preraph Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 If you do decide you are ready to stop dwelling on this thread, all you have to do i hit the Report Post button at the top of it and just tell the moderators you'd like to lock it down so no further people can respond. If later you want to reopen, same thing.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 27, 2019 Posted December 27, 2019 On 12/25/2019 at 3:58 PM, preraph said: What that means about the first love and I don't believe it applies to everybody, but it means it can be hard to process a breakup after your first love and you break up because it's the first time it's happened to you and usually because that happens when you're young and still idealistic and had some kind of fairy tale notions about how it was going to be and so you end up really disappointed and disbelieving. If she says she's fine and she's not talking all about it when she gets loaded or something like that, she's probably dealt with it okay. I agree! My partner wasn't my 1st love, but now he is my world. I fell deeply in love with my 1st ex, but I don't miss him. He was the wrong guy and ended up really hurting me emotionally. People do get over their 1st loves. 1
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 I'll try to be as kind and as blunt as possible, hopefully will not offend you in any way. First of all, the issue is not her past but it's your thoughts that keeps rambling over and over in your head, you might want to stop giving them too much importance before you get obsessed with the idea of you not being enough or not as good for her (this also indicates your self-esteem is quite low which is quite normal because it arises often in relationships but you might want to work on it, it's not very beneficial for you and the relationship itself). I can tell you based on past experiences that when you date someone, their past shouldn't affect your relationship unless is something major that you really can't go past through and shouldn't be too much of a big deal, because, well, it's past. My friendly opinion on it is that I'd rather enjoy my time with my beloved than worrying too much about the past or the future, you're living in the present moment and not the other way around, Love is precious and kind, don't let stupid thoughts take control nor you need validation of your Love towards her through her past experiences. Best Regards 4
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 On 12/25/2019 at 6:57 PM, basil67 said: Or hopefully she's a well balanced individual who lives in the present. This is absolutely crucial! Our first love is always a special one, if it had genuine potential of being successful. But many, if not most, people find their best much later in life. If she is consistently living in her past, the ex is around or stick in some contact, you ought to be troubled. If not....don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. If you try TOO hard to be a better facsimile of her ex, you will stumble and you will not be happy. Be the best YOU can be!
Author Horridhenry Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 5 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: This is absolutely crucial! Our first love is always a special one, if it had genuine potential of being successful. But many, if not most, people find their best much later in life. If she is consistently living in her past, the ex is around or stick in some contact, you ought to be troubled. If not....don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. If you try TOO hard to be a better facsimile of her ex, you will stumble and you will not be happy. Be the best YOU can be! I don’t like the thought of someone else being “special” to her though. My exes are now an irrelevance. The whole situation came up last night. She said she loves me more than she ever loved him, she wishes she hadn’t let it go as far as it did and even though she loved him at the time, he means nothing now. I suppose that’s a good response but still don’t feel comfortable with it all.
Author Horridhenry Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 5 hours ago, Kaarek said: I'll try to be as kind and as blunt as possible, hopefully will not offend you in any way. First of all, the issue is not her past but it's your thoughts that keeps rambling over and over in your head, you might want to stop giving them too much importance before you get obsessed with the idea of you not being enough or not as good for her (this also indicates your self-esteem is quite low which is quite normal because it arises often in relationships but you might want to work on it, it's not very beneficial for you and the relationship itself). I can tell you based on past experiences that when you date someone, their past shouldn't affect your relationship unless is something major that you really can't go past through and shouldn't be too much of a big deal, because, well, it's past. My friendly opinion on it is that I'd rather enjoy my time with my beloved than worrying too much about the past or the future, you're living in the present moment and not the other way around, Love is precious and kind, don't let stupid thoughts take control nor you need validation of your Love towards her through her past experiences. Best Regards Her past is more or a deal than mine though and the fact she was ready to give her life to someone else is very hard to take. We discussed it and she said she made the wrong decision then and is glad it didn’t work out, but regardless of what she says she still did it.
basil67 Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 HH, if you keep this up, you're going to lose this woman. This mindset is destructive not only to you, but also to her and the relationship as a whole. 1
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) You don't have many choices here @Horridhenry. You either start mourning her past or move on and enjoy her by your side, she get might sick of this situation at some point, you have to also consider the way she feels as well and not only how you personally feel. Edited December 31, 2019 by Kaarek
Author Horridhenry Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 35 minutes ago, Kaarek said: You don't have many choices here @Horridhenry. You either start mourning her past or move on and enjoy her by your side, she get might sick of this situation at some point, you have to also consider the way she feels as well and not only how you personally feel. What do you mean with regards to the way she feels? Shes incredibly happy and shows it.
Kaarek Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 Well, you mentioning her past constantly, I'm not sure that's very healthy for the relationship but anyways, that's your choice. 2
basil67 Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 She won't stay incredibly happy if you keep this up. If you do continue discussing this with her, you will soon see her putting boundaries up so that her past is off limits to you. And getting someone to the point of saying that their past choices were a mistake in an effort to appease you is wrong on just so many levels. Our past is our past - it's what made us who we are today. Unreasonable thought patterns about a partner must be dumped on a therapist. Not on that partner. 1
Author Horridhenry Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 23 minutes ago, Kaarek said: Well, you mentioning her past constantly, I'm not sure that's very healthy for the relationship but anyways, that's your choice. I don’t mention it constantly. It came up this week for the first time in months.
Author Horridhenry Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 Just now, basil67 said: She won't stay incredibly happy if you keep this up. If you do continue discussing this with her, you will soon see her putting boundaries up so that her past is off limits to you. And getting someone to the point of saying that their past choices were a mistake in an effort to appease you is wrong on just so many levels. Our past is our past - it's what made us who we are today. Unreasonable thought patterns about a partner must be dumped on a therapist. Not on that partner. It rarely gets discussed and to be honest, a former engagement or an ex-partner shouldn’t really be discussed often if at all, no? She wasn’t saying the past choice was a mistake to appease me - I didn’t even bring it up. We were having a conversation about people forgiving cheating or not and she used that ex as an example, which led to a general conversation about it. Of course she’d say getting engaged was a mistake given that the guy was a cheat and it fell apart. In no way did I force those words into her mouth so please don’t suggest that I did.
basil67 Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 32 minutes ago, Horridhenry said: I don’t mention it constantly. It came up this week for the first time in months. And now it's been discussed, it should never come up again.
basil67 Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 29 minutes ago, Horridhenry said: Of course she’d say getting engaged was a mistake given that the guy was a cheat and it fell apart. In no way did I force those words into her mouth so please don’t suggest that I did. I'm glad they were her own words. But why would getting engaged to him have been a mistake when she did it? She didn't know what he was going to do and got engaged in good faith. It's only a mistake if she knew ahead of time what he was like. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 2 hours ago, Horridhenry said: I don’t like the thought of someone else being “special” to her though. My exes are now an irrelevance. The whole situation came up last night. She said she loves me more than she ever loved him, she wishes she hadn’t let it go as far as it did and even though she loved him at the time, he means nothing now. I suppose that’s a good response but still don’t feel comfortable with it all. She sounds authentic. Many people have regrets, but healthy people also realize that they cannot have what has been lost nor want it. Move on...
Author Horridhenry Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 48 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm glad they were her own words. But why would getting engaged to him have been a mistake when she did it? She didn't know what he was going to do and got engaged in good faith. It's only a mistake if she knew ahead of time what he was like. Well I didn’t quiz her on timings and at what point exactly she decided it was a mistake. She has actually said before (and again in the recent conversation) that there were myrliple red flags beyond the cheating, but due to age and inexperience she let them go.
Ami1uwant Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 There is nothing wrong in thinking how would life be different if you took the other fork in the road. i have thought about past gfs. Or found out some women were interested in me and I had no idea. i had opportunities I could have pursued but didn’t because of circumstances at the time or we were at different points in life. there was a women I met in college who was a few years older than me. We had chemistry. But she had just ended a marriage and moved back home going to college. I was currently at college and had plans for grad school and moving away. An incident occurred. Had I done something different where would I be today.
Author Horridhenry Posted January 1, 2020 Author Posted January 1, 2020 7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: There is nothing wrong in thinking how would life be different if you took the other fork in the road. i have thought about past gfs. Or found out some women were interested in me and I had no idea. i had opportunities I could have pursued but didn’t because of circumstances at the time or we were at different points in life. there was a women I met in college who was a few years older than me. We had chemistry. But she had just ended a marriage and moved back home going to college. I was currently at college and had plans for grad school and moving away. An incident occurred. Had I done something different where would I be today. Yeah of course it’s normal to do that, however if you’re in a relationship it’s not normal or healthy to be fantasising about people from the past and wishing it had worked out with them. I’ve been told that’s not what is happening here so just have to believe it.
Author Horridhenry Posted January 6, 2020 Author Posted January 6, 2020 Been feeling better about the ex lately but the anxiety has just been replaced by anxiety about our age gap (I’m 36 she’s 31) plus anxieties about other things. Finding this whole situation really difficult.
Hopeful30 Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 What you must ask yourself, my friend, is why do you doubt your ability to love? Why do you feel that your love is inadequate? The past is the past, you must not compare yourself to others. There is no one in this universe who is exactly like you. And THAT is your power! Dig deeper into yourself. What specific insecurities do you have with this woman? What perceived strengths does her previous relationship have that you doubt yourself to create? Remember that comparing a 3-year relationship to a brand new one is not fair.
Author Horridhenry Posted January 6, 2020 Author Posted January 6, 2020 8 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said: What you must ask yourself, my friend, is why do you doubt your ability to love? Why do you feel that your love is inadequate? The past is the past, you must not compare yourself to others. There is no one in this universe who is exactly like you. And THAT is your power! Dig deeper into yourself. What specific insecurities do you have with this woman? What perceived strengths does her previous relationship have that you doubt yourself to create? Remember that comparing a 3-year relationship to a brand new one is not fair. I’m not worried about her exes at the minute it’s the 5 year age gap.!it doesn’t help though that her exes were all a similar age. I feel old and worthless at the minute. Plus it’s not a brand new relationship we’ve been together a year and a half and live in the same apartment!
Hopeful30 Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 6 minutes ago, Horridhenry said: I’m not worried about her exes at the minute it’s the 5 year age gap.!it doesn’t help though that her exes were all a similar age. I feel old and worthless at the minute. Plus it’s not a brand new relationship we’ve been together a year and a half and live in the same apartment! This information is helpful. In that case, my dear friend, the source of the problem is yourself. It appears that you are looking for reasons to be insecure in this relationship. Is it possible that deep down you feel unworthy of such a healthy relationship? Sometimes when we look for flaws or reasons to be insecure, it's because deep down we don't recognize how worthy we are (hence, in a defence mechanism, look for reasons to be unworthy).
basil67 Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 M36 and F31 is not a significant age gap. Unless she behaves like a an 18yo or you behave like a 50yo.
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