More of the same

[ZA Dater]

Bumble this time.

Ok I concede this might be a slightly better app but overall the quality of people is so low its akin to finding a needle in a haystack. I did find someone who sort of piqued my interest and we got chatting which was ok, granted she told me she had been drinking most of the day. Lets just say sober her was considerably less interested in chatting and we decided to set up a dinner date, confirmed date venue and time. On the day she cancels, has to take her brother somewhere. We reschedule, all the while conversation is very limited.

Today was the rescheduled day and no communication, no cancellation, no response when I asked her if we are still on.

Sorry to me this is just another example of poor manners. But perhaps the side of this is, none of these people seem to invest much in the conversation with me, at no point do I really find them super interesting, is this me or is this them? Am I supposed to find them interesting? I just cant get very excited by someone who teaches and seems to have little ambition, again is this me or is it them? I am happy to take the blame here if I am wrong but surely ladies you too need to find something interesting about the person or is it all about looks and status?

Today I asked myself again why I keep bothering with this, especially after one match turned out to be quite literally a pay date and to some extent the idea of dropping big money just have that experience with someone I do find superficially very attractive is starting to have some appeal versus continually trawling through nonsense like with people who aren't really either intellectually or superficially what I really want.

I have this problem every year this time, enforced work leave which leaves me quite lonely at times, add in the generally level of miserable I feel around every new years and its not the best of combinations.

[Gaeta]

Well, what to expect from a woman that drinks all day as a hobby. 

Don't search for a 'connection' online. Just set yourself some ground rules ex: You want a woman that works, has common hobby and interests, and seems to have her life on track. Exchange a few messages and meet her over a coffee. Connection has to happen within the first 3-4 dates, not online. Forget dinner as a first meeting. You're an established member, I am sure we told you that 100s of times. 

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 12/30/2019 at 12:13 PM, ZA Dater said:

Bumble this time.

Ok I concede this might be a slightly better app but overall the quality of people is so low its akin to finding a needle in a haystack. I did find someone who sort of piqued my interest and we got chatting which was ok, granted she told me she had been drinking most of the day. Lets just say sober her was considerably less interested in chatting and we decided to set up a dinner date, confirmed date venue and time. On the day she cancels, has to take her brother somewhere. We reschedule, all the while conversation is very limited.

Today was the rescheduled day and no communication, no cancellation, no response when I asked her if we are still on.

Sorry to me this is just another example of poor manners. But perhaps the side of this is, none of these people seem to invest much in the conversation with me, at no point do I really find them super interesting, is this me or is this them? Am I supposed to find them interesting? I just cant get very excited by someone who teaches and seems to have little ambition, again is this me or is it them? I am happy to take the blame here if I am wrong but surely ladies you too need to find something interesting about the person or is it all about looks and status?

Today I asked myself again why I keep bothering with this, especially after one match turned out to be quite literally a pay date and to some extent the idea of dropping big money just have that experience with someone I do find superficially very attractive is starting to have some appeal versus continually trawling through nonsense like with people who aren't really either intellectually or superficially what I really want.

I have this problem every year this time, enforced work leave which leaves me quite lonely at times, add in the generally level of miserable I feel around every new years and its not the best of combinations.

She doesn't sound like she was all that interested in you in the first place. Sometimes we swipe right only because....well, because. And when we get a response, realize we really didn't mean to. As for teachers and ambition...what the heck!? I feel dating teachers is awesome and some of the more educated, ambitious people out there. Must not be the case in SA. This is a tough time of the year for many people. Instead of relationship expectations, try creating new non-dating social habits and activities to carry you through every time of the year?

[2BGoodAgain]

try PoF. Plenty of Fish?

my AP found her current guy on it, when she moved on from me to him... i think after a few weeks, she's "in love" with him.. (shrug)

better luck?

[ZA Dater]

24 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

. Connection has to happen within the first 3-4 dates, not online. Forget dinner as a first meeting. You're an established member, I am sure we told you that 100s of times. 

 

That's probably my problem or one of them, I try find a connection with people on line. Yeah I wasn't super keen on dinner but she suggested it and suggested the place so it was easy for me to just agree to that. I have given up on common hobbies and interests as I don't believe I will ever find someone who has those in common with me so I try to find someone who seems to have their life on track, again not that easy to find, I never usually get past date 1 because generally my level of interest just disappears, or I want date 2 but she doesn't want date 2.

[ZA Dater]

26 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

She doesn't sound like she was all that interested in you in the first place. Sometimes we swipe right only because....well, because. And when we get a response, realize we really didn't mean to. As for teachers and ambition...what the heck!? I feel dating teachers is awesome and some of the more educated, ambitious people out there. Must not be the case in SA. This is a tough time of the year for many people. Instead of relationship expectations, try creating new non-dating social habits and activities to carry you through every time of the year?

Teaching in SA is seen as an unambitious career for a variety of reasons, one being our incredibly poor education system so the bar is not very high and because generally all of the teachers I have met seem quite happy to teach the same grade at the same school for their entire working life.

You right maybe she wasn't, it was refreshing though because she was vaguely attractive, certainly better than most of the matches I normally get, there is a very distinct commonality to all the matches I get.......none are very attractive to me, I suppose that's my fault for being around attractive people who aren't interested in me!

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

TI never usually get past date 1 because generally my level of interest just disappears.

Your level of interest needs to be based on something tangible, therefore you need to spend time with these ladies to 'develop' an interest. When I met my boyfriend over a coffee I did not have an 'interest' in him, I didn't know him enough. He was a profile, he was the right age, he worked, he was articulate, he had the basic for me to give him a 2nd date. I started developing an interest in him on our 3rd-4th date. It took me a few dates to discover I liked his sense of humor, he was upbeat, always of service, we enjoyed the same outings, etc. Then I started liking him more an more as I discovered who he was.

[elaine567]

Many women use dating apps as a fun way to pass the time. 
Drinking all day and chatting with some guy who shows interest is a great game.
As soon as you wanted to make it real, she tried to shut you down but you persisted and she therefore made up an excuse, you still persisted and she then had to ghost you...
 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Your level of interest needs to be based on something tangible, therefore you need to spend time with these ladies to 'develop' an interest. When I met my boyfriend over a coffee I did not have an 'interest' in him, I didn't know him enough. He was a profile, he was the right age, he worked, he was articulate, he had the basic for me to give him a 2nd date. I started developing an interest in him on our 3rd-4th date. It took me a few dates to discover I liked his sense of humor, he was upbeat, always of service, we enjoyed the same outings, etc. Then I started liking him more an more as I discovered who he was.

Absolutely correct. Unfortunately I am never afforded that opportunity so when I do get dates I need to basically throw all the cards on the table in date one and resort sometimes to selling techniques, obviously if I don't find the person attractive I don't do that much selling. I'll keep saying it but women have near endless choice because with due respect its a lot easier for a women to get 3 dates with one guy than it is for me to get 3 dates with someone I like. Ultimately there needs to be something that makes you want date 2 and I probably don't really have that for the vast majority of people I meet, I accept that fact and there is little I can actually do about it.

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Many women use dating apps as a fun way to pass the time. 
Drinking all day and chatting with some guy who shows interest is a great game.
As soon as you wanted to make it real, she tried to shut you down but you persisted and she therefore made up an excuse, you still persisted and she then had to ghost you...
 

Again probably correct though it was her who suggested the meet up, not me. She re scheduled it and then completely ghosted. The one appeal with her was she actually lived fairly close.

[bene]

Remind me again why are you not dating women who are established in their career and have a serious outlook on life if that’s so important to you? There is a contradiction in what you say and what type of women you’re actually going for. It’s almost like you deliberately choose airheads based on looks alone and then find satisfaction in feeling superior to them. It’s both self-protection and self-sabotage because this way you can just sit back and say “see, I told you it’s not going to work”. This approach is a dead end because the temporary feeling of superiority doesn’t get you anywhere if your goal is to find a partner in life. Women who have their act together and are established in their lives also don’t appreciate a guy showing up with a massive chip on their shoulder. Being angry can be sensed even if you don’t spell it out.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, bene said:

Remind me again why are you not dating women who are established in their career and have a serious outlook on life if that’s so important to you? There is a contradiction in what you say and what type of women you’re actually going for. It’s almost like you deliberately choose airheads based on looks alone and then find satisfaction in feeling superior to them. It’s both self-protection and self-sabotage because this way you can just sit back and say “see, I told you it’s not going to work”. This approach is a dead end because the temporary feeling of superiority doesn’t get you anywhere if your goal is to find a partner in life. Women who have their act together and are established in their lives also don’t appreciate a guy showing up with a massive chip on their shoulder. Being angry can be sensed even if you don’t spell it out.

Not really too sure where these conclusions come from. Its all very well to say find people established in their career but frankly the number of single ones is pretty much none or the ones that are single are simply not attractive to me at all. I don't have a type, I will go for anyone who I deem to be attractive what I wont go for are obese people which I am sure will cause a mini melt down here.

I learnt after years thinking looks don't matter that they actually matter the most for many people, one can be the nicest person, really engage and take interest in people but still get rejected based on looks so yes looks seem to trump pretty much everything for most people. Nowhere did I say anything about being superior, I don't like my life is some superior person, I go about my days doing the best I can and trying to be the best person I can be. At the end of the day ones ability to attract anyone actually has very little do with any connection at all but rather everything that's tangible, which is I guess is sad but nobody can change the world we can just accept it and try work with it.

My point with this post is topic is people simply have generally poor manners.

[smackie9]

Slim pickins you say??? What attractive, well adjusted, fun loving person with a great personality would need to use a dating app? slim to none. I hope that answers most of the OLD questions and complaints.

Edited December 31, 2019 by smackie9

[Kaarek]

There are many questions that I could ask you but I'll stick to one. 

Why would you go to a bar to find a potential "date" ? If you're not super introverted and shy, you can meet a woman anywhere.

Go to the library, Gym, market, museums, stores, literally anywhere really and just try to socialize with them, you'd be surprised how easy is to strike a conversation, does it necessarily mean they will instantly date you, no, but it will give you a better chance on meeting someone. You're wasting your precious time using apps (do as you wish, by all means) when you can do so much better, don't be afraid.

[elaine567]

22 minutes ago, Kaarek said:

Go to the library, Gym, market, museums, stores, literally anywhere really and just try to socialize with them, you'd be surprised how easy is to strike a conversation, does it necessarily mean they will instantly date you, no, but it will give you a better chance on meeting someone. You're wasting your precious time using apps (do as you wish, by all means) when you can do so much better, don't be afraid.

He knows he does not have the confidence to go out "into the wild", hunt down a prize specimen and take her home...
He is not alone, many men do not have the skills to do that.
Apps are a means to connect to a wider audience, without facing public put downs.
The downside to apps is that people tend to favour "the best" as in comparison the rest appear very ordinary and mediocre...
 

[Kaarek]

Then I'm afraid he'll have to deal with these sort of things @elaine567 considering people online can/tend to have a different behavior compared to real life.

In that case, I'd suggest to just plain tell to the person that you don't like waiting too much but prefer meeting a person (face to face), it would solve the problem, sometimes being simply straightforward helps more than it seems (in my personal experience).

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He knows he does not have the confidence to go out "into the wild", hunt down a prize specimen and take her home...
He is not alone, many men do not have the skills to do that.

 

Absolutely true. I have to then deal with competition in plain site versus with dealing the unknown competition on apps. However, I have been out and as more of an introvert its a largely fruitless experience but for the fact I get to observe lots of things which I suppose can be positive but it also shows me how far away I am from being even being moderately competitive in that environment.

Sure you can strike on conversation but most of the time people just look at my blankly, for whatever reason random conversation generally doesn't seem to happen much here, the city is know to be "clique" like so I guess the frowns I get when I do try this aren't wholly unexpected.

I have fairly convinced myself that for me to experience any sort of win here I need to have a multitude of other things on the go at once to remove the focus from dating so any win will be a nice to have rather than something I outright wanted from the outset.

Unfortunately even if I did find someone interested in me I would mess it up by virtue of having no experience so yes I'll try but mostly I know the result before the result arrives. All OLD equates to is a shop but that shop is no different from real like, she is still going to for the fun, physically attractive guy over the serious, driven guy because the former will always work better than the latter. I have tried this match up time after time but the pieces simply don't fit together and likewise I don't really like the reserved lady either so in essence I simply try make pieced fit together which ostensibly don't. In some ways I like this because I am not taking the simple way out, the simple way exists, I can go on a date with the multitude of obese ladies who match with me continually but I am going to accomplish nothing besides waste my own time and theirs.

Another thing I learnt is looks count for more, they are the overall decided between "yes" and "no", realistically there isn't much one can do to fundamentally change these beyond going to gym but woe is you who perhaps does not have the best of faces.

At the end of the day all of this can be overcome with a large bank account and if that does not prove how entirely superficial this game is then nothing else will.

 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

At the end of the day all of this can be overcome with a large bank account...

I am not sure it can.
Yes there are guys who can attract good looking woman ostensibly by flashing the cash, but many of these guys have other traits that attract women.
They may be older, flabbier, balder, uglier... but they can exude confidence and that is attractive.
NO guy without inner confidence is going to pitch at good looking women.
They often also have charm, are fun and have the gift of the gab.
Nothing really changes. Money may get them noticed by good looking women, but if there is little else then she is still going to pass.
Even gold diggers want a man with something more going for him than just money. She is going to have to live with him after all.
I guess there are a load of guys WITH big bank accounts who still cannot get the good looking women they want.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I am not sure it can.
 

Maybe so but it still gets you noticed. I think that's where pretty much everything starts and that's important. I'll just keep going with life and if I eventually meet someone and there is mutual attraction, great, if not well then so be it. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

The most elusive characteristic I find in the ladies in my area is independence. Almost all are in no condition to date either because they are not financially or emotionally independent. I look for two superficial things: 1. Attractiveness 2. Physical/body type...then the  next is whether they have enough of their crap together that they are worrying about where to live, paying rent, paying off too much debt, or getting a boob job is a priority over the aforementioned items.

I think well want someone who has enough together that it doesn't become another tragic scene from Hamlet while trying to build a relationship. Having a big bank account is not important. I am dating a fit, attractive, lawyer, but couldn't care less that she lives in a nice part of the suburbs, goes on exotic vacations alone or with friends, etc. She seems to be able to take care of her own...THANK GOODNESS for that alone!

[chillii]

za , l'd  think one of your biggest hurdles after seeing so much of your stuff, would probable be all these unbendable ideas and attitudes you have in everything to do with finding a real partner and the opposite sex and how it all works , all of it.

The way you think about everything would be dragging you down more than you could possibly imagine and to me it sounds like women see it too , which they would , it'd stick out like a sore thumb,

Edited January 3, 2020 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

46 minutes ago, chillii said:

za , l'd  think one of your biggest hurdles after seeing so much of your stuff, would probable be all these unbendable ideas and attitudes you have in everything to do with finding a real partner and the opposite sex and how it all works , all of it.

The way you think about everything would be dragging you down more than you could possibly imagine and to me it sounds like women see it too , which they would , it'd stick out like a sore thumb,

Probable and I have a date this evening and another one next week with a lady from Bratislava.

I suppose at least I can sort of get dates....

[ZA Dater]

Well the evening date didn't happen, I suspect it's been cancelled indefinitely but in hindsight not really too surprised. It wasn't a wasted evening, went out and saw numerous examples of the chemistry I can't seem to generate, ladies laughing, touching guys arms, smiling. I have never managed to get that right.

[chillii]

Well , as l've said you can get the dates at least, that's big , don't worry about that one falling through everyone on here gets that stuff.

Maybe just keep meeting them , if you feel like it , somethings bound to fall into place with someone sooner or later.

Those people you notice , they're just more relaxed and comfortable in those situations that's why it works for them.  But we all have our areas in life , go with whatever our situations work for us as individuals .

[Interstellar]

It’s also about finding your niche. Sure, don’t give up on Bumble, I like that the woman messages you first. Use that as your regular backup, but find another hobby as well. Some guys get a lot of leads with ballroom dancing, comedy improvs, or giving a speech at one of those toastmasters, take a creative writing class and contribute to the discussions and make clean jokes that will make the entire class laugh, watch YouTube videos on comedians and study those guys on how to be funny, and eventually you’ll develop a personality.

I do think some guys get all too consumed about finding a girlfriend that their life is unfulfilled if they don’t have anyone. Their mindset and daily life from the moment they wake up is consumed by “I gotta have a gf, or it’s over.” “I’m not gonna meet anyone because I’m getting older.”  and they miss out on creating a better life for themselves, pursuing hobbies not related to women which can end up attracting the kind of woman you’re looking for. So RELAX, you will find the one when you’re not looking for her. It always happens that way. Somebody’s looking out for you out there.

Edited January 6, 2020 by Interstellar