Am I overthinking this? (1month of dating/relationship)

[171]

Hi all!

Alright so I(28/M) made a post a week ago about how affectionate should we be with my girlfriend(25/F) (or whatever it's called after a month). So the thing is we are both very affectionate with each other... we have been dating for a month now, but she is away for the holidays, she'll be back for New Year's Eve, we have slept together before she went away. It was very calming, romantic, full of kisses, cuddles, sex two times too. She was always texting me (I find it a bit overwhelming sometimes, cuz i'm not a big talker on facebook or the phone, I told her that too early on in out dating, but I can just respond to her later so it's not a constant texting thing), but anyway she is always texting me that she misses me, how much she likes to be with me, and I started to say her the same things (it's how I feel, and that's how I feel she feels everything is perfect, EXCEPT that sometimes when I turn her down, like meeting with her parents she thinks I turn HER down, and that's not the case, we talked about it... told her I think it's too fast for me to meet her parents already, but don't she worry, I'll meet them eventaully and all will be fine, I just need time for that. We were sex texting on Christmas too, so everything seems fine... So anyway she went for a few days with her family, parents, sister, brother etc for a Wellness trip. She started sending me bikini pictures of her body, ass face anything almost every day. I was really turned on told her that I'm masturbating to her photoes etc she really liked it (that's how the Xmas sex texting came to be too). 

Until this point I guess everything seems fine, except that she and me too had bad past relationships and sometimes that's weighing on our talk, like if I turn her down for meeting with her parents, she thinks I don't want to meet her... I even said once that maybe we shouldn't meet that much... yes it was stupid of me I like her, I'm just a little bit over in my head... I need to learn for an exam, set my life straight (I was f***ing around doing nothing a lot the past years got a low self esteem because of it... it's all on me, but I don't want it to affect my relationship with this girl.), I was single for years playing video games, watching move,s reading books whenever I want... and now she is here too, a little bit overwhelming, even though when I'm with her more and more the more calm I am (i have a lot of anxiety), but this texting stuff just kills me, every time I'm overthinking things... so here we go to my new "problem" (which I guess stems from all this stuff I told you).

She sent me  a few lingerie pictures of her, I was thinking about her all day... so for some baffling reason I thought this would be a good idea (maybe it would be later in our relationship not now), I sent her a little vid (few seconds long) about me masturbating... she totally froze down, said she doesn't know how to respond, never got anything like it, but at the same time she is smiling, and thinks it's cute, and wants to be with me etc. I apologized, I shouldn't have embarassed her, she said think nothing of it (she even sent me a fully nude picture of herself in response, she was covering her nipples and her happy place but still I guess that's a good reaction, better than nothing). Okay.

A few hours later in the evening, she said she thinks something's not right... we started talking (the good thing is we talked over these little feelings every time, so I guess that's a good sign). She said that she couldn't have sent me a video like I did, and she is not ready for it yet, and that she thinks a lot about if I'm the right guy (cuz she definitely feels herself good with me, likes me kissing, cuddling her, she even asks for these as she said she is very affectionate), and that she doesn't know if she feels this much about me (although i didn't really give the video that much thought It was more of a sexual thing at that momen than feelings, I just wanted to get her horny) and that she had another guy before me for 2years which she was dating randomly, but the guy never really cared for her, but then she thought about forgetting him a lot of times and the feeling alway came back for some reason, and she doesn't want it to ruin our relationship etc. So I just tried to be empathetic and talk through things with her, she said maybe she is too afraid of hurting herself (cuz she had bad past relationships), or she had too much casual sex in the past so she is afraid of commitment... I then told her that she is telling me all these things, like missing me and how happy is she with me, always telling her parents about me etc (she was much more of a rusher in our dating than I am) and now she says these things, i'm confused, she says she shouldn't have told me these and that she still thinks that way she is just unsure about herself etc... Anyway we talked a bit more talked about not overthinking stuff, and that why think these things when everything seems fine, good with each other, why f*** it up with senseless thinking about what ifs. Then said good night, she said she misses me and then  we went to sleep.

I guess we talked through it but while I never had questions about her feelings only mine (like almost the same things she says, not sure she is the one etc, what if we have a fight later on... I have been hurt enough etc, but I always pushed these things away as I'm always full of anxiety about this stuff, this is the reason why I haven't had a girlfriend in years, I f***ing hate it) now I'm a bit confused about her too... and I hate it, I loved that I can be so open with her, and she with me and I never felt a problem from her side.

I'm sleeping over at her place on New Year's Eve ( I even asked her if that still stands or she wants to move it, she said why wouldn't it stand), and I'm not sure how affectionate should I be in my writings or in real life (she said just be the same as before, just go back to the time before I sent that stupid vid about me...). I never felt this open to a girl since my first relationship... and that was when I closed down all these stuff for  the next girls, cuz the first one didn't like them, she didn't love me sadly so it was pretty bad, now I felt like myself again but now comes this... and I'm a but afraid.

So what's your thought about it guys? Thanks for reading trough it and answering!

[Legatus]

So many pictures and videos within one month - you guys are moving fast. It's strange that you mentioned you didn't feel great about moving so fast but then you did it yourself. You are totally allowed to feel the need that your relations should go in different speed. Instead you accelerated just like she did and perhaps it threw her off a little bit. 

I don't think there's much to it rather than just a bit of misunderstanding. Stick to your guns and go at your pace. You were right about meeting parents etc. but seems like you wanted to push the sexual part of the relations offline a bit too hard. I think female perspective here is needed as well. I never sent videos like that but my girlfriends or people I've dated would send pictures that gradually intensified.

Take a step back while you're both away. Try to establish connection beyond the physicality when you're away. I believe that's what she was trying to do when texting you she misses you etc., you just wanted to get her horny even though you weren't with her.

[171]

22 minutes ago, Legatus said:

So many pictures and videos within one month - you guys are moving fast. It's strange that you mentioned you didn't feel great about moving so fast but then you did it yourself. You are totally allowed to feel the need that your relations should go in different speed. Instead you accelerated just like she did and perhaps it threw her off a little bit. 

I don't think there's much to it rather than just a bit of misunderstanding. Stick to your guns and go at your pace. You were right about meeting parents etc. but seems like you wanted to push the sexual part of the relations offline a bit too hard. I think female perspective here is needed as well. I never sent videos like that but my girlfriends or people I've dated would send pictures that gradually intensified.

Take a step back while you're both away. Try to establish connection beyond the physicality when you're away. I believe that's what she was trying to do when texting you she misses you etc., you just wanted to get her horny even though you weren't with her.

Yes I agree as you said I accelarated it as she did. And yes I was a bit horny... I mean the last time I was with a girl sexually was like 4 years ago. I started to connect with her too fast I feel like it. Wanted to have sex every day... and when I tried to pus hthese things aside she sent the pics about her... So that didn't help either  

Yea I'm just not sure if I should tell her these things like I miss her etc because it feels like she is a bit more distant today, talking about random stuff... yea I could be overthinking it now that I write it down.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like she was a little freaked out about your video. Very normal. The first time a boyfriend sent me such a video, it was a bit shocking and overwhelming. 

As for everything else, she sounds kind of insecure and needy, also pretty normal for a woman her age. Just maintain your own healthy boundaries. Deep down, women want strong men with good boundaries, not pushovers.

Edited December 30, 2019 by Ruby Slippers

[171]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Sounds like she was a little freaked out about your video. Very normal. The first time a boyfriend sent me such a video, it was a bit shocking and overwhelming. 

As for everything else, she sounds kind of insecure and needy, also pretty normal for a woman her age. Just maintain your own healthy boundaries. Deep down, women want strong men with good boundaries, not pushovers.

Yea, I felt wierd all day though like when we were together before I never felt any problems, jsut that she is happy with me and me with her. Now it feels like something's not right... mabye I just overthink it... she still talks about our weekend (sleepover time) and that she'll go to this mall buy some stuff etc, but she didn't wrote any emotional stuff like yesterday and before that. Maybe she lost interest or just freaked out by the vid and she is a bit more cold not sure.. I'm pretty anxious about tomorrow like how should I behave with her... cuddle her? kiss her? do the things as before? Or just stay a bit more distant? And with me sleeping there after the New Year's Eve.... i feel so wierd now that I shouldn't try to have sex with her, cuz that will push her away? I'm not sure maybe it's overthinking again.

[Brennan72]

all kinds of red flags here imho

The girl talks about ex-boyfriends still lurking in the background, casual sex, instability in her personal life, expresses doubt about your relationship, and sending conflicting signals

Now sending a video of you jerking off was a bad move, but ...

she sounds flaky and unreliable at best, and Miss Wrong at worst

If you are looking for something low-key and superficial, proceed. If you are looking for something of quality that might be long term, I would leave this one behind and look elsewhere 

[2BGoodAgain]

8 minutes ago, Brennan72 said:

all kinds of red flags here imho

The girl talks about ex-boyfriends still lurking in the background, casual sex, instability in her personal life, expresses doubt about your relationship, and sending conflicting signals

Now sending a video of you jerking off was a bad move, but ...

she sounds flaky and unreliable at best, and Miss Wrong at worst

If you are looking for something low-key and superficial, proceed. If you are looking for something of quality that might be long term, I would leave this one behind and look elsewhere 

agreed with all the above...

red flags everywhere... lol.

having said that... look, you can't gain something by not risking something, but you should be aware of it all before you leap in... if you're not aware of these possible risks, you should proceed with extreme caution. Love doesn't just vanish into thin air, you don't have to rush everything... unless you prefer a fast, intense relationship that burns up quickly too. lol.

sometimes, the intense connections two people have, are really their red flags getting twisted in the wind... and mistaking it for love. Not to say, it isn't love, but people who fall fast, tend to fall out fast too. you're obviously trying to protect yourself from the last relationship that left you hurt & trying to slow down, and she's insecure about her relationship with you, sending the pics etc, to make sure you stay with her...  but you're both accelerating to the flame faster b/c of your issues... 

so i don't want to be all doom and gloom with you... what the hell do I know? ... but yeah, i see red flags everywhere in this relationship...  i would proceed with caution. not just you, but her too.

you both have issues you two need to work on individually and together, b/c it's kinda like watching a 20 car crash pile up in slow motion... i'm wishing for the best, but all my experience tells me... it ain't gonna be pretty...

I wish you two much luck... 

if you feel really daring, i'd advise you BOTH to take the 5 love languages test, and the personality disorder test. the short version. It might give you a glimpse into each other.

[171]

14 minutes ago, Brennan72 said:

all kinds of red flags here imho

The girl talks about ex-boyfriends still lurking in the background, casual sex, instability in her personal life, expresses doubt about your relationship, and sending conflicting signals

Now sending a video of you jerking off was a bad move, but ...

she sounds flaky and unreliable at best, and Miss Wrong at worst

If you are looking for something low-key and superficial, proceed. If you are looking for something of quality that might be long term, I would leave this one behind and look elsewhere 

Looks kinda like that.. but if I don't send her the vid she wouldn't have felt this way, probably wouldn't have brought it up and she would just deal with it herself. There are things which I think about too but I don't tell her because it's my own fears and she doesn't need to worry about that. Like some things are ok if the timing correct but i kinda udnerstand your point. I still don't want to threw this one out yet.

[Brennan72]

6 minutes ago, 171 said:

Looks kinda like that.. but if I don't send her the vid she wouldn't have felt this way, probably wouldn't have brought it up and she would just deal with it herself. There are things which I think about too but I don't tell her because it's my own fears and she doesn't need to worry about that. Like some things are ok if the timing correct but i kinda udnerstand your point. I still don't want to threw this one out yet.

I don't think the vid is that big of a deal. Sure, it might have surprised her and maybe creeped her out a bit, but it doesn't appear to be a deal breaker.

my recommendation is to try and find out more about this girl. She talks about bad relationships, and hints at sleeping around. There is also this other boyfriend ...

If it is simply a case of a few short-term relationships and 1-2 jerks mistreating her, not a big deal.

If it is a case of her sleeping around with a lot of guys, not having any "real" relationships, being routinely mistreated, cheating on her boyfriends, or worse (sex vids out there, threesomes, etc.), I would run away. Unless you are looking for strictly sex, you don't need a damaged woman in your life that is going to cause headaches, drama, or worse. 

[171]

Just now, Brennan72 said:

I don't think the vid is that big of a deal. Sure, it might have surprised her and maybe creeped her out a bit, but it doesn't appear to be a deal breaker.

my recommendation is to try and find out more about this girl. She talks about bad relationships, and hints at sleeping around. There is also this other boyfriend ...

If it is simply a case of a few short-term relationships and 1-2 jerks mistreating her, not a big deal.

If it is a case of her sleeping around with a lot of guys, not having any "real" relationships, being routinely mistreated, cheating on her boyfriends, or worse (sex vids out there, threesomes, etc.), I would run away. Unless you are looking for strictly sex, you don't need a damaged woman in your life that is going to cause headaches, drama, or worse. 

Okay I have a bit of information about this. She had a lot of guys like almost 30... that's a bit wierd... BUT she never cheated any of his boyfriends, hates it. She had a lot of casual guys... but as I gathered from her she always wanted to be loved and a lot of guys just kinda used her cuz she can be a bit naive.

So I wouldn't think she would cheat in the future, as she told stories she hates that stuff. The girl seems very straightforward too so I'm not really questioning this. (yea it's pretty early we don't even know each other well but she is pretty outspoken about stuff)

And she said she feels like she is calm with me, and I can provide that affection that she searched for for a long time.

 

Now for that other guy, I don't know much about him, only that the guy lives a long way from here (like the other side of Europe) and they had some dates, i don't think they were ever in a relationship, it's just kinda like an adventure, but then she said the guy never really cared for her, she never knew his feelings but somehow she struggled to let the guy go.... she talked about this guy a week ago maybe that she didn't really want to bring him up cuz she didn't know how would I react but that she said she could let him go, and then a few weeks later we met in a mall, she did some questionaire with me, we didn't even know each other's name. She found me because according to her we were matched up in Tinder a year or two ago and she was like thinking about me then and when we met in that mall.. She is really a dreamer type of girl.

So anyway I don't know much about the guy just this, and I talked with her friend the other day ( i knew this friend of her a few years now) and that guy didn't really care for her and was kind of a dick.

[Brennan72]

54 minutes ago, 171 said:

Okay I have a bit of information about this. She had a lot of guys like almost 30... that's a bit wierd... BUT she never cheated any of his boyfriends, hates it. She had a lot of casual guys... but as I gathered from her she always wanted to be loved and a lot of guys just kinda used her cuz she can be a bit naive.

So I wouldn't think she would cheat in the future, as she told stories she hates that stuff. The girl seems very straightforward too so I'm not really questioning this. (yea it's pretty early we don't even know each other well but she is pretty outspoken about stuff)

And she said she feels like she is calm with me, and I can provide that affection that she searched for for a long time.

 

Now for that other guy, I don't know much about him, only that the guy lives a long way from here (like the other side of Europe) and they had some dates, i don't think they were ever in a relationship, it's just kinda like an adventure, but then she said the guy never really cared for her, she never knew his feelings but somehow she struggled to let the guy go.... she talked about this guy a week ago maybe that she didn't really want to bring him up cuz she didn't know how would I react but that she said she could let him go, and then a few weeks later we met in a mall, she did some questionaire with me, we didn't even know each other's name. She found me because according to her we were matched up in Tinder a year or two ago and she was like thinking about me then and when we met in that mall.. She is really a dreamer type of girl.

So anyway I don't know much about the guy just this, and I talked with her friend the other day ( i knew this friend of her a few years now) and that guy didn't really care for her and was kind of a dick.

30 guys at 25

apparently this is the "new normal". If I had that many girls I wouldn't even be able to remember half their names, and I wonder how women these days even find time for sleeping around that much.

Now if you are cool with that, it isn't much of an issue

but man! When I was in my teens and 20s, AIDS was still a big thing, and while I knew some people who had quite a few partners, most of us were careful and didn't jump into bed with everyone we met. I guess it kept us in check.

Honestly, I would take this one very casually. Doesn't sound like LTR material to me 

[Legatus]

Looks like there are red flags like other people said but instead of being overly cautious I would just slow it down. You need to work on your problems, individually, but it doesn't mean that you can't continue to get to know each other. 

Stop with the videos, don't comment on her physicality when she sends pictures, just be yourself. If you don't want to say you miss her - don't, if you do - say it, doesn't have to be in those exact words but any words, just to let her know that you still think of her. It's amazing that you managed to overtake her even though you wanted to get it slow. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks how mixed of a message it is now. You need to set the path for you straight, right now it's very twisted. 

I think when you regain this common level of understanding, then you can address few issues, have a proper chat, and see where it goes. It seems like she is open enough to be able to talk about those things, so relax and take it step by step..

[171]

13 hours ago, Brennan72 said:

30 guys at 25

apparently this is the "new normal". If I had that many girls I wouldn't even be able to remember half their names, and I wonder how women these days even find time for sleeping around that much.

Now if you are cool with that, it isn't much of an issue

but man! When I was in my teens and 20s, AIDS was still a big thing, and while I knew some people who had quite a few partners, most of us were careful and didn't jump into bed with everyone we met. I guess it kept us in check.

Honestly, I would take this one very casually. Doesn't sound like LTR material to me 

I guess that is, not my fav thing either.

Alright I'll keep it in mind, thanks for the tips.

 

12 hours ago, Legatus said:

Looks like there are red flags like other people said but instead of being overly cautious I would just slow it down. You need to work on your problems, individually, but it doesn't mean that you can't continue to get to know each other. 

Stop with the videos, don't comment on her physicality when she sends pictures, just be yourself. If you don't want to say you miss her - don't, if you do - say it, doesn't have to be in those exact words but any words, just to let her know that you still think of her. It's amazing that you managed to overtake her even though you wanted to get it slow. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks how mixed of a message it is now. You need to set the path for you straight, right now it's very twisted. 

I think when you regain this common level of understanding, then you can address few issues, have a proper chat, and see where it goes. It seems like she is open enough to be able to talk about those things, so relax and take it step by step..

When I slept at her place before Xmas it felt like we are so close. That's what started this whole rushing thing in me... Then she started to write she misses me then the sex texting, then the pictures then it got out of hand a bit.

We talked a bit yesterday she watched some movie which she really likes and makes her look into herself, and that she imagined how his life would go, and that his guy was loving him although this was never the case, and she wants to let it go, get on her feet and do the things herself and that why would she let her current happyness go just because she has this imagination in her head which is not even true in real life etc. It was a bit of eye opening for her, seemed like it at least. Then she said how good it would be if we could sleep together, me cuddling her, how long was the week without us being close to each other and how good will the weekend be as we deserve it for this whole bulls*** (we  set the weekend before  this whole thing so I guess that stands) etc... Meh, I guess it could be worse... We are meeting today for an hour before the NYE. Then I guess I'll sleep at her place... not sure about this though, maybe I should be more distant here give her more space (although she asked if I want to meet her before NYE for a bit).

Thanks for your answers though it really helps me think things through, and calm myself... heh.