elaine567 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 17 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Yes, he’s feeling down because of a work situation he isn’t happy about..he self medicates by drinking and smoking and is laughing and having a good time..but inside he isn’t so happy .he has a wall up which he openly admitted to me..I guess I’m not used to him being this distant..yesterday too, but he said were ok..him shutting off his phone or blocking me could mean he’s depressed and in a funk. I know it is probably a gross overreaction but Young man work problems depression alcohol Christmas, MIA... One has to consider, is he a suicide risk? Does he have any other family/friends close by that could perhaps check in on him?
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I know it is probably a gross overreaction but Young man work problems depression alcohol Christmas, MIA... One has to consider, is he a suicide risk? Does he have any other family/friends close by that could perhaps check in on him? His bff will definitely do so...
Happy Lemming Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: One has to consider, is he a suicide risk? Does he have any other family/friends close by that could perhaps check in on him? OMG!! Talk about over reaction... He is in his man cave, drinking a beer & watching ESPN/Sports Center. He just wants some time to himself. 2
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 9 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: .not like this is the first time he has done this.. This guy is not your boyfriend. He's just a guy you've been spending some nice time with. Now that you've said this is a is a habit, you need to accept the message it sends. And, since this is a habit, you have two choices -- accept the behavior and let him be and not nag the living heck out of him for doing it OR you say "thanks for the nice times. This isn't working working for me". You don't just stick it out and spend energy trying to change someone's habits or behaviors or have meltdowns every time it happens. It doesn't work that way. 3
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 8 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: This guy is not your boyfriend. He's just a guy you've been spending some nice time with. Now that you've said this is a is a habit, you need to accept the message it sends. And, since this is a habit, you have two choices -- accept the behavior and let him be and not nag the living heck out of him for doing it OR you say "thanks for the nice times. This isn't working working for me". You don't just stick it out and spend energy trying to change someone's habits or behaviors or have meltdowns every time it happens. It doesn't work that way. Yes I get that..I mean all my friends and two of my siblings told me to cut him off..Block and ignore..he hasn’t shown me respect nor treated me very nice..I am not saying I’m perfect, but if I loved someone (he says he loves and cares about me) and they were trying to reach me, I would respect them enough to say I’m going through something, I’ll be in touch in a few days..but I wouldn’t ignore or block like they are a piece of garbage. He even ordered me a Christmas gift but he can keep it
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 14 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: OMG!! Talk about over reaction... He is in his man cave, drinking a beer & watching ESPN/Sports Center. He just wants some time to himself. He’s definitely drinking beer..but nah not a suicide risk.
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 You don't listen very well when the whole world is telling you to dump this chump. Doesn't matter if you do this or you do that....he has shown you he doesn't, and you can stomp your feet all you want, it won't fix anything. Just walk away, block delete write him off. 3
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 4 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Yes I get that..I mean all my friends and two of my siblings told me to cut him off..Block and ignore..he hasn’t shown me respect nor treated me very nice..I am not saying I’m perfect, but if I loved someone (he says he loves and cares about me) and they were trying to reach me, I would respect them enough to say I’m going through something, I’ll be in touch in a few days..but I wouldn’t ignore or block like they are a piece of garbage. He even ordered me a Christmas gift but he can keep it But he did warn everybody he was taking a break and going in his cave. Then you're telling us you know all about men caving. If you know all about men caving why are you surprised he's not answering your text? I don't think you fully understand what caving is as you seem to think it's something he does voluntarily. It's not. It's a deep need for withdrawal, it's not game playing. You feel he's not respecting you by not answering your text, well he probably feels you're not respecting him by nagging him in his need of down time. A lot of what you're saying is me-me-me-and-my-needs. Sure you would not ignore him if you were taking a down time but YOU'RE NOT HIM, and you're not a man, so the way you experience a down time has nothing to do with how men experience it. 3
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 6 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: but if I loved someone (he says he loves and cares about me) and they were trying to reach me, I would respect them enough to say I’m going through something, I’ll be in touch in a few days..but I wouldn’t ignore or block like they are a piece of garbage. He even ordered me a Christmas gift but he can keep it His words and actions don't match. That is how you know when someone loves you. Some men aren't good with words, but their actions will more than make up for that. It will be clear and you will feel it and not question it. And, you are expecting him to behave a certain way based on what YOU would do. You cannot do that either. What this guy KNOWS, is that he said he's going to shut off everything for a few days and have some down time. He doesn't think you're his girlfriend or that he owes you anything at all. That is not his fault. He told you what he wanted for himself and you aren't respecting that. What you are doing is getting angry and hurt and upset as if he were clearly your boyfriend and acting strangely. That is not the case. My recommendation is to forget about the guy altogether and get focused on just you and go out a see if you can find a guy who is right for you and is all in in the way you want a boyfriend to be. And, lose the anger and hurt. He doesn't owe you a thing, nothing. You're projecting unrealistic expectations on him and that's not his fault. 1
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 14 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Yes I get that..I mean all my friends and two of my siblings told me to cut him off..Block and ignore..he hasn’t shown me respect nor treated me very nice.. Other than this man caving he's not treating you right? This anger I am reading in you cannot be motivated only by him not replying to a text in 24 hours 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 4 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You don't listen very well when the whole world is telling you to dump this chump. Doesn't matter if you do this or you do that....he has shown you he doesn't, and you can stomp your feet all you want, it won't fix anything. Just walk away, block delete write him off. Yes..the universe is giving me a strong sign..I am fine with space. What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable..
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 2 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: .I am fine with space. What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable.. How can you be fine with space and then resenting him for taking that space? Taking time for himself means no texts, no calls, or just a few randomly here and there, what part of that don't you understand? Then he comes back like nothing happened? YES that's how those men are!! When they come back with their batteries recharged they are upbeat and ready to rock and roll like nothing happened. That's how it is !! 2
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 6 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Yes..the universe is giving me a strong sign..I am fine with space. What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable.. Listen, since you've been tolerating it for a number of times, what else is he to think. If he were actually your boyfriend, and he did this now. I would give him his space. And, when he came back, I would have a calm, reasonable conversation with him to say "hey, I understand that you needed some down time, but cutting me out altogether for an extended period of time hurts me" and see what he has to say, etc. But, since he is not your boyfriend, you shouldn't have that kind of conversation. You either are OK with it and stop fussing about it or you make your exit. This is on you, not him.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 15 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Yes..the universe is giving me a strong sign..I am fine with space. What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable.. What does this man add to your life that is positive? 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Other than this man caving he's not treating you right? This anger I am reading in you cannot be motivated only by him not replying to a text in 24 hours No. It’s not just the texting. He isn’t treating me right, drunks too much but he’s loving and sweet when he feels like it or is drunk..rest of the time he has this big wall up, and cold. I bend over backwards trying to make him happy hoping it will be enough..everyone else sees it his mom, friends, but not him. He doesn’t care
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 3 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: What does this man add to your life that is positive? Nothing. My close friends don’t treat me this way..
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 7 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Nothing. My close friends don’t treat me this way.. So, are you with him simply to not be alone/unattached?
PinkFlamingo Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Yes..the universe is giving me a strong sign..I am fine with space. What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable.. Then why accept it? In your other thread you also lamented that he prioritized his friends over you, if I recall correctly. You want him to change, he doesn't. Why should he change his behavior for you? He likes it. What would be the consequences if he ignored you? - Probably none. More nagging, but he is good at ignoring you, so why give something up that doesn't bother him to do something that he doesn't want to do? He should do it, because you treat him nicely? - So what? If some random guy on the street fell in love and wanted to do all kinds of nice things for me, that it mean I have to reciprocate? I probably know a couple of guys right now that kind of like me, does it mean I have to be their girlfriend? You either drop him or you accept his behavior. Edited December 27, 2019 by PinkFlamingo 1
smackie9 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: What I’m not fine with is ignoring, having no regard for my feelings, then coming back after he is done and acting like his behavior is acceptable.. When you are not fine with how someone treats you and they don't care, that's when you let them go and remove them from your life. You can send him all the messages you want about how horrible he treats you...still won't make a hill of a beans difference. Edited December 27, 2019 by smackie9 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 6 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: So, are you with him simply to not be alone/unattached? If I’m accepting this behavior then it seems that way..holiday is over so he doesn’t need me now 1
Redhead14 Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: I bend over backwards trying to make him happy hoping it will be enough..everyone else sees it his mom, friends, but not him. He doesn’t care Never, ever give more than you're getting in a relationship -- ever! Never lose yourself in a relationship. He isn't doing anything wrong. He cannot make himself want you more. You cannot make him want you more. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I would ding him some for taking advantage or you, however, there comes a point when a woman in your situation is simply complicit in her own misery -- that's where you are now. Block, delete, move on or continue to hold onto the string he's got you on. It's your choice -- that's the power you have. Use it. Edited December 27, 2019 by Redhead14 3 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: When you are not fine with how someone treats you and they don't care, that's when you let them go and remove them from your life. You can send him all the messages you want about how horrible he treats you...still won't make a hill of a beans difference. Nope. His actions show me he doesn’t care..he’s full of it..he goes on how he loves me and cares about me but he’s full of
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 2 minutes ago, Traveller19 said: Nope. His actions show me he doesn’t care..he’s full of it..he goes on how he loves me and cares about me but he’s full of Well, he certainly isn't loving you the way you need to be loved, so time to get out. 1
Author Traveller19 Posted December 27, 2019 Author Posted December 27, 2019 1 minute ago, Redhead14 said: Never, ever give more than you're getting in a relationship -- ever! Never lose yourself in a relationship. He isn't doing anything wrong. He cannot make himself want you more. You cannot make him want you more. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I will slam him for taking advantage or you, however, there comes a point when a woman in your situation is simply complicit in her own misery -- that's where you are now. Block, delete, move on or continue to hold onto the string he's got you on. It's your choice -- that's the power you have. Use it. I’m taking my power back..I am just devastated and heartbroken...he totally took advantage. He didn’t want to be alone for the holiday and right after it was over he disappears. Even went as far as to say we’re good bla bla. Actions speak louder than words. He clearly doesn’t value me, but I’m going to value myself by saying no more. And if he tries to reach out again, it will be radio silence. He’s keeping me as an option, nothing more 1
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 (edited) Is 19 your age? Traveller, if you were done with him you'd block him. The fact you talking about being radio silent when he comes back to you means to me you are mad and looking for revenge AND he'd probably convince you to forgive him with a few sweet words. If you are done, block him. Edited December 27, 2019 by Gaeta 3
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