Horridhenry Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 Views much appreciated. Have gotten serious with someone lately but have always had a worry that I don’t compare to a guy she was with for 3 years around a decade ago, who remains her only other true serious relationship. There’s no real indicators that she mourns or pines for the old relationship, but I just want to be better for her in every way. From my point of view, I love her in a way that goes beyond prior girlfriend’s, including one I had for 10 years. So for me, this love is far more than what has went before but I know that’s considered a rarity. The consensus online seems to be that nothing compares to a first love, that they will always compare you to them and will always secretly pine for them. If that were true, would that not mean that almost all of us are not with the people we really want to be with? Few of us stay with our first love and looking back at mine I really just view her with indifference and the whole relationship as a bit silly.
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 (edited) I will tell you this...the next one I had fallen in love with was always better than the last. My first was dust in the wind in no time. Edited December 25, 2019 by smackie9 6
Author Horridhenry Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 I agree and feel the same about exes. It just feels odd that there seems to be a general romanticisation around first loves and most of the stuff online addressing it suggests nothing afterwards compares.
Author Horridhenry Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 Together 1.5 years. Moved in together. Talking about engagement in future. Love her like mad and she loves me too. It just “works” so much better than anything I’ve had before, including a 10 year relationship that had its moments but lots of flaws. About 10 years back she got into a 3 year relationship, they got engaged but he ended it after he cheated. It broke her heart at the time but she moved on, had another couple of less-serious partners and then met me. She never gives me any reason to think like this, but I always fear I can’t compare to her past. My gut tells me it’s all in my head, but that tiny part of me wonders if she secretly wishes it had worked out with the fiancé. I still feel insignificant in comparison to him as they got engaged and she had committed her life to him. Any advice?
basil67 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 Let me get this straight: you're wondering if you can compete with a guy who cheated on her and busted up their engagement? 4
carhill Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 50 minutes ago, Horridhenry said: I still feel insignificant in comparison to him as they got engaged and she had committed her life to him. Any advice? No advice as yet but a question. Why do you feel insignificant? I get that she was engaged to him, got it, but that's over. People dump/get dumped all the time. People get married and divorce. People have children together and split up and co-parent. Many/most/some go on to have other, healthy and loving, relationships. It's part of life. You're alive. That's significant. You apparently love her enough to live with her and propose marriage or at least float that balloon. She's with you. That's significant. The rest is, well, the rest. 1
Author Horridhenry Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 Thanks for the replies. I’m well aware that chances are she doesn’t compare me unfavourably. She’s pretty frank about her past (sometimes too Frank!) and everything she says tells me it was a situation she got too involved in whilst young and dumb and she sees the broken engagement as something she learned from. It just niggles at me that rather than a fizzle out, it was cheating that finished it which is harder to get over. She may always look back and think “what if” he hadn’t cheated and that she’d prefer that version of him to what she has with me. in terms of why I feel insignificant, we’ve not been together as long and aren’t engaged yet.
basil67 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 6 hours ago, Horridhenry said: The consensus online seems to be that nothing compares to a first love, that they will always compare you to them and will always secretly pine for them. I don't know where you've been hanging out online, but this is laughable. My first boyfriend (from 1982) pops up on my feed now and then. I like seeing his beautiful family and am glad that he's happy. That's it. Sum total of my feelings towards him. 2
preraph Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 What that means about the first love and I don't believe it applies to everybody, but it means it can be hard to process a breakup after your first love and you break up because it's the first time it's happened to you and usually because that happens when you're young and still idealistic and had some kind of fairy tale notions about how it was going to be and so you end up really disappointed and disbelieving. If she says she's fine and she's not talking all about it when she gets loaded or something like that, she's probably dealt with it okay.
carhill Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 Watch her girlfriends. Unless she's a unicorn, she'll dish to them. If you're a placeholder, their expressions around you, even oopsie comments, will give it away. If solid, onward. Love isn't a math problem, thank goodness. It would be kinda boring. If previous relationship time benchmarks ruled, no one would ever have another relationship past the first one. Imagine people my age that get out of 30+ year marriages. How could I compete against that? Answer? I don't. The past is the past. Over, dead, gone. Happens all the time. Enjoy the now. That's my advice. 2
Author Horridhenry Posted December 26, 2019 Author Posted December 26, 2019 Yeah i think she’s dealt with it okay and there’s no way I’m a placeholder unless she’s the best actress in the world - she’s made it clear to her friends and can family where she wants it to go. Still doesn’t answer it all though. What if he hadn’t cheated? Did she feel more for him before her cheated than she does for me now? If she could go back, stop the cheating from happening and make it work would she? Had it been a relationship that fizzled out then I’d have found it easier to handle. A white lie from her around that aspect of the relationship would have made it easier.
basil67 Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 Henry, do you struggle with obsessional thoughts in other parts of your life? Does your logical self recognise that worrying about things you can't change is pointless? 2
Author Horridhenry Posted December 26, 2019 Author Posted December 26, 2019 13 minutes ago, basil67 said: Henry, do you struggle with obsessional thoughts in other parts of your life? Does your logical self recognise that worrying about things you can't change is pointless? Not really to this extent and it doesn’t obsess me as such. My logical self does step in to curb it at times. I appreciate that my worries around whether or not she preferred the pre-cheating version of her fiancé to me may seem extreme, but ultimately I don’t want to spend the rest of my life as a second choice. I can’t change if she preferred someone else, but obviously if she did it raises huge questions about everything. I think she does prefer me, but obviously can’t be totally certain as I wasn’t there in the past.
Brennan72 Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 it is natural to worry bit about the lovers that your girlfriend had before. Some guys worry more than others, and for different reasons I was talking with a female friend recently, and she was a bit drunk. She stated telling me about certain ex-boyfriends and how big their dicks were, how long they could go in bed, etc. At the time I was merely amused, but then started thinking about my own wife's past. I thought to myself "were there dudes with 10 inch donkey dicks and 6 packs in her past, that could go through a whole box of condoms in one night?" She had a lot more partners than me ... But this is poison thinking and there is nothing you can do about it. Getting worked up over ex-boyfriends is counter-productive. Now it doesn't mean woman should never be held accountable for their past, but if there is a "past", we need to move beyond it if we can
Author Horridhenry Posted December 26, 2019 Author Posted December 26, 2019 2 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: it is natural to worry bit about the lovers that your girlfriend had before. Some guys worry more than others, and for different reasons I was talking with a female friend recently, and she was a bit drunk. She stated telling me about certain ex-boyfriends and how big their dicks were, how long they could go in bed, etc. At the time I was merely amused, but then started thinking about my own wife's past. I thought to myself "were there dudes with 10 inch donkey dicks and 6 packs in her past, that could go through a whole box of condoms in one night?" She had a lot more partners than me ... But this is poison thinking and there is nothing you can do about it. Getting worked up over ex-boyfriends is counter-productive. Now it doesn't mean woman should never be held accountable for their past, but if there is a "past", we need to move beyond it if we can I appreciate that, but it’s nothing to do with the guy’s sexual prowess, which she has stated was laughable, led her to lose interest in sex and contributed to the breakdown of it. She never really enjoyed sex until her later 20s and I feel no threat about the guy that was with. It’s the seriousness of the relationship and the emotional bond I find hard to deal with.
Brennan72 Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 1 minute ago, Horridhenry said: I appreciate that, but it’s nothing to do with the guy’s sexual prowess, which she has stated was laughable, led her to lose interest in sex and contributed to the breakdown of it. She never really enjoyed sex until her later 20s and I feel no threat about the guy that was with. It’s the seriousness of the relationship and the emotional bond I find hard to deal with. I honestly wouldn't worry at all. The guy cheated, was lousy in bed, and ultimately lost her sh might feel some guilt or nostalgia, but that will fade in time. Focus on being the best you can be. Don't throw all your chips down on this one girl--let her realize what you have to offer, and let her gravitate towards you. Keep your options open, and keep a clear head. I think it will work out, but tread lightly
basil67 Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 24 minutes ago, Horridhenry said: My logical self does step in to curb it at times. I appreciate that my worries around whether or not she preferred the pre-cheating version of her fiancé to me may seem extreme, but ultimately I don’t want to spend the rest of my life as a second choice. I can’t change if she preferred someone else, but obviously if she did it raises huge questions about everything. Glad it's not taking over your life. I do wonder though, .....are you aware that if you move on from your girlfriend, this demon will also having you asking if you're second choice with your next girlfriend? And the girlfriend after that? This problem is about your insecurity - not about her life before you. 1
basil67 Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 8 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: sh might feel some guilt or nostalgia, Or hopefully she's a well balanced individual who lives in the present. 1
Author Horridhenry Posted December 26, 2019 Author Posted December 26, 2019 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: Glad it's not taking over your life. I do wonder though, .....are you aware that if you move on from your girlfriend, this demon will also having you asking if you're second choice with your next girlfriend? And the girlfriend after that? This problem is about your insecurity - not about her life before you. Yeah I know, and I’m not going to move on from her as she’s really just wonderful and I love her. I suppose it’s about getting rid of the demon, which also involves accepting that there’s a chance, slim as it may be, that in her heart I’m not first choice.
Author Horridhenry Posted December 26, 2019 Author Posted December 26, 2019 19 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: Don't throw all your chips down on this one girl--let her realize what you have to offer, and let her gravitate towards you. Keep your options open, and keep a clear head. Thanks for the response. It’s been 18 months and we live together so can’t take this approach though!
Brennan72 Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 8 minutes ago, Horridhenry said: Thanks for the response. It’s been 18 months and we live together so can’t take this approach though! how long have you been dating this girl? When did you move in together?
basil67 Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 34 minutes ago, Horridhenry said: I suppose it’s about getting rid of the demon, which also involves accepting that there’s a chance, slim as it may be, that in her heart I’m not first choice. How about getting rid of the demon by telling it that you won't give it more brain space? Do you have ex girlfriends? If so, is one of them more special to your than your current girlfriend?
Author Horridhenry Posted December 26, 2019 Author Posted December 26, 2019 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: how long have you been dating this girl? When did you move in together? As I said, 18 months. Lived together for about 5 of those. Edited December 26, 2019 by Horridhenry
Author Horridhenry Posted December 26, 2019 Author Posted December 26, 2019 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: How about getting rid of the demon by telling it that you won't give it more brain space? Do you have ex girlfriends? If so, is one of them more special to your than your current girlfriend? I’d love to but it’s easier said than done. i only have 2 ex girlfriends plus a couple of very short-term ones I wouldn’t classify as anything. Neither are more special, neither are anything like as good to be honest.
BaileyB Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 Just be yourself and treat her well. this whole discussion is just your mind keeping itself busy. Don’t create problems where they don’t exist. 1
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