BaileyB Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 42 minutes ago, kendahke said: that's a girlfriend perk and you're not his girlfriend. This really seems to be the bottom line. This really does read like a high school drama. She sets her sights on a guy, he goes along because he likes the attention and maybe he has nothing better to do, but - he’s not really invested. She has certain expectations, he doesn’t meet these expectation, she gets upset, and drama ensues... That’s the thing, you are clearly more invested than he is at this point. Do with that information what you want... 1
mark clemson Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) To reiterate a point I think was made earlier and probably alluded to a few times, it seems you two are not very compatible. Although this is just a guess, it seems like you have some characteristics of an insecure attachment style while he has some characteristics of an avoidant attachment style (or possibly just a significant need for downtime due to the life issues you mention). At any rate, this sounds to me like a nightmare for both of you in terms of compatibility. As has been suggested, believe you're better off finding someone else. Also consider doing a bit of internet research on attachment styles to see if some of it rings true for you, maybe I was wrong but if not it might be helpful. Edited December 27, 2019 by mark clemson 3 1
Watercolors Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) Rule of thumb with dating: if you have to chase someone, you've already lost. Once you stop chasing and can stand still and be secure with who you are, then you'll make healthier choices with the men you date, OP. That's a very simplified version but everything you've been doing (borrowing money from each other, giving him all the benefits of being his girlfriend without any reciprocation on his part to be your boyfriend) isn't working because you are chasing this guy. Chasing a guy will only exhaust you. It won't get him to suddenly treat you with respect like a girlfriend deserves. As my grandmother warned me, "Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free." Sex without commitment is easy to obtain. Why should he commit to you and respect you if you are so willing to give him everything without having him earn it from you. Relationships are about earning trust and respect from each other. Edited December 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed moderator question 5
mortensorchid Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 You're being ridiculous, clingy and needy. Relax. Go and work off these emotions by doing some physical activity (kickboxing, running, yoga, spinning, lifting weights, etc.) and you'll get your mind off him. And when you have exhausted yourself, take a rest, then keep at it again. You can't force him to like you, you have to accept that. 1
Malin889 Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 How long have you been dating him or whatever this is? If you are really done with him as you say you want to be, why are you so worried about him not contacting you? How old are the two of you? How was Xmas and Xmas Eve so great if he treats you badly most of the time? Did you spend time with his family or vice-versa?
Malin889 Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 11 hours ago, Traveller19 said: No. It’s not just the texting. He isn’t treating me right, drunks too much but he’s loving and sweet when he feels like it or is drunk..rest of the time he has this big wall up, and cold. I bend over backwards trying to make him happy hoping it will be enough..everyone else sees it his mom, friends, but not him. He doesn’t care He sounds terrible. You say so much in this little paragraph. And if everyone in your real life is saying he’s bad news, that should tell you something. Move on from this guy. Don’t let him come back this time.
guest569 Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 I understand why you feel upset by his behaviour given that he tells you he loves you and you have just spent Christmas together, then it suddenly changes and you can't get in touch. That would cause most people to feel a little insecure.. wondering why he is pulling away. I don't think we need to argue over whether he is your official boyfriend or whether you're allowed to feel a certain way. There's nothing you can do about the situation right now. You've done all you can. I think the most important thing is to look after yourself and find ways to feel better and calm this extreme anxiety. Try to distract yourself from him. If you can, put your phone off or on silent away from you, keep busy and achieve some small goals each day, spend time with friends. You'll process this stuff in the background, but deal with the anxiety first cause it's not worth it when it's taking a toll on your health. 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 28, 2019 Author Posted December 28, 2019 9 hours ago, Malin889 said: How long have you been dating him or whatever this is? If you are really done with him as you say you want to be, why are you so worried about him not contacting you? How old are the two of you? How was Xmas and Xmas Eve so great if he treats you badly most of the time? Did you spend time with his family or vice-versa? Yes I spent time with him and his family and friends...That is what made it great not him. My family lives on another coast so he said he didn’t want me to be alone..
stillafool Posted December 28, 2019 Posted December 28, 2019 I think he's ignoring you because he needs a major break from your high anxiety and clingyness. Don't text him anymore, leave him alone until he comes to you. If you don't want to do that just break up with him and find a clingy man. You'll be much happier. 1
fromheart Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 On 12/27/2019 at 4:04 PM, Traveller19 said: Yes, he’s feeling down because of a work situation he isn’t happy about..he self medicates by drinking and smoking and is laughing and having a good time..but inside he isn’t so happy .he has a wall up which he openly admitted to me..I guess I’m not used to him being this distant..yesterday too, but he said were ok..him shutting off his phone or blocking me could mean he’s depressed and in a funk. Its understandable that he needs to go off and find himself. However, if a gf treated me coldly or inconsistently for any reason Id dump her. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 14 hours ago, fromheart said: Its understandable that he needs to go off and find himself. However, if a gf treated me coldly or inconsistently for any reason Id dump her. This guy is not her boyfriend . . . she wishes he would be and she is chasing him. He should man up and cut her lose because he knows that she wants more from him than he wants to give her but since he hasn't done that, it's on her to walk away. (Why would he walk away? He's content with the way things are and the ability to come and go as he pleases for whatever he wants from her and when he's had enough, he shuts the door for a while and she welcomes him back whenever he decides it's time). It's time for her to break the cycle. 1
fromheart Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 28 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: This guy is not her boyfriend . . . she wishes he would be and she is chasing him. He should man up and cut her lose because he knows that she wants more from him than he wants to give her but since he hasn't done that, it's on her to walk away. (Why would he walk away? He's content with the way things are and the ability to come and go as he pleases for whatever he wants from her and when he's had enough, he shuts the door for a while and she welcomes him back whenever he decides it's time). It's time for her to break the cycle. Or to use your analogy, she should woman up. 2
princessaurora Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 I learned many years ago, you never run after a man, so I'm not going to sugar coat this for you. By nature, guys are designed to be the pursuer.. What you are doing is completely destructive and will only drive him further away. And it doesnt matter if you're the most beautiful girl in the world. Acting like you have nothing better to do than blow this guy's phone up is a huge turnoff. Put yourself in his shoes. He looks down at his phone to see constant messages/calls from you when he's trying to be left alone and from different phones! Or when he finally gets his fill of alone time and he turns his phone back on he's bombarded with your texts/missed calls. How would you feel? I'm willing to bet you'd be freaked out and ready to run for the hills. Men like independent women that have their own lives, not ones than are wrapped around their ankle being dragged across the floor. Collect your pride and leave him be. If he's not treating you right, cut him off. I know its alot easier said than done, but in the long run, you'll feel so much better for it . 7
spiderowl Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 If he was keen on you, he would say hello or at least respond to a text. Not even responding with a ‘hi, I’m having a quiet day today’ is rude. You don’t want to be too needy, that’s true, but neither do you want to waste your time on a guy that seems half-hearted. Instead of panicking, write him off and ignore any messages. There are more fish in the sea though maybe not instantly. Expect a break from having a boyfriend and you will be fine 1
stillafool Posted December 29, 2019 Posted December 29, 2019 On 12/27/2019 at 12:01 PM, Traveller19 said: Yes I get that..I mean all my friends and two of my siblings told me to cut him off..Block and ignore..he hasn’t shown me respect nor treated me very nice..I am not saying I’m perfect, but if I loved someone (he says he loves and cares about me) and they were trying to reach me, I would respect them enough to say I’m going through something, I’ll be in touch in a few days..but I wouldn’t ignore or block like they are a piece of garbage. He even ordered me a Christmas gift but he can keep it You say you get that but you haven't blocked him and moved on. You acknowledge that he doesn't show you respect or treat you nice but you still keep the line open for him. 1
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 15 hours ago, spiderowl said: If he was keen on you, he would say hello or at least respond to a text. Not even responding with a ‘hi, I’m having a quiet day today’ is rude. It's not that simple. A man that needs time alone once in a while will not pick up his phone, will not answer his text, and it has nothing to do with the way he feels for his gf. My bf is that way, he does it 2-3 times a year. It usually will last from 3 to 5/7 days. He tells me ahead like this man told OP ahead. When my bf comes out of his cave he's energetic, affectionate, and 100% on board again. I don't panic, I get busy with other things and I use that time as me-time. I have a life outside of my bf so it's pretty painless to manage. But, in this case here, the problem is not that he went caving. The problem is OP wants girlfriend's treatment when she isn't the GF. The problem is she is unhappy with the way she is treated in general. And the problem is she says she understands 'caving' but she doesn't as she expects him to be chatty with her. If OP was in a loving, fulfilling, respectful relationship with this man she would gladly give him a few days to himself and wouldn't panic. 1
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