Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 This kind of thing bugs me to no end and I know he most likely lost interest and found someone he fancies better and I just need to move on and get over it because it’s not the first and probably won’t be the last time this happens. It just sucks when you think the conversations are going well. We started chatting a few days before Christmas. He messaged me first...exchanged numbers the whole deal. He was in constant contact with me, sending me pictures, asking to meet up etc. I told him I definitely wanted to meet him because we both agreed we had so much in common. However, with Christmas only a few days away I was crazy busy and getting ready to go out of town to stay with family. So we made plans to meet the following weekend when I got back into town. Nothing was set in stone as in a time or place, but we constantly talked about it and about how we both couldn’t wait to finally meet up. Well that weekend came and the texts from him got less and less. I asked if he still wanted to meet, but understood if he was no longer interested? He replied “No, I just didn’t plan on being this tied up today.” I told him no worries and that we could meet another time that was better for him. He replied “I definitely still want to meet you. I hope you don’t get that mixed up.” I tell him good, because I still would really like to meet him as well. A day goes by with no word from him. The next day I send him a text asking if he was free to meet sometime this week or this weekend? No response. Another day goes by and today I tell him it’s fine if he’s no longer interested, but don’t say you still want to meet and yet don’t respond to making plans. Not in those exact words though. He responds “sorry, its been a busy couple of days. Been watching my nieces.” I tell him it’s fine and ask him one last time about meeting this week? Silence! Ok clearly I should have left it alone the first time I asked him and he didn’t answer, but I’m done now. He obviously is no longer interested in meeting me and has no intentions of actually telling me that. I just don’t get why? Why want to meet me so bad and then when I’m back in town and able to meet he goes silent? Why respond telling me he doesn’t want me to misunderstand and that he still wants to meet me and yet not answer me about setting up a time? What’s not to understand? Keeping me on the back burner in case the current girl whose caught his attention doesn’t work out? That’s the only answer I can come up with. Seems like I’ve hit a pattern with these guys....I can’t ever seem to get an actual first date/meeting or when one has been set up they flake last minute. Sigh....it’s discouraging. Is meeting too much to ask for? Figured that was the whole point of these dating apps...to eventually meet in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 7 minutes ago, Cora said: Seems like I’ve hit a pattern with these guys....I can’t ever seem to get an actual first date/meeting or when one has been set up they flake last minute. Sigh....it’s discouraging. Is meeting too much to ask for? Figured that was the whole point of these dating apps...to eventually meet in person. OLD is a complete waste of time for most people Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 6 minutes ago, alphamale said: OLD is a complete waste of time for most people I’m starting to see that now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 12 minutes ago, Cora said: I just don’t get why? Why want to meet me so bad and then when I’m back in town and able to meet he goes silent? Why respond telling me he doesn’t want me to misunderstand and that he still wants to meet me and yet not answer me about setting up a time? What’s not to understand? Keeping me on the back burner in case the current girl whose caught his attention doesn’t work out? That’s the only answer I can come up with. Seems like I’ve hit a pattern with these guys....I can’t ever seem to get an actual first date/meeting or when one has been set up they flake last minute. Sigh....it’s discouraging. Is meeting too much to ask for? Figured that was the whole point of these dating apps...to eventually meet in person. Delaying tactic. He wants to keep you tethered until the other girl is committed. Once that happens, he lets you go. Never? If so, there is something about your profile that places you at a disadvantage. Do you have multiple pics, full body included? Do you have social media accounts? It is common for people to look up or google the potential date. I do it all the time. If I discover something unsettling or off, I change plans. Yes, to meet is always the initial goal, of course. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 8 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Delaying tactic. He wants to keep you tethered until the other girl is committed. Once that happens, he lets you go. Never? If so, there is something about your profile that places you at a disadvantage. Do you have multiple pics, full body included? Do you have social media accounts? It is common for people to look up or google the potential date. I do it all the time. If I discover something unsettling or off, I change plans. Yes, to meet is always the initial goal, of course. Well that sucks! Not never, but definitely seems to be the case lately. And yes, I have several pictures posted on my profile and at least two full body pics. Nothing revealing to give the wrong impression and several pics of me actually out doing things....not just selfies. As for social media....I did away with that several years ago. So I no longer have any social media accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 11 hours ago, Cora said: Ok clearly I should have left it alone the first time I asked him and he didn’t answer, but I’m done now. He obviously is no longer interested in meeting me and has no intentions of actually telling me that This. Pushing things further will never get you anywhere as in general when folk when put on the spot they're reluctant to admit things, in cases like this. It's just easier to make excuses. Just moving on after the first flake is best, and much easier on you in the long run. If they're still interested, they'll be back, I can assure you! None of us can possibly know the reason why he flaked at the last minute. It could even be something as simple as him thinking that maybe, once you've met him in person, you may not like him/be that attracted to him etc! Things like this do happen! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 Hi Cora, I randomly bumped into this forum and just created an account not too long ago so I could reply to you. I've dated for many years online and not only, as @alphamale mentioned OLD will take you nowhere, believe me. I've had many "serious" partners/relationships that in the end, I've never met in real life any of them because they always had an excuse up their sleeve. It's quite disheartening and sad, I know but that's how it is. Also many people use this "tactic" to get the other person more attracted to them because from my personal experience most women like mysterious/busy guys since they never know what they're up to (most, not everyone) and that somehow keeps the woman hooked. Your best bet would be to meet someone in real life, forget the dating apps and online sites, these are bogus and often filled with people that look for hook-ups/one-night-stands. Also if you're keep going through the same pattern, you have to ask yourself why, you're not giving much credit to yourself? Are you too available? There are many things that come in play, that doesn't mean you have to change yourself in order to make a person stick around. I don't like to give people advices so this is my personal view based on my online/real relationships experiences, I hope it somehow helped you or made you feel relieved. I am sorry you had to go through these situations, try to figure out and ask yourself if it's really worthy going through the same thing again in the near future, there lies your real answer. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 This is the worst time of year to try and date someone new. Most of the time people already have made plans well in advance like yourself right? And yes of course babysitting, etc those kind of things are last minute. I'm sure after tonight, he will contact you again now that the holiday hub-bubb is finally over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I gave up online dating, because people are flakes I got mostly approached by unattractive older men, while men my age were looking for younger women or attractive men wanting sex pronto a lot of men were too jaded/lazy to set up a date and instead played penpal men hurl insults at you the moment they suspect the tiniest bit of rejection In my experience, I meet more attractive and more interesting men when I move my lazy ass to a real event. OLD is too much fantasy. Also, some hot guys are simply not photogenic. 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 13 hours ago, Cora said: I asked if he still wanted to meet, but understood if he was no longer interested? He replied “No, I just didn’t plan on being this tied up today.” I told him no worries and that we could meet another time that was better for him. He replied “I definitely still want to meet you. I hope you don’t get that mixed up.” I tell him good, because I still would really like to meet him as well. A day goes by with no word from him. You do know that you VOLUNTEERED and suggested that he ignore you. Ask someone if they don't want to meet. Straight up! Don't add ... I understand if you don't. What the heck is that about?! And beware constant texting early on ... usually a sign that he just wants to quickly get into your pants--not a sign that he's deeply in love. (Texting is also just a time filler ... flirting is fun in and of itself.) Text briefly ... and set up meeting. Conversations over text are NOT real conversations. They are performances ... there is no connection building, there is no looking in the eyes, there is no real hearing of laughter ... there is no exchange of smiles ... and emoji smile is not the equivalent of an in-person, live, person-to-person smile. Use texting to set up meetings ... and if you want to just hook up ... In either case, keep texting short ... if you want something serious, you text to set up meetings ... if you want to just have sex ... those texts should also be brief ... Sending and receiving pix ... so much fun ... but means nothing. Go out with the person! If you can't arrange that and fairly quickly, nothing will happy. BTW: there is no such thing as being "tied up" when you really want to see someone. If someone is genuinely busy and unable to meet, it's their job to contact YOU ahead of time and explain to you what's going on ... and to set up a specific alternative. Notice, you're here begging him ... asking him to explain why he's silent. Don't go there. Waste of time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 There are people that hide behind a keyboard as well. They have done it so much they become clueless and or fearful of face to face interaction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 13 hours ago, Cora said: Figured that was the whole point of these dating apps...to eventually meet in person. Have your first meeting be brief and over a coffee and this problem of getting ghosted will go away... Asking strange men to invest resources into somebody they do not even know is going to end up with you getting ghosted every single time. Time, is a resource as well; your first meeting should be brief, 15-20 minutes... I know you have this whole construct in your female mind where you need to spend hours and hours with a guy to see if you like him or not, but in reality, it only takes a couple seconds to tell if you have chemistry or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 7 hours ago, Saracena said: This. Pushing things further will never get you anywhere as in general when folk when put on the spot they're reluctant to admit things, in cases like this. It's just easier to make excuses. Just moving on after the first flake is best, and much easier on you in the long run. If they're still interested, they'll be back, I can assure you! None of us can possibly know the reason why he flaked at the last minute. It could even be something as simple as him thinking that maybe, once you've met him in person, you may not like him/be that attracted to him etc! Things like this do happen! True, but if he thought that then I don’t think he would have pushed to see me at first. I don’t know....who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You do know that you VOLUNTEERED and suggested that he ignore you. Ask someone if they don't want to meet. Straight up! Don't add ... I understand if you don't. What the heck is that about?! And beware constant texting early on ... usually a sign that he just wants to quickly get into your pants--not a sign that he's deeply in love. (Texting is also just a time filler ... flirting is fun in and of itself.) Text briefly ... and set up meeting. Conversations over text are NOT real conversations. They are performances ... there is no connection building, there is no looking in the eyes, there is no real hearing of laughter ... there is no exchange of smiles ... and emoji smile is not the equivalent of an in-person, live, person-to-person smile. Use texting to set up meetings ... and if you want to just hook up ... In either case, keep texting short ... if you want something serious, you text to set up meetings ... if you want to just have sex ... those texts should also be brief ... Sending and receiving pix ... so much fun ... but means nothing. Go out with the person! If you can't arrange that and fairly quickly, nothing will happy. BTW: there is no such thing as being "tied up" when you really want to see someone. If someone is genuinely busy and unable to meet, it's their job to contact YOU ahead of time and explain to you what's going on ... and to set up a specific alternative. Notice, you're here begging him ... asking him to explain why he's silent. Don't go there. Waste of time. I know...I probably didn’t handle things the best way. I just added that last part about understanding if he changed his mind because I felt like maybe he had since he became so distant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 5 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Have your first meeting be brief and over a coffee and this problem of getting ghosted will go away... Asking strange men to invest resources into somebody they do not even know is going to end up with you getting ghosted every single time. Time, is a resource as well; your first meeting should be brief, 15-20 minutes... I know you have this whole construct in your female mind where you need to spend hours and hours with a guy to see if you like him or not, but in reality, it only takes a couple seconds to tell if you have chemistry or not. That’s all I wanted was a brief coffee meet up. That is my usual go to for first meetings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 What really gets me is the fact that he went on about how communication is very important to him and how his ex was horrible at communicating. He said it was the reason they broke up because she would not communicate with him and that they would set up dates or things to do together and she would always flake at the last minute or something would always come up the day of. I told him that communication was also very important to me as well. But I see that he is ok with not communicating with other people just as long as they don’t do it to him. I have two potential dates set up this week with two other guys that I’m not even excited about because with my luck we all know how they will go. It’s exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 8 hours ago, Kaarek said: Hi Cora, I randomly bumped into this forum and just created an account not too long ago so I could reply to you. I've dated for many years online and not only, as @alphamale mentioned OLD will take you nowhere, believe me. I've had many "serious" partners/relationships that in the end, I've never met in real life any of them because they always had an excuse up their sleeve. It's quite disheartening and sad, I know but that's how it is. Also many people use this "tactic" to get the other person more attracted to them because from my personal experience most women like mysterious/busy guys since they never know what they're up to (most, not everyone) and that somehow keeps the woman hooked. Your best bet would be to meet someone in real life, forget the dating apps and online sites, these are bogus and often filled with people that look for hook-ups/one-night-stands. Also if you're keep going through the same pattern, you have to ask yourself why, you're not giving much credit to yourself? Are you too available? There are many things that come in play, that doesn't mean you have to change yourself in order to make a person stick around. I don't like to give people advices so this is my personal view based on my online/real relationships experiences, I hope it somehow helped you or made you feel relieved. I am sorry you had to go through these situations, try to figure out and ask yourself if it's really worthy going through the same thing again in the near future, there lies your real answer. Thank you so much for your reply. You are right about a lot of things. I just need to take a look at what I’m doing wrong and if it’s really worth it. I am not too fond of online dating, but before I signed up for dating apps I went on zero dates and was meeting no one. I guess it’s all due to my very introverted personality. It’s hard for me to put myself out there and step out of my comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I completely understand you @Cora it's way easier to open up online and meet people with similar interests but then you have these stupid mind games and unnecessary anxious situations, is it really worthy in the end? It's difficult but I'd rather take a REAL rejection than a fake hope online. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Legatus Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I think it's good that you tried online dating. You need to test it on your own and not listen to people saying it's a waste of time. Only you can actually say whether it's a waste of time. Even if you didn't get where you wanted, you still could have learned something. Did you have expectations about online dating prior to creating your profile? Collectively we could come up with many answers why this guy stopped responding. In the end we may never know the truth. I think it's great that you see a pattern here. The key is to also see if you help with that pattern. I understand Christmas and New Year is a difficult and busy time. Even though I also believe that if somebody really likes the other person, they will make an effort regardless of what made-up holiday they choose to believe. At the same time it depends how well you know each other, hence I wouldn't be surprised if the effort wasn't there. It's a bit of a vicious circle I think. You can't get to know the guy to create a bond, therefore there's no connection to build on that bond and make him more interesting. Frankly, if you want to do online dating, you should be more firm perhaps? After a week or two, propose a time to meet and if they can't make it for whatever reason just walk away. If they come back with another time and you're still willing to give it a try, great, but if not - you'll be totally fine because you didn't form any expectations.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 Online dating does work....but.... 1 unlike 10 yrs ago more people are doing it and many lack the seriousness. They are looking for fantasies. Something out of their league. 2. It’s always been the case peop,e have contact with multiple peop,eat a time.never assume other than that. If you plan a date set a date to do it. When they talk to others they progress st their own rates so one can go faster and blow up so they will string other options along till they know where this relationship is going 3. Try to meet face to face as soon as posdible 4 it’s common you have some convo Ir dates early on then one goes off the grid like busy with family or business trip or vacation and it falls apart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 You still might hear from him yet how longs it been now exactly, it's a shyt of a time of year. But if not in the next few days , wk , kiss it goodbye 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 6 hours ago, Cora said: That’s all I wanted was a brief coffee meet up. That is my usual go to for first meetings. Then you should take the hint and move on... Like if somebody cannot meet you for a 20 minute coffee, cut it off right there... Let him do the pursuing now... Sending all these texts after the fact just makes you look desperate... And if you feel like you've already invested too much time chatting to just walk away, then in the future, set up the meeting before you invest a bunch of time chatting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cora Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 Well I got my closure. Moving on...long story and no I did not contact him anymore, but we had a face to face chat. He’s a decent guy, but I don’t think the one for me. Thanks all for the replies! They really helped. Considering taking a break from OLD. I’m just plumb exhausted. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 OLD / dating SUCKS. And OLD sucks twice as bad as meeting someone IRL. Why? There are all kinds of reasons why for both. But this is not unusual - there had been plenty of times that everyone's been chatting with others and they let them down - going poof, not following up, blowing them off, etc. Just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 So you are saying that you over invested in someone that you have never met and make a bunch of assumptions about all for not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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