How do I know if he is using me for money?

[Concern0728]

I i’m very sensitive about something like this because it on my prior relationships of the last eight years each of my partners always mention going away here or there but only one boyfriend actually made those plans and he made them several times we were together for several years however he was also the one boyfriend couldn’t really afford it which drove me crazy. I also thought he did it to somehow impress me but it never did instead of just freaked me out. Also the getaways he picked weren’t really the place is what I would’ve chosen. 

[clia]

From what you've posted -- him paying for wine, dinners out, groceries for family holiday dinner, etc., it doesn't seem on the surface like he's cheaping out or using you for anything.  However, I don't get why you would agree to pay for 1/2 of his children's gifts (who I assume are all adults).  That seems kind of bizarre for a 4 month relationship.  If you wanted to get them each something small, that's fine, but you shouldn't be splitting the cost with their dad at this point.  

 

You keep talking about him not offering compensation.  Have you actually asked him for his share?  "Hey, the plane tickets cost $1,000, so your share is $500" or the "gifts were $100, so you owe me $50" or whatever?  Has he actually refused to give you money?  Because if you are passive aggressively sitting back, waiting for him to offer to pay and then getting angry because he doesn't, I don't really get that.  I would expect someone to tell me what I owe them if they want me to help pay for it, especially if I already said I was willing to pay half.  I would assume that once they had figured everything out they would tell me my share.    

 

Also, I don't really know what's wrong with him shopping at Marshall's or why you would even bring that up.  He's a 70 year old man -- I wouldn't expect him to be a fashionista, and you can get some good deals at Marshall's.  

[Redhead14]

I don't see what the problem is here.  You've only been dating this guy for 4 months.  What's with the buying the kids things for Xmas???  If they were little kids, I might see through to that, but your kids are most certainly adults.  There isn't anything wrong with what or how he's handling things.  He 70 years old for crying out loud.  He's being careful with his money that just makes him a smart older guy looking forward to retirement/old age and being able to live within his means.  I don't know what you have against shopping at Marshall's but a lot of good deals can be found there if you know what you're looking at. 

 

He can't use you unless you allow it.  If there are expenses that are going to be split, then straight up tell him you're arranging to buy Xthing and his half is $X.  You two are grown ups.  Communicate.  My SO and I have it worked out so that I buy and pay for things for my adult children for gifts for various things and he buys and pays for things for his kids/grandkids and the the gifts are always from both of us.  No money or discussion beyond deciding what to get changes hands.  It's pretty even.  'We've been with each other for over 5 years ( I am 60 still working and he is 66 and retired).  I don't see why that's in the picture at 4 months.

 

Anyway, I don't think this money thing is the real issue here.  I'm thinking that he isn't making you feel like he's "all in" yet with you.  Have you have had any conversations about what he wants out of his dating experiences?  Are you both on the same page in terms of goals?  What do you want for yourself?  Marriage, live with someone, etc.?  Overall goals, not specific with each other necessarily.   Are you at least exclusive with each other? Those are the questions that need addressing at this point. 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Redhead14