IncogniB Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 (edited) So I met this girl a month ago. We've hung out a few times now, and had been texting and talking on the phone since we met. We last hung out on Thursday night, and I told her that I wanted to see one another exclusively as we continue learning one another. I like(d) her, and she said she felt the same way about me. She said that she wasn't speaking to anyone aside from me, but couldn't give me what I wanted or needed at this time in terms of attention, because she was focused on finishing grad school in May 2020. She also told me that she stopped talking to someone she had been dealing with rather recently, because he wasn't what she wanted or needed. She said that I seemed to be good for her, but we were still new to one another, and she needed time to herself to reach her goals, and get herself back. Ok, cool I respect it. After this conversation we went to boxcar, played some games and had some drinks. Ended up kissing a bit before going our separate ways. Yesterday morning she texted me saying that her friends were 'appalled', by one of my comments. I made a joke Thursday night saying that I wasn't looking for a penpal. We both laughed about it when I said it, but she ran it by them, and I guess they told her it was a red flag smh. She didn't respond to my last message yesterday, and we haven't talked since. I really don't feel that I did anything wrong, and I was going to give her until Monday to reach out. If she doesn't contact me today or tomorrow, should I reach out to her in a couple of days to see how she's feeling, or should I just leave it alone? I wouldn't mind taking things slow, continuing to text and hang out when we can. She said she'd be fine with that too, on Thursday, but communication seems to have come to a halt. Edited December 28, 2019 by IncogniB
K.K. Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 What part of your joke wasn’t true though. You’re not looking for a pen pal. If her friends could find fault in something so innocent, A) they have no common sense nor sense of humor. And B) if she listens to everything her wet blanket friends say, she’s probably not much fun anyway. Just my opinion- I feel I need to point that out.
Brennan72 Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 Analyze the situation rationally 1. She is being vague about spending time with you, steering clear of making any commitments or promises. Red flag. 2. When you guys do actually go out, her friends are there. Not a good situation for you, as jealous women will rip you down and bad-mouth you to your would-be-girlfriend. Now this doesn't always happen, but 80% it does. 3. "Hanging out" isn't dating. It's casual, low-effort stuff. If she calls you out on the "penpal" comment, simply say "yeah, I'm not a teenager, and I am looking for a nice girl to date. I don't want to waste my time quite frankly". I would put her way on the back-burner and look elsewhere. If she comes back around with a better attitude, maybe you can continue with this, but I would put in minimal effort and attention at this point.
Author IncogniB Posted December 28, 2019 Author Posted December 28, 2019 Thanks for the comments. I too feel that her friends are being unreasonable out of jealousy and envy. Her friends aren't present when we go out. We've gone on a few dates: dinner, the movies, coffee and arcade. I was developing a genuine liking towards her. And my comment was made in jest, but true at the core. I even explained myself yesterday, which I don't normally do. When she said that my comment was appalling, this was my respomse: I'm going to be honest; I'm looking to get to know someone. Not rush or jump into anything quickly, but if it ends up potentially being something of substance down the line, I'd welcome it. However, just shooting the breeze solely for the sake of having someone to text every now and again is of little interest to me. If that paints me in a bad light, I'll just have to wear that sneaker. She hasn't contacted me since, and I just feel a bit dejected.
preraph Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 Sounds like a penpal is exactly what she's looking for. Look, she's already told you she can't give you the time because of school. I'm not saying her grad school isn't busy, but people tend to find time to at least go out once a week when they're young, no matter what. She has a recent relationship of some type, though no sign if it was real or more penpaling. Thing is when a woman gives you a reason she can't be very involved, that is her saying she's not really very interested. I think she would just as soon only penpal you and that you are wasting time here. And what you're doing hanging out isn't really serious dating anyway. To her, you may be what she considered a friend and now she is uncomfortable you are wanting more. She does some kissing, but that's probably because she has a hard time saying no, which is also why she has told you her friends have a problem, which may not even be true. That may be her being cowardly and having a hard time because she's a young girl, nearly all of whom really hate to make anyone mad by rejecting them. Please just take the hint and don't waste your time on this. 2
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 Hah you can convince yourself that going slow is ok.....but you know it’s not gonna be....that’s why you are here. She is going to cool your jets and keep you at arms length, and be heavily influenced by her friends. She proving a point and you don’t even see it. You don’t want to be her penpal....well she’s complying is she not? No more texting each other everyday lol. She’s leading you on. She’s just going to do or say enough to keep you hanging on. She told you she can’t give you what you want.....I’d walk away now. I don’t think you will make it to Cuddle Buddy status. 1
Wanderlust2018 Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 Wow, for her friends to use the word “appalled” seems pretty harsh and judgmental. It matters what she thinks, not some opinions her friends cooked up out of envy, jealousy, or whatever... I know personally, I have some friends I turn to for sage advice, and others I don’t because their judgement is questionable. I still like them all the same, but... More than once, I’ve read stories on here about “lack of time due to grad school” around dating, time, commitments and such. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again... As a person who went through grad school, it’s very doable while balancing a relationship, career and whatever else life throws at one. I along with 24 former classmates can attest to that...been there, done that and got the proverbial T-shirt. Statements like that just don’t fly with me...it’s an excuse. I mean, aside from that, sheesh, she’s five months out from being done? At this point, she should be pretty well in sync with balancing life and things; it isn’t like she just started grad school. As others have said, I’d seriously cool my jets with her and put her on the back burner. I wouldn’t reach out to her again at this point.
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 2 hours ago, IncogniB said: She said that I seemed to be good for her, but we were still new to one another, and she needed time to herself to reach her goals, and get herself back. Ok, cool I respect it. After this conversation we went to boxcar, played some games and had some drinks. Ended up kissing a bit before going our separate ways. She needs time to herself to reach her goals and get herself back... She told you it was a no go. You didn't respect what she told you, you pressed ahead. The friends being appalled thing was another attempt to tell you it was a no go You still didn't get the message... She has now stopped responding... 2
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 Dont press exclusivity, if it happens then great but keep your options open
spiderowl Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 (edited) It sounds like she's not as keen as you, perhaps because she hasn't had chance to get to know you well enough yet. I would not have thought that all was lost because of that. Sometimes time spent together can make the heart grow fonder, so to speak, but it seems you want more of a commitment at this point in time. Regarding the comment about 'not looking for a penpal'. I think the context is what matters here. You may not be looking for a penpal but saying that, or writing it (don't know the context), is a way of saying upfront 'I won't put up with less'. If someone is feeling unsure but happy to date and see, then such a phrase would feel controlling. I have had written exchanges with guys online where they are quick to say in messages that they are not looking for a penpal. What does that say to me? It says they are not willing to get to know me a bit online before meeting. It says they expect more from the start. It says they have no patience and expect to have what they want. It says they do not trust women not to mess them about. They might not intend that - they might really intend to say they are keen to find a love interest and would really like to meet soon, but it doesn't come across like that. There is a certain snappishness and peevishness about it. It is a phrase that would make me avoid a guy instinctively. I have a feeling that you were inadvertently putting pressure on this woman and she reacted accordingly. She talked to her friends about feeling pressure to commit early and they said not a good idea. There is nothing wrong in what you want and you may be saving yourself from wasting time on her, but patience and love are virtues that matter as well and by pushing things too early you may be shooting yourself in the foot. Edited December 28, 2019 by spiderowl 1
Ellener Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 Going slow is fine if you're going in the same direction.... 2
schlumpy Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 You aren't listening to her. She doesn't want to be committed. If that's Ok with you then take what she will give. If not, then look elsewhere. I don't see her changing her mind especially with her bogus excuse about how her friends were "appalled." Don't get emotionally trapped. 1
OatsAndHall Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 Honestly, if her friends weren't there, they were responding to your comment within the framework of how she brought it up with them. I get the feeling that she wasn't painting a pleasant picture of your relationship with her when she made mention of you comment. She laughed it off with you but probably played it up as a red flag herself while talking to them. And, honestly, there would be no "good" context in which she would talk about your comment with her friends anyway. That would be enough for me to move on. If she hits you up down the road, then I would have a conversation about why she chose to talk about your comment with her friends. She should have said something to you directly if it bothered her and not gone running to her friends.
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