Wanderlust2018 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 I’ve been seeing/dating a woman since nearly two months ago. We get along good, chemistry is there, enjoy each other’s company and we seem very compatible on an intimate level. One thing I’ve learned however, is that she is a (self proclaimed) night owl and I am the complete opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I can rally on occasion, but nothing like her hours. For example, she recently invited me on a multi day trip and while the trip was really fun overall, we were up until way past midnight every night. I came home exhausted... I’ve always been an early riser and I’m bed fairly early (usually by 10 pm), as I’m generally up around 4 or 4:30 and headed into the gym to knock that out. I do this because I’m generally up or getting up and it’s done before I make the hour long commute to my office as I leave my house around 7. I’ve found my “routine” is off quite a bit these days from staying up way too late. I’m generally a flexible guy, but going to the gym, which is hugely important to me, in the evening for example, just won’t work for me. Primarily because I have an incredibly “heavy” job that can take an emotional toll...which can be exhausting and when I’m done and home around 6 or sometimes later, my energy is pretty well drained. I did set a bit of a boundary this week when she wanted to get together for dinner and invited me to stay over. I said I was happy to meet up for dinner, but that I’d be returning home relatively early as my above “routine” had been off a bit from being so tired. She did seem to understand this. So the other “thing” is that when we have spent nights together, she snores and makes noise that I can only describe as a vintage steam engine releasing pressure every few minutes. I literally got but a few hours of sleep night before last when we spent the night together...I literally laid there listening and thinking, holy moly, if this progresses into a long term (not trying to put the cart before the horse here but let’s face it, this is the $#!¥ one thinks of when wide awake at 3 in the morning), could I handle this!?!? As crazy as it sounds, I just don’t do well with lack of sleep and I don’t even sleep a ton, usually 6-7 hours on average. But those 6-7 hours uninterrupted are pretty major for me. Curious what some of yours are!?!? Or your thoughts on the above?
Legatus Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 Oh this is going to be an amazing topic.. There are differences and then there are deal breakers. To me your sleep sounds like a major thing. Just to throw my two cents, here are the main differences with the girl I used to date: 1. I am vegan but she eats meat despite having been a vegetarian for 17 years 2. We both have good jobs but she earns at least 2x, which is fine. But I don't need fancy things in my life like expensive car, clothes, she does 3. She likes hopping in general whereas I have become a very conscious environmentalist 4. She snores like a train and I never do 5. She likes sleeping late and I can't sleep more than 7h. More then that and my back hurts and I get headaches. Somehow none of them became deal breakers at least not this early. Perhaps they would develop into one. The snoring part is very difficult. I generally have problem falling asleep with somebody else but I think it's just a matter of getting used to it. If you can't get enough sleep and it's essential, especially in the time you describe, then you both should act on it. Snoring, in some cases, is a medical condition that can be fixed or its power lessened.
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 (edited) The snoring is an easy fix, get a white noise machine. They give off a soft static sound and what it does is blocks out noises, same way noise canceling headphones do. They have them in hotel rooms at some places. My husband has travels for work with his boss, and he said they work awesome. You can find one on Amazon, or any of those shopping sites. Next, you need to communicate to her sincerely about your schedule. If you need to go to bed early, she can go in the other room and fritter around on her laptop or whatever. You get up early, go do your gym, and run errands, and by that time greet her with coffee when she gets up. Pick one night out of the week you stay up with her, and she can pick a morning one day a week to maybe go for a run and watch the sunrise. It's so totally workable. Edited December 25, 2019 by smackie9
greymatter Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 I too think you can work out the differences, as long as you communicate clearly that you adore her and appreciate her, and your need for sleep and to work out and maintain your schedule and lifestyle is not a reflection of a wish to not spend time with her, but to stay healthy and be true to yourself. You do need to be flexible and meet her needs also, and arrive at mutually-agreeable solutions that will likely involve some compromise from each of you, if it seems like it's growing toward something long term. I'm lucky to be very compatible with my partner in terms of our natural schedules and rhythms. We both wake up early and go to bed fairly early. He snores sometimes right after he falls asleep. When he does, I throw in earplugs and take them out later on in the night when he stops. I don't tend to sleep as well at his house because his mattress is really soft, and I roll toward him despite it being a king size bed, but because there are limited nights that we have together each week (we both have kids, live in different towns, etc. etc.), I don't worry about the lost sleep because I make up for it on the nights I'm at home. I actually really appreciate my nights at home , even though I miss him, because of getting better quality sleep. But, I so enjoy sleeping next to him on our date nights and the intimacy of that, so the lack of quality sleep on those nights is fine with me and doesn't bother me because the togetherness is so energizing, exciting and nourishing. In our relationship we leave a lot of room for individual needs and flexibility around schedules, which works well because I feel very confident that he is totally into me. We see each other consistently and regularly several times a week, in spite of having kids and kid schedules and careers (and commutes) and homes to maintain and working out (we both do) and hobbies and need for alone time. Although we are very compatible in general, we have our differences, but we're very accepting of each other's needs, and that counts for everything in terms of not having conflicts around individual needs for space, time, activities, etc. Clear communication, expressing appreciation for each other, flexibility, and mutual understanding is how we got there.
Author Wanderlust2018 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 (edited) 1 hour ago, Legatus said: 2. We both have good jobs but she earns at least 2x, which is fine. But I don't need fancy things in my life like expensive car, clothes, she does Ah, on this one, we both have a great level of income, but she’s in a very different position than I am so to speak. Specifically, her income is “passive” in that she has...let’s just say “holdings” that are quite profitable and she’s able to pay a management company to handle the vast majority of the day to day operations and needs. I on other the other hand, have many employees reporting directly to me and work in an aspect of healthcare that literally runs 24/7/365 with pretty high stakes. Not that any of this is earth shattering by the way, and I think it’s great that she’s in the position that she is. Wish I had that! I do however think this is in part why she has more “energy” than I do. It’s not uncommon for me to put in some extremely long and stressful days, whereas, she’s able to chill, go shop, get her nails done, hang out with her friends, take lots of trips, social lunches, take a nap, lol...yada yada. Again, no issues with that part other than my career can be very draining both physically and mentally from the (at times) long hours, dealing with trauma, death at times and so forth. Edited December 25, 2019 by Wanderlust2018 Additional content
Author Wanderlust2018 Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 42 minutes ago, greymatter said: I too think you can work out the differences, as long as you communicate clearly that you adore her and appreciate her, and your need for sleep and to work out and maintain your schedule and lifestyle is not a reflection of a wish to not spend time with her, but to stay healthy and be true to yourself. You do need to be flexible and meet her needs also, and arrive at mutually-agreeable solutions that will likely involve some compromise from each of you, if it seems like it's growing toward something long term. I'm lucky to be very compatible with my partner in terms of our natural schedules and rhythms. We both wake up early and go to bed fairly early. He snores sometimes right after he falls asleep. When he does, I throw in earplugs and take them out later on in the night when he stops. I don't tend to sleep as well at his house because his mattress is really soft, and I roll toward him despite it being a king size bed, but because there are limited nights that we have together each week (we both have kids, live in different towns, etc. etc.), I don't worry about the lost sleep because I make up for it on the nights I'm at home. I actually really appreciate my nights at home , even though I miss him, because of getting better quality sleep. But, I so enjoy sleeping next to him on our date nights and the intimacy of that, so the lack of quality sleep on those nights is fine with me and doesn't bother me because the togetherness is so energizing, exciting and nourishing. In our relationship we leave a lot of room for individual needs and flexibility around schedules, which works well because I feel very confident that he is totally into me. We see each other consistently and regularly several times a week, in spite of having kids and kid schedules and careers (and commutes) and homes to maintain and working out (we both do) and hobbies and need for alone time. Although we are very compatible in general, we have our differences, but we're very accepting of each other's needs, and that counts for everything in terms of not having conflicts around individual needs for space, time, activities, etc. Clear communication, expressing appreciation for each other, flexibility, and mutual understanding is how we got there. Nice! Like you, I appreciate the nights alone. Not that I don’t want to see her, but it allows me to try to recharge a bit. This has actually worked well as she likes to travel a lot to visit friends out of town. Nice that I was able to join her this last trip, which was great...and probably one of the funnest trips I’ve been on with a woman outside of the sleep/rest issue...haha. Agree that communication is definitely key!
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