Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 1 minute ago, Traveller19 said: I’m taking my power back..I am just devastated and heartbroken...he totally took advantage. He didn’t want to be alone for the holiday and right after it was over he disappears. Even went as far as to say we’re good bla bla. Actions speak louder than words. He clearly doesn’t value me, but I’m going to value myself by saying no more. And if he tries to reach out again, it will be radio silence. He’s keeping me as an option, nothing more Sweetie, No one takes advantage if you don't allow it. You have been doing that for some time apparently. It's really important that you try to temper some of your hurt and anger with some gold old fashioned introspection and accept some of the responsibility for the situation. It sucks but take this as a lesson for the future and make it into a positive not a source of bitterness or piece of baggage you carry around for the future. 3
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 2 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: Sweetie, No one takes advantage if you don't allow it. You have been doing that for some time apparently. It's really important that you try to temper some of your hurt and anger with some gold old fashioned introspection and accept some of the responsibility for the situation. It sucks but take this as a lesson for the future and make it into a positive not a source of bitterness or piece of baggage you carry around for the future. I get it, but I would never treat someone I care about this way..which tells me he doesn’t care about me, was just pretending to
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Is 19 your age? Traveller, if you were done with him you'd block him. The fact you talking about being radio silent when he comes back to you means to me you are mad and looking for revenge AND he'd probably convince you to forgive him with a few sweet words. If you are done, block him. Not unless 19 is the new premenopausal age..he ALWAYS comes back. Most of the time it’s only after a day, but yes he has ignored me for 2-3 days and will just apologize, say he wasn’t paying attention to his phone and everyone was texting, or his phone was off or my personal favorite, he was feeling sick
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 Just now, Traveller19 said: I get it, but I would never treat someone I care about this way..which tells me he doesn’t care about me, was just pretending to Agreed you need to dump him. But I'd like to warn you about thinking the rest of the world must feel and behave like you. *Ex: when I love someone I text him, if he doesn't text me it means he doesn't love me*. On many things men and women are not wired the same. For some daily communication is important, for others it's not. You will never be happy in a relationship if you are convinced your bf/husband must manage his feelings the way you do. 1
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 5 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Not unless 19 is the new premenopausal age..he ALWAYS comes back. Most of the time it’s only after a day, but yes he has ignored me for 2-3 days and will just apologize, say he wasn’t paying attention to his phone and everyone was texting, or his phone was off or my personal favorite, he was feeling sick I don't mean to lack respect toward you but you sound like a cligny teen girl who's just starting to date. 3
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: I get it, but I would never treat someone I care about this way..which tells me he doesn’t care about me, was just pretending to I just saw that you are 19 years old and I'm guessing he's close to your age and you both are young. So, in his young man experience and heart and mind, he might very well care for you and like to be around you and on his terms. My point is that he doesn't care for you the way YOU want him to care for you and that isn't his fault. I suspect that he's just immature. He likely really doesn't know any more than you do about what a relationship should look like and/or just doesn't want one but you've been trying to impose one on him and he doesn't know how to handle that. Edited December 27, 2019 by Redhead14
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 Your problem is you want to be treated like a girlfriend when you're not. You want him to warn you he'll be home taking some quiet time for a few days when he doesn't have to because you're not his girlfriend. He warned you at the same time he warned everybody else he was talking a break. He is leaving your text unattended just like he's not replying to his other text. 2
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 1 minute ago, Redhead14 said: I don't know how old you two are but I'm guessing he's close to your age and you both are young, it seems to me. She is of premenopausal age 1
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 Just now, Gaeta said: She is of premenopausal age She's saying she is 19, which explains a lot. I just re read her premenopausal comment and corrected my reply. They both don't have a clue. 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 9 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: She's saying she is 19, which explains a lot. I just re read her premenopausal comment and corrected my reply. They both don't have a clue. I am NOT 19...far from it. I have suffered a lot in relationships
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) Well, you expect respect and love and care in return because you do it, is self entitlement. They have to earn it to deserve it. Edited December 27, 2019 by smackie9 1
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 1 minute ago, Traveller19 said: I am NOT 19...far from it. I have suffered a lot in relationships If you are repeating this pattern, then it's time to take a good look within.
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 25 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: which tells me he doesn’t care about me, was just pretending to It seems to me that the two of you have both been doing some pretending . . . you've been pretending to be cool with him taking these breaks for quite some time when, in fact, you haven't been cool about it. Women should not be chameleons in a relationship. Lots of them are. They pretend to like the things a guy likes or does because they think it will endear them more to the guy. When the woman is trying to change herself to accommodate the guy she is dating, expectations and resentment builds, communication suffers, the woman is blind to reality of the situation and the relationship implodes somewhere along the line. Don't sell yourself short when you're dating a guy. Either it works for you for the most part or it doesn't. But don't play the "cool girl" and negate your real wants and needs. 3 1
Watercolors Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) From what you've posted here OP: You two are not in a romantic relationship He has a drinking/drug problem i.e. "self medicates" He blatantly ignores your feelings and doesn't show you any respect You chase, he runs = you know better but you stay involved with him despite all the red flags from his behavior When you are ready to leave him behind, you will. It doesn't seem like you are ready to do that. I don't know why. You know he is bad news, yet you allow him to continue to mistreat you all the time. Edited December 27, 2019 by Watercolors removed age 2
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 5 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: I am NOT 19...far from it. I have suffered a lot in relationships So why in the world are you wasting your time with this man? There are plenty of single men out there who are looking for a serious relationship, men who are capable of love, empathy, honesty, generous of their time, and looking forward to give someone a commitment.
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Well, you expect respect and love and care in return because you do it, is self entitlement. They have to earn it to deserve it. I have definitely earned respect, but him..no
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: I am NOT 19...far from it. I have suffered a lot in relationships If you are not 19, then I have less sympathy for the situation you've found yourself in. Instead of learning from the past and using those experiences as tools for moving forward, you've mired yourself in a pattern of repeating and rinsing. Take a good long time for yourself to spend being on your on two feet. Learn who you are first. Learn to like yourself then you can be a partner for someone else. It will be a little bit of struggle for a while but in the in end you will rise up as a strong, mature, independent, well-rounded, saavy woman who knows what she does and doesn't like or want for herself. Having a man in your life won't/shouldn't be what makes you happy. Having a man in your life should only enhance the happiness you already have for yourself. Expecting a man to make you happy is a huge burden for any man. Edited December 27, 2019 by Redhead14 5
BC1980 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 1 hour ago, Traveller19 said: Yes..the universe is giving me a strong sign..I am fine with space. What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable.. Then why do you keep engaging with him?
Watercolors Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 17 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: I have definitely earned respect, but him..no As the others have pointed out and you yourself admitted -- he's not interested in anything serious with you and he is an addict on top of it all with drugs and alcohol. Why you do attach yourself to men who are unavailable emotionally to you, who have serious problems? 1
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 28 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: I have definitely earned respect, but him..no Why would you want to earn the respect of such a man? as per your saying he's alcoholic, commitmentphobe, prioritize his friends, shuts you out regularly. I don't care he says he loves you, that's easy to say to get what he wants from you. Love is more than words. The way I see it you have offered yourself on a silver platter to this man and now you're hurt you're not getting anything for it. You spent Xmas Eve and Xmas day with him?? Spending Xmas Eve and Day with me is a privilege, no half-hearted-pseudo-boyfriend would get my time on an important holiday. Does he borrow money from you? 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 I understand what your saying, I am basically rewarding bad behavior and giving someone the girlfriend benefits without having earned a place in my life..We both borrow money from eachother..he pays back after a couple days so I didn’t mind..but maybe it’s not something he should be doing 3
Versacehottie Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 3 hours ago, Traveller19 said: He did it suddenly..it’s not like we had a fight or I was overwhelming him..we were having a great time..I did however, sense he wanted to be alone..not like this is the first time he has done this.. He didn't do it suddenly enough that he didn't provide you notice that he was going to go underground. He told you. Idk, you sound overwhelming to me. You had the two solid days at Christmas and it wasn't enough for you. I think you a) need to accept that not everyone is calibrated the same b) not everyone will filter "what he/she will do" through your filter. Meaning he could care for or love you but not exhibit it in the same way. Now I'm saying these things so that you can hopefully get your thinking in line where you won't continually run into the same patterns and problems. Assuming everyone will show you they care in the way you would show them is problematic. And constantly holding up their behavior to what you would do in same situation leaves you set up for disappointment. This is not a pass for this guy. I can't figure out why you are holding on so tightly to someone who disappoints you so much. On one hand (on this thread) you say that you were having a great time and somewhat indicate that he doesn't always do this and then on the other hand you somewhat indicate it's a reoccurring pattern. You can tell from your phrasing that it really bothers you and that deep down you basically aren't getting your way. Now whether or not "your way" is reasonable or founded is another story. I think if you have a tendency to be anxious, insecure and jealous as was mentioned earlier on your thread that you are often "too much" and it takes a lot of reassurance to be with you. The kind of person that people need a break from. It's exhausting to be around this type of person. Not fun and is probably what is preventing you from having the romantic results you want with guys. It's not only his side that needs work. While I agree that a guy who you are seriously dating shouldn't be "disappearing" on you, I also question what you have done to participate in this situation. I think you may have driven him to it, ignore what he says he needs personally and may be unreasonable in what you want and how you go about it. If you squeeze tighter, people have a tendency to rebel against that. No one wants to be caged. Any self-respecting person, who feels so disrespected wouldn't keep hanging on tighter and pushing for more time with someone who is so dismissive, if he is indeed so. Also you are sending a message to him with this behavior of yours that you are not self-respecting, and he loses respect for you and just hears nagging to get accessibility to him. Not a long term success strategy. You can't change how he will react--he will take his own path on that. You can change the portion of what you are doing to contribute to this situation and see if that changes anything. That is approach how you interact with him differently, how you carry yourself differently or whether or not you allow "his" behavior into your life. Those are your choices. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 He was never all in for her, she knew that but she kept stringing herself along hoping he would change and want to be with her as her boyfriend. Plain and simple. She was imposing herself on him to have a relationship that he didn't want. Meanwhile, she was becoming more and more resentful and hurt. However, she wasn't that awful to look at or spend time with apparently and he probably enjoyed the intimacy so he wasn't going anywhere. Yes, he should have manned up and cut her lose himself when he realized she wanted more from him that he was willing to give her but, in the end, why would he? -- he was content at least with the way things were so if she didn't like it, she should have moved on herself. I would expect that he would have done the "right thing" if the OP was a young girl. But she claims she isn't so in this guys mind, she's a grown, mature woman who can hold her own ground if she wants to. This is not a mature, quality dating candidate to start with, so why expect or demand that kind of behavior from him. What you see is what you get PERIOD. 2
preraph Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 He said he needs rest. Leave him alone. What you're doing is making it all about you at this point, like you're so worried and so he should respond. Respect his statement that he needs rest and see what happens. Anything else you do is going to just put more pressure on him and make him resent you. 1
kendahke Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 4 hours ago, Traveller19 said: Yes..the universe is giving me a strong sign..I am fine with space. What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable.. that's a girlfriend perk and you're not his girlfriend.
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