Girlfriend won't see me for one week before Christmas and Christmas week

[PB 1961]

Well went out with my girlfriend of four months last Wednesday and I suggested we meet up before Christmas on sun,mon of this week to share a Christmas night and exchange gifts. She said she would have to get back to me as family older daughter arrived Friday last week for Christmas and she did not want to leave alone... daughter is in 30s.

 

I went out Saturday with my oldest friends and forgot to text her on Saturday. On my return she asked if I was ok and when I said I had been out she said she  was obviously not a priority  when I was busy. I pointed out she could have texted me and that I texted her every day, but she then said dont text me over Christmas as she was busy.

 

I send text saying that in view of the fact she had failed to mention any meeting before Christmas it was obvious she was never going to meet me before Christmas and our Christmas experience as a result would be nothing.  I also pointed out it was ironic she got so upset I had not sent my daily text Saturday considering she was obviously  too busy to even see me  for ten days of xmas at all.

 

This lady always said family comes first and they are 20s 30s .... I have not been invited on any day not even Christmas even though I am on my own.  I did expect to see her just prior this weekend but from her texts when she was annoyed  about be not texting her it became obvious even prior to this argument I was not going to see her. 

 

Sent her a text saying I found it ironic she was so annoyed I had not texted one day when she planned to derp freeze me out of Christmas entirely .... not even a drink or exchange of presents.

 

Just finished with her and this will hurt her as I know she expected she could just take it back up relationship wise after Christmas.

 

I mean last Wednesday was our last meeting ... presents packed and I was ready for pre Christmas meet

 

Any views.. when she gets back to me which she will. I just cannot get over how callous she has been totally putting family over myself to the point she wont leave her 30 something daughter in house whilst she pops out to exchange gifts 

[Lotsgoingon]

Drop the it's ironic that ... I pointed out that ... That's way too indirect and almost passive-aggressive. If you are unhappy with her choice, say that up front, not in response to a text from her. 

 

Actually I'm going to skip any dialogue suggestions and simply say, "What you see is what you get." The behavior you see is her. This is how she is, how she thinks, how she acts. She ain't gonna change how she behaves around daughter no matter how weird it seems to you (definitely seems strange to me as well) and no matter what you say. 

 

I have a friend like this ... and from what I can tell ... my friend is very insecure about her mothering ... and so she basically over-prioritizes time with her adult kids and will hide if she's dating someone. 

 

Do you want to date her or not? My answer would be, no this ain't the person I want to date if they can't arrange to see me and see daughter in 30s. Can't find time with you ... red flag ... hasn't invited you to hang at all with her family ... red flag.

 

 

 

 

[smackie9]

Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...she's not doing that so why stay??? Don't you think you deserve better??? If yes, then go find someone who gives a flim-flam about you.

Edited December 23, 2019 by smackie9

[Calmandfocused]

Christmas is a meaningful time for a lot of people and with that they want proof that they are meaningful to the loved ones in their lives. 
 

I think she felt like you were pulling back, she became insecure, and responded to that insecurity by pulling back from you completely. She probably got scared that she’s more emotionally invested than you are. 
 

saying that she can’t have it all her own way. She can’t expect you to prioritise her, whilst excluding you from her family life. Being in a relationship means being willing and open to the possibility of integration in all aspects of your life.  Not using the other person to fill in the void/ gaps. That’s just selfish. 
 

Op, this has done you a favour. Just because you don’t have the same family responsibilities, it doesn’t mean that you have to agree to a relationship that is all on her terms. 
 

Granted this was only a 4 month relationship but it still gave you a clear snapshot of how it would have progressed. 
 

Brush yourself down and find yourself someone else in the new year whose willing to meet you half way. 

[PB 1961]

Thanks all.. it ain't the total lack of bothering to see me pre Christmas,which is all I hoped for it's the text that floored me. I am too insignificant to give time for over Christmas,yet me failing to contact her by text for one day results in her compounding the hurt by saying she is too busy to text over Christmas.

 

I really thought she didnt care enough but contrast that to how she reacted to not getting texted. Either she is so cynical  she used it to get me to react like i did (doubt this as she says it has it is and would not have been scared to say it and end it herself) or else she has issues and begining to think she has.

 

No contact physically for tens days I am supposed to accept ,yet she wont accept one days missed texting and then issues a further punishment. 

 

I love her to bits, but to be treated like this has took me past the point  of no return

 

 

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, PB 1961 said:

Well went out with my girlfriend of four months

Your relationship is at the point where the "on their best behavior" representatives have been dismissed and the real you/real her comes to the fore---and the real her doesn't appear to be that interested in you if she can leave you on your own for a fortnight and then tells you to keep your texts to yourself.

 

Give her gifts to someone else, block her and be done with her. Your relationship isn't going to survive this bomb she threw into your lap. You're wasting your time with her.  Yes, family comes first---when they are minors and are dependent upon you. Once they're grown and out of the house, your life and your time is your own again.  There was no reason why you couldn't have met her family, unless she's been telling them that she's over you and doesn't want their behavior to be so obvious in your face that she's going to have to either check them or check you for being offended.

 

Blow her off and let her be hang with her family for NYE

[preraph]

I have a friend who is very rude about dropping all her friends if any family is on the horizon. 

 

A friend is one thing but when you're actually trying to build a relationship, to be shut out totally from meeting her family is just not a good sign. She doesn't want you to meet her family. I would say she isn't planning on keeping you. There could be any kind of in between where she is just so possessed with family that she will never be able to concentrate on someone else, and that isn't going to be fun to marry into anyway. It will always be all about her family and probably no given take with you or yours. 

 

So I just kind of think this is a sign you should probably start seeing other people and stop seeing her. She isn't making room for one more. it's especially heinous given the fact that you are really at loose ends over the holiday. Any decent family knows that you bring those less fortunate home with you no questions asked.

[PB 1961]

I know her issue re family and have met two through work. I really was not bothered and would have settled for a pre Christmas meet and which we could have had a drink and exchanged gifts.

 

I doubt she was going to do even that as her reaction to me not texting her Saturday was to say she was busy over Christmas and not to text her ( this was her punishment for me not texting her saturday). This was because she said I did not think of her when I was busy(I was out with old friends) and in texting this she did not even mention  we had agreed to try and find time to meet over weekend or Monday,so I knew then she had no intention of fitting me in.

 

The removal of Christmas hurt,but her reaction to me not texting her for the first time in weeks each day made me angry.  Like she can treat me like nothing yet wants me to continue fawning over her and if I dont remove any contact as punishemt

[chillii]

Just on the family thing , it has only been 4mths, too soon anyway imo .

l wouldn't want someone that new involved in my family christmas either myself. 4mths is nothing she would've introed a dozen new men to her family over the years if you jump on that stuff that fast , not a good look at all and a total waste of the families time anyway so early, because here ya go see, trouble in paradise could be all over already. Just sayin.

One of my sisters , 50s now , has done that for years, it's just really off. We must've met 10 of her new men over the years that are history a mth later anyway, effg waste of time.

 

The rest though , yeah , pretty well agree with others.

Edited December 24, 2019 by chillii

[central]

She wants you on call and attentive, but won't do the same for you. You're an option, and clearly not a priority except as it feeds her ego. Dump her and move on. Or just move on and only say anything if she gets in contact, and then only to say it's over.

Edited December 24, 2019 by central

[smackie9]

She's a bit of a narcissists. If you cross her you feel her wrath. It's all about her, not you. Epic fail. This is quite abusive. It's true when you are locked in, it's hard to get out because you keep trying to please them to make them continue to love you. Yet it doesn't matter what you do they will find something wrong. Get out now!

Edited December 24, 2019 by smackie9

[PB 1961]

You are right there... I have noticed she starts to find something wrong in an opinion or a casual statement,as if she is looking for something to dislike.

She just wants things her way and it's my hard luck if I seek something different.

 

She is odd as wont tell me where she lives and only told me her age two weeks ago

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, PB 1961 said:

She just wants things her way and it's my hard luck if I seek something different.

 

That is the definition of incompatibility.

[Brennan72]

seriously dude, pick up a telephone

 

If I have something serious to discuss with a friend or my wife, it is in-person or over the phone. I don't casually send passive-aggressive texts out and engage in this back-and-forth. That is for teenagers 

[Lotsgoingon]

She won't tell you where she lives? Four months in?

 

 

 

 

 

[PB 1961]

Yep.. only found out her age two weeks ago. You see it tends to limit where we can go as any further than a few miles would be ridiculous meeting in two separate cars. Were supposed to be going to the coast Saturday and was pretty certain she would back out as it would have meant me picking her up from home.

 

She is not married as I have met two of her children,but she just acts like it normal to not even get me to pick her up from outside her house. 

It's like she totally separates me from her home life

[preraph]

She may have an old boyfriend back home that she is hoping she can reunite with or end up with. 

[carhill]

Yeah, ex-H or ex-BF in the wings. Women don't go cold and rude with a man they want to be with, a man they value. I searched the thread for sex and found nothing. Reflection of real life?

[PB 1961]

Well didnt mention but she has body image issues I can see that and she is very much worried about something that she needs to cover up. As for boyfriends she has not had one for five years. Sex is something she is scared of although kissing and cuddling is ok

 

I know she is a bundle of anxieties  but I honestly think it's more than that and something more deep seated mental health wise and did not want to give up on her. 

[smackie9]

Egad stop being a fixer....that's the most unhealthy reason to be in a relationship.

[OatsAndHall]

IMO, you have one of two choices here:

 

-CALL her and talk about the issues. Meeting face to face would obviously be preferable but that's not in the cards. Ditch the texting when it comes to hard subjects as it just makes things worse. I can't name a single instance where a difficult situation has been resolved with an SO via text; they're generally just made worse.  If you want to sort this out, you need to communicate properly with her. It's as simple as saying "Look, I understand that you were busy over the holidays but it bothered me that we didn't get together before hand. And, I don't understand  why you were so upset over me not texting you and I think we need to talk about that."

 

-Call it off. There's always far more at work behind the scenes than is posted on these forums. If they're making you unhappy, then you either need to try resolve it or call it quits. I could be wrong but it seems like this situation got out of hand because it was dealt with via text. Maybe you two can resolve but with proper communication. But, if you don't feel that it can be then go your separate ways.

Edited December 26, 2019 by OatsAndHall

[Juha]

For one I would have called to talk about this issue, not by text.  Adults talk on the phone or in person.

 

4 months is not a large amount of time.  You seem to overlook her issues, to me they are major if you want something serious with her.

I am going to say this is not someone for a serious relationship.  She does not know how to treat her bf.

 

I would not be bothered with her, go about and live your life.  When she has time for you she will be in touch.

You can then make plans to meet and you can dump her and move on.

 

Do not give her any presents, return them or donate them where they can be used .

 

Find someone that treats you better and actually wants to spend time with you

 

I wish you luck

[schlumpy]

On 12/24/2019 at 10:52 AM, kendahke said:

 There was no reason why you couldn't have met her family, unless she's been telling them that she's over you and doesn't want their behavior to be so obvious in your face that she's going to have to either check them or check you for being offended.

 

Blow her off and let her be hang with her family for NYE

 

I have to agree with Lady K. You have to find out why she didn't want you to meet her family. I think that will resolve all your doubts.

[PB 1961]

Its end off am not bothered.. she is not answering text and to be honest she probably orchestrated the text dispute so I pulled the trigger. Either that or an excuse to discard me over xmas...

Thanks for everyone's feedback  and I will just move on... only difficulty is I will continue to see her every week in a business setting we both attend..

[preraph]

^Which is probably why she's ghosting instead of having a big breakup blowout with you.