Struggling with how to handle my girlfriend’s past.

[Lotsgoingon]

What would your gf have to say to you that would convince you she's  pleased to be with you, so pleased she doesn't romanticize the first guy.

 

Asking this question can be a sign that you don't really feel your gf's love. 

 

Does gf randomly and gratuitously (without any prompt or reason) tell you how happy she is to be with you? 

 

 

[smackie9]

Is it maybe some subconscious thing you have that she's too good to be true and you don't deserve or not worthy to have such an amazing gf?

Edited December 26, 2019 by smackie9

[OatsAndHall]

Right now, you're borrowing trouble that you don't need. We all bring our strengths and weaknesses to a relationship and every relationship is different. People romanticize their first loves less and less as they get older because they gain experience. That is what you and your girlfriend are doing right now; gaining relationship experience that puts a lot of things in perspective. You want that to continue to be a positive experience for your girlfriend so I strongly suggest you find a way to put these thoughts to rest and just be a quality boyfriend.

 

People vastly underestimate how impactful simply being yourself and a caring SO goes in a relationship. At the end of the day, the vast majority of people want a stable, relaxed relationship. They're content with feeling secure with their SO and enjoying their company. And, as they get older and more experienced, they realize how important that is.

[Horridhenry]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

What would your gf have to say to you that would convince you she's  pleased to be with you, so pleased she doesn't romanticize the first guy.

 

Asking this question can be a sign that you don't really feel your gf's love. 

 

Does gf randomly and gratuitously (without any prompt or reason) tell you how happy she is to be with you? 

 

 

 

She does that more or less every day and has never visibly romanticised the other guy (or anyone else for that matter).

 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Horridhenry

[Horridhenry]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

 

 

this whole discussion is just your mind keeping itself busy. Don’t create problems where they don’t exist.

Yeah I agree. Wish I could keep it busy elsewhere!

 

Thanks Oats n Hall for pointing out something similar.

Edited December 26, 2019 by Horridhenry

[Horridhenry]

11 minutes ago, Horridhenry said:

duplicate post

 

 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Horridhenry

[Piddy]

I actually got a second bite at the apple with my first love.  She was 13 and I was 14 and she was a summer girl who was babysitting for the summer for a relative who lived next door.  She came back the next year and we dated again for the summer.  

 

Then life interrupted for 7 years and she then called me and wanted to get back together.  She drove out from Illinois to Massachusetts and we picked up where we left off.  She lived at my parents house and we lived / slept together for 5 months.  But in the end the feelings weren't there anymore and she left.  It was amicable though.  

 

So, I remember the feelings I had for my first love and I remember the feelings of trying to rekindle, but ended with indifference several years later.  So, no I don't long for my first love.  I wouldn't worry about your girlfriends past first love.  She's with you now and that's all I'd care about . 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Piddy

[Lotsgoingon]

4 hours ago, Horridhenry said:

 

She does that more or less every day and has never visibly romanticised the other guy (or anyone else for that matter).

 

What exactly does gf tell you, what does she say to you, that affirms you and the relationship? The more specific the better. Because people get fooled all the time by partner's remarks. 

 

[healing light]

I'll tell you about my ex because it parallels this situation a bit. My ex was engaged to his first love when he was young and it ended when she stepped out on him with another man. He had considered her the love of his life for many years until he met me. Anyway, I know he went on to love me on a deeper level than he loved her and considers me the love of his life now--he said so unsolicited multiple times, both in and out of our relationship. He was young when he met her and they both didn't know how to communicate about things beyond a surface level, whereas we had a whole new level of emotional intimacy.

 

I tend to believe in that one quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald that goes, "There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice."

 

People grow and change and, with that, their other life experiences influence what they want from a partner. So it's quite possible she's a different person than she was when she was in love with him and her expectations are different from a partnership now than they were then. Plus, cheating on someone tends to sour most people's feelings, at least the trust between them, so it's rarely the same after that.

 

The first person I was ever in love with when I was much younger? Rarely think about them, and when I do--it's usually with gratitude that it never worked out. Honestly would not want him if he were standing in front of me offering the world.

 

So...I agree with the others who said not to borrow trouble where none exists. 

[Horridhenry]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

What exactly does gf tell you, what does she say to you, that affirms you and the relationship? The more specific the better. Because people get fooled all the time by partner's remarks. 

 

Too much to go into really. She wants us to get married , has told me she loves me every day for the past year, shows visible happiness and excitement when I see her, does loads of thoughtful little things. Even the day she introduces me and acts with me around her friends and family.

 

I have no doubts whatsoever that she really loves me and wants a future with me. The issue is that for me to feel happy, I need to be 100% certain she loves me more than she ever loved the ex fiancé, even before he cheated.

 

As I wasn’t there, getting that certainty is an impossibility. She has said many times that she’s never felt as strongly about someone as she does me, but as you say, people lie all the time.

[basil67]

So you’re hanging your future happiness on something which you can’t ever have certainty over.  I can’t recommend individual counselling strongly enough for you.   This is an act of utter self destruction 

 

 

[Horridhenry]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you’re hanging your future happiness on something which you can’t ever have certainty over.  I can’t recommend individual counselling strongly enough for you.   This is an act of utter self destruction 

 

 

Yeah I know know it’s not great.

 

how do people get through relationships not having that certainty though? Why would anyone settle for the possibility of being second choice?

 

I don’t see how even counselling can change the way I think on that!

 

[Legatus]

The first love romanticisation is from books and movies. Of course you remember it but depending on when you assign that point in your history it doesn't have to be the greatest. 

 

Stop trying to be better and come up with comparison to the old boyfriend. It seems not very genuine to me. You should be the best version of yourself and that's up to her how she feels. You might be different or even lesser in your eyes but because of her feelings for you, in her eyes, you can be everything she ever dreamed of. Regardless of last boyfriends, previous loves etc. 

 

You do not need nor should you compare yourself to anybody. If she loves you she needs to do it because of you, not some made-up version of you that is a newer model of the previous boyfriend.

[kendahke]

On 12/25/2019 at 11:51 AM, Horridhenry said:

The consensus online seems to be that nothing compares to a first love,

the older one gets, the less "first love" is idealized and put up on a pedestal to worship.

 

 

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, Horridhenry said:

how do people get through relationships not having that certainty though?

if they have a shred of integrity about them, they don't get into relationships and try to perform purity tests.

 

Quote

Wish I could keep it busy elsewhere!

Instead of wishing, get out and do something, like help your dad clean the leaves out of the gutters on the roof.  Fresh air and exercise works wonders on the mind.

Edited December 27, 2019 by kendahke

[Brennan72]

There is no certainty in any relationship. It is a lion's den that each of us must descend into

 

Men worry about our lover's past boyfriends way too much, and woman don't worry about the ex-girlfriends nearly enough

 

Don't compare yourself to some dude who came before, and don't be bothered if she is doing that. You need to have the mindset of "if she wants to go back, she can go right ahead and do that, because there are other women out there. She isn't the one, it is only my turn"

 

[Horridhenry]

8 minutes ago, Brennan72 said:

There is no certainty in any relationship. It is a lion's den that each of us must descend into

 

Men worry about our lover's past boyfriends way too much, and woman don't worry about the ex-girlfriends nearly enough

 

Don't compare yourself to some dude who came before, and don't be bothered if she is doing that. You need to have the mindset of "if she wants to go back, she can go right ahead and do that, because there are other women out there. She isn't the one, it is only my turn"

 

 

He lives abroad so she can’t fo back anyway even if she wants to.

 

I appreciate your view on this but I would be pretty devastated if it turned out she did prefer the guy from years ago!

[central]

2 minutes ago, Horridhenry said:

I appreciate your view on this but I would be pretty devastated if it turned out she did prefer the guy from years ago!

 

Yes, you probably would be devastated. However, you'll almost certainly get over it. Almost everyone has survived such an experience and gone on to be happy.

[Horridhenry]

4 minutes ago, central said:

 

Yes, you probably would be devastated. However, you'll almost certainly get over it. Almost everyone has survived such an experience and gone on to be happy.

 

How do I really know if that is or isn’t the case though? I love her but if she’d rather I was someone else then it’s a dealbreaker in terms of a future.

 

I suppose is should try to trust her words and actions.

[preraph]

You have an unhealthy obsession with wanting to be "the best" or "the one she loved the most."  This is oversimplifying love.  And it's unflattering to you to be this desperate about it because it's all just reflecting YOUR insecurity and YOUR ego needs.  You can rant here about it, but it you start acting this egotistical and desperate and insecure with her or most women, you will create the thing you fear most:  Her leaving. 

 

Here is the truth about love and different people:

Each person is different.  Each combination of you and that person is a unique entity.  Each love you feel is a different kind of love.  It's unfair to compare unless there's a clear problem, like someone is clearly obsessed with their ex, and she's not doing that.  You're going to blow this if you don't stop being infantile about your need to be the "only" and "the best."  That's all about you, and it's not flattering.  Be the best man you can be and if it turns out that's not enough to keep her around, then you're just not compatible enough.  But don't blow it with your insecurities and unrealistic expectations.  

[Horridhenry]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

You have an unhealthy obsession with wanting to be "the best" or "the one she loved the most."  This is oversimplifying love.  And it's unflattering to you to be this desperate about it because it's all just reflecting YOUR insecurity and YOUR ego needs.  You can rant here about it, but it you start acting this egotistical and desperate and insecure with her or most women, you will create the thing you fear most:  Her leaving. 

 

Here is the truth about love and different people:

Each person is different.  Each combination of you and that person is a unique entity.  Each love you feel is a different kind of love.  It's unfair to compare unless there's a clear problem, like someone is clearly obsessed with their ex, and she's not doing that.  You're going to blow this if you don't stop being infantile about your need to be the "only" and "the best."  That's all about you, and it's not flattering.  Be the best man you can be and if it turns out that's not enough to keep her around, then you're just not compatible enough.  But don't blow it with your insecurities and unrealistic expectations.  

 

Harsh words but true I think!

 

Thanks for all the replies on this. I think it would be best to leave this thread now as the more I drag it on the worse my anxiety gets. The forum is really helpful but as I keep going round in circles myself there is only so much posters can do to help and I think all that needs said has been said.

 

thanks again

[Brennan72]

9 minutes ago, Horridhenry said:

 

How do I really know if that is or isn’t the case though? I love her but if she’d rather I was someone else then it’s a dealbreaker in terms of a future.

 

I suppose is should try to trust her words and actions.

 

In one of the photo albums in my basement is a photo of my wife when she was a teenager with her "first love" (probably the guy she lost her virginity to). When I saw it, I didn't get mad and throw it out. It was long ago (as in your case), and she was a totally different person back then. They ultimately broke up obviously, and even if she remembers some moments with him fondly, it wouldn't bother me.

 

Now if she suddenly started texting with the guy, or reconnecting with him, it would be a very different matter!

 

You should be HAPPY that your GF had a nice LTR with a guy. That demonstrates the ability to stay in a committed relationship, and it shows maturity. Things ultimately didn't work out, and she is with you now. You should think to yourself "she traded up". Get some self-confidence

 

I don't look back at any of my ex-girlfriends are "superior" to my wife, nor do I fantasize about being with them again. My "first love", a girl I dated for a few years in my 20s was a colossal waste-of-time: while she was pretty and fun, she was also flighty, immature, and unreliable. Marrying her would have been a disaster. So while I thought about her fondly for a few years, even after breaking up, I now think to myself "dude, what were you thinking?" 

[preraph]

8 minutes ago, Horridhenry said:

 

Harsh words but true I think!

 

Thanks for all the replies on this. I think it would be best to leave this thread now as the more I drag it on the worse my anxiety gets. The forum is really helpful but as I keep going round in circles myself there is only so much posters can do to help and I think all that needs said has been said.

 

thanks again

I think that's a good idea.  You have the info and no need to just keep it going to make you obsess more.  Good luck!  Enjoy this instead of fretting about it.  Just relax and enjoy being with her.  

 

Brennan72, very good point about he should be glad she is capable of long-term relationships.  

Edited December 27, 2019 by preraph

[central]

You can never know what's in another's mind. All you have to go on is their words and actions. If they are consistent and reinforce each other over time, you have as much information as you're likely to ever get. You may not be EVERYTHING she wants, but then, no one else can be that, either. If you two are really good together, that's as much as you can hope for, and more than most people manage to achieve. Of course, only time will tell, but if you overthink this and continue to be suspicious, you'll sabotage the relationship before it can really become something good.

[Horridhenry]

18 minutes ago, central said:

You can never know what's in another's mind. All you have to go on is their words and actions. If they are consistent and reinforce each other over time, you have as much information as you're likely to ever get. You may not be EVERYTHING she wants, but then, no one else can be that, either. If you two are really good together, that's as much as you can hope for, and more than most people manage to achieve. Of course, only time will tell, but if you overthink this and continue to be suspicious, you'll sabotage the relationship before it can really become something good.

Yeah she says I’m everything she wants but I don’t think I’m as wealthy or successful as she’d like, though I’ve improved that side of my life lately.

Edited December 27, 2019 by Horridhenry