AriesMan83 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, lftbehind said: Hi AriesMan83, My day was okay, too and I have today off, which is good. Hope that you're doing well. I did think that he was separated, but maybe he did lie about it. I think that even if he was separated it would be awkward to talk to me on the phone with his wife around. My husband says that he wants for me to get a 1st shift job, so we can have more time together. He drinks and gets high and I really don't like to be around it more that I have to. I did tell him that I have a problem with it. I can do stuff at my house. I get home at 12:30 a.m. , so it's hard to get into much. Thank you, I need to have faith in myself. Iftbehind, I am doing fine...Hope you got to unwind and relax on your day off... Why do you think it would be awkward for xMM to talk to you on phone in front of his wife if he was seperated and especially when his wife has a boyfriend??Dont you think xMM's personal life would not be of concern to his wife is they are seperated and she has a boyfriend?? Did you sit down and have a discussion with your husband about his addiction issues??Did you tell him about the strain it puts on the relationship?? Maybe you can read a book or watch tv before you go to sleep in the night and keep yourself busy with some other activities during the day before you leave for work..It will keep you away from thinking about or talking to xMM.. Always have faith in yourself... Edited January 22, 2020 by AriesMan83
AriesMan83 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, lftbehind said: The night was just a time when we could talk. I need to be indifferent to him. He does have some good things about him that I admire. I cut him some slack as far as his behavior, because of his TBI. He has a lot of damage from it. I would tell him when he hurt me, though and he would apologize. I got tired of putting up with his acting up, though. My husband hurt me way more than him and would not apologize sometimes. I don't have close friends, but have acquaintances. I'll think about IC, but I'm not sure that it would help me. I do want to live an authentic life someday. Iftbehind, Your husband does not apologize to you which is wrong.. xMM misbehaves and on being told by you apologizes..Then xMM does it again and when again told by you apologizes again..So it's a cycle of xMM misbehaving and on being told by you, xMM apoligizing... Don't you think "not apologizing after saying hurtful things" and "saying hurtful things and aplogizing and then saying hurtful things again and apologizing again and repeating the cycle again" are both wrong?? You admire some qualities of xMM and cut xMM slack because it's an escape for you and you feel he cares about you..Why not just admire the qualities and not xMM??Pls realize that xMM is enabling you to cheat and lie..Why do you need xMM to care about you??You need to be indifferent to xMM.. What about building some new friendships?? Pls think about IC..You also need to go NC.. Always remember you are a strong, independent woman... Edited January 22, 2020 by AriesMan83 1
AriesMan83 Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 Iftbehind, Affairs add a lot of stress in life..It also affects a person's well being...Pls take care of your health and also eat healthy food...
pepperbird Posted January 22, 2020 Posted January 22, 2020 op, reading your words, I get the impression that you are someone with a big heart who wants to see the best in everyone. You want everyone to be happy, and it also sounds like you are a "fixer". Those are all wonderful qualities, but why are you wasting them on others while neglecting yourself? Don't you also deserve some care and attention?
Author lftbehind Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 7 hours ago, AriesMan83 said: Iftbehind, Your husband does not apologize to you which is wrong.. xMM misbehaves and on being told by you apologizes..Then xMM does it again and when again told by you apologizes again..So it's a cycle of xMM misbehaving and on being told by you, xMM apoligizing... Don't you think "not apologizing after saying hurtful things" and "saying hurtful things and aplogizing and then saying hurtful things again and apologizing again and repeating the cycle again" are both wrong?? You admire some qualities of xMM and cut xMM slack because it's an escape for you and you feel he cares about you..Why not just admire the qualities and not xMM??Pls realize that xMM is enabling you to cheat and lie..Why do you need xMM to care about you??You need to be indifferent to xMM.. What about building some new friendships?? Pls think about IC..You also need to go NC.. Always remember you are a strong, independent woman... I think that H should apologize, too. It is a cycle of xMM misbehaving and apologizing and he should stop misbehaving. He doesn't really bad things to me, like my husband, though. They are both wrong I can admire qualities about xMM and not be involved with him. When I think that he cares about me it makes me less lonely. I get very lonely and despondent sometimes. Tonight I'm feeling like that. When I'm at home a lot, I feel like that. I feel like I'm struggling to keep myself together quite a bit. I'm thinking about counseling. Thanks Quote Quote Test
Author lftbehind Posted January 23, 2020 Author Posted January 23, 2020 6 hours ago, pepperbird said: op, reading your words, I get the impression that you are someone with a big heart who wants to see the best in everyone. You want everyone to be happy, and it also sounds like you are a "fixer". Those are all wonderful qualities, but why are you wasting them on others while neglecting yourself? Don't you also deserve some care and attention? Hi pepperbird, I guess I am a fixer, but it doesn't seem that I'm doing a good job at fixing anything. I do need to stop wasting so much on others. I do deserve care and attention and I try to give it to myself, but it's hard sometimes
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, lftbehind said: I'll think about IC, but I'm not sure that it would help me. What could you possibly have to lose by trying it? I would strongly encourage you to get some individual counselling. I agree with pepperbirds assessment, but what strikes me about your posts is how very stuck you are in your thinking. This is just my impression, but you seem rather resigned to this life. To be very honest, based on your last post you sound depressed. It worries me. You focus far too much of your emotional energy on these men, when really you should be looking inward - to learn what keeps you stuck in not one, but two, emotionally abusive relationships. The thing is, you create your own destiny. Only you. And, we all tend to create the lives that we think we deserve. So, I hope you get some counselling and develop the ability to dream a bigger dream for yourself. It’s like Dorothy so wisely said in the Wizard of Oz, “you had the power within you all the time, you just didn’t realize it...” Edited January 23, 2020 by BaileyB
AriesMan83 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, lftbehind said: I think that H should apologize, too. It is a cycle of xMM misbehaving and apologizing and he should stop misbehaving. He doesn't really bad things to me, like my husband, though. They are both wrong I can admire qualities about xMM and not be involved with him. When I think that he cares about me it makes me less lonely. I get very lonely and despondent sometimes. Tonight I'm feeling like that. When I'm at home a lot, I feel like that. I feel like I'm struggling to keep myself together quite a bit. I'm thinking about counseling. Thanks Iftbehind, How was your day??Are you taking care of your health?? Your husband should apologize.. As far as xMM's misbehaviour is concerned,the best option is to the end the affair..With NC,neither will you have to tell xMM about his misbehaviour nor tolerate his misbehaviour.. There must be other people with tge same qualities...You should just admire the qualities and not on the qualities of xMM.. I can understand you feeling lonely..Pls take care of your health... Edited January 23, 2020 by AriesMan83
AriesMan83 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, lftbehind said: Hi pepperbird, I guess I am a fixer, but it doesn't seem that I'm doing a good job at fixing anything. I do need to stop wasting so much on others. I do deserve care and attention and I try to give it to myself, but it's hard sometimes Iftbehind, Why do you have to be a fixer?? Giving your own self love and attention is hard,but not impossible...Pls take care of yourself.. Pls look into the options of IC available in your area... Pls stay healthy and eat healthy food.. Believe in yourself... Edited January 23, 2020 by AriesMan83
AriesMan83 Posted January 23, 2020 Posted January 23, 2020 (edited) 33 minutes ago, AriesMan83 said: There must be other people with tge same qualities...You should just admire the qualities and not on the qualities of xMM.. Iftbehind, What I mean by the above quote is that as there are a lot of people with the same qualities so admire the qualities because they are good and not because xMM has those qualities...Ignore xMM and the fact that xMM has those qualities... I am sorry for not explaining the quote in my earlier post... Have faith in yourself... Edited January 23, 2020 by AriesMan83
Author lftbehind Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 On 1/22/2020 at 11:37 PM, BaileyB said: What could you possibly have to lose by trying it? I would strongly encourage you to get some individual counselling. I agree with pepperbirds assessment, but what strikes me about your posts is how very stuck you are in your thinking. This is just my impression, but you seem rather resigned to this life. To be very honest, based on your last post you sound depressed. It worries me. You focus far too much of your emotional energy on these men, when really you should be looking inward - to learn what keeps you stuck in not one, but two, emotionally abusive relationships. The thing is, you create your own destiny. Only you. And, we all tend to create the lives that we think we deserve. So, I hope you get some counselling and develop the ability to dream a bigger dream for yourself. It’s like Dorothy so wisely said in the Wizard of Oz, “you had the power within you all the time, you just didn’t realize it...” I'll think about counseling, but I'm not sure that it would help me and it's expensive. I do need to focus more inward, which I try to do.
Author lftbehind Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 13 hours ago, AriesMan83 said: Iftbehind, How was your day??Are you taking care of your health?? Your husband should apologize.. As far as xMM's misbehaviour is concerned,the best option is to the end the affair..With NC,neither will you have to tell xMM about his misbehaviour nor tolerate his misbehaviour.. There must be other people with tge same qualities...You should just admire the qualities and not on the qualities of xMM.. I can understand you feeling lonely..Pls take care of your health... My day was okay. Hope that yours' was, too. I'm trying to take care of my health. I have had an eating disorder, but I can control it most of the time. I need to stop it altogether. I'm a normal weight. I need to eat more vegetables and fruit. That's true, I don't have to deal with xMM and his misbehavior with NC. I've just been talking to him a little and do need to work towards it. I do get very lonely sometimes.
Author lftbehind Posted January 24, 2020 Author Posted January 24, 2020 13 hours ago, AriesMan83 said: Iftbehind, Why do you have to be a fixer?? Giving your own self love and attention is hard,but not impossible...Pls take care of yourself.. Pls look into the options of IC available in your area... Pls stay healthy and eat healthy food.. Believe in yourself... I guess I don't have to be a fixer. I'm put in that position dealing with H and ex MM. I do need to take care of myself and believe in myself. Thanks for your replies to my thread, it's given me a lot to think about. I know I have some improvements to make in my life, but it can be hard.
pepperbird Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, lftbehind said: I guess I don't have to be a fixer. I'm put in that position dealing with H and ex MM. I do need to take care of myself and believe in myself. Thanks for your replies to my thread, it's given me a lot to think about. I know I have some improvements to make in my life, but it can be hard. when I mentioned "fixer", I meant more with people than things. I'm a fixer, and for a long time, I kept getting into relationships that were terrible because I felt needed, like I could help the person. I'd only focus on their good qualities and think I could encourage change in the bad.. If I was just good enough, attractive enough, said and did all the right things, the person would be happy and our relationship would morph into something wonderful. Lots of years, many relationships (including one that was violently abusive) later, and I finally learned that I can't fix people. they have to do that for themselves, and here's the real kicker... the majority don't see anything wrong with themselves and are who and what they are. If they show you their true self, take them at their word. You can't love and "nice" someone into being any different than they are. Edited January 24, 2020 by pepperbird 2
AriesMan83 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, lftbehind said: My day was okay. Hope that yours' was, too. I'm trying to take care of my health. I have had an eating disorder, but I can control it most of the time. I need to stop it altogether. I'm a normal weight. I need to eat more vegetables and fruit. That's true, I don't have to deal with xMM and his misbehavior with NC. I've just been talking to him a little and do need to work towards it. I do get very lonely sometimes. Iftbehind, Hope your day was good... Have you consulted with a doctor regarding your eating disorder??Do you take any medication regarding it??Pls take care of your health.. Pls start NC...You will not have to deal with xMM and his misbehaviour when you are in NC... Edited January 24, 2020 by AriesMan83
AriesMan83 Posted January 24, 2020 Posted January 24, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, lftbehind said: I guess I don't have to be a fixer. I'm put in that position dealing with H and ex MM. I do need to take care of myself and believe in myself. Thanks for your replies to my thread, it's given me a lot to think about. I know I have some improvements to make in my life, but it can be hard. Iftbehind, Making changes in life is hard but not impossible... For example,We all undergo transition when we leave college and start a job...We go from no financial worries to taking care of our finances,student loans payment,apartment rent etc... We undergo transition when we shift from one city to another city..We learn about the location of supermarkets,banks,restaurants etc... Take care of your self and have faith in your self... Edited January 24, 2020 by AriesMan83
Author lftbehind Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 On 1/22/2020 at 2:28 PM, AriesMan83 said: Iftbehind, I am doing fine...Hope you got to unwind and relax on your day off... Why do you think it would be awkward for xMM to talk to you on phone in front of his wife if he was seperated and especially when his wife has a boyfriend??Dont you think xMM's personal life would not be of concern to his wife is they are seperated and she has a boyfriend?? Did you sit down and have a discussion with your husband about his addiction issues??Did you tell him about the strain it puts on the relationship?? Maybe you can read a book or watch tv before you go to sleep in the night and keep yourself busy with some other activities during the day before you leave for work..It will keep you away from thinking about or talking to xMM.. Always have faith in yourself... I missed this post the other day. My day off was okay. Hope that you're doing well. You're right, If he was separated his personal life shouldn't be of concern to his wife. I did talk to my H about his addiction issues and how it bothers me and he's not going to change. I went to Al-Anon to get help for myself and he got upset with me and said that he felt betrayed by me. I stopped going. 1
Author lftbehind Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 11 hours ago, AriesMan83 said: Iftbehind, Hope your day was good... Have you consulted with a doctor regarding your eating disorder??Do you take any medication regarding it??Pls take care of your health.. Pls start NC...You will not have to deal with xMM and his misbehaviour when you are in NC... I haven't talked to a doctor about the eating disorder. I have it pretty much under control. I just can't keep certain foods in my house or I''ll binge on them. I know that my situation with xMM must sound silly and I do need to do NC.
Author lftbehind Posted January 25, 2020 Author Posted January 25, 2020 15 hours ago, pepperbird said: when I mentioned "fixer", I meant more with people than things. I'm a fixer, and for a long time, I kept getting into relationships that were terrible because I felt needed, like I could help the person. I'd only focus on their good qualities and think I could encourage change in the bad.. If I was just good enough, attractive enough, said and did all the right things, the person would be happy and our relationship would morph into something wonderful. Lots of years, many relationships (including one that was violently abusive) later, and I finally learned that I can't fix people. they have to do that for themselves, and here's the real kicker... the majority don't see anything wrong with themselves and are who and what they are. If they show you their true self, take them at their word. You can't love and "nice" someone into being any different than they are. Hi pepperbird, I'm sorry that your were in a physically abusive relationship and glad that you made it out of it. My 2nd husband was physically abusive to me. It's scary to be in that type of relationship. It is hard to realize that you can't change people. What makes it hard is that a man can act bad once in a while, but a lot of the time they are nice people and have good manners. If they aren't physically abusive, it's harder to figure out if you should stay with them. It's hard for me to break up with someone, unless they treat me pretty badly. I know what you mean about these people not seeing anything wrong with themselves.
elaine567 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 By accepting all this chaos and turmoil in your life caused by your MM and your alcoholic H, you are hiding away and keeping yourself somewhat safe.OMG, he did that, OMG he said that, OMG this terrible thing happened, OMG, OMG, OMG... It is all just happening to you, you do not need to "do" anything. You are avoiding life, because it would be so very hard to change anything. You thus weather each storm as it comes, with no thought that actually if you moved to more temperate climes, you would not have to weather any storms... You remain frozen and stuck in your little cold cave of misery and despair, which is kind of comforting... You are used to it. 3
pepperbird Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 9 hours ago, lftbehind said: Hi pepperbird, I'm sorry that your were in a physically abusive relationship and glad that you made it out of it. My 2nd husband was physically abusive to me. It's scary to be in that type of relationship. It is hard to realize that you can't change people. What makes it hard is that a man can act bad once in a while, but a lot of the time they are nice people and have good manners. If they aren't physically abusive, it's harder to figure out if you should stay with them. It's hard for me to break up with someone, unless they treat me pretty badly. I know what you mean about these people not seeing anything wrong with themselves. I read an article on not that long ago about the difference between politeness and niceness. It can be so easy to mistake the two. A polite person can seem very nice and kind, but it's just on the surface. There is no depth. A nice person may not be polite, but they will do more than just talk. It's like the polite person will give you lots of sympathy if you were to drop a glass of milk on the floor. The nice person will help you clean it up. One is shine, the other is substance. It can be easy to mistake them. 1
AriesMan83 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, lftbehind said: I missed this post the other day. My day off was okay. Hope that you're doing well. You're right, If he was separated his personal life shouldn't be of concern to his wife. I did talk to my H about his addiction issues and how it bothers me and he's not going to change. I went to Al-Anon to get help for myself and he got upset with me and said that he felt betrayed by me. I stopped going. Iftbehind, I am doing good.Hope you are well too.. Your husband felt betrayed by your actions but does he realize you are hurt by his actions?? You pls take care of your health.. Edited January 25, 2020 by AriesMan83 1
AriesMan83 Posted January 25, 2020 Posted January 25, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, lftbehind said: I haven't talked to a doctor about the eating disorder. I have it pretty much under control. I just can't keep certain foods in my house or I''ll binge on them. I know that my situation with xMM must sound silly and I do need to do NC. Iftbehind, Being healthy is an important aspect of our life..Pls consult a doctor and take care of your health...Pls maintain a healthy diet... Irrespective of whether xMM is married or seperated,xMM is enabling you to cheat..Having an affair with xMM,whether he was married or seperated,would have been a wrong choice.. You can go NC with xMM.. Have you looked into counselling?? Pls have belief in your self... Edited January 25, 2020 by AriesMan83
Author lftbehind Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 20 hours ago, elaine567 said: By accepting all this chaos and turmoil in your life caused by your MM and your alcoholic H, you are hiding away and keeping yourself somewhat safe.OMG, he did that, OMG he said that, OMG this terrible thing happened, OMG, OMG, OMG... It is all just happening to you, you do not need to "do" anything. You are avoiding life, because it would be so very hard to change anything. You thus weather each storm as it comes, with no thought that actually if you moved to more temperate climes, you would not have to weather any storms... You remain frozen and stuck in your little cold cave of misery and despair, which is kind of comforting... You are used to it. I don't appreciate your snarky reply to my thread. I'm not hiding away, like you say. I'm out taking care of my business everyday. I'm only talking about the things that MM and H did, because this is a forum to get help and I'm explaining my problems. I'm not avoiding life, I live it everyday. I'm not frozen and I'm not in a little cold cave of misery and despair. Yes, I do have problems and I'm trying to work on them. You come across as very bitter, what's your deal?
Author lftbehind Posted January 26, 2020 Author Posted January 26, 2020 14 hours ago, pepperbird said: I read an article on not that long ago about the difference between politeness and niceness. It can be so easy to mistake the two. A polite person can seem very nice and kind, but it's just on the surface. There is no depth. A nice person may not be polite, but they will do more than just talk. It's like the polite person will give you lots of sympathy if you were to drop a glass of milk on the floor. The nice person will help you clean it up. One is shine, the other is substance. It can be easy to mistake them. Thanks for the info, it makes sense.
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