How affectionate should I (we?) be in our early dating/realtionship??

[171]

Hello guys!

 

I (28/M) have been seeing this girl (25/F) for the past 3 weeks, 6 times in fact maybe it's a but too much? Not sure, I liked them but was a bit afraid of going too fast, as she she is a bit of a rusher herself (as she admitted, she tried to hold herself back too just to not f*** things up cuz that happened with her in the past)... anyway I started to like this girl more and more, as I was a bit neutral on the thing at the start (I have been single for years now, without sex too it was/is kind of wierd, but I'm getting the hang of it haha). She is really gorgeous, kind hearted (although can get angry at things in a sec then be calm again the next heh), open about herself ( i really hate playing mindgames during dating) and she said she really likes me and hopes we can have a long lasting relationship. (she hadn't had a relationship too in a years although had casual sex)

 

So this weekend we had our first sleepover, had sex, cuddling, kissing, things got really affectionate, passionate for us. I'm not an overly affectionate person at least that's not how I operate during my days, although I can really relate to people's emotions and the like, feel them but never really been too affectionate with anyone after I had a girl for a year who didn't really liked it I shut off from then on a bit too much maybe...(maybe it's pshychological thing to not open up too much cuz it makes you vulnerable) So since then we have been messaging that we really miss each other, really liking the way things are going etc (ofc no love you yet, that will come in the next months I guess), we were talking on the phone for an hour and a half yesterday (I never talked with anybody that long on the phone lol). She said she was really waiting for a guy who would be as affectionate as I am... I'm a bit afraid though because I had been affectionate, when the other person didn't really want it (maybe that had other things too, like she wasn't in love but anyway it's still in the back of my head), but this girl loves it and does the same to me... so it shouldn't be a problem right??

 

Or are we rushing it? Should we hold the reins back? I'm not sure, I love that she is this way, and she loves it too, but I read things that when people get overly affectionated in the beginning it can lead to break ups... Maybe I'm just a bit daunted by it cuz I was single for so long. 

 

Anyway thanks if you read my ramblings, and thank you if you reply with something to calm me a bit hehe. Oh yes and Merry Xmas to you all!

ps.: You can give a general advice too for it... never really been good at the early stages of a relationship.

[chillii]

Ahhh, unless something about her is worrying you, just enjoy it all if your good to go.

Everyone's different things come with risks no matter who it is. Some dive straight in others are cautious or take 12mths to wind up and there's all kinds of levels , the gelling between any two is what matters, but you guys are flowing in whatever direction is how it should be, if your both good then thats all that matters,, start messing with it and it just starts bringing on bs imo.

6 times in what was it 3 or 4 wks , nothin , if it feels right enjoy. lf it doesn't then that's your sign to stay cautious until it does.

lt's not really over affection that kills things for those people btw , that's just more levels, things not working out are more about them as a couple, they would've dived anyway.

 

Only thing l'd say just going on what you've said , is her snappyness, quick temper , whatever. l'd def keep my eye on that because people are on best behavior this early so if that's showing already , it could get a whole lot worse later, but it might not too, it could be just nerves/anxiety . sooo.

 

Edited December 24, 2019 by chillii

[Piddy]

I'd go with your gut and if it says dive right in, then I'd do that.  The first 3 months or so are the Velcro stage /  cloud 9 when the brain chemicals are at their highest.  After that period once the dopamine levels comes down that's when you really start to get to know each other. 

 

So as long as there are no serious red flags then I'd be myself with her and enjoy this time with her.  So enjoy this early time in your relationship, when you want to be together all the time (hence Velcro).  The Velcro stage is the best feeling stage of any relationship.  Enjoy it without the worry. 

[PRW]

2 hours ago, 171 said:

I (28/M) have been seeing this girl (25/F) for the past 3 weeks, 6 times in fact maybe it's a but too much?

 

6 times in 3 weeks is on the edge but once past the 4th or 5th week it is pretty normal.  So it isn't too extreme right now, but you do have to be careful.  You should not be considering yourselves BF/GF (aka "in a relationship") till around 8 weeks, and then only after she brings up the "The Talk".

 

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She is really gorgeous, kind hearted (although can get angry at things in a sec then be calm again the next heh), open about herself i really hate playing mindgames during dating

 

 

That emotional volatility is not good.  It usually gets worse, not better.  You need to set boundaries around that. The more you let her get away with it the more she will do it.  There are no "mindgames" here,...it is just navigating human behavor,...that is all it is.

 

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(she hadn't had a relationship too in a years although had casual sex)

 

Sex is never really casual no matter how hard people try to make it that way.  Casual means she can be doing it with other guys at the same time as you in case you don't realize that.  The only real casual sex is sex with a prostitute that you paid for.

 

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So this weekend we had our first sleepover, had sex, cuddling, kissing, things got really affectionate, passionate for us.

 

This isn't casual.

 

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So since then we have been messaging that we really miss each other, really liking the way things are going etc (ofc no love you yet, that will come in the next months I guess), we were talking on the phone for an hour and a half yesterday (I never talked with anybody that long on the phone lol).

 

Be very careful of this.

 

Dating: Texting, Calling & Messaging
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLHeDaQ9oKM

 

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Or are we rushing it? Should we hold the reins back? I'm not sure, I love that she is this way, and she loves it too, but I read things that when people get overly affectionated in the beginning it can lead to break ups...

 

The sexual activity concerns me a bit. Sex is not casual by nature. The rate at how often you see each other (sounds like about twice a week) isn't bad.  But the problem with over doing it,...is that once you start,...it becomes a trap and then you can't slow it down.  When you try to slow it down the "change" becomes an alarm bell to the other person and they freak out, especially people who are emotionally volatile as you described her being.

[171]

2 hours ago, chillii said:

Ahhh, unless something about her is worrying you, just enjoy it all if your good to go.

Everyone's different things come with risks no matter who it is. Some dive straight in others are cautious or take 12mths to wind up and there's all kinds of levels , the gelling between any two is what matters, but you guys are flowing in whatever direction is how it should be, if your both good then thats all that matters,, start messing with it and it just starts bringing on bs imo.

6 times in what was it 3 or 4 wks , nothin , if it feels right enjoy. lf it doesn't then that's your sign to stay cautious until it does.

lt's not really over affection that kills things for those people btw , that's just more levels, things not working out are more about them as a couple, they would've dived anyway.

 

Only thing l'd say just going on what you've said , is her snappyness, quick temper , whatever. l'd def keep my eye on that because people are on best behavior this early so if that's showing already , it could get a whole lot worse later, but it might not too, it could be just nerves/anxiety . sooo.

 

Yeah It's my thing to sometimes overthink things. I guess I'll just keep it going the way it is, because it feels fine to me (or to her as she said it). 

 

Yeah I'm starting to understand her snapyness though, like I'm a pretty positive easy going guy, so it wierded me out at first but got easier to handle for me as we met more and more (even though this snappyness is not against me, just in general) so I guess we'll found out later, it doesn't matter to me at the momemnt.

Thanks for your reply.

 

1 hour ago, Piddy said:

I'd go with your gut and if it says dive right in, then I'd do that.  The first 3 months or so are the Velcro stage /  cloud 9 when the brain chemicals are at their highest.  After that period once the dopamine levels comes down that's when you really start to get to know each other. 

 

So as long as there are no serious red flags then I'd be myself with her and enjoy this time with her.  So enjoy this early time in your relationship, when you want to be together all the time (hence Velcro).  The Velcro stage is the best feeling stage of any relationship.  Enjoy it without the worry. 

I'll enjoy it thank you, at least I feel like this is going in the right direction... I can worry about things if and when they show themselves, not before heh. Thanks for your reply.

Edited December 24, 2019 by 171

[171]

Sorry for the double post.

Edited December 24, 2019 by 171

[preraph]

Your fears are well-founded. Getting all the affection invalidation in the beginning when people are still wondering if the other person likes them and all that is one thing but it's not always sustainable. The truth is you still don't know one another. It's easy to be affectionate to the person you hope they'll be, but things can't start crumbling as you truly get to know each other. 

 

My best advice is to be moderate. Don't start smothering each other. You still don't know if that other person is who you hope they'll be. Soyuz a little restraint, and just try to be realistic. It's good that you're communicating about things. Maybe you should communicate about that.

[smackie9]

You have nothing to fret about. You both have good communication, and you both agree mutually and so far things are balanced. Seems the two of you are on the same page, and you know to see the signs it's being too much. Obviously you really like this girl. It's OK to show it, she's good for it too.

[171]

@PRW

Thank you for your reply too!

 

I always try to get her to the easy going mood we'll see how it goes later on. Right now It's not a problem.

 

The sex we had on the weekend wasn't casual I was saying that she was having casual sex in the past years since her last long term relationship years ago. She said that she wants a guy who is affectionate and shows interest unlike other guys, and that's perfectly fine by me, because I really hate this too if I date. My guess is she was having casual sex as she has problems with self worth and so on always guessing if she is good enough, at least that's what I could gather from our discussions, and I can relate to that too cuz I had similar feelings in some partners in the past.

 

Yeah she is a constant texter... I'm not so much, although I told her the first day that I'm not really into texting or phone calling I like to meet in person much more. Anyway I answer her a lot, it doesn't really bother me yet, although I wait with my answer a lot, or I just don't read, she didn't mind it, she even said it doesn't matter she is just texting what's on her mind and I can reply whenever I have time... So I guess it's not too bad. 

Yeah that's what I was afraid of a little bit, if we meet a lot now, and if we want to slow down things (at least me or her) than the other one will feel bad... She is on holidays for more than a week so I guess we have this as breathing room and think things through.

 

14 minutes ago, preraph said:

Your fears are well-founded. Getting all the affection invalidation in the beginning when people are still wondering if the other person likes them and all that is one thing but it's not always sustainable. The truth is you still don't know one another. It's easy to be affectionate to the person you hope they'll be, but things can't start crumbling as you truly get to know each other. 

 

My best advice is to be moderate. Don't start smothering each other. You still don't know if that other person is who you hope they'll be. Soyuz a little restraint, and just try to be realistic. It's good that you're communicating about things. Maybe you should communicate about that.

 

I get you it's just really hard to hold back... like I don't want want to hold back and she said to me too that I shouldn't hold back and she wants the affection... so why not do it. We talked about if anything troubles the other one just say it and we can talk things through, she was okay with it, even said she is a loyal one so she is not the type who just toss someone out on the first disagreement. Well we'll see. thanks for your advice too  

 

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You have nothing to fret about. You both have good communication, and you both agree mutually and so far things are balanced. Seems the two of you are on the same page, and you know to see the signs it's being too much. Obviously you really like this girl. It's OK to show it, she's good for it too.

 

Seems this way, yes. Thanks for your kind words!

Edited December 24, 2019 by 171

[Ruby Slippers]

What's far more important to relationship longevity is a person's basic nature. While we all crave novelty, some people are more inclined to appreciate the routines of life, including all the routines and rituals of relationships. 

 

I like Piddy's analogy of Velcro. My new fella and I are squarely in this stage now. I don't worry about us getting tired of each other, because we both know how to embrace and enjoy routines and rituals. He told me the other day he's hiked this one mountain around here more than a hundred times and loves it every time. This reassures me that this is a guy who embraces and enjoys routines.

Edited December 24, 2019 by Ruby Slippers