downcydeguy Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years moved to Spain last month for 4 months of schooling. This was an awesome opportunity and could not be missed. However, she became very distant almost immediately after getting there. It led to an argument about 2 weeks ago. She threw things in there about us heading in different directions because she now wants to move there next summer. You see, she's from a very wealthy family and has the world at her fingertips. She's 21 years old and has never had to pay for anything herself. (Well, ok, she buys her own cigarettes) I'm from a hard-working middle-class upbringing and believe that this single issue has finally put the nail in the coffin for us. I think that she truly thought she could be with somebody like me until this trip happened. I'm now very angry/upset with myself for not going with my gut from the beginning. I broke it off 3 times within the first 6 months telling her that I could never quench her thirst for royalty. Every single time she ripped me a new one and told me that being in love with me had nothing to do with financial status - which is how we'd all like to think it is. I'm just confused now. She calls, texts, emails her friends and family here but rarely talks with me. And when she does, there's not one ounce of excitement in her voice. I did ask her if she was going to break up with me and again I got an ear full. I'm trying my best to play it cool and not push her but I'm honestly heartbroken. I told her I was lost here without her and she responded by saying she's having the best time of her life. I guess my question is: Can a guy with a copper spoon feed a girl with a golden tongue? I don't know what to do....
Scott S Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I'm very sorry to hear that. It's said that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." It's also said "Out of sight, out of mind." Unfortunately the latter seems to apply here. It appears your earlier instincts were correct. That is, you would not reasonably be able to keep her in what she would consider an acceptable standard of living. Her earlier protests to the contrary notwithstanding, it appears she now feels the same way. After all, she's "having the time of her life" right now, & you can be sure she will want to continue with similar adventures. I realize that it's hard to swallow right now, but think of how much worse it would have been for this to have happened later in the relationship. Such as after being married. Best thing to do now is keep your dignity, let go quietly, & move on with life.
Skeered Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 unfortunately I believe that she is moving on. However I'm not sure that she feels it's because of monetary reasons, personally I think she is being immature and rude. Her response to you saying that you basically miss her and are lonely without her and he saying she's having the time of her life, you can't be more rude and inconsiderate than that. When she lashes out because you state you can't compare to what she's had all her life as far as moneywise isn't something she's concerned with she is just spoiled and selfish and isn't thinkin of your feelings at all. I say start to heal and move on. She sounds like she already has. Don't torture yourself.
Aimée Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Let me tell you, this: I'm now very angry/upset with myself for not going with my gut from the beginning. I broke it off 3 times within the first 6 months telling her that I could never quench her thirst for royalty. Every single time she ripped me a new one and told me that being in love with me had nothing to do with financial status - which is how we'd all like to think it is. and this: I'm trying my best to play it cool and not push her but I'm honestly heartbroken. don't match. You're insecure and you're blaming it on her money. Maybe she is spoiled, if I were you I would also feel concerned if I had a boyfriend who came from a wealthy family as I don't, I'd wonder about our attitudes on money, if we had really shared the same view on life for a common future, nonetheless your posts makes me believe that if it wasn't her money, it would be something else you felt insecure about and I think it's the insecurity that she senses that makes her withdraw from you. She's having a good time and there you are again, making her feel bad for enjoying life, for having wealthy parents. So I'd say, you're partially responsible for the situation. What you can't control though is the fact that she is young and will change, she was abroad and of course met a lot of interesting people and had fun, without you. It wasn't the money that changed her, but the experiences she had acquired when she was in another country. If you had gone abroad you might have understood her, but you didn't and the alienation that you feel now is a resulting from lack of common dreams, experiences, attitudes. She feels alone with her enthusiasm for this country that you simply don't share. Sometimes it's not money that holds us away from our dreams, but fear to hope and want too much, lack of trust in one's own abilities. Why don't you try to move there with her? Show some interest in what she did and saw. And one last word of caution, 21 is very young and people change a lot, this also includes you. Try to see something of the world before you settle down.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 I also think she's being immature and rude. I really think it has nothing to do with the money though, other than the fact that she is spoiled a bit and in Spain having a good old time. My husband's family is in a good place financially and they like to do things for him. He's always worked though, one if not two jobs so it's not like they buy him everything. His mom likes for him to have nice clothes, nicer than he can have on his budget, so she buys them for him. She likes him to have nice furniture and she can buy it wholesale so she buys him a nice piece for Christmas every year. Stuff like that. I didn't grow up with very much and I've worked hard for everything that I've ever had. Money is really not anything to me, as long as I can keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. We are certainly different but instead of it being a negative, it's a positive. His parents are very generous with me and my children (not his) and I can see life from a different slant because he had such a great childhood. I bring him back to reality sometimes because I'm so grounded and not affected by stuff like that. It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder and perhaps deep down think you're not good enough for her. That's not true I'm sure but she's just not seeing that as she's out having a good time and pursuing something she wanted to do. Instead of blaming it on the money, just think of it as she's not the girl for you and move on.
JS17 Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 I hate to say this but are you sure it's about the money? I did the study abroad thing and there is this overwhelming sense of adventure, freedom and growth. Maybe she needed to experience these things without you or maybe she's growing in a different direction than you are. I remember coming back to school the next semester and you could just tell the difference between the people that spent half a year experiencing another country and traveling the world as opposed to the ones that stayed in college town USA.
Author downcydeguy Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 I appreciate all the input from you guys. The "money" isn't necessarily the issue per se. What I meant by it is that by her family having so much money, it affords her endless opportunities. Opportunities that I could never offer her. By the way, I'm 27 years old, so please understand that this isn't my first relationship. So Aimee, I understand your thought but I've been there/done that. The age difference was never a major concern though- until now. I was just wanting opinions on whether or not relationships can work when 2 people from different financial backgrounds get together. You all offer wonderful input and I appreciate it to no end. I, like most of you, am just going through a very rough time right now. A gal pal of mine told me that I'm the "back home boyfriend" so she doesn't have to be single when she gets back. She can come home telling me how innocent she was and just keep the memories to herself. This sounds more like what's really going on to me. You agree?
Scott S Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 A gal pal of mine told me that I'm the "back home boyfriend" so she doesn't have to be single when she gets back. She can come home telling me how innocent she was and just keep the memories to herself. This sounds more like what's really going on to me. You agree? I'm sure she appreciates having you as a "fall-back" position. The question is how do you feel about that? I would imagine that this experience will cause quite a few changes in her, & she will not return the same person as when she left. This may mean that she will no longer be interested in a love relationship with you, nor you interested in one with her. Again, good advice now is to cultivate some other relationships & interests. It's safe to assume that she is.
Author downcydeguy Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 You're right man. She is already changing drastically. I'm to the point of not even wanting to attempt to contact her. I did send a text but she was already asleep by that time. That's my last effort. I guess if she truly misses me, she'll make the effort to contact me, although she has not made much thus far. Ya know, another troubling factor in this (as it is with most relationships) is that her family loves me! I help them out with things, we golf together - even with the g/f being gone! It makes it very difficult to see them and talk to them while this is happening. They don't ever talk to her either so they have no idea what's going on. And I don't want to betray my g/f's trust in me with blabbing to her parents! This sucks..period.
suegail Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 It could be that the reason she's not contacting you very much is she does not want to be pinned down by endless questions having to do with her feelings for you. She probably does care for you very much, but needs this time of freedom for adventure and learning. If she has to feel pressured to always try and make you understand you are not less cared for, you are not being forgotten, it may kind of take the wind out of her sails and she may feel she wants to avoid such conversations. I know it's hard right now because you're separated, but try and keep a lid on your personal feelings for the time being. It could be if you do that she'll contact you more often.
Topper Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Lets face it she is done slumming with the working class hero back home, You were most likely just someone she could use to piss off good old Mom and Dad. She is now in Spain playing with The Euro Trash boys. For your own good move on, She would never marry you unless she really wanted to piss off mommy and Daddy.
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Can a guy with a copper spoon feed a girl with a golden tongue? I don't know what to do.... We'll see if Britney Spears' husband, who has a PhD (Pizza Home Delivery) manages to retain his spolied food-ticket. In your case, she has always had everything served on a silver plate. Your relationship is probably doomed and that's how she acts anyway. My advice: get over her. I feel for you, hun.
Aimée Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 What I meant by it is that by her family having so much money, it affords her endless opportunities. Opportunities that I could never offer her. You don't need to offer her the opportunities, you should better look out to catch the opportunities that are offered to you. It seems you use the money argument to explain why you had less opportunities than she had and therefore different experiences. I'm absolutely aware that people who grew up in richer homes have more opportunities, but that doesn't mean that someone who is coming from a middle-class family won't be able to get a lot of good things out of life. If you have the drive you can do it, if you won't you will blame it on the money. By the way, I'm 27 years old, so please understand that this isn't my first relationship. So Aimee, I understand your thought but I've been there/done that. Do you mean, you have been abroad or what do you mean with "I've been there/done that". I would have guessed that you did not, otherwise you would be able to relate what your girlfriend is experiencing right now. I think it's your non-understanding of her experience which creates this emotional distance between you two. The age difference was never a major concern though- until now. I was just wanting opinions on whether or not relationships can work when 2 people from different financial backgrounds get together. In my opinion the age difference becomes a problem when the experiences and personality don't match. She is 21, younger than you, and doing something that you never did. I'd assume that she seems to be a bit more adventurous than you are and that's probably a bigger problem than the financial differences. A gal pal of mine told me that I'm the "back home boyfriend" so she doesn't have to be single when she gets back. Honestly, I don't believe this. If she really was out for fun, then she will be more concerned about finding a boyfriend right there than worrying about keeping someone on the backburner at home who is spoiling her fun. Home is far away and in the future, if you know what I mean. People in the mood for love are not so rational to consider the long-term consequences of their actions, it will be now or never and it's more likely that she would dump you.
Aimée Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Ya know, another troubling factor in this (as it is with most relationships) is that her family loves me! I help them out with things, we golf together - even with the g/f being gone! It makes it very difficult to see them and talk to them while this is happening. They don't ever talk to her either so they have no idea what's going on. And I don't want to betray my g/f's trust in me with blabbing to her parents! This sucks..period. If you can get along with her parents, it's probably not a money issue. If they are down to earth and are able to accept you, do you think they would raise their daughter to be a little princess? I kind of doubt this.
Scott S Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 You're right man. She is already changing drastically. I'm to the point of not even wanting to attempt to contact her. I did send a text but she was already asleep by that time. That's my last effort. I guess if she truly misses me, she'll make the effort to contact me, although she has not made much thus far. Ya know, another troubling factor in this (as it is with most relationships) is that her family loves me! I help them out with things, we golf together - even with the g/f being gone! It makes it very difficult to see them and talk to them while this is happening. They don't ever talk to her either so they have no idea what's going on. And I don't want to betray my g/f's trust in me with blabbing to her parents! This sucks..period. Yes, I'm certain they're very nice people, and wonderful company. And no, you DON'T want to be crying in your beer with them over this. This further underscores why you need to develop other relationships. Your life has centered around her for some time, & the way things are shaping up, this is arguably no longer appropriate. You have the right idea with NC, I believe. Start meeting other women, cultivate the friendships from which love might grow. Just remember you're in something of a rebound mode right now.
Author downcydeguy Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 Ya know, you all have been great with this situation. It definitely helps to have "an ear" to talk in to. Topper said exactly the same thing my mother said! And yes, her parents are very nice people...but, they also have their noses up very often. They, especially her mother, are upset right now as well. They don't get many calls or emails either! They just told me this last night! They spent $10K on this trip, not counting her spending money for 4 months, and she repays them by not even letting them know she's OK most of the time?!?! So Aimee, to respond to you, yes, they DID raise their daughter this way. She is a spoiled little brat and cares only for herself. By the way, she called me just a little bit ago. First time I've heard from her in 3 days. She was the usual "not interested in talking to me". And contrary to an earlier post's belief, I have not tried bringing her down about anything. I did have a serious conversation with her about breaking up after the fight and that's when she got pissed. Even though she's been nowhere near happy to talk with me since, I fake it as best I can. I am going to continue the NC from my side because you all have made me realize that she's just dragging me through gravel. She mentioned that she's going to Grenada for the weekend and would be too busy to call. I asked if she could send a text letting me know that she landed safely. Her answer - I'm not sure. WOW!
Aimée Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 So Aimee, to respond to you, yes, they DID raise their daughter this way. She is a spoiled little brat and cares only for herself. Ok, she seems to be a little brat, but that still doesn't mean that you're not reenforcing the alienation with your insecurities as well. Also, what is a 27 year old guy doing in a relationship with a spoiled brat that has lasted for two and a half years already?
Scott S Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 [sNIP] I asked if she could send a text letting me know that she landed safely. Her answer - I'm not sure. WOW! Well, that certainly sends a clear message. So I stand on my earlier advice. But hang tough, my friend. A lot of good people are here cheering for you!
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