fromheart Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 (edited) Posting this, as I see people go through it all the time. People become too busy, dates have to sometimes be postponed. However, when a partner cancels with no suggestion of rescheduling, its pretty much over. If you don't believe this, you'll most probably notice that when they do have time they are also not reaching out to you. In today's quick fix, sugar rush society they can become 'too busy,' out of the blue. One week they are seeing you consistently and are head over heels. Next week, radio silence. You reach out, they are 'busy.' That's it, call it a day. Save yourself the heartache. When a partner suddenly becomes too busy and doesn't offer a reschedule, I call it a day there. Life gets busy, it gets difficult. If they are not seeking you out for a moment of respite from life's difficulties, you are quite simply not doing it for them. Why waste anymore of their time or your time? We deserve partners who want to be with us and make the time. And as most of us know, when someone is really into you very little will stop them from seeing you. I find this applies to work also, if a customer has had a taste of the service you have to offer and are not coming back for more, its not worth pursuing them. I tend to leave the door open in business though, they can always come back though I wont be regarding them as serious, committed customers. The serious and committed get my full attention. Edited December 29, 2019 by fromheart 3 1
stillafool Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 I absolutely agree with you. People make time for those they want to spend time with and if they are not rescheduling and following through, they're just not interested in you. 2
Watercolors Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 "Promises, promises..." 100% agree with you. "I'm too busy" is the LAMEST excuse in the book. Look, we all share the same 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week. No one is really 'too busy' to spend time with you. It boils down to the two categories people place each other in: priority and option. Ghosting isn't age discriminate either. When people 'ghost me' I used to get upset. Now, I just look at it as their passive-aggressive way of telling me I'm not a priority to them in their life. I don't want to waste time with people who are that immature. 1
OatsAndHall Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 I'm more understanding if I know they're running on a hectic schedule. But, in those scenarios, I push to make plans ahead of time and walk away if they don't follow through. If they're truly interested in me, they'll have no problems making plans for the weekend by Wednesday. Generally speaking, I know that they're not all that interested in me if they won't nail down something by midweek. I dated a gal for a bit who was running on a hectic schedule but wouldn't make plans any sooner than Thursday. We weren't exclusive, I got tired of waiting for her so I went out with other women. She got angry when I told her my weekend was completely full one Thursday night and I stopped seeing her. The woman I am seeing right now works 50 hour weeks, has an 18 year old son at home and a lot of time commitments with her family. I was kind of hesitant to keep seeing her after the first date because it was obvious she had a ton of irons in the fire. But, we had a wonderful second date which kept me hooked. We agreed that Friday nights would be ours to spend together and she's made that work within her schedule. And, as we've gone along, she's opened up more time to spend together. I was kind of bummed that I wouldn't get to spend NYE with her but understood that she had made plans with her family before she started seeing me. So, without me asking, she opened up New Year's Day for us which is awesome. 2
Watercolors Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 19 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said: I'm more understanding if I know they're running on a hectic schedule. If you already know they're running late that means they haven't ghosted you, b/c they took the time to text you to tell you they are running late. If someone won't commit to spending time with you, the only reason is because they don't want to.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 Too busy = not that into you. Even the busiest man or woman makes time for what they really want. 2
The Outlaw Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 It's just an easy way of saying, 'I'm just not into you.' Not like any one is really losing anything when the effort can't equally be made on their end. 1
Author fromheart Posted December 30, 2019 Author Posted December 30, 2019 I'd say this also applies to when there is a sudden distance, something else that is regularly posted here. One week they are in contact on a regular basis and can't seem to get enough of the other person. All flowing and effortless. Then radio silence. You might reach out after a couple of days and receives a friendly, luke warm reply. Nothing like last date, or last week. This is usually where the downhill slope begins. You may make efforts to bridge the gap, but it never really closes again. In fact the more you reach out, the greater the distance becomes. I often say, I give a very short time for a partner to reply and then declare myself single when a reply is not forthcoming. This sounds extreme, but in the vast majority of cases it will never be the same with them ever again. If they want you, they will be banging down the door to get in. If they are not, well they are not. And probably never will be. Again, why waste your time and theirs? Get back to self improvement and the never ending list of life's challenges. Life is too short to waste on these things. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 You're throwing strikes, fromtheheart. There is no such thing as accidental distance, as if the person suddenly unavailable has just forgotten to return our call ... or is preoccupied with another matter. But it's so hard to come out of denial ... hard to come out of denial quickly, though I have to say, the last time this happened to me ... I came out of denial in a day or two. 1
basil67 Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) 14 hours ago, fromheart said: Sorry, still can't figure out how to delete text boxes from accidental quotes.. Anyway, I do think there's such a thing as 'too busy'. Too busy with friends, too busy with other dates, working 12 hour days, single parents...just to name a few. Sometimes I read of people who make a match on OLD but can't schedule a meet for two weeks because both are so busy! What's that all about? I mean, if you can't meet within a week, then surely you're not in a place to be dating. Edited December 30, 2019 by basil67 2
Legatus Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 @basil67 great point. I always thought that if one does have indeed a hectic schedule and knows making plans might be difficult if not improbable, then they shouldn't even date. Of course it might take getting to know somebody to shift priorities and perhaps that's why they're there but I believe if you have a mindset of making an effort for the right person, despite of how busy your life is, then you will find a way to make it happen. @fromheart when it came to ghosting I got a different answer that fits into your subject too: "I am very bad at managing relationships". After few weeks I called her out on it when she commended on my effort of sending postcards to my friend in Canada, who doesn't use social media. I told her that this statement is just an outcome but the reason is just that people are not a priority, not even her sisters, brother, or her mam. She got angry saying I'm just assuming things even though I said it's just my opinion based on what she said. Another one I got from the same person was that "If I don't reply instantly then I get a mental block".. that was after I waited another week for a reply... People... 1
Author fromheart Posted December 30, 2019 Author Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) 8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You're throwing strikes, fromtheheart. There is no such thing as accidental distance, as if the person suddenly unavailable has just forgotten to return our call ... or is preoccupied with another matter. But it's so hard to come out of denial ... hard to come out of denial quickly, though I have to say, the last time this happened to me ... I came out of denial in a day or two. It can hurt like hell. It hurts me, don't get me wrong. These people have something amazing about them, that's why we started to let them into our space in the first place. When the door starts to close, we want it open. That's where the danger lies, without discipline we start to knock on the door asking to be let back in. 'Will you have time next week? When can I see you again?' The response is inevitable. 'Your needy, you don't give me space, I'm not attracted to you now etc.' Or they try and recapture their thin sugar coating which works for a short time, and its back to the same point again. It becomes an up and down relationship. One person may become so addicted to the good side of the other, that they are willing to take abuse to see that side. This is one reason why so many people live their lives in abusive relationships. Some people start to blame themselves. 'Perhaps I'm the one who is pushing them away.' To which I say, if your putting in some self work and another person can't see your potential, they don't deserve to share that potential. For sure, there may be some stuff going on internally, that's not allowing you to have the flowing relationships you deserve. But tolerating time wasters is definitely part of that problem. When that door starts to close, I boot it shut. It doesn't matter how beautiful and charming a woman can be, in work it doesn't matter how much a client is paying me. Should the situation dictate, I may offer a FWB or take an occasional job from a well paying, but flakey, client. But I ruthlessly treat them as here today and gone tomorrow and with complete detachment, so that my life is open for the committed people whom I deserve and deserve me. I'd rather be alone and die trying in my self work, then settle for less than what I deserve and am capable of. Otherwise, your life is going to be full of people who let you down. These people have to be cleared out to live a good, healthy life. Edited December 30, 2019 by fromheart 1
2BGoodAgain Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 yeah, people get busy. But if they don't reschedule, or even if they re-schedule but their time is constantly not prioritizing you... that means even if they like you, they won't be prioritizing you into the relationship. avoid the heart ache and find a person who has the time for you that you want. attraction is easy, a relationship is hard... a lasting relationship ... quite difficult, but VERY worthwhile. 2
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 You call these people 'partners'. Are we talking about casual dating or established relationships? To me a 'partner' is someone I am in an official relationship with. If someone I have been dating a year suddenly becomes busy then you need a heart-to-heart, the relationship may need an adjustment. If we're talking casual dating then it's just how the game is played, they all fade away until one doesn't.
Watercolors Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) Busy is an decision a person makes when they can't be bothered to follow through on a promise to another person and don't want to be held accountable. Edited December 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted off-site link and quote
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 I'm in IT and my friend is a lawyer. Both super busy. We find time to see each other a couple of times a day or plan ahead to do so...no excuses. 2
Metsgal Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 I think the next time a guy tells me he's "too busy" I'm going to call him out. Listen, if doctor/brain surgeon/ER physician can make time for their wife/kids, even if they do get busy, they still make time for them no matter what.
basil67 Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 3 minutes ago, Metsgal said: I think the next time a guy tells me he's "too busy" I'm going to call him out. Listen, if doctor/brain surgeon/ER physician can make time for their wife/kids, even if they do get busy, they still make time for them no matter what. Metsgal, if you call them out, you'll likely get the real truth. Can you handle the truth? Most people can't.
Legatus Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 But there is a chance that when people hear it more often they get to appreciate it better. After my ghosting I will always appreciate, from now on, when somebody tells me "you know what, I don't want to see you / can't feel it /etc." because it not only gives closure but is also a very valid reason to stop talking immediately. I wish that the default would be the truth and rather have people not being able to handle it and train themselves to be able to handle it rather than try to convince ghosters to have balls to say the truth.. 1
Metsgal Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 30 minutes ago, basil67 said: Metsgal, if you call them out, you'll likely get the real truth. Can you handle the truth? Most people can't. I prefer the truth, than ghosting, excuses, lies, or whatever people call it these days. Like Legatus posted, the truth will give them closure if they told that person they don't want to see them every again, rather than, tell someone they are extremely busy...because you know what? The busy excuse gives them hope and they will continue to reach out.
Legatus Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 I think once somebody has a bad ghosting experience, then they would appreciate truth better. It might be the case of perception. Imagine people who are never ghosted but are always told the truth, whatever it is. They might take it too personally or even that something is wrong with them but they don't know how much worse ghosting is.
Watercolors Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 18 minutes ago, Legatus said: I think once somebody has a bad ghosting experience, then they would appreciate truth better. Ghosters never tell the truth. That's why they're ghosters. A guy I knew for a few months invited me out for coffee but ghosted me. When I texted him that his ghosting me for a date that he initiated really irritated me, his response was to give me 4 flimsy excuses after-the-fact. Sorry, but if those 4 excuses were really why he no-showed, he had plenty of time to tell me in advance of the coffee date that he had to cancel and reschedule. I appreciate being told the truth despite being ghosted. I think anyone would prefer to have their feelings respected instead of being stood up. That's just common sense. Ghosting is immature because it shows you that the person ghosting you doesn't respect your feelings at all.
The Outlaw Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 But in hindsight, you're better off without a ghoster than with one. Be with someone that wants to be with you and won't just cut and run without notice.
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