Don't Agree with Separation

[DesertSun]

I am hoping to get some advice. My boyfriend and I got into a fight this weekend (verbal only) over something stupid. He tends to be a bit tempermental at times, but all in all things usually are great. Well he started in on me Saturday. From the moment that we woke up (we live together) it was like he was itching for a fight. Everything I said would annoy him, but I tried to just go with it and thought maybe his mood will improve. Well it didn't and he started to nitpick and I let him know he was hurting my feelings. This enraged him, and he started to scream in my face as we were driving home from the store, and said that if I said anything back he was going to pull the car over and leave me on the highway to walk home. He also called me a f***er. I was hurt and when we got home I just went off to be alone and cried. He came in and apologized etc. and then ultimately I just went to bed. Sunday was stressful as he got the idea of why don't we take a one month break, and then after that I can move back into the house. Thing is I do not have any family within 3000 miles of here and his idea is to put me up in a longstay hotel for a month. This crushed me. I am so in love with him and it would be so deeply depressing to be in a hotel for a month. I just would feel like I was abandoned and ultimately, he says it will help him think about us more clearly, but I think it would just make me feel pushed away because I think that if there is a problem, instead of avoiding it we should work it out with each other. I spoke to him about it and he agreed that I might be right and said I should stay. The hurtful thing is though, since that happened, he is acting very distant to me and I don't know why. I have been with him a year and a half and he means the world to me. I would pretty much do anything for this man, but I don't understand how he could just feel like calling things off on a whim like that and it doesn't hurt him. To me that is devastating. Am I missing something here? Do I have a screw loose? Please help as I am so confused I can't think straight.

[Art_Critic]

What an as*..If anybody should be put up in a hotel it should be him..

 

It doesn't matter who owns the house.. You don't have any family near you.

 

I would seriously think about getting out..

 

The maturity of your boyfriend is seriously lacking.. You 2 are in a commited relationship..

 

I say either stay and work it out or leave for good.. But no BS hotel.. Why would you want to be degraded to the point you are treated like a piece of furniture ?

[DesertSun]

I just feel like I am still in a fog about the whole thing. It really hit me like a ton of bricks to hear that he wanted to separate for a time, and then to hear him bumble about where to put me since I don't have family here. I feel so torn up right now that I am actually wondering if it was just a blunder on his part and I should just see how it goes over the next few days or if I should just pack my stuff and jump on a plane back to the east coast. I just don't know.

 

I do know I am confused and just want to be sure that I do the right thing. The last thing I would want to do is jeopardize a relationship that I thought was great, and valuable to me in case he just overreacted. I guess time will bring me to that answer. Just so confusing. Hard to be the party that is left hanging.

 

I do agree though, I would feel like a piece of furniture or a yoyo to go along with his idea. I think it would be unfair to me and unhealthy as it would be me allowing him to walk all over my feelings. I just don't think it is right to be able to be "shelved" and brought back out when needed. In my opinion if you can do that to someone, perhaps it is just time to move on altogether? Ugh, my mind is going a mile a minute..

[Scott S]

[sNIP] I feel so torn up right now that I am actually wondering if it was just a blunder on his part and I should just see how it goes over the next few days or if I should just pack my stuff and jump on a plane back to the east coast. I just don't know.

 

You did not say you were in any danger of physical injury (i.e. being slapped, etc.), so I am assuming that you aren't, at least for now.

 

Before doing anything permanent in nature (going back to the East Coast), perhaps a cooling-off is in order. Is it feasible for you to spend a few nights in another room of the house? Just to be out of each other's faces?

 

I just don't think it is right to be able to be "shelved" and brought back out when needed. In my opinion if you can do that to someone, perhaps it is just time to move on altogether?

 

No, it isn't right to "shelve" someone. You aren't a power tool. You're a person with feelings & dignity who deserves to be respected.

 

Only you can decide whether it's time to move on. Being treated like that would tend to suggest that, but the question to ask yourself is "Am I better with or without him?"

 

__________________________________

If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. - Yogi Berra

[JosiePosie]

Oh man, my situation is similar to yours. Things were great between my bf and I (aside from little issues which we would talk about and resolve) uptil the beginning of August. He than started becoming more withdrawn, depressed, moody, etc. We have been living together for about seven months at that time. I thought it was just us trying to adjust to one another, but he started talking about spending more time apart. He would talk about how stressed out he was, it was really wearing me down. I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible.

 

Around the end of August, things started popping up for me. A good friend passed away from cancer, mom had to be rushed into the hospital for emergency surgery, one of my nephews was tragically killed, another nephew tried to commit suicide. While all of this was happening, my bf wasn't very supportive or comforting. I tried to talk to him one night and he got up and slept on the couch. I was shocked and hurt. Finally I knew that I couldn't take it anymore.

 

The next morning, after he left for work, I called my mother and asked her to pick me up. After I told her what was happening, she said to pack up all of my stuff and wait for her. I cried so hard while packing. I couldn't believe that my bf was pushing me away emotionally and physicially. After all we have shared. I got along so well with his family and five year old son. Whenever he was troubled, I would be there to support him, and he than abandoned me when I needed him.

 

I love this man very much, I just can't believe how miserable he has become over the short while. I still talk to his sisters and even they don't know why he is behaving like a jerk. Apparently he hasn't talked about our relationship to anyone. He keeps to himself, withdrew into his own world. He went out with them this past weekend as the designated driver. I guess he behaved like a jerk the whole time. He did email me two weeks ago apologizing for putting me through this, he needs to be alone for awhile, and once he is able to see clearly again, he wants to talk and sort it out. I am on the fence on that.

 

It's not easy leaving him. I have memories of the good times and the hopes we had for our future. I come from three generations of abusive relationships. I knew deep down that my bf was being emotionally and mentally abusive, and as hard as it was, I couldn't let him treat me that way. I still cry about it. It sounds funny but I am glad that I am not the only one he is being miserable to. Because a part of me wonders what I have done to have him be this way. Now I know it is not me.

 

So going from my current situation, don't let your guy treat you that way. The only way you will get the respect and love you deserve is if you get out of there. Once he starts to see clearly, he will come back. I have to keep asking myself if him coming back and reconciling is in my best interests. I think this is something you need to consider as well. Right now, I am 50/50. What if this type of incident occurs again after reconciling?

 

I know it's hard. I am still in shock. But what can I do? I am not about to run after him and try to get an explanation. Even though there are times when I want to do that desperately. It's scary but if your bf is yelling and swearing at you, get out for the time being. He is angry at something, let him figure it out.

[DesertSun]

I am just trying to think things out rationally and figure out the best thing to do. Things have cooled off to a point at home now but I feel like there is just something wrong and I can't shake it. Last night he just acted more standoffish than usual and said some things that were upsetting to me. I am just trying to weigh it all out. The things he said actually shouldn't even be upsetting by most standards, but the timing in which he says them is what is more the problem.

 

I work full time as well as take full care of the house. He also works full time in his own business, but he contributes nothing in the way of home care. I cook dinner every night, clean the house, do the laundry/ironing etc and also have to do the outdoor gardening as well. So I have quite a heavy load on my shoulders. He will watch as I do these things and knows that by the end of the day I am quite tired. I was about to get into bed last night and he said to me "When are going going to iron my two shirts that you washed" Now, these are two shirts he very rarely wears as they are dressy. He just says it because he is demanding and he wants to break my horns. Then he said a few minutes later "Oh, and this morning, the towel that you left on the rack was too wet for me to dry off with properly, next time, leave me a new towel if you leave the one hanging too damp" This also upset me. It isn't that what he is saying is so bad, it is just the tone he is using and the way he is going about it after all that happened this weekend. I am not sure but I think that I am just getting fed up. I break my back for this man and feel like in return I get "so what more can you do that you aren't already doing" Hurtful. It is like no matter what I do, I will never win.

 

I think he is just doing all that he can to make me so uncomfortable that I will leave. Who knows.. Just hurts like hell when the one that you fell so deeply in love with does not feel the same about you any longer. I just keep wondering what happened. It is like he has zero respect and consideration for me as a human being..

[JosiePosie]

Desertsun, I came across a quote that really made me think about my bf and our home life. The quote is "nothing happens until you decide". Nothing is going to change unless you make a decision to do something. Luckily my bf took part in doing the chores. The fact that your bf is being an a** and demanding that shirts be ironed, etc, just shows what a jerk he is. We weren't put on this earth to be someone's doormat. I did the same thing you did. I sat and thought alot about what was going on, trying to find a way to make things better. But I came to see that no matter what I did, it wasn't improving.

 

If he can't just come out and say that he wants out (like my man did), than make the decision for him. Try not to let him choose your fate. Be strong and caring for yourself.

[Scott S]

I think he is just doing all that he can to make me so uncomfortable that I will leave. Who knows.. Just hurts like hell when the one that you fell so deeply in love with does not feel the same about you any longer. I just keep wondering what happened. It is like he has zero respect and consideration for me as a human being..

 

I may be kicking a metaphorical hornet's nest, but dammit, here goes!

 

Perhaps that is his intent. That is, for reasons of his own, he may no longer wish to be in this relationship. By being a d**khead & pushing you away, he achieves his goal without being the bad guy.

 

Has there been anything to give you reason to believe he has something going outside your relationship? The reason I ask is that a counselor once asked me these very questions when my ex-w had been acting the same way. As it turned out, there was an OM, & had been for some time.

 

Regardless, no relationship will long survive without respect & consideration for each other. I understand how much you still love him, but (I really hate to say this!!) someone who has "zero respect or consideration" for you does not deserve your love or devotion.