lftbehind Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 I had AP for 1 year, pretty steady. We talked every day and worked in the same area. I'm M and he said that he is separated, but living with his wife, but he calls her his ex-wife. He has a severely handicapped son who needs a lot of care and he doesn't make enough money to be on his own. He also has bad TBI from a car accident when he was younger. He could be nice to me and he would tell me that he loved me a lot. He could be unkind also, especially when he didn't get his own way. He lost his driver's license a year ago, because of tickets, so his wife had to start driving him to a bus stop where he takes a bus to work. He used to drive to work and we would see each other after work, but now we can't see each other outside of work. He also didn't have a phone for a while, so I couldn't even talk to him outside of work. We basically just talked at work some, but I didn't eat lunch with him or take breaks with him anymore. There didn't seem to be a point, if we couldn't even see each other or talk outside of work. He got a phone again last summer. I was working with him one night and he started criticizing me and getting loud with me for no reason. It made me upset and it was a final straw for me. I blocked him on my phone and all media. I realized that I had shouldn't have to put up with someone treating me that way. He would try to call me once in a while and I told him that my phone wasn't working right. I'm in another department at work, so I don't work right with him. I see him some in the halls, though. We started talking more recently and he always tells me that he loves me. I unblocked him on my phone and media and he's been calling almost every night. I've started caring more for him again. I got another reality check with no phone call last night after work or tonight, Christmas Eve. I realize that I shouldn't have let him into my heart again and unblocked him. I should have trusted my instincts and left things the way that they were.
BaileyB Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 I’m sorry that you are upset, but I’m not sure why... This guy is not a catch. If I’m reading this right, he is married, has a dependent son, hue himself has a TBI, he has no drivers licence, and he is emotionally abusive to you... Learn this lesson and block him again. 4
Author lftbehind Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 I guess I'm lonely and when he's nice to me, he makes me feel good. I'm thinking about blocking him again. It's harder, since I have to see him at work.
preraph Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 Tell him you're going to end contact with him except when you have to talk at work and move on with your life. This guy is certainly not a catch. I'm sorry you're lonely, but some random down on his luck guy is not the answer. Get some friends and stop focusing on this guy.
Author lftbehind Posted December 25, 2019 Author Posted December 25, 2019 I'll try to do that. I work a lot and most of the people I see everyday don't speak much or any English and I do, so I don't have a chance to have many conversations with people.
Jordan's thoughts Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Did I read correctly that you are married as well...how does this affect the relationship with your husband or has your A drained any affection you had for him...?
mark clemson Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Agree that re-engaging was probably a mistake. If he's interested and you're not careful, this may lead to starting up the affair again with all the associated risks and emotional difficulties. Even just an EA can be damaging... 1
Author lftbehind Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) double post Edited January 2, 2020 by lftbehind
Author lftbehind Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 I am married as well. My husband is an alcoholic that also uses pot and he gets verbally abusive with me, the last time was Christmas Day. He doesn't listen to what I say, unless he agrees with it and gets mad if I have my own opinion about something. He has made me feel very bad about myself. I think that the A probably affects our relationship some and it has made it more bearable when we were more involved. Now I just talk to AP and we don't have opportunity to get together, like we used to.
Author lftbehind Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 EA can be damaging, but it's nice to have someone to talk to who sort of cares for me. I feel alone a lot. I don't think that we'll be able to start up the physical affair again, but he has made it clear that he would like to.
ajequals Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 I know this feeling of loneliness well and not having someone to talk to. It would be even tougher with a job as you describe.. I feel your pain and loneliness.. I'm here for you 1
Author lftbehind Posted January 2, 2020 Author Posted January 2, 2020 Thank you ejequals, that's very nice. Luckily I'm not a big talker, but It is hard to not have people to talk to. I'm here for you, too.
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 On 12/25/2019 at 4:29 PM, lftbehind said: I'll try to do that. I work a lot and most of the people I see everyday don't speak much or any English and I do, so I don't have a chance to have many conversations with people. A new job perhaps? Working long hours with people who do not speak your language can't be a good situation for anyone. 2
Author lftbehind Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 I've been thinking about getting another job. The area I live in is very diverse, so I'll likely have the same problem at another job.
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 You have two emotionally abusive men in your life. Why are you keeping either of them around? They are the ones that make you feel down and lonely. You need to break away from both of them because you deserve so much better than that. Look for another better job then walk away from them both and start again. I'm here anytime you need to talk. You don't have to be lonely x 6
Author lftbehind Posted January 4, 2020 Author Posted January 4, 2020 22 hours ago, JTSW said: You have two emotionally abusive men in your life. Why are you keeping either of them around? They are the ones that make you feel down and lonely. You need to break away from both of them because you deserve so much better than that. Look for another better job then walk away from them both and start again. I'm here anytime you need to talk. You don't have to be lonely x I figured out how to put the quote in my reply. Hi JTSW, thanks for the encouraging words. You're right, they both can be emotionally abusive. My husband really makes me feel down and lonely with they way that he treats me and his substance abuse. He seems like he's getting worse, too. He says that he's not going to quit. I can't afford to leave right now and I don't make much money. I care about him, but it's not really romantic now. With exAP, we have mostly just been talking on the phone now. Do you think that it would be good if I didn't talk to him? Thank you for saying that I deserve better. I'm looking around to see what other jobs are out there. I work at night and my husband works during the day, so we don't see each a lot. I feel like I'm living in limbo, unable to have peace and be truly happy. I might take you up on your offer to talk Thank you very much! x 1
JTSW Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 On 1/4/2020 at 8:46 AM, lftbehind said: I feel like I'm living in limbo, unable to have peace and be truly happy. I might take you up on your offer to talk Thank you very much! x Abolutely. I'm here anytime x
Author lftbehind Posted January 5, 2020 Author Posted January 5, 2020 8 hours ago, JTSW said: Abolutely. I'm here anytime x Thank you! x 1
Author lftbehind Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 I'm blocked him again tonight. We had been talking again and getting along well and I was feeling good about him. I had a rough night with my H, he was drinking all night and arguing with me. My AP called me after work and we were talking and he told me to shut up for a minute. I nicely told him not to tell me to shut up and he hung the phone up on me. He didn't call back or text me to apologize. It hurts that he treated me like that and I need to end it with him. It's harder, since we work at the same place. Thank you to the people that replied to me with empathy. I need to believe that I deserve better and not deal with people that don't treat me right. I need to be strong and keep him blocked.
JTSW Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 1 hour ago, lftbehind said: I need to be strong and keep him blocked. Absolutely. He can't treat you like that. Keep him blocked. You need to get away from your husband too. They both treat you like crap. 2
Cersei Posted January 16, 2020 Posted January 16, 2020 Hi. Glad you blocked him. Be sure to delete his contact information completely so you do not have it. Should you get tempted to unblock him then you won't be able to. 2
Author lftbehind Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 3 hours ago, Cersei said: Hi. Glad you blocked him. Be sure to delete his contact information completely so you do not have it. Should you get tempted to unblock him then you won't be able to. Hi Cersei, I did delete his contact information. I do see him at work some, but I will try to avoid him. I'm sure that he'll try to talk to me and ask me why he can't get me on the phone. 1
Author lftbehind Posted January 16, 2020 Author Posted January 16, 2020 7 hours ago, JTSW said: Absolutely. He can't treat you like that. Keep him blocked. You need to get away from your husband too. They both treat you like crap. I do need to keep him blocked. I'm sure that he'll come around being nice to me again. They have both been treating me like crap. I can't afford to leave my H right now, though. I went to Al-Anon to get help for myself and he said that he felt betrayed. I told him that it's hard to be around him when he drinks and gets high all the time. I work at night and we don't see each other much. He thinks that because he provides for me well that that's all that matters. I try to talk to him and he doesn't listen to me. I repeat my self over and over. He also believes his family over me when there's a problem.
AriesMan83 Posted January 17, 2020 Posted January 17, 2020 (edited) Iftbehind, Sorry you are here. Pls get into IC to find out why you think it's OK to have an affair?Pls read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.It will give you a fair idea about affairs. Why didn't you end your marriage when it became unbearable instead of having an affair? Affairs are like an addiction.You talk to him or think about him to escape the problems in your marriage. If there are problems in your marriage,sit down with your husband and discuss it.Ask him to join with you in MC.If he doesn't agree,get a divorce,grieve the end of your marriage and start a honest relationship with a single guy.You deserve better.But the first step towards addressing the problems in your life would be to stop the affair. Your MM is not a knight in shining armour.You both are people who are getting their needs met by using each other. Seeing him at work and thinking about him or talking to him is keeping the affair alive.You need physical as well as mental NC with your MM.Total indifference toward MM should be your goal. When you have an affair,you shift your attention and emotions towards your affair partner.You need to stop your affair and shift your attention and emotions towards your husband to feel romantic love for him.It will be hard and difficult but it's possible. Does your husband know about your affair?If he doesn't,then pls confess.. Edited January 17, 2020 by AriesMan83
Author lftbehind Posted January 18, 2020 Author Posted January 18, 2020 15 hours ago, AriesMan83 said: Iftbehind, Sorry you are here. Pls get into IC to find out why you think it's OK to have an affair?Pls read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.It will give you a fair idea about affairs. Why didn't you end your marriage when it became unbearable instead of having an affair? Affairs are like an addiction.You talk to him or think about him to escape the problems in your marriage. If there are problems in your marriage,sit down with your husband and discuss it.Ask him to join with you in MC.If he doesn't agree,get a divorce,grieve the end of your marriage and start a honest relationship with a single guy.You deserve better.But the first step towards addressing the problems in your life would be to stop the affair. Your MM is not a knight in shining armour.You both are people who are getting their needs met by using each other. Seeing him at work and thinking about him or talking to him is keeping the affair alive.You need physical as well as mental NC with your MM.Total indifference toward MM should be your goal. When you have an affair,you shift your attention and emotions towards your affair partner.You need to stop your affair and shift your attention and emotions towards your husband to feel romantic love for him.It will be hard and difficult but it's possible. Does your husband know about your affair?If he doesn't,then pls confess.. Hi AriesMan83, I never thought that I would be the type of person to have an affair. When I was single, I had quite a few married men come on to me and I turned them down. I don't think it's okay to have an affair, but my husband has said some cruel things to me and I can't forget them. It's really changed my feelings about him and I don't know if I can really love him again. He drinks and does pot a lot, too. He also doesn't listen to me. I don't make enough money to live on my own and I've been hoping that I could get feelings back for my husband. I've mentioned counseling to him, but he doesn't want to talk to a stranger about our problems. I told him that the drinking really bothers me and he's not going to change. You're right, my affair is an addiction and an escape from my marriage. I do romanticize things when he isn't a knight in shining armour. I don't think about being with AP full-time, because I don't think that it would work. It is hard to forget about him when I see him at work. As long as we're not being physical, I don't feel as guilty. I know that I need to end it, but it is nice to feel like I have someone that cares about me. Sometimes I think that I see what I want to see. I don't know if I can work it out with my husband. I can't confess, I don't know what he would do, but it would probably be bad.
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