Alt90 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 This sounds like a real mess, probably worse than it is in practice but still. It's the best thing and worst thing all at once. (This is a gay love life drama if that makes a difference?) Over 2 years ago I went on a date with this guy, but circumstances at the time meant we never took things further. He dated other guys and so did I but we always stayed in contact. After about a year our friendship grew and I realised I had accidentally fell in love with him. He's the first guy I've ever loved too. We've had 'the conversation' several times and the problem is I'm not his type and too much time has gone by. He cares about me and likes having me around. It was his idea that we move in together, full well knowing how I feel about him. We've never had sex, only went on 2 official dates, and only kissed once (about 6 months ago on his birthday whilst naked, and drunk in a hot tub!). I love living with him and he really is my best friend, we have such a strong bond spending weekend evenings in together watching films and chatting. But whenever I hear him reference other guys I always feel so upset. We're both single so he's not doing anything wrong and I've slept with the odd guy here and there for 'fun' but they are not the ones I want! Everyone says I need to move out, cut him off and call it a day rather than living in this fake world of marital bliss. I don't want to lose my best friend or my first love and he is both! Has anyone else been in this bizarre situation? Living with the man you love and was friendzoned by?
carhill Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 Welcome to LS, perhaps your situation is unique given your sexual orientation but plenty of people have ended up in unbalanced living arrangements or pining for someone who has no interest in them. Since he was your first major male love interest, it makes sense the emotions would be strong and hard to shake. Sometimes we have to force ourselves to make choices that seemingly go against our emotions. It's not easy to be sure. I remember, long ago, being hetero, having a female best friend for a number of years. We did everything together, main difference was we were good with that, neither was pining for the other (not that I knew of anyway); she had a off-on again boyfriend, I dated. It would've been murder to be in love with her while she thought of me as a good friend. Can't imagine. Anyway, hope you'll get some insight and support. If this is tearing you up, I'd look for a different living arrangement. Sounds like you've heard that from others too. You can do that, be honest about it and not 'lose' your best friend, rather transition yourself to a more equal relationship over time. You'll meet someone who likes you as much as you like them and still can have a friendship with this old roommate with full knowledge of what you get from a true lover that you weren't getting from him. 1
salparadise Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 Isn't it strange how interrelated joy and suffering can be sometimes. I'm an older hetero guy too, and I had a situation years ago that was somewhat similar... serious crush on a young woman that was in my circle of friends, and we were friends. We were young, just beginning to explore relationships and sex. But she wasn't interested in me that way, she was going for guys outside of our group. We kissed only once. It was difficult to say the least. There was only one realistic solution; as much as I enjoyed being around her, I had to stay away to enable the possibility of finding someone else. As long as I was attracted to her and seeing her all the time I was emotionally stuck. And I think the same is true for you. If it isn't mutual you have to either move on or settle for living a half life, forever wishing and dreaming of what you can't have. We went separate ways, and it was for the best. Good luck !
Author Alt90 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 (edited) Thanks for the feedback guys, it's complex haha. Something I should have mentioned is that I'm also a shareholder of his company and we plan (his suggestion) on buying a house together next year! In my mind I want to run with the current situation until (if or when) he starts dating someone else, then I'll look elsewhere - or maybe that makes it worse? I've never actually had a relationship and I'm 30 in 2 months which doesn't help eeeek He says he's happy being single, part of me hopes it's because whilst he doesn't want to be with me romantically, I fill that 'slot' - wishful thinking maybe. Normally he's in and out of relationships like a yo-yo. Edited December 26, 2019 by Alt90
carhill Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 He, or someone else, can always buy you out and and you can change your mind on the house stuff. People change their minds every day. Part of being human. This is the same kind of stuff people in sexless/loveless marriages face. Untangling the everyday stuff to move on. It can be daunting. Yet people do it every day. Easy? Nope! However, here's a pro tip I learned from my ex-wife....practice makes perfect. I was her third H, by then getting a D was easy-peasy for her. Very un-dramatic. Straightforward. Relatively inexpensive. Two businesses and three homes and a decade together all untangled. What did it take? Desire. Will. It was a lot easier for her than me. Why? First time for me. Yikes. MC (counseling) helped.
Watercolors Posted December 26, 2019 Posted December 26, 2019 3 hours ago, Alt90 said: Everyone says I need to move out, cut him off and call it a day rather than living in this fake world of marital bliss. I don't want to lose my best friend or my first love and he is both! First love and best friend in one? Oh, that is difficult. I would definitely *not* buy a house with him. That will open a whole other can of worms that could really backfire on your business partnership as well as your close friendship.
Daisydooks Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 On 12/25/2019 at 4:38 PM, Alt90 said: Everyone says I need to move out, cut him off and call it a day rather than living in this fake world of marital bliss. Everyone is right.
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 I agree that you should move out and definitely not buy a house together. The more you are around him the less likely it is you will ever move on from him. If he meets a guy and settles down you will be very heartbroken. Why are you putting yourself through this torture when you will never get anything out of it?
Author Alt90 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 11:03 AM, JTSW said: I agree that you should move out and definitely not buy a house together. The more you are around him the less likely it is you will ever move on from him. If he meets a guy and settles down you will be very heartbroken. Why are you putting yourself through this torture when you will never get anything out of it? He is my best friend, we do everything together - I can't bare the thought of cutting up out. He'd be upset too, we spoke about us living other after a few drink on NYE and he said I made him feel at home and he's so happy living with me.
JTSW Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 5 minutes ago, Alt90 said: He is my best friend, we do everything together - I can't bare the thought of cutting up out. He'd be upset too, we spoke about us living other after a few drink on NYE and he said I made him feel at home and he's so happy living with me. You are hanging on to these words of his like a love gesture. It's not. Why don't ask him straight if he sees any kind of romantic future together with you. If he doesn't at all then you are just in for allot of heartbreak.
K.K. Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 33 minutes ago, Alt90 said: He is my best friend, we do everything together - I can't bare the thought of cutting up out. He'd be upset too, we spoke about us living other after a few drink on NYE and he said I made him feel at home and he's so happy living with me. Aww, this has to be a hard situation for you. This may go against the majority here and just my humble opinion of course, but I feel like as long as it’s not mentally breaking you down and you can handle only being his friend right now, I’d stay in there and ride it till the wheels fall off.
Author Alt90 Posted January 6, 2020 Author Posted January 6, 2020 2 hours ago, K.K. said: Aww, this has to be a hard situation for you. This may go against the majority here and just my humble opinion of course, but I feel like as long as it’s not mentally breaking you down and you can handle only being his friend right now, I’d stay in there and ride it till the wheels fall off. It's basically what I am doing. It does have its difficult days, I don't like to think about him dating other guys, but I've been by his side through several boyfriends which have come and gone, generally never last more then a few months. Yet I'm the one who is actually shares his life with and has done for almost 3 years now.
JTSW Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 17 minutes ago, Alt90 said: Yet I'm the one who is actually shares his life with and has done for almost 3 years now. Yet its not a relationship. And there never will be unless you lay it out straight to him that you want to be in a relationship with him. He knows how you feel but he's stringing you along because he loves the attention. One day he will meet someone and fall in love. Where will that leave you? Alone!
Author Alt90 Posted February 10, 2020 Author Posted February 10, 2020 I have a strange update to this story: I hoped this was the case but never actually knew or felt able to ask him. But he told me "I'm not looking for other men and I'm happy being single because of you" (living with me) and promptly planted a kiss on my lips! Although it was literally a drunk peck than a proper kiss but still! And since that weekend he seemed to be a lot nicer to me. Not that he wasn't before but came home from work with a slice of a cake he had saved. I would always do little things for him like that but it's the first time he's actively thought about me when I'm not there!
JTSW Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Why don't you just be straight with him about how you feel. Life is too short to be playing guessing games and analyzing his behavior.
Miss Spider Posted February 15, 2020 Posted February 15, 2020 (edited) That would be so painful... every time you see them it would be reopening the wound, but you want them in your life because they mean so much to you. Unrequited affections for a friend seems like one or the worst romantic predicaments. Never could be roommates with someone who fz me. I’m sorry Edited February 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough
preraph Posted February 15, 2020 Posted February 15, 2020 You need to assess whether you living with him is holding YOU back from finding a guy who loves you back. If so, then you need to move out, but not necessarily cut all ties. And then you need to start going out. Some of your friends may think you're an item and not move in on you because of this! So it would be good to get out just to get the word out if nothing else. 1
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