Nur Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over three months. We knew each other as friends for three years prior, and our personalities are almost scary in their compatibility. I tend to be standoffish and cold; he taught me affection. He tends to be down-to-earth and practical; I taught him to think beyond the mundane. He knows me almost better than I know myself, and told me that he likes me better with each day -- finding out my best (and even my worst) qualities. I went into the relationship intending that it would be very short-term (I was going to college in about six weeks, and it never occured to me we'd continue the relationship by calling during the week and seeing each other on weekends). When the time came to end it, I was alarmed at how painful the thought of being without him was -- I was miserable for days, and so was he. Though we would have ultimately gotten over it and moved on, we both decided not to force ourselves to break up without cause, and continued the relationship. It has only grown stronger since. Similar to how he feels toward me, I am only pleased and amazed as I find out more about him. He's so caring toward others, and I know it is just a natural part of him -- it is not at all grudging or forced -- and yet he does not let people walk over him. And his emotion toward me is especially intense -- the expression in his eyes when he looks at me sometimes takes my breath away. He makes me feel assured and confident in myself, and being around him is a joy. Sometimes, though, he is self-doubting. Over the past few weeks he's occassionally acted a little strange (sporadically), as if subconsciously trying to distance himself from me. Last night we talked together for a long time on the phone, and I finally managed to delve down to its cause. He explained to me that some part of him is afraid that I will meet someone else -- someone "better" -- more intelligent, perhaps, or funnier, or whatever it would take to draw me away from him and wish to be with the other person. He believes that I do not return his feelings to his intensity, and fears to get too close because if I left him he'd be in torment, blaming himself and asking, "What could I have done differently to keep her?" He sounded near tears as he told me that he loved me with all of his heart, and I was taken aback at the sincerity and pain in his voice -- it was like having his deepest fears revealed. I don't know how to feel about this. I do love him back, but when he is so unsure of himself, it makes me unsure. Can't he appreciate what an amazing guy he is? Doesn't he realize that if I wasn't happy with him, I would have left him by now? When he believes himself unworthy at all, it makes me wonder if maybe he is (which I would not otherwise wonder, knowing him). Is this is a common problem -- having the fear your SO might leave you? I have no such fear with him (obviously) and I don't think that this emotion is part of a normal healthy relationship. Is there any advice how to handle this?
tanbark813 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 It doesn't sound as dramatic as your case but I was in a similar position as your bf. With my last ex I was more expressive of how I felt than she was.. verbally anyway. She had a similar attitude as you regarding you wouldn't be with your bf if you didn't want to be. For some people, though, that kind of logical reasoning doesn't always dissuade irrational fears that occur naturally when we have something we want not to lose. I don't know if having that fear is healthy or not but the fact that you don't have that fear I'm sure increases his. Looking back I wish I wasn't as hungry for validation as I was, and it's unfortunate that your bf is that way. But if you do want to help him get over it, telling him how lucky you are to be with him, and things like that, would probably help a lot. If you tend to be standoffish and cold as stated in the beginning of your post, then that is likely to have added to his current feeling of insecurity. Your bf also needs to kill the fear within himself and start realizing his own self worth (which I have been recently working on myself ).
Author Nur Posted October 4, 2005 Author Posted October 4, 2005 Thanks, Tanbark, for the reply. It's not necessarily that I don't like him to speak of his emotions -- in fact, I like it when he tells me how he feels because I'm not the best person at reading body language/inferring/etc. I'm rather obtuse; it's best when he's just blunt about it. And I think it's the reason that he tells me so often how he feels that I don't share his fear. Perhaps if I told him more often how I feel, it would lessen his -- but then again, I don't yet share the depth of his love, although I am extremely fond of him, and I think that's the core of it. With each passing week, though, I grow closer... it takes time (and a lot of it) for me to completely fall for someone in that magnitude, though. Most likely he feels insecure and "unworthy" because he hasn't done anything to validate or prove himself yet. Perhaps with time and experience he will grow to be a more confident and capable person -- already he is a hard worker and very dutiful in his tasks and shows every sign of potential. I'll take your advice and help him notice his good points and feel more secure. He really is an amazing guy; I am so lucky to have him.
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