Don’t know which way to go from here, I was the Other Man

[Sadnlost]

Hello all in desperate need of guidance,as the title says I was the OM in my 2year affair but i am afraid it has ruined me for life..I met my MW at our work place( I was new there)  and I was immediately captivated by a sheer beauty, to make matters worse she was my supervisor/mentor so all this made her even more unique in my eyes..

 

I never really had a problem getting women but when she told me she was married she immediately became something of an unobtainable prize to me ( forbidden fruit syndrome I guess)..At first our conversations were strictly professional and business related but as time went on we got more friendly with each other. The more time I spent with her the more I was drawn in by her wit and Sharp tongue, I began to take her out on lunch hour just to let her know how much I appreciated the guidance and leadership she was giving me in the company..This led to mild Flirting and innocent jokes from time to time.

 

At some point I came to learn she was having marital problems at home and her husband seemed to be pushing her away..I am ashamed of this and will hate myself for life but I saw it as an opportunity and I began comforting her well knowing full well how vulnerable she wants. After one of our lunches I gave her a long deep hug to which she didn’t resist then as we separated I Kissed her, she was shocked and didn’t say anything simply went home.I sent her a txt apologizing for my actions but stating that she is a beautiful woman who is spoiled for choice and that I couldn’t control myself.

We met the the next day she thanked me for the txt but stated we should be strictly workmates, of course this didn’t last long and soon we were in an affair.I fell for her hard even tho I didn’t intend to and I think she did me as well..During this time I thought her husband had no idea and if he didn’t  recognize the changes in his wife’s behavior then he didn’t deserve her (stupid and selfish thinking).I pushed her to leave her H but just a month shy of her doing so he passed away.

At first I thought it was a clean break and after some time we could be together officially but to my surprise and shock he did know and left a  letter to his wife. He had been diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and didn’t know how to tell his wife and when he noticed the change in her behavior he did some investigating and discovered our affair, instead confronting her he was relieved that she would have someone to take care of her after he was gone and that he didn’t blame or hate her..This Obviously  shook my MW to her core and she basically had a nervous breakdown..

She cut off contact with me and left the company, I desperately wanted to make sure she was ok  so I asked a Mutual friend to visit her but what she told me made me want to die..Our Mutual friend had taken  my MW to visit her late husband’s grave, at the grave my MW broke down and hugged his tombstone screaming that she was sorry and she should’ve been a better wife.

 

i showed up at her place unannounced, she looked at me and attacked me blaming me for stealing the time she had left with the only man she loved,she also said if I contacted her again she would killed herself..

So feel free to rip me apart but how do I move forward like this..

[pepperbird]

Rip you apart for what exactly? You are not responsible for her actions and choices any more than she is for yours.

If you don't mind a piece of advice, I would let go of my guilt towards her and how she feels. She chose her path, and the blowback she is experiencing is her own fault, not yours.

As for her husband? You do have reaosn to feel guilty about sneaking around with his wife behind his back. He's gone now, and perhaps the best way to make amends would be to learn from what happened and never do it again.

[mark clemson]

This sound like an incredibly rare situation. At the risk of stating what's obvious, it sounds like she is feeling extreme guilt about what happened as well as "never will be able to make this right". She probably now idealizes her dead husband, and he will of course never return to show his "only human" side in a way that would temper that. It's possible she never wanted the affair to be more than comfort during a rough patch and not have the relationship with you turn into something more enduring.

At any rate, despite how you feel, it very much sounds like the best thing is for you to leave her alone and move on. Easier said than done, but she's made her views very clear. IF at some point she contacts you of her own accord, that would be the time to discuss any getting back together. Honestly that sounds EXTREMELY unlikely. My suggestion is that you work on getting over her and moving on.

[BaileyB]

I think you do what most people do after a breakup - go to the gym, get drunk with your buddies, possibly have sex with another woman, and give it time...

And finally, get yourself some counselling if you are really not coping...

Something that would help, you need to know that she is not the only women available to you. You have clearly idolized this woman but she is a woman with flaws, like every other. In fact, I would say that she has a fatal flaw given the fact that she was willing to betray her husband. She clearly has other issues in her life, clearly not interested in pursuing this relationship further. So, I would suggest that you get up, dust yourself off, find something else to focus your attention, and remember that this too shall pass...

And finally, I agree with pepperbird - if you want to make amends, learn from this experience and don’t ever cheat again. 

Edited December 30, 2019 by BaileyB

[FMW]

Wow, that's rough.  I think you should consider talking to a counselor to help you deal with this.    

The dramatic circumstances aside, moving on from this will require the same things as normal breakups.  Do things that require your focus and attention (hobbies, sports, projects around the house, etc.) and spend time with friends and family.  And what everyone hates to hear, but it's very true - it will just take time.  

This has been a valuable and painful life lesson, so learn what you need to from it and focus on moving forward, not looking back.  Specifically, if you have any temptation to reach out to her again - don't do it.  Don't hang on, work hard on letting it go.  

[2BGoodAgain]

stay away from her.

if the feelings you had for her and she for you, no matter how it started, were genuine, it may continue again at a proper time.

She's currently in mourning and guilt. She needs to get over this on her own accord.

It wont matter what you say now, and even if she accepts you, it may not be YOU that she's looking for, but rather, just comfort.

Like others above, stay away, go to a gym/workout, work on yourself, but if you truly want a long term relationship with her, than keep the lines of communication open, but stay away. Also don't sleep around to ease your feelings of loneliness. Hang out with friends and family, see a therapist if you need to talk about this, or a very trusted friend... but stay away from her, until she's ready.

more than likely, she may have been vulnerable to you b/c of her relationship with her hub, not b/c she would have started anything with you... so be aware of this, and from you, it was a challenge...  may not be "love" as you feel it, but who knows, mebbe you started feeling something beyond the chase... and perhaps you genuinely feel something.

but regardless, stay away and focus on your own life, until she's in a better place. no guarantees, but that's probably the best outcome if you want something long term with her.

but honestly... you should get some therapy and figure some things out. 

[Jordan's thoughts]

2 hours ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

stay away from her.

if the feelings you had for her and she for you, no matter how it started, were genuine, it may continue again at a proper time.

She's currently in mourning and guilt. She needs to get over this on her own accord.

It wont matter what you say now, and even if she accepts you, it may not be YOU that she's looking for, but rather, just comfort.

Like others above, stay away, go to a gym/workout, work on yourself, but if you truly want a long term relationship with her, than keep the lines of communication open, but stay away. Also don't sleep around to ease your feelings of loneliness. Hang out with friends and family, see a therapist if you need to talk about this, or a very trusted friend... but stay away from her, until she's ready.

more than likely, she may have been vulnerable to you b/c of her relationship with her hub, not b/c she would have started anything with you... so be aware of this, and from you, it was a challenge...  may not be "love" as you feel it, but who knows, mebbe you started feeling something beyond the chase... and perhaps you genuinely feel something.

but regardless, stay away and focus on your own life, until she's in a better place. no guarantees, but that's probably the best outcome if you want something long term with her.

but honestly... you should get some therapy and figure some things out. 

I second this, right now she probably sees you as the enemy. A devil in sheep's skin if u will, so the best thing for you to do is stay away and learn to forgive yourself. She most likely is also having a hard time dealing and accepting her role in this hence the "  nervous breakdown " and " hugging his tombstone" and not to sound like a  broken record  But chances are she may have been using you as comfort with no intention of  pursuing  An actual relationship.

 

[Hip Pocket]

I don’t see why you’re being painted as the villain here. You both had an attraction to each other and made separate choices to be with each other. You did not coerce her or force yourself on her so don’t blame yourself. 
 

Regarding her breakdown, I do think you should stay away until she reaches back out. Once she heals from all this she may see her reaction to her H’s death as irrational. It must have been shocking to learn that he knew about the affair. Yet, he did give his blessing so why the need to blow up at you? That part just doesn’t make sense. 
 

I hope she gets over it and reaches back out. 

[elaine567]

38 minutes ago, Pocket said:

I don’t see why you’re being painted as the villain here. You both had an attraction to each other and made separate choices to be with each other. You did not coerce her or force yourself on her so don’t blame yourself. 

He knows how much this situation developed due to his scheming and the manipulation of a woman who was vulnerable due to her husband who was "pushing her away".
He knows he exploited the situation for his own ends, he knows and owns his part in this ultimately very sad story.
He knows she knows too, and that is a big hit to his ego.
He acted like a bounder and a cad and that for a guy who probably thought he was the good guy saving the beautiful damsel from the ogre is difficult to process...
The ogre was really the good guy and now Sadnlost is the ogre... a complete turnaround.
Not easy.
He needs to forgive himself, and try to move on and not look back.

I doubt this situation is now recoverable, she is no doubt in a very bad place, grief, sadness, regret, devastation, and she could be "broken" for literally years and years, best to stay away and not torture her further...

[Hip Pocket]

Nobody is encouraging him to do anything. And he isn’t an ogre. He fell for a MW, that’s it, and she accepted his advances and that’s on her. 

[pepperbird]

Neither the OP is a villain or victim here. It's just two adults who screwed up.

Op, I would distance myself from her. There is something about her "grief" that doesn't smell right to me. It seems to be quite put on, bordering on histrionics. She had no problem sticking the knife in his back fay after day while she was cheating, and now that he's gone she suddenly cares?

Sounds like the way my kids were when they were two., They only wanted a toy when someone else had it. Take it away from them, and the temper tantrums started.
They outgrew that when they left being a toddler behind. I guess she didn't.

[LeoS]

At the very least the OP acknowledges his role in all this and I concur with the Majority  majority of the advice given, stay away she probably had no intention of leaving her marriage abd used u as comforte and get some  counseling  U definitely need it after all this..

[Dimjo9]

On 12/29/2019 at 2:41 AM, Sadnlost said:

Hello all in desperate need of guidance,as the title says I was the OM in my 2year affair but i am afraid it has ruined me for life..I met my MW at our work place( I was new there)  and I was immediately captivated by a sheer beauty, to make matters worse she was my supervisor/mentor so all this made her even more unique in my eyes..

 

I never really had a problem getting women but when she told me she was married she immediately became something of an unobtainable prize to me ( forbidden fruit syndrome I guess)..At first our conversations were strictly professional and business related but as time went on we got more friendly with each other. The more time I spent with her the more I was drawn in by her wit and Sharp tongue, I began to take her out on lunch hour just to let her know how much I appreciated the guidance and leadership she was giving me in the company..This led to mild Flirting and innocent jokes from time to time.

 

At some point I came to learn she was having marital problems at home and her husband seemed to be pushing her away..I am ashamed of this and will hate myself for life but I saw it as an opportunity and I began comforting her well knowing full well how vulnerable she wants. After one of our lunches I gave her a long deep hug to which she didn’t resist then as we separated I Kissed her, she was shocked and didn’t say anything simply went home.I sent her a txt apologizing for my actions but stating that she is a beautiful woman who is spoiled for choice and that I couldn’t control myself.

We met the the next day she thanked me for the txt but stated we should be strictly workmates, of course this didn’t last long and soon we were in an affair.I fell for her hard even tho I didn’t intend to and I think she did me as well..During this time I thought her husband had no idea and if he didn’t  recognize the changes in his wife’s behavior then he didn’t deserve her (stupid and selfish thinking).I pushed her to leave her H but just a month shy of her doing so he passed away.

At first I thought it was a clean break and after some time we could be together officially but to my surprise and shock he did know and left a  letter to his wife. He had been diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and didn’t know how to tell his wife and when he noticed the change in her behavior he did some investigating and discovered our affair, instead confronting her he was relieved that she would have someone to take care of her after he was gone and that he didn’t blame or hate her..This Obviously  shook my MW to her core and she basically had a nervous breakdown..

She cut off contact with me and left the company, I desperately wanted to make sure she was ok  so I asked a Mutual friend to visit her but what she told me made me want to die..Our Mutual friend had taken  my MW to visit her late husband’s grave, at the grave my MW broke down and hugged his tombstone screaming that she was sorry and she should’ve been a better wife.

 

i showed up at her place unannounced, she looked at me and attacked me blaming me for stealing the time she had left with the only man she loved,she also said if I contacted her again she would killed herself..

So feel free to rip me apart but how do I move forward like this..

Hi Sadnlost,

You should have not pursued her in the beginning.. This is what cavaliers called Respect & Dignity for our kind.. ( which u don’t have )

You took advantage of her vulnerability & feasted on it.. 

The husband died a man betrayed by both of you.. to be frank the affair push him to the limits & progress the cancer..
 

“Thou shall not covet other man’s wife” & “thou shall not commit adultery”.. you both violated this provisions of the 10 commandments..

You being the one that actively pursued her & pull her away will have the gravest punishment.. Karmic Justice - “so as we reap we shall sow” will be yours for life..

Since a Husband died knowing he was cheated by both of you & no more strength to fight for his marriage because of his condition makes it fatal..

”Vengeance is Mine” is the word of our creator.. This is the 1st thread i read that a lost of life occurred during the affair.. 

Do you know where he is buried? Ask your common friend & go there.. ask for forgiveness & promise him you will take care of his W for life.. make this your personal quest to actively pursue her & take good care of her till your last breath..

Be also wary of the 4Horseman they will come & deliver justice.. the one in Pale Horse is the deadliest.. everything u love & cared he will take away.. Since a life was lost.. the other 3horseman will join..

Your MW has children or no ? If they have more problem for u..

The only solution i can give u is repent everyday.. try to talk to your MW, Both of U will have a lifetime of pain & suffering..

Relationship after relationship u will both be betrayed; the pain will be 101% more than the Husband felt... 

 

 

 

[Baman]

On 12/29/2019 at 9:11 PM, Sadnlost said:

So feel free to rip me apart but how do I move forward like this..

You practiced the art of manipulation. I have read it and heard it plenty by guys teaching guys how to get any woman they want. It's toxic.

You know it, so really no one needs to rip you apart. You might want that though as some sort of flagellation. 

Move forward? Simple. Wear it, own it. Never do it again.