Disappointingandsad Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) Met someone online and we have been seeing each other for 4 months. He claims to be totally in love with me and wants to make our relationship "permanent". He is almost 70 yrs old and I'm 61 yrs old. However, there's something I feel like it's weird, which concerns his behavior about money. Call me crazy but... He seems to rely on me to buy things and either says he'll share the cost or doesn't offer at all. First, let me say that when he visits on most weekends, he brings wines for us to dine with and almost always pays for our meals out. He also gave my kids 2 modest holiday gifts and gave me something decent (but not over the top by any means). He did pay for groceries for a family holiday dinner (with both families). He is a professional and has no responsibilities but himself - he owns an older car but has a decent home, etc. But he regularly shops at Marshall's and places like that for all items (household and clothing). I have yet to see him wear something not from Marshall's except for his watch which is nice. Some examples: I have a family event and he has yet to offer any monetary contribution at all even though we are extending our stay to see some of his folks and it will be an expensive trip b/c of the flights, hotels, cars, etc. and he wants me to buy his kids' holiday gifts and he'll pay 1/2 but I feel like i won't see that either. I know he isn't good on the computer to buy things online, but really? I brought up money a month ago before any trip, etc. and said i thought it was fair if we each paid 1/2 and he was fine with that and even said "or I (meaning him) can pay for it all". But nothing so far at all. He said he had savings for retirement but also said "I (meaning me) have a lot more money than him" - not sure exactly how he knows that other than I do have a new car and a much bigger home, but still.... I'm not even sure what to say or if I am making something out of nothing or not? Edited December 23, 2019 by Disappointingandsad
Author Disappointingandsad Posted December 23, 2019 Author Posted December 23, 2019 shouldn't he offer to contribute towards the trip - after all, he is going to visit his own people too?
PRW Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 Then ask him again for some help with the expense. On the other hand you're talking to a guy who may have less than 10 years left to live (many don't make it till their 80s) and you are going on a trip that might be difficult for him to "match" you on. Once his money is gone,...its gone. Maybe you should go on a cheaper trip or go by yourself
VIOLET EDEN Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 I think he doesnt have much money and is trying to save, maybe keep it in mind and spend less expensive trips so he contributes as well.
Author Disappointingandsad Posted December 23, 2019 Author Posted December 23, 2019 He manages to play golf and belongs to a country club for that.
smackie9 Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 It doesn't sound like he's using you, sounds to me he's trying not to be used. When paying for big things like trips, then communicate to him that it's 50/50 or nothing. Money up front, not paid on promises. See if he complies. If not then proceed to kick him to the curb. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 If you think this is an issue, 99.99 percent of the time, it's a real issue. Sounds like you like this guy. Therefore, you have your filters that would naturally minimize stuff you don't like ... and so to raise this issue means his behavior stands out. People love to ignore problems with someone they really like. Sounds to me like a guy who is short on money (not desperately so but still short) who hasn't come out and told you honestly about his money situation. The over-promising ... and him offering ... and then not following through ... that would bother me. What's tricky is that he hasn't blatantly used you it seems. But there is a lot of using and shirking that can go on without blatantly using someone. You're not imagining this. The real questions: is it the lack of follow through that bothers you? Is it that he shops at Marshall's that bothers you? Is it his apparent financial position (weaker than yours) that bothers you? Definitely pay attention to when he goes silent. Those moments when a decision has to be made or tickets reserved ... and instead of speaking up ... he goes silent and lets you pay. Make an agreement with yourself. Do NOT pay the next time you go to purchase tickets or reserve a hotel ... without first talking to him and squaring away the mutual costs. If he offers to pay or reimburse you, REPEAT his statement and the exact amount out loud right then and there on the call ... or in person. Finally, if he doesn't follow through, mention the money quickly the next time you talk. If you keep holding back and going silent, you will end up disliking him anyone and you'll eventually call things off ... or you'll just get cold and distant. So you might as well be direct. He might be living above his means--spending more ... and acting like he has more than he has. But that is not your problem to figure out and not your problem to work around! 1
preraph Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 I think he's probably also concerned about whether you are fair with money. Money is a big deal in relationships. He's offering to pay half . As long as he does that for this trip, personally I think that's okay, but that may not be what you want or are used to. 1
Author Disappointingandsad Posted December 23, 2019 Author Posted December 23, 2019 He hasn't offered to pay 1/2 yet for the trip - that's the problem. He only offered to pay 1/2 the holiday gift cost for his grown kids.
Tamfana Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 Bring it up with him. Discuss it directly. No point in moving forward in the relationship if you can’t talk with each other about money openly and easily. Also, I would't be buying his present for his kids for him after only 4 months of dating. He should be handling his family's stuff by himself. 2
K.K. Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 You said he buys all the meals when you go out and brings wine each time. He bought your kids gifts. You’ve only known him 4 months. You asked him on the trip to see your family so if he can’t afford to pay half then leave him at home or pay for it yourself. He flat out told you, you have more money than him. He’s probably on a budget and not trying to get used either. Poor guy is 70 years old. How far you think social security goes?
PinkFlamingo Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 27 minutes ago, K.K. said: You said he buys all the meals when you go out and brings wine each time. He bought your kids gifts. You’ve only known him 4 months. You asked him on the trip to see your family so if he can’t afford to pay half then leave him at home or pay for it yourself. He flat out told you, you have more money than him. He’s probably on a budget and not trying to get used either. Poor guy is 70 years old. How far you think social security goes? She said in another post that he plays golf and belongs to a country club and I think country clubs are expensive, right? I think him always bringing wine and paying for dinner ist generous. But him not delivering on his word regarding the expenses for the trip is not cool. If he is really that tight on money, he should have said it before the trip, instead he even offered to pay the whole trip. Also, the trip consists first of going to her family and then to see his family, which she wouldn't have to do either, so it seems fair, if they split the costs for the trip, because they both benefit from it. But I don't think it is really about the money, it is about him making suggestions about sharing the costs and then not following through. If I didn't have the money, I would say it and then see if we could find a solution, but I wouldn't agree to share the costs, come along and then hope that she forgets about my promise and foots the bill on her alone. 1
K.K. Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) Oh. Hmmm I didn’t see where he offered any money towards the trip. If he did and then backed out ... I guess that’s another story. Sorry if I missed that. It’s just ... she’s on here already making a post about money. After 4 months. She sounds a little gold digging. I mean she’s got it down where he shops and how nice his watch is and s*** like that. I mean ... you could be right. What do I know. I know my stepmother started out just this way. And that’s all I wanna say about that. .. Edited December 23, 2019 by K.K.
Art_Critic Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 He is making his gift exchange for your kids the even steven on yours by asking you pay for half of his grown kids gifts. He literally is keeping score... That takes the sincerity out of his gift giving to your kids IMO. It seems like another poster mentioned, he is trying to not get taken advantage of but he is trying to make it look like that isn't what is happening.. I think people like this are always going to be like this, if you can handle it then proceed but if this is not the kind of guy you are looking for then you might want to rethink things. I don't think he is taking advantage of you just giving you mixed signals since he is trying to make himself seem generous and at the same time he is trying to not be to generous and by evening the score. Good Luck and Merry Christmas
FMW Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 He's probably not trying to use you, but sounds like he's going to make damned sure he doesn't pay more for anything, as has been mentioned, he's keeping score. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, but if it bothers you then it's a problem you shouldn't ignore. Honestly it would bother me too. You both should be paying as you go, not having to wait on the other to catch up. As to him "saving for retirement", at the age of 70 that should have already happened and he should be living off of that fixed income now, so it would just be budgeting. That means that he communicates where he stands financially if you're going to plan trips or gift giving so that it's in line with his budget. It doesn't matter if you have more than him, if you haven't offered to make up the difference he shouldn't expect it. I think I would have a talk and lay everything out. If you aren't comfortable having that talk, you shouldn't be "sharing" expenses so loosely. 1
Art_Critic Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 3 minutes ago, Finding my way said: I think I would have a talk and lay everything out. If you aren't comfortable having that talk, you shouldn't be "sharing" expenses so loosely. This is an extremely important point and one I didn't even consider till seeing Finding My Way post it.. huge point !!! .
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 Hey there, the whole "Fair" ship set sail at 50. Your now cruising on the "Take what I can get" ship, meaning people your age are likely definitively going to be in the situation they are in, financially and otherwise, without much of any change. Just thought i'd clear that up for you, as you seem a bit confused.
kendahke Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 Plenty of men of a certain age are like this when it comes to their money. I see it here on these boards and also on various random profiles in OLD.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 Addendum here. I looked at your thread question again, and I think your question is entirely framed wrong. How do I know if he is using me for money? That is NOT the question. For one, he cannot use you unless you collaborate and cooperate with being used. You're not some naive helpless person. You can say yes and (most importantly) no anytime you want. (If you can't say yes and no, then you have no business dating!) He's not running some elaborate con on you ... hasn't stolen information on your accounts or anything. He's just being cheap at times ... One of my best friends is cheap at times ... and then in other ways he's incredibly generous. He's cheap when his money is tight. He should announce such, and be above board, but I've learned to read him by now and his good qualities dwarf his occasional cheapness. The question you are facing is, "Can you adjust the relationship such that you don't feel used." That's an entirely different question. The idea that this guy is dating you solely for money is ludricrous. I mean, if you're gonna use someone ... have them pay for fixing up your house ... and loaning you tens of thousands of dollars ... demand that they put you on insurance accounts and retirement accounts ... So this worry of yours only speaks to some anxiety you have ... it's not reflected in the facts here ... and note: I am critical of him not following through when he says he does. The question is ... can you confront him or stand up the next time? ... And that's entirely within your own control. You don't report that he tells you to shut up or disregards your words. Imbalance in spending is hardly "using you for the money." If so, this guy is a very bad user. Step up. Use your voice. You're adult. Don't pay for stuff you don't want to pay for. Period! 1
BluEyeL Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 You should just talk to him about this trip in particular and maybe about setting up a way to share expenses in general. Ask him to contribute to the trip directly. Tell him you need his share because it's not in your budget. The fact that he doesn't shop at fancy places doesn't mean he doesn't have money. I know a guy who mostly buys his clothes at Costco, owns nothing oudwardly fancy as far as clothes, shoes or accessories, he only eats at chain restaurants, and he's very well off, with a net worth around 2 million or so. 3
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 When you get to or close to retirement age, your spending habits change to being more practical. Spend less on things you don't really need like fancy clothes and crap, .... spend it more towards trips, quality time. Downsizing doesn't hurt either. Why live in a huge house all by yourself? Sell it and get yerself a condo at a resort or something like that.
BaileyB Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 (edited) You are four months into a new relationship, and you are planning a trip together and buying gifts from each other’s family members. This relationship has progressed quickly, in my humble opinion. It seems that he is pulling his weight at this point and you are having the important conversations about money. Watch and see how it goes and maybe, temper your expectations just a little bit... Edited December 25, 2019 by BaileyB
Wanderlust2018 Posted December 25, 2019 Posted December 25, 2019 Lots of good dialogue on this! He sounds frugal, so to speak. He also sounds like he has some financial resources if he’s able to belong to a country club. That said, people can and do that kind of thing as a facade, yet really aren’t in a position to “really” afford it. I think good advice to have a talk like some of the others have mentioned. He contributes slightly it sounds, but nobody wants to feel used...financially or otherwise. I’ll share a personal story.... I have an uncle, around his same age, who by all outward appearances, is similar to what you describe. Modest cars (which he bought used), basic clothing (likely from a Marshals or Kohl’s). He’s not flashy, and I would describe him as relatively frugal. He’s also a multi millionaire... Funny thing, one woman he dated drove a brand new Mercedes (purchased with $ inherited from her parents), was quite flashy, liked to run with let’s just say, a crowd of a certain socio economic status. She broke things off with him because in her mind, he wasn’t on the same level as her. Little did she know...he owns property all over the state (free and clear), a house in a foreign country and has flush retirement/investment accounts. I just share this to suggest that appearances aren’t always as they seem. Not that that’s entirely this particular issue here...but... In the end, have the talk with him and see how he responds. If it were me, and I was really into a woman, I’d drop a country club membership to be more of a financial partner. Stuff like country clubs just aren’t important in my opinion. I say this of course not knowing his financial picture. 1
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