to do etc., etc.

 

The main thing that you have to do is care for yourself, your son and your business. Kind of S**TY that you have to do it on your own but that appears to the reality of the situation. You can say that lets him off the hook but it sounds like he is too busy wrestling with whatever demons are in his head to deal with you right now.

 

To work together and be married, and have a child is a tall order from a relationship perspective. It probably just got to him. I don’t think it means that he has found someone else or necessary even wants to. Rather the pressure of the way you lead your lives may have caught up to him. When most people question a part of their life, their work, marriage etc., they do it independent of the other. In your case it is all rolled up into one big relationship.